I did a childish thing, but it felt good! AIBU?

[fuckhimintheear]

My partner is, on the whole, a great man. He’s loyal, hardworking and an excellent father. But my God, he’s messy! I do all of the housework (I don’t work) and he does the majority of the cooking and running kids around and also working. So I can’t complain about my lot, he’s valuable and he’s lovely.

However, I’m sick to death of cleaning up his beard trimmings, cleaning up his crumbs, cleaning up the fall out when he’s been ‘in charge’ of the kids and there’s shit everywhere for me to fix. I left him alone with our 16 month old for five minutes yesterday and when I came back DP was oblivious whilst the little one was emptying soil from a plant pot and smushing it in to the the carpet and his own hair. This sort of stuff just doesn’t happen on my watch, but it seems to be ‘not a big deal’ when he’s in control.

I work really hard to give us a nice, clean orderly home. He just doesn’t seem to give a shit? He did get a new car last year though, and expressly told us all that under no circumstances would anyone be eating in the car or making any mess.

I lost my shit with the situation and took five kids down Greggs, bought us all a sausage roll and sat on the drive eating them. The car was filthy afterwards.

Am I a dick?

That's a load of bollocks, @b1anche , not the opposite scenario

With the situation of eating the sausage rolls in the car, in his place I'd have expected you to tidy it up afterwards so it was similar to the way you found it.

But he doesn’t do that with the house

He’s not a loser. He’s very loveable, hardworking and pulls his weight in so many areas. I’d be lost without him. But that doesn’t mean that he should repeatedly ignore my requests to clear up after himself and after the children when he’s ’in charge’.

It’s not an either/or situation and it isn’t black or white. You can have a messy husband that you love and value as an equal, and still be a bit pissed off about their bread trimmings in the sink in the morning.

And your thread from not that long ago where you were asking if he was financially abusive and he was calling you a loser?

It's definitely better than LTB. Well done for fighting for your marriage.

Sit him down, without children, and, first, tell him you love him, then list three things he does around the home that you really like and for which you are very grateful and that he's sexy when he does them and it makes you love him even more. Then say "but it makes me feel unloved as though you see me as a maid and not your wife, when. . ." important to only list ONE thing, these are tiny baby steps here. Say it calmly, give him a smooch. Then shut up. Shutting up is the hard part as you will want to say more. Don't unless he asks something specific, then give a small answer, don't elaborate, yes or no is best.

Sit there with him silently, put your hand on his thigh, and let him process. These are baby steps, when you are silent he can move because when you are silent that is when you are holding his arms and letting him walk. When he does whatever it is you want him to do, notice it, appreciate it, give him a peck. When he does it consistently over many days, give him a kiss. Tell him he's a great husband.

I think you made your point perfectly 🤣

"He owns two houses. One in which we live. I own nothing."

That was you on the 15th of September, OP. You pretty much accused him of being financially abusive, and he told you that you're a loser who'd done nothing with her life. Now he's just a bit messy, but you love and value him as an equal?

Exactly. If you complain they think 'nag'. When they left to feel the pain they start getting it. I hear you and u totally did the right thing. Not childish. U training him to understand that it's not ok to let the kids trash the house. The car is his space and he doesn't like it filthy. Well same for u. House is Ur thing and u don't like it filthy either. I reckon u did exactly what needed to be done.

And OP who said he doesn't 'deliberately' trash the house... Well he kinda does. He can't be bothered controlling the kids and it's not him who will tidy the mess, so who cares. He might start caring now.

Try jam doughnuts next time.

I love this. It’s not spiteful or OTT, it’s just a perfectly satisfying way to let off some steam. Hope it made you feel a bit better!

imo it's irrelevant whose job it is to do the housework. Tidying up after yourself isn't housework. Everyone over the age of 3 in a household should be tidying after themselves, ie picking up their own toys, clearing up their own beard trimmings, wiping it up if they spill something, etc.

But the OP has told him. Sometimes dealing with a messy DP can be like cinstabtky nagging a 5 year old. I have a "messy" man and I do tell him and get accused of "nagging". So 9 times out of 10 I just clear it up. But now and then I "lose my shit" and then I just leave it, sometimes for days. He hates things being "untidy" and so says something and then I just tell him again how much it gets me down. He's good then, for a while, then off we go again. I read lots of this type if thing and think it's just how some men/women relationships are. That said theres nothing e dies that's worth leaving my DP for 😁

Not only are you not being unreasonable, I’d repeat this experiment to really ram home the message

So he has double standards. Rather petty but probably felt good.
He does however have the responsibility and stress of financially supporting 7 people if you have 5 kids, plus does all the cooking and runs the kids around? He's not that bad. Maybe your 'payback' will make him think....

Lol at all the menz kvetching. Cannot help their wee selves. 😂 Well played OP.

Actions speak louder than words. Well done hope he’s got the message loud and clear. He’s being childish making such a mess .

I am raising my mug of tea to you 👏
These are the lessons they learn from, consequences.

Just because you don’t work doesn’t make you his maid.

I dropped my managerial role at work and now do 2, 7 hours night shifts a week. My husband asked if that meant I would start doing his washing now? (Having done it for about 10 years) I said no. The cleaning ratio won’t change as I’ve always done the bulk anyway. I said if you see that room needs hoovering then do it.
I am not his maid, I do the general bulk though. He does his own washing, cleans up after he shaves. Last weekend he did a deep clean of the bathroom and stairs.
He helps make mess he should help clean up.

Late to the party .... OP you are a legend! 😂

No. If he's not watching the kids making a mess, then I'd be worried that he won't be watching them before they do something dangerous. He needs to pay more attention

I fully support your actions. 😎

Because… sometimes… actions speak louder than words and getting a bit of your own medicine back speaks volumes!!!

I love that idea! The image of spilt soil and the bag just popped up in my mind!

Honestly, it sounds like OP's husband has never in his entire life been made to take responsibility for his living conditions. There are so many women out there who think they are doing their husbands or sons a favour by cleaning up after them, when in fact they are doing the exact opposite. Teach all kids,regardless of gender, to clean up after themselves, and everyone will be better off later.