I did a childish thing, but it felt good! AIBU?

[fuckhimintheear]

My partner is, on the whole, a great man. He’s loyal, hardworking and an excellent father. But my God, he’s messy! I do all of the housework (I don’t work) and he does the majority of the cooking and running kids around and also working. So I can’t complain about my lot, he’s valuable and he’s lovely.

However, I’m sick to death of cleaning up his beard trimmings, cleaning up his crumbs, cleaning up the fall out when he’s been ‘in charge’ of the kids and there’s shit everywhere for me to fix. I left him alone with our 16 month old for five minutes yesterday and when I came back DP was oblivious whilst the little one was emptying soil from a plant pot and smushing it in to the the carpet and his own hair. This sort of stuff just doesn’t happen on my watch, but it seems to be ‘not a big deal’ when he’s in control.

I work really hard to give us a nice, clean orderly home. He just doesn’t seem to give a shit? He did get a new car last year though, and expressly told us all that under no circumstances would anyone be eating in the car or making any mess.

I lost my shit with the situation and took five kids down Greggs, bought us all a sausage roll and sat on the drive eating them. The car was filthy afterwards.

Am I a dick?

Oh come on. She’d had enough and lost it in quite a funny way!!!

Brilliant 😂

Let's support men who lose it then. Although I doubt many posters would support a man who behaved in such a spiteful, a vindictive, passive aggressive way.
Spite is spite. I remember the post from someone who was fed up about her next door neighbour's dog barking so she kidnapped it and drove it down the motorway before letting it go. I am sure lots of posters saw that prank as having a laugh.

He had to ask where the vacuum cleaner is?

You are sooo not being unreasonable!

None of the spiteful aggressive men I’ve ever read about on Mumsnet have done all the cleaning and childcare and had to pick up their wives nail clippings and tidy and clean up after their wife watched the toddler because she was just always so fucking useless at parenting and cleaning up after herself or anyone else. None. Ever.

No.

Having a "full time job" is not a reason to treat your spouse as your skivvy.

Housewives or husbands are responsible for childcare, for day to day and deep cleaning like dusting, wiping surfaces, cleaning toilets and bathrooms, mopping floors, hoovering on so on, and for managing the home.

They do not tidy up mess left by a functioning adult who apparently can hold down a full time job but not pick up a dustpan.

Functioning adults tidy up their own mess.

HTH.

Are you ok? You seem very angry.

The wife has done nothing that the husband has not done many times before. She left a mess for him to clean up.

The only difference between the two acts is that she usually does not do it because she cares that the tidyness of his car matters to him, while he does it all the time because he does not care that the tidyness of their house matters to her.

So, it seems you think dropping your mess for someone else is fine when you do it all the time because you don't care about upsetting them, but a problem if you do it once because you want them to understand why it upsets you?

Slightly different posts!! 😂

no partner should have to continually tidy up after their adult partner in the ways she’s described. She has 5 kids!! She doesn’t need a 6th.

and for whoever said she needs to work FT….what has that got to do with it?? Working FT doesn’t give you the right to leave your mess for your loved one to clear up.

Everyone who thinks Op's actions are OK is being unreasonable for being with men who don't know where the vacuum cleaner is, for allowing men to indulge in this behaviour for years on end and then going ballistic, but still not be able to talk it through because that isn't the kind of relationship you are in. So, you have to resort to this tomfoolery. What a fucking life.

Imagine the alternative scenario...

I have 5 kids and work full-time. My husband is a stay at home dad but I still ferry the kids about and make meals. The other day, when I was exhausted, my toddler overturned a plant pot. My husband was furious. He took out the brand new car I bought and let the kids eat sausage rolls. There are crumbs and greasy prints everywhere. He has told all his friends it was to teach me a lesson.

@OooPourUsACupLove
I really don't like spiteful behaviour. So often it deteriorates into something worse. I hate seeing children 'taught a lesson' with a spiteful punishment. Somebody who is spiteful as a 'joke' will end up having the tables turned on them eventually.
I can never see 'spite' as funny.
I also believe that adults should contribute financially.
I can just imagine this being written from the partner's point of view. Spiteful behaviour as a joke, is not acceptable. So much nasty behaviour tries to be justified as a 'joke'. I can just imagine a woman on here who had a new jumper or something she was proud of and her husband allowed the children to paste it with greasy fingers. What a 'laugh', not.

'when I was exhausted, my toddler overturned a plant pot' is not the same as DP being oblivious to the child emptying soil out and smushing it into the the carpet and his hair, or indeed DP dismissing it as ‘not a big deal’. And the OP makes clear that this wasn't a one-off and this sort of thing has happened previously when he’s been ‘in charge’ of the kids.

But please do the one where in your alternative scenario the DP says he doesn't get why the OP is annoyed at cleaning up his beard trimmings or his crumbs (presumably because he's always too 'exhausted' to do it himself) and we can see how that sounds.

Ok. I don't see selfish behaviour as more acceptable than spiteful. I think long term selfish behaviour in a relationsip is emotional abuse.

And as a PP said, if you want to "turn the tables" you'd have to include the preceding years of the woman leaving her and the childten's mess for the man, shaving her legs in the sink, spoiling things that matter to him because she doesn't see that as important and so on.

And years of him telling her it upsets him and asking him to stop and her telling him to stop nagging.

You hate "spiteful" behaviour. I hate selfish people taking advantage of other people's desire to keep a pleasant atmosphere.

Couldn't agree more. How sad that acting in a spiteful way is so amusing to so many people.

I'm going to put it down to the usual MN Women are always right and men are always wrong attitude.

Wonderful woman, very impressed, but you missed a trick by not spilling drinks as well.

Omg the beard trimmings!! When I challenged this! (I don't clean it because we have separate bathrooms but I don't think our cleaner should have to either) He said "there's just no way to get them all" like what does he think the cleaner comes in with a magic wand

You're a LEGEND!

Hi! Sorry, busy day.

No, he just doesn’t seem to pay attention. The baby and toddler could be tearing the place up and he won’t notice. It happened again today. I left the kitchen where the kids were playing happily to unload the washing machine in the utility room. Must have been gone for all of three minutes and when I came back there was all the wet laundry I’d just hung over the airer from the previous wash all over the kitchen floor.

When I asked wtf has just happened and was he watching them he laughed. Like….does he think I like repeating mundane tasks over and over because he can’t be arsed to watch the babies for three minutes?

This is exactly how it feels. It’s a big job, keeping this place clean and tidy and clearing up after five kids and a dog. Not to mention the laundry. Why does it not matter that I don’t want to live in a war zone, but his car must remain pristine at all costs?

He sounds like a prick. Men like this are exactly the reason I refuse to give up my financial independence

I’m not economically inactive though? I’m not working at the moment because I have two very young children and no need to. I actually bring in roughly the same amount of money in to the household each month as he does, through one inherited property and one formally purchased by me alone that are both rented out.

When I asked wtf has just happened and was he watching them he laughed.
And what did you say next? 'What's funny?' would've been my next question.

EDITED for better word choice.

This supposed to seem to be obsessed with the idea of people being economically 'active' or 'inactive' and not to consider the fact that value and contribution comes in ways other than earning cash – I inheritances, as you say, and also working within the household to enable someone else to go out to work.

As someone who is married to someone who thinks that 'tidy' is a Japanese martial art, I am with you OP.

So many women on here seem to have loser husbands who they treat like children and who treat them like skivvies. And then to rejoice as though leaving crumbs and greasy fingerprints on his car is some kind of radical feminist triumph. What a life.