I did a childish thing, but it felt good! AIBU?

[fuckhimintheear]

My partner is, on the whole, a great man. He’s loyal, hardworking and an excellent father. But my God, he’s messy! I do all of the housework (I don’t work) and he does the majority of the cooking and running kids around and also working. So I can’t complain about my lot, he’s valuable and he’s lovely.

However, I’m sick to death of cleaning up his beard trimmings, cleaning up his crumbs, cleaning up the fall out when he’s been ‘in charge’ of the kids and there’s shit everywhere for me to fix. I left him alone with our 16 month old for five minutes yesterday and when I came back DP was oblivious whilst the little one was emptying soil from a plant pot and smushing it in to the the carpet and his own hair. This sort of stuff just doesn’t happen on my watch, but it seems to be ‘not a big deal’ when he’s in control.

I work really hard to give us a nice, clean orderly home. He just doesn’t seem to give a shit? He did get a new car last year though, and expressly told us all that under no circumstances would anyone be eating in the car or making any mess.

I lost my shit with the situation and took five kids down Greggs, bought us all a sausage roll and sat on the drive eating them. The car was filthy afterwards.

Am I a dick?

I think this was an excellent way of making your point @fuckhimintheear . It may seem petty to some, but sometimes you just have to show somebody in the most obvious way why their actions are causing you to get annoyed -hit 'em where it hurts so to speak.
I hope he now realises how frustrating it is when somebody treats something you keep so clean in such a dismissive way.

This is the kind of pettiness I can get behind, made me laugh 😂

Satisfying as that must have been, you now need a grown-up conversation about why you did it, and how if he can clean the car he can clean the house.

This the same man you had a thread about last month who calls you a loser, won't buy a drink for you when you are out and you were recognizing as potentially abusive?

A grown woman going out of her way to vindictively ruin someone's new car for pure spite. And dragging the kids into it.

Have you ever tried to get grease stains out?

If he's a shit dad/husband then she ought to leave. But she states in her OP that he earns all the money (enough to keep five kids and his wife) and does all the cooking. All she has to do is the cleaning. She doesn't want to leave because she's got it too good but thinks it's acceptable to behave in that way?

I wouldn’t do that ..but I’m laughing 😂
He sounds careless rather than deliberate and it’s great that he cooks , minds the kids .
But that constant cleaning up after him would drive me batty .
My husband leaves kitchen mess ☹️ while making sandwiches or whatever , but elsewhere is ok .

I have SO much time for this level of petty, passive aggressive action!!

The only way men will learn is if we inconvenience them.

I would do this every time he leaves his beard trimmings out. I bet he will stop shortly after.

Yes, same here. My dh is so fucking messy. I have asked him time and time again, but now, yes I just sound like a nag. Its boring.

😂😂😂

He's not really pulling his weight if he doesn't clean up after himself and the kids.
Tell him he has to clean up as well as 'supervise', he has to clean up his own beard clippings, and if he cooks he has to clear up too (unless you have an arrangement of 'I cook, you clear up', but it doesn't sound like you do).
If he calls you a nag, tell him clearly that that's not acceptable language. I had to do this with my DP; I told him – calmly – not to use that word about me any more because it's sexist and misogynistic. It worked.

Not pulling his weight? He's the sole earner in a family of seven.

You were probably a little bit of a dick. I like you and wish we were friends.

Calm down Meryl Streep.

Yes, he's the sole earner of money earned outside the home. But his wife's work in the home/with the family enables him to go to work and not have to pay for childcare or domestic help.
And yes I know he does work in the home as well. But I meant not pulling his weight when he's looking after the kids or doing dinner or whatever, as in, he's not doing the whole job if he leaves some of it for his wife to do.

Well done OP, that would give me satisfaction and a giggle for weeks. I totally relate to your situation. I get my own revenge with DH as he folds his dirty socks up into a pair. I refuse to un-fold them and assume they are a clean pair and put them back with the clean pairs.

My baby 👶 is now 16 and my DH and I are having the same arguments about housework we had when they were a 👶

Maybe this will help him learn- my DH hasn't 😞

This is the most reasonable thing I’ve ever read on here. Bravo OP, that’s hilarious! Plus, Greggs sausage rolls are the best food ever!

He is disgusting for expecting you to clean up his beard trimmings by the way. That is showing you zero respect. How would he like it if you left a used tampon for him to throw away?

Genius move @fuckhimintheear

You understand there's a difference between keeping the house clean and stocked, and tidying up another adult's mess, yes?

The former is one of the OP's contributions to the household. The latter should not be necessary. Even if that adult is the breadwinner.

I’m a bit on the fence because this is who he is always been like that always will be it’s his norm he was probably brought up like that
I don’t know why you’d think he’d change

biggest mistake is getting with someone then think you can change them it never ends well

the difference is he’s always been like this and always will be
you just did it out of spite and also dragged your kids into

How some MN posters love vindictive, passive aggressive behaviour.
This kind of behaviour is nasty. How can you pretend to operate as a team when you choose to be so spiteful?
You need to get a full time job. Split household chores and be grown up and work as part of a team. If you behaved like this at work you would be in a lot of trouble.

Interesting. OP is literally mirroring her husband's behaviour. So you think it's acceptable for him in their home but not for her?

From my personal experience you miss the annoying things just as much as you miss the non annoying things.
Not sure if you have ever watched the Royale Family but I think this was never better summed up in the episode where Nana is dying and Jim goes in to say goodbye to her. They have the sort of relationship where they argue and bicker the whole time and Jim is crying and he says to her 'What I wouldn't give for one last bloody argument with you'.

Perhaps it is just me but that scene resonates and gets me every time x

@OooPourUsACupLove
The OP should mirror her husband's behaviour and get a full time job, then they could in all fairness, split household chores down the middle. It is disappointing that so many women choose to be economically inactive but get so worked up about household chores. If she worked, they could afford a cleaner but according to you, spiteful passive aggressive behaviour is preferable to getting a job and behaving like a grown up.
I had a SAH friend who got worked up about splitting household jobs. Then she got a job and she was much too busy to brood about passive aggressive spiteful behaviour. He husband did his part and they were much happier.
The OP's behaviour suggests too much time on her hands. No time to plan petty spiteful behaviour if she was busy contributing financially to the household (as grown ups should)

Well done OP!!!