Swearing on a children's chat group by the coach. Am I wrong to find this objectionable?

[Momoftwoscallywags]

Just want a reality check.

My DS (13 yrs old) has played a team sport for a few years and this year the coaches have set up a chat just for the players and coaches only. As parents we were informed of this and was assured that all messages sent to the kids would be appropriate.

Anyway, after the game at the weekend was abandoned due to the aggressive behaviour of the opposing team, one of the coaches (he is new to the team this season, so haven't met him) put a message on the kids/coaches chat referring to the game and used the word "Fuck" twice in relation to the other teams behaviour and what the kids should do the next time something like this happens.

In my opinion, I think the use of the swear words was really inappropriate. I did deliberate in saying something as I felt there may be some comeback on my son but, as my Husband said, sometimes you do need to stand by your boundaries.

So, I sent a message to one of the longer standing coaches, for whom I had immense respect for, basically saying I objected to the swearing, as it is not something I expected from a coach who was coaching children.

His response was a little disappointing, he basically said get over myself as it's the nature of the game but condescendingly conceded to say something to the other coaches about toning it down.

So now this feeling of being gaslighted won't go away and I feel that, as coaches, they should be able to "break the cycle" of thinking it's okay to swear in front of children. Am I being unreasonable?

Without meaning to be harsh then issue isn't the swearing, whilst highly inappropriate. The issue is the coaches having direct contact with the kids at age 13. My DH manages a football team of kids the same age and he is not allowed any direct contact with the kids. Not that he would want to. Please remove your child from this group or insist that parents are added to the group.

Oh please. It's not perplexing at all! It's a message he clearly didn't want the parents to see.

I don't really have an issue with the swearing, but you have to take this higher now. If they are prepared to break their rules like this, they are breaking the parent's trust. The WhatsApp group needs to be shut down and those coaches need to do their Safeguarding training again.

I would be dubious about a coach who deliberately excluded parents.

It really is not appropriate for an adult to be in what is in effect a children's WhatsApp group. I would be contacting the safeguarding officer at the local governing body for advice.

I mean they’re 13 so I can’t get over excited about it, mine have been hearing people in the street (and their mother at her desk) swearing since they were born, teaching them appropriateness of not repeating this to teachers/friends parents etc etc is more important.

but yeah coaches and kids in a WhatsApp chat, I dunno about that

I have a potty mouth but I make a point of not swearing around children. Also I think this is about more than just the swearing, it also indicates a lack of awareness about safeguarding and boundaries. And yes of course a 13 year old will have heard, and probably used, these words before but I’m baffled at how some people here can’t see that it’s inappropriate coming from a football coach.

Actually, just because the kid has heard the word and yes, may use it , does not mean adults in a guiding role should use it as well.

Im involved in scouting. We are (rightly) not allowed any contact like that between the scouts and leaders. There’s one group email for young leaders and leaders, that is literally organisational.

I DO know about that. It is entirely inappropriate for coaches and young people to be on a WhatsApp group. The OP should talk to the club chair. And if nothing happens immediately she should go straight to the FA.

Rainbow leader here - girlguiding - we aren’t even allowed to contact our young leaders who HELP us via whatsapp.
The fact they didn’t repost this message to the parents shows they aren’t using the group as planned and needs escalating further - the group needs a rethink and for effective safeguarding shouldn’t exist. It’s to cover the coaches as much as the kids.

The group can be closed, or the two groups merged, but the genie is now out of the bottle. Every coach already has a direct unsupervised phone number for every child, and a potential route to snapchatting or holding one to one conversations with the them online. It is quite tricky now to return to a place where safeguards are in place to protect both children and coaches.

OP - if you don't (understandably) want to push it any further with the club, raise an anonymous safeguarding concern with their sport's governing body, who will deal directly with the fact that this coach/child only Whatsapp group even exists.

Of course, kids hear and use swear words but they also know of and talk about sex, but I wouldn't want that happening in a closed WhatsApp group either.

Yeah that is what I meant, as in that’s not right.

She would be better speaking to the clubs safeguarding/welfare officer and if no luck then local county League office. They act on behalf of the FA for grassroots football

Good grief have none of these coaches done safeguarding training?! Absolutely unacceptable for adult coaches to be messaging children, I can’t believe that parents are ok with it or that the governing body of the sport think it’s in the least acceptable. Swearing is also unprofessional but it’s the least of the issues here!

It is not acceptable to swear at any time. To do so on a children's chat group is totally inappropriate.

@Momoftwoscallywags
Are the club aware of the existence of the WhatsApp group?

Swearing in public can be an offence if it is deemed threatening, abusive, or insulting and is likely to cause harassment, alarm, or distress to others. The key factors are the context, the effect on others, and the intention of the person swearing, rather than the simple act of swearing itself. For example, persistent or offensive swearing could lead to a public order offence under the Public Order Act 1986.

Did you even read the multiple comments about the chat group itself being highly inappropriate and contrary to any guidelines about running activities with children?

Don't be so passive and get him off the group chat strsight away. Tell them to set up Spond like a normal coach.

No it’s the fact it’s written by the coach. Feels like grooming. Encouraging kids to keep secrets from parents. Feels very wrong.

@MomoftwoscallywagsHave you done anything about the existence of this wildly inappropriate group yet?

No, she’s worried about the judgement and boundaries of a coach that thinks it appropriate to swear in front of 13 year olds.

That aside from the glaring inappropriateness of a private chat group without parents.

No, she’s worried about the judgement and boundaries of a coach that thinks it appropriate to swear in front of 13 year olds.

A new coach that the op hasn't even met yet. As a matter of interest @Momoftwoscallywags whose idea was it to set up the whatsapp group - was it the new guy?

I can understand the coach wanting a chat group with the players. Communication is an important part of being involved in sport. I can also understand wanting a chat where parents dont get involved. Parents should be banned from all childrens sports as from what ive seen in multiple sports, they rarely have their childrens mental and physical health at the front of their priorities.

That said, its mad for the coach to leave himself open to accusations so a simple solution if for any child who is on it to have parents on it too but with clear instructions not to comment (Unless a situation like this but it would probably make the coach think twice about his choice of language).

Ive had it with national teams in other sports where they need to talk to the athletes directly about training plans, nutrition, logistics, tactics etc. There is no issue with a coach speaking directly to a child as long as the parents have consented and have access to the conversations imo.

@Tessasanderson
Are you seriously suggesting that it is acceptable for coaches to have the phone numbers of the children that they coach?