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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not inviting mums new partner for Christmas?

146 replies

HappyFeet63 · 21/10/2025 20:44

Posting for some genuine feedback from others

My dad died 3 years ago. Mum has now had a new partner for a good few months, things seem serious and she has hinted at me
inviting him for Christmas dinner at mine. They are local so no overnight stay, would be from lunchtime til early evening so not a long time, but obviously includes the main Christmas dinner etc and kids presents.

However I really don’t want him to come. I’d love my mum to come and then see him later.

I know this sounds awful!

I just get bad vibes from him, there’s nothing specific he’s done or said, but I just can’t trust him and feel he isn’t right for mum. I don’t like him being around my 3 kids who are all under 9, so still fairly young. I don’t want to have to be polite and on ceremony on Christmas Day with someone I’m not comfortable with.

argh! I just feel like a horrible person but also trying to balance my kids and husband and I being comfortable and relaxed on Christmas Day.

I find it a huge red flag that this man has 3 kids but none of them really speak much to him and certainly won’t spend Christmas with him, and he has no family/friends. This means he will otherwise be alone until he sees my mum, so I know how uncharitable this sounds. But surely this is a massive red flag that in 60
odd years on planet Earth he hasn’t maintained relationship enough with anyone to spend Christmas with otherwise!!! Generally think he has lots of red flags but my mum does seem happy with him, and is planning a future with him from what I can tell, so should I just suck it up?!

Ive not communicated this to my mum, except a slightly awkward chat alluding to this but with nothing explicit said🙈 I don’t want to hurt her - she and I have been so close until this man came around!

such a rant, and I know I sound
awful!

so AIBU to not have him?

OP posts:

BerkleyChoo · 21/10/2025 22:03

I can’t imagine being so up my own arse that I thought excluding my mother’s boyfriend from Christmas Day wouldn’t cause an issue. Even if you’re not keen you can plonk him in a chair somewhere or give him something to do. Has he actually done anything concrete yet to make you think he’s a bad’un? Chill.

Tassielassie · 21/10/2025 22:03

No way I would have someone i wasn't comfortable in my house with my children on Christmas day.

Absolutely inappropriate.
Your gut is right.
3 kids of his own and none of them want him.
Tells you a lot.

CinnamonBuns67 · 21/10/2025 22:06

I say this as kindly as possible, I think you just don't like that your mum has moved on after your Dad has passed and you are nitpicking at him to try justify not liking him. It's a natural reaction but that doesn't make him a bad person or mean he's a red flag or not right for mum, it just means you aren't ready to accept him.

Ultimately I wouldn't alienate my mum by alienating her partner unless I had good reason to (like he'd done or said something awful). You might have to accept that she might not come if you say her partner can't be there.

Izzywizzy85 · 21/10/2025 22:07

She’s your mum. She’s lost her husband and has found a glimmer of happiness and companionship with someone else. I think you’re being really selfish.

Wishingplenty · 21/10/2025 22:08

You sound very sensible and should go with your gut feeling. You are so right about it being a red flag that he has so little contact with his own children. If your Mum was thinking clearly she would be questioning this also. It does not say much for him as a family man if his own children are not spending time with him on special days.

Izzywizzy85 · 21/10/2025 22:08

Tassielassie · 21/10/2025 22:03

No way I would have someone i wasn't comfortable in my house with my children on Christmas day.

Absolutely inappropriate.
Your gut is right.
3 kids of his own and none of them want him.
Tells you a lot.

come off it now. He won’t be unsupervised with the kids. Op got a “bad vibe” he’s hardly a convicted serial killer. Such OTT reactions.

Lavender14 · 21/10/2025 22:14

Op it might help us advise you if you can clarify what the red flags you're seeing are outside of not having Xmas plans or seeing his children much?

Lavenderandbrown · 21/10/2025 22:14

Have him along. It’s most important to be with your mum so I would just include him. If he acts inappropriately or says inappropriate things call him out on it immediately. Make sure DH is also on board with the plan.

let’s us know what he brings to share with his hosts on the holiday. Tell mum he needs to contribute because I doubt he will be cooking serving or cleaning up.

onceuponatimeinneverland · 21/10/2025 22:16

I'd do a Claires Law request especially if you are getting 'vibes' from him.

I'd probably go with a comment along the lines of pp and say you'd like to see her for a few hours without him

Buxusmortus · 21/10/2025 22:17

I and my siblings wouldn't invite anyone's boyfriend or girlfriend of a few months to a family Christmas. We've all got adult children and only when they'd been with someone for a year or so they were invited.

I'm a generation older than you and my dad died 4 years ago. I couldn't imagine my mum dating again, but if she ever did it would be terribly painful. At Christmas ( and other family occasions) we always toast and say a few words about my dad and I can't see we'll ever stop doing that.

As pp have said, what did this man do at Christmas all the years before meeting your mother? He can do the same again especially as it's only a few hours. Christmas is one day, I've spent a Christmas alone and it was fine, soon passed and then it's gone.

You don't have to tell your mum you think he's dodgy, but can't you say that you feel it's too soon for the children to have him there at Christmas. Also can't you say you're missing your dad and you don't feel comfortable with having him there at this time.

The most important thing is that you should not feel guilty for not hosting this almost stranger at Christmas. Your mum unwisely appears to be throwing everything at this relationship but in reality there's no telling at all whether such a short relationship will last.

magicstar1 · 21/10/2025 22:19

You know that old saying "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer"? I'd invite him so you can keep an eye out and see what he's like around everyone.
If you don't, you run the risk of your mother spending the day with him alone,

EchoedSilence · 21/10/2025 22:19

Don't be surprised if your mum spends the day with him instead.

SparklyCardigan · 21/10/2025 22:22

You don't like him, so don't invite him. I'm sure your mum will cope.

Emma6cat · 21/10/2025 22:28

If it was my mum I would ask her what she would like? Then go with it. You may not be happy with it, but better than upsetting your mum or alienating her. A lot of men that age dont have many friends, but does seem a bit odd that his kids dont bother much with him. I agree I would be cautious, but for the sake of your mum go with her wishes.

CharlieKirkRIP · 21/10/2025 22:31

Why can’t you get to know him before Christmas before making a final decision?

saraclara · 21/10/2025 22:32

I think the suggestion that your mum comes for the morning and the present opening, and them her bloke arrives for lunch is the best compromise.

If you say a straight no, she will probably feel that she should be with him, as he'd otherwise be alone.

arcticpandas · 21/10/2025 22:39

You don't sound awful @HappyFeet63. (Ought to change my user name to arcticfeet btw). Your mum met this guy yesterday (OK 3 months ago but still) and it's way too soon to be included in family holidays. Tell her that you and your family would like to get to know him better first and that he can come next year if he's around hope not

Chumpingtonquinces · 21/10/2025 23:09

I think you should listen to your gut instincts if you are worried you don’t know enough about him and his background to ensure your children’s complete safety. Presumably you would be busy cooking? In which case you will find it v hard to relax if worrying about a stranger in your home.
Maybe you should try to spend some alone time pre Christmas with your mum and find out more about him and why she likes him plus get to know him too but not with your children around if possible. I agree it’s strange if none of his children, family or old friends talk to him or want to be with him at Christmas.
He might just be someone with awkward body language, poor social skills or maybe it’s hard seeing your mum with someine who is not your dear dad?
You’re in such a tricky position OP I hope you can enjoy Christmas whatever you decide.

prelovedusername · 21/10/2025 23:14

I think it’s too soon to include him in your family Christmas, especially your children’s. It’s possible she will want to spend Christmas with him and will duck out of yours. As long as you don’t mind that, I’d say no, not this year.

Pollqueen · 21/10/2025 23:16

Isn't Christmas supposed to be a time of goodwill and extending generosity? I can't see a problem at all

You also run the risk of your mum choosing not to come to yours at all and spending the day with her new chap

oviraptor21 · 21/10/2025 23:18

Ponderingwindow · 21/10/2025 20:52

If it’s less than a year, I would just say it is too soon to include him in such a family-centric as the children may start to get attached. A few months really is a bit early for grandma’s boyfriend to be at Christmas.

If he is still around in 2026, then I think you need to extend an invitation to at least part of the day.

This.
You wouldn't potentially be introducing your new partner so soon to family gatherings so the same rule of thumb applies to new 'grandparents'.

Whatsthatsheila · 21/10/2025 23:21

HappyFeet63 · 21/10/2025 20:44

Posting for some genuine feedback from others

However I really don’t want him to come. I’d love my mum to come and then see him later.

I know this sounds awful!

argh! I just feel like a horrible person but also trying to balance my kids and husband and I being comfortable and relaxed on Christmas Day.

such a rant, and I know I sound
awful!

so AIBU to not have him?

@HappyFeet63

so people can be alone at Christmas - that’s kinda normal if they don’t want to impose/intrude on loved ones. So I think maybe yabu to assume he should have someone somewhere …

However … I also think you need to trust your gut instinct. Something about him feels off…. He’s distanced or perhaps even NC from his family/kids, he has a small social circle (if any) and you just don’t trust him around your kids.

claires law is totally the way to go here in terms to making sure that there’s nothing in his background that will unequivocally make the decision for you that he’s not welcome anywhere near your family.

If that’s all clear then listen to what your gut tells you until such time (if any)you are otherwise satisfied to start contact

and don’t let kids sleep at granny’s house til you are 100% comfortable you are on same page as DM that he’s not to be there also

BaconCheeses · 21/10/2025 23:34

I wouldn't invite or make it about them.

Visit DPs parents or plan a trip away that mysteriously gets cancelled and tell her after the event "so as not to upset her or ruin her plans with boyfriend".

fourelementary · 21/10/2025 23:37

Could you invite mum for the main part of the day and offer Colin to come in for a cuppa to pick her up later on? Best of both worlds.

caneatsomuch · 21/10/2025 23:42

Just invite him . Surely your relationship with your Mum trumps a few hours on Christmas Day…you can use the opportunity to get to know him.

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