Not inviting mums new partner for Christmas?

[HappyFeet63]

Posting for some genuine feedback from others

My dad died 3 years ago. Mum has now had a new partner for a good few months, things seem serious and she has hinted at me
inviting him for Christmas dinner at mine. They are local so no overnight stay, would be from lunchtime til early evening so not a long time, but obviously includes the main Christmas dinner etc and kids presents.

However I really don’t want him to come. I’d love my mum to come and then see him later.

I know this sounds awful!

I just get bad vibes from him, there’s nothing specific he’s done or said, but I just can’t trust him and feel he isn’t right for mum. I don’t like him being around my 3 kids who are all under 9, so still fairly young. I don’t want to have to be polite and on ceremony on Christmas Day with someone I’m not comfortable with.

argh! I just feel like a horrible person but also trying to balance my kids and husband and I being comfortable and relaxed on Christmas Day.

I find it a huge red flag that this man has 3 kids but none of them really speak much to him and certainly won’t spend Christmas with him, and he has no family/friends. This means he will otherwise be alone until he sees my mum, so I know how uncharitable this sounds. But surely this is a massive red flag that in 60
odd years on planet Earth he hasn’t maintained relationship enough with anyone to spend Christmas with otherwise!!! Generally think he has lots of red flags but my mum does seem happy with him, and is planning a future with him from what I can tell, so should I just suck it up?!

Ive not communicated this to my mum, except a slightly awkward chat alluding to this but with nothing explicit said🙈 I don’t want to hurt her - she and I have been so close until this man came around!

such a rant, and I know I sound
awful!

so AIBU to not have him?

Don't be so ridiculous.

@HappyFeet63 don't listen to this poster. They are being silly and trying to guilt trip you into being a doormat. Perhaps it has hit home for them and they are projecting a bit, who knows.

You are looking out for your mum which is much more sensible to do than just being a passive doormat. Take comfort in the fact all of your family agree with your assessment of the situation.

Claire's law disclosure is a really good idea and you'll know if your gut feeling is right.

A bit similar anyway

I met my partner when we were about the same age as OP's mum and her OH. We've been together for around 15 years now. We were both separated at the time - for quite a while.

We hadn't been in a relationship for long before Xmas. She invited me to her Xmas family lunch. Some of her children (who I hadn't met) were there with their partners plus various grandchildren. For me - as an only child of only children with no kids of my own - it was actually overwhelming. She very kindly suggested I went home early

Up until then I had spent Xmas alone.

I think I'm with the PPs who suggested mum comes earlier and her OH for lunch

I do get that my situation (as a bloke) isn't completely the same as the OP's but don't really agree with the idea that there is some sort of time frame before an OH can be invited to a family Xmas.

Are you invested in this because your adult children are also wary of your partner, who is lovebombing you and moving in to your home after less than a year whilst being mysteriously cut off by his adult children and all his family and former friends and colleagues, acquaintances etc?

If I were ever in the OP's mother's position I sincerely hope I'd have the grace to respect my daughter or son putting his or her young children/ my young grandchildren's Christmas and general safety and comfort before that of a man I'd met a matter of months ago.

It took me a LONG time to warm up to my stepdad. Mum and Dad had separated years before hand but most of the family felt that she was diving in head first with the speed of things, especially him moving into her house.

I had a conversation very early on with her that she could go rushing in but she needed to give everyone else a little time to get to know him and feel comfortable around him. I think they'd known each other for about 3 years before he came for Christmas at ours for the 1st time. It's OK to verbalise that you're worried and that you're not comfortable going at the pace she is.

He isn't her mum's partner! He's a man she's been seeing for a few months, that's all. He doesn't have partner status yet.

If the shoe was on the other foot and OP had been seeing a jobless, homeless man whose children didn't speak to him, everyone would be telling her to keep him away from her children, too soon, sounds like a cocklodger etc etc, so why is it suddenly different if her mum is hanging round with this very dodgy sounding man?

Is your mums new boyfriend my Dad? 😂

I don't speak to him at all, my half brother & sister barely speak to him.

He does have family but not who he would spend xmas with as they are all dotted about the country / world....He's currently been made jobless and in a temporary rental!!

So the children are allowed to vet all mums partners are they?

What if they dont like any of them.

Should mum stay single.

Is it ok if mum says I dont want to come xmas day i dont like your partner, what should daughter do then.
Dont have Xmas if its that's hard.

This

Have you asked your mum why his kids don’t speak to him?

I would also go with this advice.

it’s a good compromise plus you may get to know him (better enough for the bad vibes to go) or you may find out more to justify why you have them.

* edited to say; sorry I’ve just read your other posts. I should RTFT before posting. I hope it all goes ok for you.

Don't have Christmas for three children under 9 unless you invite a guy grandma met a few months ago? Is that what you are saying?

But surely this is a massive red flag that in 60 odd years on planet Earth he hasn’t maintained relationship enough with anyone to spend Christmas with otherwise!!

You dont have any concrete evidence, just a bad vibe, which is not a reliable indicator that he really is off. But even if he is a wrong 'un, this statement is just really nasty - plenty of really nice people might find themselves in this position and the lack of compassion for this is really showing an unpleasant side of yourself.

Christmas isn’t hard. Nobody is making it hard but you, claiming that the OP isn’t a good daughter because she’s not willing to pretend that she thinks that a relationship with a vulnerably housed, jobless potential ponce whose kids don’t talk to him is a good idea, or let said potential ponce in her home, around her family.

So the children are allowed to vet all mums partners are they?
What if they dont like any of them
Should mum stay single

If the children are minors, then yes, they absolutely do get to vet people. And if they don’t like them then yes, mum (or dad) needs to either stay single or conduct the relationship away from the family home, so it doesn’t impact on the children at all. That’s a parent’s job; to make sure their child isn’t miserable in their own home.

If the children are adults and don’t like any of your partners (how many would there be? You make it sound like a revolving door, and who wants some random in their home who won’t even be around in a couple of months) then perhaps you should be asking yourself why they don’t like them, and what they can see that you can’t. If the parents judgement is that poor that they keep dating unpleasant people then, again, perhaps they should stay single.

Is it ok if mum says I dont want to come xmas day i dont like your partner, what should daughter do then Yes, it’s ok. Of course it’s ok. Why wouldn’t it be ok? And if the daughter has any common sense she should ask her mum why, find out if her mum can see something she can’t, and then either decide whether she wants to end the relationship or keep it separate from her relationship with her mum.

Why is this all so shocking to you?

£50 on ‘my ex turned them against me’.

just because he has no contact with his children at Xmas doesn’t mean he’s a bad person not everyone has family / friends to spend Xmas with. What I would worry about tho is how your relationship would be with your mum afterwards you don’t want to fall out with her. Do you have siblings ? Do they like him?

@Netcurtainnellysurely after a few months, this bloke is a boyfriend right? Hardly a "partner" Trust your gut OP, he needs to prove himself a lot more.

No, that’s very true. But if you have children who don’t want to see you or speak to you, either at Christmas or at any other time of the year, then it’s a pretty safe bet that you’re not going to have won any Parent of the Year competitions.

But you just want her to move on with someone trustworthy.

I would still encourage you to do a Claire’s law request after you update re the red flags.

if you also know his full name it’s worth a google. Sometimes it throws up some interesting stuff

Your mum is a CF for even hinting about it tbh.
If she wants to cut off her nose to spite her face and spend Christmas in temporary accommodation, leave her at it.

Massive drip feed from OP regarding temp accommodation and joblessness. Temp accommodation as in previously declared homeless or released from prison or post divorce? House repossession ? This throws up more questions!

I think it was quite clear op said there were multiple red flags in their first post but people got very bogged down in the lack of relationships..

I do totally agree though there are so many reasons why someone becomes homeless and they can be totally fair (landlord selling up for example) or more untoward and I think it's fair to want to understand what you're dealing with when having someone in your home around your kids.

Essentially this guy is a stranger to you who your mum wants you to host at Xmas. I'd be telling her it's just too soon and you'd want to know him better before hosting him at your house.