Not inviting mums new partner for Christmas?

[HappyFeet63]

Posting for some genuine feedback from others

My dad died 3 years ago. Mum has now had a new partner for a good few months, things seem serious and she has hinted at me
inviting him for Christmas dinner at mine. They are local so no overnight stay, would be from lunchtime til early evening so not a long time, but obviously includes the main Christmas dinner etc and kids presents.

However I really don’t want him to come. I’d love my mum to come and then see him later.

I know this sounds awful!

I just get bad vibes from him, there’s nothing specific he’s done or said, but I just can’t trust him and feel he isn’t right for mum. I don’t like him being around my 3 kids who are all under 9, so still fairly young. I don’t want to have to be polite and on ceremony on Christmas Day with someone I’m not comfortable with.

argh! I just feel like a horrible person but also trying to balance my kids and husband and I being comfortable and relaxed on Christmas Day.

I find it a huge red flag that this man has 3 kids but none of them really speak much to him and certainly won’t spend Christmas with him, and he has no family/friends. This means he will otherwise be alone until he sees my mum, so I know how uncharitable this sounds. But surely this is a massive red flag that in 60
odd years on planet Earth he hasn’t maintained relationship enough with anyone to spend Christmas with otherwise!!! Generally think he has lots of red flags but my mum does seem happy with him, and is planning a future with him from what I can tell, so should I just suck it up?!

Ive not communicated this to my mum, except a slightly awkward chat alluding to this but with nothing explicit said🙈 I don’t want to hurt her - she and I have been so close until this man came around!

such a rant, and I know I sound
awful!

so AIBU to not have him?

Yes, of course. Probably I'm wrong but there are lots of similar suggestions.

If you don't feel comfortable with him being around your young children, don't invite him to your house at all - and especially not on a day when everyone is busy and distracted and you won't be supervising closely.

If there were no children involved then there'd be more of an argument for perhaps centering your mum as it's at least not an overnight (but still I'm very uncomfortable with any suggestions a woman should ignore her gut instincts about being around someone in order to "be kind" to a man and invite him into her house...).

I must be closer to your mum's age than yours and I wouldn't want my adult daughter to host a man she was uncomfortable with for my sake. I remember being really uncomfortable around my mother's brother as a child - he similarly came to us almost every Christmas despite having his own two children from two different brief marriages, neither of whom he was in regular contact with. He never really did anything but said both creepy and insulting things, and we had to be nice and polite because he was family... it definitely cast a significant shadow.

No I wouldn’t invite him, you will end up stuck with him every year. I think a PPs suggestion about going out for Sunday lunch with them or similar now and again to show a willing to get to know him. You need to put your kids first at Christmas.

Actually I think you're wrong - because OP has three children under 9.

In a like for like where the mother of an adult DD (say her eldest is an adult woman of 21) also has younger children, especially children who are actually still in childhood, she (the mother) would be absolutely correct to tell her adult DD that she is and always will be completely welcome home at any time, but for the first year at least, the boyfriend isn't invited.

In fact IMO it's fairly unusual for people who go "home" to their parents and younger siblings for Christmas to take a new boyfriend or girlfriend with them if they've only been together a few months.

My adult child lives alone and comes to us for Christmas and at least one meal most weekends and has been with the same partner four years, but although they are in and out of our house together on ordinary weekends and both here for weekend meals regularly neither have suggested actually spending Christmas day together yet (they spend New Years together).

I’m split because you barely know him and have already jumped to the decision he’s weird. I realise we have instincts but sometimes they can be way off, he may just be a bit socially awkward with new people. Having said that, I do always think it’s a red flag when adult children have gone NC and listen to that.

Be careful how you broach it with your Mum so as not to offend her. I suppose they don’t need to spend Christmas Day together with it being such a new relationship but I would say if they’re serious, you’re going to have to get used to him being around.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts- I’ve really valued the breadth of opinions and advice here

Someone asked me to clarify the red flags a bit more - essentially it’s not just that he has nobody to spend Christmas Day with, but he has no friends and no human contact except my mum, he is jobless and in temporary accommodation and I suspect using mum for housing and financial gain (not moved in yet but from comments that I’ve heard I suspect this is coming), and my mum is pretty vulnerable as my dad was unwell for some time and the relationship was, to put it mildly, rocky at times, so she is vulnerable to someone swooping in and love bombing.

Again this may sound judgemental and I don’t mean to come across that way, but I’m not daft, I have a professional job where reading people is important and have seen a lot over the years- I just cannot trust his intentions (and I know he isn’t my boyfriend and she’s an adult etc etc, hence not making a scene)

My husband is great and very measured and also doesn’t trust this man, and we are not having him for Christmas after a really thorough chat re pros and cons. I will use some suggestions from this thread to guide the conversation and try to continue to spend time with mum and this man so I don’t push her away. My sister and gran also totally agree with this - it’s not just me.

Safeguarding my children is my main priority, and thanks to those who realised that is the main priority and reassured me I am not being unnecessarily cautious

This has been so helpful

Also to add I’m not jealous or upset about mum moving on - I truly want her to find happiness and will embrace who she chooses with time but I won’t ignore red flags and risk anything with the kids

If you feel pushed he could pop for drinks when the dc are in bed. Time to suss him out a bit more and not refusing to have him over altogether..
Op have you Googled his name? To the very bottom page? I found out some bad stuff about a man I had a few niggles about.
Not relationship related though...
I knew I was right to trust my gut... Maybe your dm wil refuse to hear it /believe it but then having him over is a def no.

Could the temp accommodation be a post prison type place?

Your very judgemental and assuming the fact he dosent see his kids is his doing.
You obviously dont care about your mums happiness either and are prepared to make life difficult for her.
How would you like to be put in that situation?
YABU. I'm glad your not my daughter.

Your update adds further weight to your concerns, @HappyFeet63 . I was also thinking prison. Would you consider making a Clare's Law request now or in the future?

Why not ask your mum to come earlier and her bf can join you later? Your mum could arrive at noon to have some time with grandchildren and bf can arrive shortly before Christmas dinner is served.

What do you want your Mum to do? Leave him sat alone in a hotel on Christmas Day? What risk do you think he poses by sitting with your family for Christmas dinner?

I understand being concerned that your mother’s partner is exploiting her. Romance scams are real. He’s more likely to be someone who has had bad luck (a divorce, illness) than a scammer - but you cannot just ignore that. He could be recently released from jail as has been suggested - but he also could just be one of a very large number of older people with housing insecurity.

What I don’t understand is how you see these things as a risk to your children.

given i can’t see the link to the risk to the children - im not understanding how you think not inviting him is going to help protect your mother from him. You are forcing her to choose between spending Christmas with her partner, or with you and your family. If she chooses him - there’s likely to be resentment towards you; if she chooses you there’s a risk that IF he were to try isolate her from you then he’s got good ammunition that it’s you not him keeping you apart.

Although I feel I should disclose I too will be alone for Christmas as I am most years. And I’m really not that creepy or friendless.

I don't get the notion that it's a red flag that he has nothing else to do on xmas day.

He can't magic up family and many people find it very difficult to make proper new friends at all sorts of stages in their lives but particularly as they get older. There's a lot of couples I know in their 40s+ who would be alone on xmas day if it wasn't for their partner

I get that, but he has nobody to vouch for him and the 3 kids he has don’t speak to him, that surely says something? No friends, no family. It’s not just Christmas Day, it’s every day. I get some people wouldn’t impose on friends or wider family on Christmas Day, but he has nobody in daily life to say yeah he’s a decent bloke

Maybe he has just been unlucky, that’s fine, but for me that’s a red flag and why I’ll be extra cautious given there’s kids involved

thanks for the Sarah’s law suggestion up thread - will definitely do this

Wow - this is harshly judgemental given you don’t know me

My mother’s husband is in a similar position. I wonder if they’re the same person? He met a new woman approximately 18 months after my mum died and bought a house with her shortly afterwards. I wouldn’t want him near my child. I wouldn’t invite him to Xmas dinner or even spit on him if he was on fire. Trust your gut.

I don’t know about everyone else’s kids but mine are really uncomfortable around strangers so I wouldn’t subject them to that on Christmas Day in their own homes for anyone. If you’d all met a few times and got along well enough and the kids were happy with it then sure, but otherwise it would be a ‘not this year but maybe next Christmas’ from me.

Do not doubt yourself for a minute.
He reads as a total red flag.
Don't hesitate to contact Age Uk for advice.
Your mother is vulnerable.
Get informal advice from the police too.
He has too much to gain from moving into your mothers house and using coercive control to isolate her from you all.

I would prefer to be bad minded and cautious, that duped and regretful.

Christmas years when Santa visits are short enough.
I wouldn't dream of having a red flag stranger a hundred yards near my house or my children.

Never doubt yourself OP, your instincts are excellent.

Do I need to know you.
You've made judgements on reasons he dosent see his kids.

You are expecting your mum to choose. This is her partner. How would you like it if your kids did that to you?

Another way to look at it!

It would be very easy for the OP to hang out the bunting and welcome this man into her home. She could tell her mum that he seems lovely and she’s really happy for her, and that she hopes it all turns out to be a wonderful happy ever after. But part of being a responsible grown up is identifying when things don’t seem right and protecting our loved ones when they’re heading for a fall but they just can’t see it. It’s why we don’t allow our 13 year old daughters to date 17 year olds, even though they think he’s lovely and that nothing will happen to them.

If you could see your daughter blundering into a romance with some man you thought was thoroughly dodgy and who you suspect would be using her, and you didn’t say anything because you didn’t want to make her think you weren’t happy for her, then I suspect a few of us would be very happy that we’re not your daughters either.

Can’t say I’d be keen if my mum hooked up with a jobless homeless guy who was estranged from his adult children. I’d probably try to have him round for some of the time though just to get a sense of what he’s really like and how he treats your mum. Keep your kids out of the way and tbh he’s probably more of a risk to your mum than them.

You get worse! That’s not the only reason she’s judging him.

And what sort of parent doesn’t take their kid’s opinions into account when bringing a new partner into the family?

I can’t add much to what has been written, but I’m in a similar situation. My parents separated last year and my mum had a new boyfriend within a month (he has children the same age as mine, but that’s another story). My mum was dreadful to my dad and to me throughout the whole process, hence why it’s quite different to you as I’m not my mum’s biggest fan.

Both my mum and dad attended Christmas at our house last year, and whilst occasionally strained, it was mostly fine, but we knew it wouldn’t ever happen again. My mum asked that she have Christmas at ours this year as she’ll be with new boyfriend & his kids next year, but I just couldn’t reconcile my children spending Christmas Day with him and not their actual grandad. It seemed like madness.

I asked if my dad could have the morning with the kids and she could come at 10ish and she agreed, much to my astonishment as she’s usually beyond unreasonable. So it may be worth asking if you could spend an hour or two with her before he arrives. Good luck.