Not inviting mums new partner for Christmas?

[HappyFeet63]

Posting for some genuine feedback from others

My dad died 3 years ago. Mum has now had a new partner for a good few months, things seem serious and she has hinted at me
inviting him for Christmas dinner at mine. They are local so no overnight stay, would be from lunchtime til early evening so not a long time, but obviously includes the main Christmas dinner etc and kids presents.

However I really don’t want him to come. I’d love my mum to come and then see him later.

I know this sounds awful!

I just get bad vibes from him, there’s nothing specific he’s done or said, but I just can’t trust him and feel he isn’t right for mum. I don’t like him being around my 3 kids who are all under 9, so still fairly young. I don’t want to have to be polite and on ceremony on Christmas Day with someone I’m not comfortable with.

argh! I just feel like a horrible person but also trying to balance my kids and husband and I being comfortable and relaxed on Christmas Day.

I find it a huge red flag that this man has 3 kids but none of them really speak much to him and certainly won’t spend Christmas with him, and he has no family/friends. This means he will otherwise be alone until he sees my mum, so I know how uncharitable this sounds. But surely this is a massive red flag that in 60
odd years on planet Earth he hasn’t maintained relationship enough with anyone to spend Christmas with otherwise!!! Generally think he has lots of red flags but my mum does seem happy with him, and is planning a future with him from what I can tell, so should I just suck it up?!

Ive not communicated this to my mum, except a slightly awkward chat alluding to this but with nothing explicit said🙈 I don’t want to hurt her - she and I have been so close until this man came around!

such a rant, and I know I sound
awful!

so AIBU to not have him?

I do understand what PP are saying and it might just be circumstances that he would be alone at Christmas but from what I thought OP implied it’s that he doesn’t have relationships with family/friends not just that they are not free on 25th

Support your mum. Let him come.
You don’t want to alienate them.

Or you could all go out for a christmas day dinner and meet there, that could be an option maybe? Zero pressure doing it that way.

What did he do on Christmas Day before he met your Mum?

Does he even want to come round your house for Xmas lunch if you clearly arent keen on him and are if you are going to be uptight about it?

I don't have much to say to my mum's partner but he's always welcome in my house if my mum's coming over.

On the subject of red flags you can do a Claire law request on behalf if your mum.

When I went out with young men my parents didn't approve of my mum would invite them to tea so I could see how awful they actually were. Perhaps you should allow your mother's new partner to reveal his true self. Alcohol often helps with that

My mum and I are brutally honest with each other and know each other well enough to know when the other isn’t keen on someone, so it would be a different conversation in our house. When you say ‘bad vibes’ is that because he seems creepy? Or a bit domineering? Because you could do a Clare’s Law request if you think something is amiss.

Is this your mum’s first relationship since your dad? Do you think that could be influencing your feelings?

I think that there’s every chance that she might not want to leave him on his own for Christmas. If you say no, and she’s local, you might find that she pops up in the morning and then goes off to see him. Are you ready for that possibility?

'I just can’t trust him and feel he isn’t right for mum. I don’t like him being around my 3 kids who are all under 9, so still fairly young.'

This is the bit of your post that jumped out at me. If what you're having is a gut feeling/reaction, then I would trust that over any politeness or inclusion. Your mum might not like it, but I would still listen to myself when it comes to my children.

YANBU but brace yourself for the possibility that your mother may decide to spend the day with him instead, if he’s going to be alone.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

This! Best response.

Because it seems quite obvious that the OP’s mum wants to spend quality time with this man as well as her family.

I think @jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple has a good idea. Give the kids a picnic lunch and send them off to play and really assess your feelings for this man. At least that way, you can tell your mum that you’ve really tried to like him but that you can’t pretend for a whole day.

Christmas is stressful enough without inviting a virtual stranger into your family around your DC’s. You know nothing about him yet.
For me it would be a no due to the potential for affecting your family dynamic and your kids enjoyment of Christmas Day. On top of that having a negative feeling about him wouldn’t sit well with me. Be honest with your mum and say it’s too soon but you want her there.

Difficult one. I’d need a bit more detail about the red flags. Not everyone has lots of friends. Are you sure none of the kids speak to him? As in no contact? Or is it just that he doesn’t see them that much but is cordial with them? It sounds like quite a strong reaction to him when you also say he’s not done or said anything.

I'd be breezy and say something like 'Maybe next year? If you're still together? Xmas day is stressful enough without having guests we don't really know around. I really need a chilled one this year.'

If she comes back with any emotional blackmail I'd meet her energy and put your foot down further.

It's your home OP - don't be guilted into accommodating people you don't want to on arguably the most important family day of the year.

If she chooses to spend it with him instead, that's on her.

I understand how crappy it feels to be pressured over Xmas, OP. I've had much pressure to invite Uncle's GF now they live together but she is a VERY tricky character who likes to needle people for a reaction and pretty much everyone in the family is miserable around her. Add to that that I don't think we should be footing the bill for feeding and watering an ever growing family to that extent and, well, I get how crap it feels to be the bad guy who says no BUT you have to prioritise everyone on Xmas, not just one or two.

If you don’t feel comfortable having him around your DC then it’s an easy decision.

from lunchtime til early evening so not a long time, but obviously includes the main Christmas dinner etc and kids presents

Don't know how you usually do your present giving but if I assume it is before the dinner, could you tell your Mum that 'kids presents' are close family only, so if she wants to join in that she comes in the morning and her friend joins you all for lunch. That would give you some time with her, and for her to be with dgc.

Alternatively she may want to be with her friend and they both come only for the lunch.

If you usually do kids presents after lunch then you can say that he is welcome for lunch, but he / they leave before the presents...

Would that work?

I think it depends on why you feel uncomfortable with him around your children and what the red flags are?

I'm all for supporting your mum and being careful not to provide opportunity for him to drive a wedge but not at the expense of having mu children around someone harmful on a busy day in their home. You could also suggest that you all do Xmas and then meet him out for a walk somewhere and then does your mum go on with him?

@jeremyclarksonsthirdnipple , has good advice: invite him soon and take his measure more accurately. But it might be easier if no one knows him so he'll be on his best behaviour ...

Re: Christmas
If your mum wants him there, why deny her? Surely she can manage her time so that she interacts with you and your children as well as enjoying having her new man on the scene. Are they really going to snog on the sofa...? And don't pull any punches on your part: if you all eat cheez puffs and drink babycham, pour him a glass. If you all wear green socks, give him a pair.

What makes you worry about having him around your DCs? Does he swear/make louche comments/grope your mum/pick his teeth/scroll his phone? Those would be serious faults with no excuses.

My lovely DDad routinely found himself alone for major 'family' holidays. Relatives on all sides made plans but somehow everyone assumed he'd be with other relatives so no one invited him. I've known other v. normal, harmless, single men who ended up alone because everyone assumed that someone else had invited Uncle YY but no one actually had ...

If you wouldn't mind having him round for Sunday lunch, I'm not sure why Christmas lunch/dinner is much different. Is it because he might be in the photos? Or the food is nicer?

People put such emphasis and expectation on Christmas (almost as much as 'Weddings') but Christ was explicitly for including everyone ... God bless us, every one (Tiny Tim; Dickens ...)

Hang on- do you feel uncomfortable with him being around your kids?

Our gut instinct is a strong sense and I would follow that regardless.

If they live locally can you compromise with her coming over to see the kids open their presents etc and then he comes over for dinner later? Say you're planning a morning in your pj's so don't want to have to get dressed up before lunchtime or something but he is welcome over later?

YANBU, definitely do not invite him, it will become expected every year.

If your mum chooses not to come, so be it. Prioritise your dc.

So judgemental.

I am 56, my family is spread far & wide, both internationally & nationally. Flights to NZ are beyond expensive for Christmas.

my family here, would 'have me' if I asked, but they all have their own families. I also can't travel to Newcastle or Devon as my health isn't great.

my local friends I'm really friends with one of the couple & would feel I was intruding.

i usually spend Christmas with someone I've known my whole life, but now her 4 kids are grown with partner/kids/in-laws it's a bit too much this year.

IF I'd started a relationship this year, it would be nice to spend Christmas with them, & if they wanted, their family.

As it is, I haven't & im happy to spend it alone, quietly enjoying it. It didn't make me some raging fucking red flag FFS.

@HappyFeet63 it's been a lot longer than 3 years & id still really struggle to see my Mum with someone else. I'd accept it because the 'companionship' 😂😂 would be good for her.

Maybe getting to know him a bit more might put your mind at rest or give you more to say to your mum that you're concerned about him/her.?!!

i think I'd be working on 'better to be 'involved' than shut out.

difficult 💕

I know what you mean. I’m feeling the same about my brother’s latest girlfriend. He has a new one every few months. I’d just have them over later for a couple of hours. Tell your mum you fancy a slow morning this year.

It depends what the red flags are. Not having anyone else to spend Xmas with is not a red flag; not everyone is lucky enough to have a close, loving family within reach at Xmas. I've volunteered at Xmas and you'd be astonished at how many lonely elderly people there are, through no fault of their own.

"Bad vibes" is not a red flag either. It's meaningless and makes me think you're scraping the barrel for something negative to say.

If you mean this man is controlling or creepy, out with it and say so. (If you don't think he's creepy it's disgraceful that you handwaved in the direction of paedophilia so that posters would pick up the subtext without actually meaning it.)

Also, your mum might well choose to spend the whole day with him rather than you if you make it clear he's not welcome.