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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting mums new partner for Christmas?

146 replies

HappyFeet63 · 21/10/2025 20:44

Posting for some genuine feedback from others

My dad died 3 years ago. Mum has now had a new partner for a good few months, things seem serious and she has hinted at me
inviting him for Christmas dinner at mine. They are local so no overnight stay, would be from lunchtime til early evening so not a long time, but obviously includes the main Christmas dinner etc and kids presents.

However I really don’t want him to come. I’d love my mum to come and then see him later.

I know this sounds awful!

I just get bad vibes from him, there’s nothing specific he’s done or said, but I just can’t trust him and feel he isn’t right for mum. I don’t like him being around my 3 kids who are all under 9, so still fairly young. I don’t want to have to be polite and on ceremony on Christmas Day with someone I’m not comfortable with.

argh! I just feel like a horrible person but also trying to balance my kids and husband and I being comfortable and relaxed on Christmas Day.

I find it a huge red flag that this man has 3 kids but none of them really speak much to him and certainly won’t spend Christmas with him, and he has no family/friends. This means he will otherwise be alone until he sees my mum, so I know how uncharitable this sounds. But surely this is a massive red flag that in 60
odd years on planet Earth he hasn’t maintained relationship enough with anyone to spend Christmas with otherwise!!! Generally think he has lots of red flags but my mum does seem happy with him, and is planning a future with him from what I can tell, so should I just suck it up?!

Ive not communicated this to my mum, except a slightly awkward chat alluding to this but with nothing explicit said🙈 I don’t want to hurt her - she and I have been so close until this man came around!

such a rant, and I know I sound
awful!

so AIBU to not have him?

OP posts:
Anxietybummer · 21/10/2025 20:47

I would be careful how you approach this. You don’t want your mum to feel like she has to choose. If he is a bad character then it may play into his hands if wants to isolate your mum, and making him the victim is the perfect way to do that!

Robertsmithsnan · 21/10/2025 20:49

It is for a few hours on Christmas Day, you run the risk of upsetting your mum and her refusing to come without him.

NConthe · 21/10/2025 20:50

It’s a few hours and sounds like you’ll have a house full so just plonk him in an armchair or next to your mum at the table and crack on.

Why would you be “on ceremony”? Your house, carry on as normal but let him come for your mum

Ponderingwindow · 21/10/2025 20:52

If it’s less than a year, I would just say it is too soon to include him in such a family-centric as the children may start to get attached. A few months really is a bit early for grandma’s boyfriend to be at Christmas.

If he is still around in 2026, then I think you need to extend an invitation to at least part of the day.

Bankholidayworries · 21/10/2025 20:53

For me it would come down to whether my Mum would be happiest with him there or not. If she would be happier if he was there then that would be my answer.

I think it’s totally understandable for you to feel this way especially as you’ve lost your dad, and Christmas tends to be all about family. But it must be hard for your mum too, without someone to share it with.

Thatstheheatingon · 21/10/2025 20:53

Don't alienate your mum

5128gap · 21/10/2025 20:53

I think I'd go with "Mum, I know you'd like Colin to come for Christmas day, but we'd really like to have you to ourselves for a few hours. I don't know him well enough to feel relaxed. Could you maybe come to us on your own for part of the day?" It may not go perfectly, but this is your mum and if you can't tell her what you want and feel, who can you tell? I don't think its a good idea to pretend you're OK with it if you're not otherwise it will become the norm for him to always be there and harder to stop it if your feelings towards him become worse.

Ponderingwindow · 21/10/2025 20:53

NConthe · 21/10/2025 20:50

It’s a few hours and sounds like you’ll have a house full so just plonk him in an armchair or next to your mum at the table and crack on.

Why would you be “on ceremony”? Your house, carry on as normal but let him come for your mum

You are a much more mellow person than anyone in my family. If you aren’t someone we are super comfortable with, we will be in fight or flight mode all day. The more the merrier is not our reality.

SpanThatWorld · 21/10/2025 20:55

I think a lot of men find themselves isolated in later life. Being low-ish contact with kids who stayed with their mums after separation isn't unusual. The kids from my husband's first marriage would all choose to spend Xmas day with their mum or with their own nuclear family.
If my husband and I ever separated, my kids would side with me. My husband has no friends really; describes himself as having "positive relationships" with various people but they're all part of his work life.

Actually, when I think about it, my stepdad spent every Xmas alone after my mum died. He was a lovely guy but he didn't have anyone after she died.

Your mum's partner may indeed be iffy but it's really not unusual for older men to be very alone.

Bunnie007 · 21/10/2025 20:55

I think I agree with previous posters. I might be playing into his hands if you don’t invite him. The most important thing is not to let him isolate your mum. Invite be polite and friendly. I totally agree it is a huge red flag he doesn’t have other family relationships that mean he has to spend Xmas with you and I have experience of this with a now step parent. The red flags were very valid! I think your best bet is to keep your mum close by tolerating him and hoping she sees sense.
All that said if you feel uneasy around him do trust your gut in regards to access to your children. People with no family/friends around to back up who they are make me suspicious!!!

Ponoka7 · 21/10/2025 20:56

There's lots of MNers who end up alone on Christmas day and they aren't in any shape or form a red flag. I've spent Christmas alone. My youngest goes to a friend's, they are both autistic and I wouldn't intrude. My other DD is usually working and my other adult child, has a hectic day and I'd rather not join in. I'm from immigrant background, my Mum was an older Mum, so I don't have an extended family in the UK. You could broach it with her, but be prepared for her to not be willing to leave him on his own.

pizzaHeart · 21/10/2025 20:56

I agree with @Ponderingwindow
it’s a bit too early imo, next year would be different.
I wouldn’t go with “bad vibes” explanation but rather that it’s a very new relationship. I think 3 month old wouldn’t care and 15 y.o would be indifferent but for over 3 and under 9 ….it would be too confusing.

FloofyKat · 21/10/2025 20:56

i don’t think your comment about him not having built any relationships lasting long enough to have someone to go on Christmas Day is very fair. Lots of people are in this position but it doesn’t mean they are dodgy!

TwistedWonder · 21/10/2025 20:57

5128gap · 21/10/2025 20:53

I think I'd go with "Mum, I know you'd like Colin to come for Christmas day, but we'd really like to have you to ourselves for a few hours. I don't know him well enough to feel relaxed. Could you maybe come to us on your own for part of the day?" It may not go perfectly, but this is your mum and if you can't tell her what you want and feel, who can you tell? I don't think its a good idea to pretend you're OK with it if you're not otherwise it will become the norm for him to always be there and harder to stop it if your feelings towards him become worse.

Totally agree with this approach.

Put it to your mum that you and your DC really want quality time with her on Christmas Day.

MidnightPatrol · 21/10/2025 20:57

Yeah I agree it’s weird for her boyfriend of <1 year to come to your family Christmas.

A random Sunday lunch fine, but Christmas is family time and particularly with three kids under 9… it’s about them really isn’t it.

Skippydoodle · 21/10/2025 20:58

Suck it up. I’m sure you or your siblings (if you have any) had partners in the past that your mum didn’t go mad on. Indulge her, be the bigger person, and hopefully if he is a bad one, she will see sense.

Irenesortof · 21/10/2025 20:58

I think you could say that you don't know him well enough to share Christmas lunch with the whole family, but you'd like to pop in and see them both one evening and have a drink together, or maybe meet them at the pub. It's probably better to get to know him if you are getting bad vibes so you can support your mum if necessary, knowing what's going on. Or perhaps he will improve with acquaintance. Some people do especially if they are nervous.

PeloMom · 21/10/2025 21:01

I wouldn’t be happy with that too. Tell her politely you’d prefer just her this year and if he’s around for next Christmas, he can join too.
my mother tends to do this kind of stuff and now I look back on pictures of what were supposed to be special family times with random douchebags in them and drives me nuts.

ByTwinklyDreamer · 21/10/2025 21:01

I think it’s fine to say it’s a bit too soon to spend the whole day with him but he’s welcome in the evening or whatever you are comfortable with. Be prepared that your DM may then want to have Christmas dinner with him somewhere else.

BadgernTheGarden · 21/10/2025 21:02

They are not staying and it might be an opportunity to get to know him, you might even like him. Just have your day as usual it's up to him to fit in or not. It's your mum's Christmas too and you want her to be happy.

cloudtreecarpet · 21/10/2025 21:04

No I don't think you need to invite him this year if it will make you feel uncomfortable - it's your house after all.

He must have done something last Christmas & beyond, why can't he do the same thing this year?

Don't be guilted into it, he's old enough to sort something else out or even be on his own in the day & then see your mum later on in the evening.
People get too silly about people being alone on Christmas Day, if he gets to see your mum at some point that day or the day before/after then that's fine.

It's perfectly natural for you to feel uncertain about it & your mum should accept that. Just explain it to her gently and then it's up to her.

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/10/2025 21:06

I'm torn. I think if it was my mum I would feel its to soon. However I have also been on my own for a while and I understand what it's like to feel alone on those days and not to have someone special in your life. I have had lots of christmases when the kids were young where I didn't even get a present (I know that doesn't apply to your mum) unless my Mum organised it.
How would you feel if your mum chose to spend it with him and not you?

Trentdarkmore · 21/10/2025 21:07

It's only for a few hours, and would be nice for your mum.

cloudtreecarpet · 21/10/2025 21:08

Trentdarkmore · 21/10/2025 21:07

It's only for a few hours, and would be nice for your mum.

But equally if it's "only for a few hours" why can't he be somewhere else allowing the mum quality time with her family?

jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple · 21/10/2025 21:08

If it were me I would, for the sake of my mum really try to get to know him a bit. Can you say does xxx want to come for sunday lunch with you next week, I would like to try to get to know him a bit mum? Maybe 2 or 3 of those might give you a better view of their relationship..do this now before the christmas expectations set it ..then review it maybe nearer the time?