Not inviting mums new partner for Christmas?

[HappyFeet63]

Posting for some genuine feedback from others

My dad died 3 years ago. Mum has now had a new partner for a good few months, things seem serious and she has hinted at me
inviting him for Christmas dinner at mine. They are local so no overnight stay, would be from lunchtime til early evening so not a long time, but obviously includes the main Christmas dinner etc and kids presents.

However I really don’t want him to come. I’d love my mum to come and then see him later.

I know this sounds awful!

I just get bad vibes from him, there’s nothing specific he’s done or said, but I just can’t trust him and feel he isn’t right for mum. I don’t like him being around my 3 kids who are all under 9, so still fairly young. I don’t want to have to be polite and on ceremony on Christmas Day with someone I’m not comfortable with.

argh! I just feel like a horrible person but also trying to balance my kids and husband and I being comfortable and relaxed on Christmas Day.

I find it a huge red flag that this man has 3 kids but none of them really speak much to him and certainly won’t spend Christmas with him, and he has no family/friends. This means he will otherwise be alone until he sees my mum, so I know how uncharitable this sounds. But surely this is a massive red flag that in 60
odd years on planet Earth he hasn’t maintained relationship enough with anyone to spend Christmas with otherwise!!! Generally think he has lots of red flags but my mum does seem happy with him, and is planning a future with him from what I can tell, so should I just suck it up?!

Ive not communicated this to my mum, except a slightly awkward chat alluding to this but with nothing explicit said🙈 I don’t want to hurt her - she and I have been so close until this man came around!

such a rant, and I know I sound
awful!

so AIBU to not have him?

Agree!

Sadly that's true, did some volunteer work at Christmas some years ago and it shocked me how common this is. There were also some women, even some with kids, whose children only saw one "side" of the family.
I will always tell my kids that if anything happens to me, I want them to welcome any new partners, as I want them to be happy.
Don't feel like you need to act any differently, if he's expecting it to be like a restaurant, get your mum to warn him it's a relaxed family event and he shouldn't expect to be treated like a king.

Are you willing for him to come for any of the day? Afternoon walk and a drink?

If so, I'd have a conversation with your mum about how its really important to you and the DC to have some part of xmas day with her on her own and suggest he comes for part of the day only. You could offer to catch up with them as a couple over another part of the xmas season if you have childcare and want to keep the DC away from him.

I think if you otherwise have a good relationship with your mum you should sit her down and say that you have serious concerns about her partner and that you don't want him anywhere near your children and you don't want to spend Christmas day with him.

i think I’d invite him. I know it’s hard as your dad isn’t long gone but it’s nice your mum has met someone. My mum is 72 and single a long time, I’d love her to find someone for the last part of her life.

i don’t think it’s nessessariky a red flag that his children don’t have him for Christmas. My brother and I would never have Christmas with my dad. We just always had it with our mother, even as kids as she had no other family. So it just became the norm. We do see him a few times a year, he’s not a bad person but that’s just how our relationship turned out. He has a partner now so not alone either.

If you are worried about your DCs it’s a Sarah’s Law application you need to make to the police detailing him and the DCs he would be in contact with, the police may disclose information to you.
Clare’s law is more focused on DV but if you make the application the police will contact the person at risk - your mum, not you if she needs to know something

OP I spent YEARS inviting my very problematic younger brother every Christmas Day, so he wouldn’t be alone, and bitterly regret it now my dd is a grown woman, he managed to ruin/taint every Christmas.
Put your children’s Christmas first.

It’s one Christmas dinner. Isn’t Christmas meant to be the season of good will ?
You would not be having him round for your benefit or his, but for your mums. Isn’t that good enough reason?

OP - you do realise that your Mom won’t be able to leave the man she is dating alone on Xmas?
And that you are being selfish making her chose between you and her partner.

You may not like that she moved on after your dad died. But it’s her life and she does not want to be alone. Maybe this guy is not right for her - but it’s up to her to decide it. And by doing what you are about to do - you are only pushing her in his direction more.

There is absolutely no reason to suspect he is in any way a threat to your kids. Just because his grown up kids are close to him? This is not even conjecture.i It’s you being unreasonable and inventing reasons to justify your irrationalityz

It's an invitation not a summons. Her mum can decline the invite but she can't hold OP to ransom and say she will only attend if her partner can come.

Why would OP even want to run after a man she doesn't even like on Christmas?!

OP is close to her Mom. She has been,
until the new guy came along.
It’s not different if it were a reverse situation.

Say OP had a new partner her mom didn't like , but OP felt the relationship has potential. Then OP’s mother tells her - he is not welcome at Xmas, knowing full well he doesn’t have anyone else to spend Xmas with.
What would MN say to such mother???
She’d be told that she needs to respect her daughter’s choice and not to put her daughter in a place where she had to chose between family/partner.
She’d also be told bot to jump to conclusions before taking time to get to know the man in question.

OP does not have to invite mom’s new partner, of course. But she must realise what she is doing to her mom and her relationship with her. OP is also being either jealous mom moved on; or patronising/controlling - thinking she knows better what het mom wants/needs from a relationship.

I think MN (or at least I) would say that these are all grown adults and can choose to spend Christmas how they want to. If OP's mum was hosting and didn't want to invite OP's partner because she got a bad vibe from him and didn't trust him, she would be told not to invite him.

The mum has her own home, she can spend Christmas with her partner this year.

Yes I was thinking something like this. Present opening is a more intimate family thing, so do it earlier and say she can come for that, then he joins you from lunchtime.

Invite him. It's difficult I have been in your position your mum deserves to be happy, she's just fine through the mist traumatic time. Isn't it lively to see smiling again? Contain your feelings , be mindful of hers invite them both

I’d bet your mum tolerated many things she’d rather not have, while rearing you. Think about it.

And watch things never be the same again. Their relationship might not recover, and all for nothing. The only thing OP needs to be sure of is safeguarding her children and that that is what she alludes to. There will be other people about, presumably.

But this bloke hasn’t even shown himself to be problematic or offensive yet? It’s not really the same situation as yours at this point I don’t think.

I think you are being hugely judgemental about his apparent lack of family or friends . People lose contact over the years for many reasons and without exploring why you should not judge . Inviting him or not is up to you .

Are you serious? Hardly a fair comparison. 🙄

I agree with this approach.

Absolutely, I was pointing out that I spent years trying to keep my brother happy, which negatively impacted my own child, and advising OP not to do the same, but to prioritise her children’s Christmas.

It's not really the point but I think it's quite easy not to have someone to spend Christmas Day with if you don't see your own children. People kind of cocoon themselves with family and I have single friends who really find the Christmas season hard because of this.
Maybe say to your mum that because you don't know this man well please could they limit their visit to between noon and 6 pm or something?

You're not being unreasonable. I would be very careful about using the 'it's too soon' explanation for not inviting him. It is too soon and that would be entirely valid, but that isn't your concern. You are having a reaction to this man and you should listen to it carefully. The feeling that you don't want him around your children may never change. Have you googled him? Do you know people who know him?

She doesn't want him to come, and your suggestion is that she just let's him come for 6 hours? Did you read the OP?

A lot of people are making undermining posts on this thread @HappyFeet63 . This inevitably happens on threads of this nature. If, in future, your feelings change towards him and you decide to do something different, that's fine. Do not ignore your gut on this.