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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I did a childish thing, but it felt good! AIBU?

244 replies

fuckhimintheear · 21/10/2025 20:51

My partner is, on the whole, a great man. He’s loyal, hardworking and an excellent father. But my God, he’s messy! I do all of the housework (I don’t work) and he does the majority of the cooking and running kids around and also working. So I can’t complain about my lot, he’s valuable and he’s lovely.

However, I’m sick to death of cleaning up his beard trimmings, cleaning up his crumbs, cleaning up the fall out when he’s been ‘in charge’ of the kids and there’s shit everywhere for me to fix. I left him alone with our 16 month old for five minutes yesterday and when I came back DP was oblivious whilst the little one was emptying soil from a plant pot and smushing it in to the the carpet and his own hair. This sort of stuff just doesn’t happen on my watch, but it seems to be ‘not a big deal’ when he’s in control.

I work really hard to give us a nice, clean orderly home. He just doesn’t seem to give a shit? He did get a new car last year though, and expressly told us all that under no circumstances would anyone be eating in the car or making any mess.

I lost my shit with the situation and took five kids down Greggs, bought us all a sausage roll and sat on the drive eating them. The car was filthy afterwards.

Am I a dick?

OP posts:
NeedsAGreenCardForFantasyLand · 23/10/2025 19:21

Also, OP: Your *do work, just not outside the home. I wager you work more hours a week cleaning and caring for your family than your husband does at his job, and yet you don't receive validation in the form of a paycheck.

Ma'am, you DO work. Own that. And don't let anyone freeload your labour.

SunnySideDeepDown · 23/10/2025 19:22

Hmmm so it sounds like he does the Lions share, carrying the weight of working and providing for the whole family and also cooking (very labour intensive chore) and ferrying around. Whilst you tidy and clean home?

Sorry but you’re taking the piss a little - classic case of taking advantage of someone.

godmum56 · 23/10/2025 19:23

regista · 21/10/2025 22:09

I applaud you. Consider repeating it each time he allows the house to become a shit tip. No need to 'nag' again, your frustrations will melt away with a Greggs takeout. Maybe next time buy a pack of crumbly biscuits too, or some chocolate buttons...

milkshakes!

MaidOfSteel · 23/10/2025 19:25

Sara050 · 21/10/2025 21:00

YABU why would you have a plant pot in reach of a toddler?

And why would you purposely make a mess, he might be careless but he's not purposely going out of his way to make a mess. Why not just tell him to go clear up his beard trimmings rather than be so passive aggressive?

What a killjoy…

AbraKebabraa · 23/10/2025 19:45

Respect! 💪

tarheelbaby · 23/10/2025 19:48

Your story of the sausage rolls has made me laugh. Why are so many MN men so clueless and useless about the house?

When I was a young child, we visited some family friends. The young, single uncle, flash about town, had just bought a very swish car and brought it for us all to admire. His BiL, our friend, teased him mercilessly about taking all of us kids (four of us under 10) to get an ice cream in his swish car with black leather seats and the uncle blanched in horror ...

MrsJeanLuc · 23/10/2025 19:49

CharlieKirkRIP · 21/10/2025 21:27

When a relationship has sunk to that level of pettiness and involves the children in a nasty act of revenge, it’s time to call it a day.

So immature to have done this when you could have tackled it like an adult and told him that his messiness and not supervising the children properly needs to be addressed.

I'm sure she has already tried all that.

An object lesson was definitely needed 😁😁😁
Perhaps he'll take her concerns a bit more seriously in future.

OP, I was going to say that different parenting styles are ok and it's not a terrible thing if one parent allows children to get messy sometimes ... but there are limits!

12345mummy · 23/10/2025 20:03

Bravo 👏🏻 I do hope that pudding was 5 sugar coated jam donuts!

NatalieW1907 · 23/10/2025 20:04

This might not be what you want to hear, but he does a lot more than most men and you don't work. Try 3 children working 5 days a week and a sick husband. So your lot doesn't sound so bad.

WhiteJasmin · 23/10/2025 20:07

From the OP, the husband provides financially for the whole family, does all the cooking and ferrying around. That is heaps of work!

Crumbs, shaving, dirt is just everyday life. If you don't like cleaning up after people which seems to be one of the main stay at home chores you do, you should either start working to afford a cleaner, or take over cooking so he does some cleaning.

ThisTaupeMember · 23/10/2025 20:17

A little.
But honestly justified crash out

MommaSJ · 23/10/2025 20:22

I do think destroying the car in crumbs was very petty but I see your point. You work incredibly hard to raise your kids and keep the house clean and for him to not respect that I feel shows disrespect to you. Maybe he holds no value in a clean home however if it is something that affects your mental health and you have made him aware shows disrespect on his part. It shows that he does not respect your job as a housewife and you need to sit him down and express your concerns He sounds like someone who was mammied by his mammy and is now looking to be mammied by you

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 23/10/2025 20:24

CharlieKirkRIP · 21/10/2025 21:27

When a relationship has sunk to that level of pettiness and involves the children in a nasty act of revenge, it’s time to call it a day.

So immature to have done this when you could have tackled it like an adult and told him that his messiness and not supervising the children properly needs to be addressed.

They ate sausages rolls in the car, mate, she didn't annexe Poland

NewGoldFox · 23/10/2025 20:26

I think it’s a point well made about respecting spaces and how it feels to be disrespected.
She’s asked nicely time for another route of communication 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bluedenimdoglover · 23/10/2025 20:28

When he makes a mess or allows the mess to happen on his watch leave it for him to clean up.

FeetLikeFlippers · 23/10/2025 20:32

Was it passive-aggressive? Yes.
Petty? Maybe a bit.
Reasonable? Abso-fucking-lutely!

How else are you supposed to get through to someone that won’t listen to reason and refuses to see your point of view?

The only thing I am judging you for OP is not filming him cleaning the car, presumably whilst bitching and moaning throughout, so you could share it with us!

Hankunamatata · 23/10/2025 20:47

fuckhimintheear · 22/10/2025 20:06

He’s not a loser. He’s very loveable, hardworking and pulls his weight in so many areas. I’d be lost without him. But that doesn’t mean that he should repeatedly ignore my requests to clear up after himself and after the children when he’s ’in charge’.

It’s not an either/or situation and it isn’t black or white. You can have a messy husband that you love and value as an equal, and still be a bit pissed off about their bread trimmings in the sink in the morning.

Show quote history

Put them on his pillow.

SomewhatAnnoyed · 23/10/2025 20:50

fuckhimintheear · 22/10/2025 20:06

He’s not a loser. He’s very loveable, hardworking and pulls his weight in so many areas. I’d be lost without him. But that doesn’t mean that he should repeatedly ignore my requests to clear up after himself and after the children when he’s ’in charge’.

It’s not an either/or situation and it isn’t black or white. You can have a messy husband that you love and value as an equal, and still be a bit pissed off about their bread trimmings in the sink in the morning.

Show quote history

But he isn’t treating you as an equal is he. It would be bad enough if he was a negligent, slovenly pig, who conveniently doesn't see mess (or his children), but he acts like his car is his pride and joy and must be kept ‘pristine’ or he seems to have a meltdown. It’s one rule for him and another for you. You should be extremely pissed off and stop saying he’s your equal. He isn’t. You clearly care more about his welfare than he does yours and his own kids.

Blablibladirladada · 23/10/2025 20:51

Absolutely you are!

But a fair one 😂😂

Blablibladirladada · 23/10/2025 20:52

SomewhatAnnoyed · 23/10/2025 20:50

But he isn’t treating you as an equal is he. It would be bad enough if he was a negligent, slovenly pig, who conveniently doesn't see mess (or his children), but he acts like his car is his pride and joy and must be kept ‘pristine’ or he seems to have a meltdown. It’s one rule for him and another for you. You should be extremely pissed off and stop saying he’s your equal. He isn’t. You clearly care more about his welfare than he does yours and his own kids.

Edited
Show quote history

he doesn’t read like this at all, no.

WhatOnEarthm8 · 23/10/2025 20:56

Sunflower2461 · 22/10/2025 07:23

I think the problem is that the relationship is so unevenly split. The OPs husband has to work full time, do the cooking and run the children around whilst the OP just has responsibility for housework. I would think this could cause resentment on both sides. Maybe her husband feels that becuase he does everything else he shouldn't bother to do the things that make her happy.

She has five children. He works full time, he can't possibly be there for the kids all the time so what are you talking about 'all that time on your hands'. Just do the cleaning, do some people even think.
It's such a harmless joke, and people are saying it's malicious, it is a car, it can be cleaned. Just like he says about the house.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 23/10/2025 20:59

fuckhimintheear · 21/10/2025 20:58

Crumbs everywhere, greasy handprints on the windows….it was so satisfying to say to him ‘but it’s not a big deal, it can be cleaned’ and then to hear him scrabbling around in the garage for his Karcher steam cleaner and feebly asking where the vacuum cleaner is.

Brilliant.

LeopardPants · 23/10/2025 21:03

FuckedOffWithTheLotOfThem · 22/10/2025 00:09

This reminds me of a very similar thread ages ago where there the 'D'H used to get up with the young DC in the morning, it was the only thing he did with the kids. He'd let the kids make their own weetabix, then swan off to work leaving the OP with a sea of crumbs and cemented-on cereal strewn across the kitchen. The OP asked him repeatedly to either supervise the children or clean up afterwards, but for whatever reason he wouldn't. So one day, the OP snapped and crushed a couple of weetabix into his briefcase. He didn't do it again Grin

I hope this OP's DH also sees the error of his ways and gets the message.

😆😆😆😆

shuggles · 23/10/2025 21:10

@fuckhimintheear People who are obsessed with cars make me cringe.

I would have supported you eating sausage rolls in the car even without knowing the rest of the context.

IlikeBigMacsIcannotLie · 23/10/2025 21:18

fuckhimintheear · 22/10/2025 20:06

He’s not a loser. He’s very loveable, hardworking and pulls his weight in so many areas. I’d be lost without him. But that doesn’t mean that he should repeatedly ignore my requests to clear up after himself and after the children when he’s ’in charge’.

It’s not an either/or situation and it isn’t black or white. You can have a messy husband that you love and value as an equal, and still be a bit pissed off about their bread trimmings in the sink in the morning.

Show quote history

So getting back at him by messing up his precious car didn’t open his eyes to what you go through everyday? After he cleaned the car did you have a proper conversation about it? Seems like you need to as he’s just not getting it... or keep messing the car until it finally clicks.