To feel envious of friends who had DC in their 20s.

[Eastie77Returns]

I know there have been lots of threads about the merits of having children when you are young vs older and more established. I went to a class reunion recently and met up with a lot of old friends. I attended a school in a deprived part of East London and a lot of my friends had children quite young (early/mid-twenties). I remember feeling sorry for them as they were burdened with raising kids at such a young age but time has given me a different perspective.

At the reunion I noticed how many have so much free time now their DC are in their late teens/twenties whilst I’m still in the semi-trenches with my 10 and 12 year olds. I feel exhausted a lot and carving out time for myself is tricky although I’m extremely fortunate to have a flexible job and WFH. When I mentioned I had to leave the reunion party as I had the school run the following day with my younger child, a few friends chuckled and said they could barely remember doing that. It did make me feel envious. Also many of them had parents to help raise their DC whereas mine were both quite elderly when DC came along and have both died. One of my friends who had 3 kids by the time she was 28 pointed out that I’m have a well paid job with my own home whereas she is on a low income and renting because she never got a career of the ground. I understand that point but part of me feels I might still have been able to get a good job if I’d had my kids at 20 something rather than a decade later.

I had a great time in my 20s/early 30s as I travelled, lived abroad etc but my friends are now able to live that live in their 40s whilst I’ve got another 8 years until both kids are ‘adults’ and of course I know that I’ll probably still be supporting them beyond that whether that’s with uni or something else. I wouldn’t exactly want to change my past but I do still wonder “what if”?

Does anyone else who had kids mid-30s onwards feel the same?

It is what it is I had my kids in my 30,s because I didn't meet my dh, until I was 31 and I had a ball during my 20,s I.wouldnt have wanted to be stuck in with small children but each to their own.

Well everyone does things at different ages.

You had more free time in your twenties, than they did

Yes I often feel the same. I wish I had had children much younger as I don't feel like I have the energy or patience to deal with them now. One friend actually had a child at 18. She now has a better job than me as I took time out now to have children whereas once her child started school she was able to retrain and move up the career ladder without maternity leave or worries of nursery costs.

No, I think the complete opposite. I had DS, by choice, just before I turned 40, and I wouldn’t have traded my free, childfree 20s and 30s for anything. I also think it was far easier to have a child when senior enough to be very flexible at work, and to have no financial worries, and to be happy to take a step back from travelling etc and enjoy a quieter life for a while — because I’d already had a lot of fun, and wasn’t having any kind of FOMO.

I also went to a school in a very deprived area (I was as poor as any of them), and though I’ve never gone to a reunion, I’m pretty sure from seeing on the street a few familiar faces if I visit my parents that those who had their children young have had lives tougher than mine.

I was 21 but I was so young I often wished I was older. Wouldn’t change it obviously I love my kids

All of my friends went to uni and I was very lonely and ended up with no friends for years and they are all still close because they have shared life experiences, and mine completely veered off differently age 20/21. My main friendship group dumped me when I wasn’t available for nights out and it’s hard to maintain friendships with people at different stages of life to you

I did not have a good job for many years as I had to work around school pick ups just like everyone else does but I had limited work experience

i do not want my kids to follow in my path and do the same. Being a parent in your 30’s is better

I had never been on an adult only holiday till I was nearly 40!

It’s swings and roundabouts, isn’t it? I’m 41 with 17 and 13 year olds and I must admit I’m looking forward to reclaiming more of my own time (and energy, probably!) in my mid to late 40’s. However the compromise for me was I didn’t have a university education or develop a successful career and sometimes I feel I “missed out” on that whilst I was young.

Relate to this. Had dc in my late 30s. Like pp I didnt meet their dad until later in life so not much choice really but I would have preferred to have had them at least 5 years earlier. I do think that its easy to forget what a good time (and the freedom) we had in our 20s though. And your classmates will never really get those partying years back, its a different stage of life that they have freedom in if that makes sense. I try to remember that. And be grateful that we met dp and had dc at all, for a while in my 30s I wasn't sure it would happen for me and im so glad it did.

Each to their own.

I had my ds in my mid 40s. I spent my 20s and 30s travelling the world, developing my career. By the time I had ds I'd paid off my mortgage. I had a home, a secure career, and, flukily, an easy baby.

Now I'm 62, doing the round of universities and having a great time. We each make our choices. 😊

Both my SILs had kids straight after Uni, as a result both are now parents to adult children while we’re wrangling teens, but DH and I (kids early 30s) own a house (they rent) have decent pensions and relative financial security.

They might be “free” of kids in their 50s but they haven’t got the money to enjoy it properly!

Obviously there are other causes to that than just having kids early, but I think it is a key one.

Well, I'm the idiot who had kids at 20 and 22, then decided to have another one at nearly 40...

Do you feel two different versions of you did those two stints of parenting?

I think, with kindness, yabu to be seriously envious. As pps have said, you had your twenties to have free time and late nights etc. I wouldn't really want to do those things now I'm in my 40s.

My best friend is 40 and TTC at the moment. Not out of choice, she just never met anyone she liked enough to have a family with who also felt the same about her, until now.

What choice did she have except wait or do it completely on her own which emotionally and financially would be very hard? I know it happens, but choosing it is different and quite different to even coparenting with an ex or something.

Some people are never happy, don't want the hassle while you're young or the hassle in your 40's.
We can't have it all.

You had your free time in your 20s when they didn’t. You are seeing what their lives are like now their children are grown up but not what it was like when they had young children.

I had my DC mid 20s but either way has pros and cons.

Comparison is the thief of joy

You really can’t compare your path to others!

No matter what age you have children there are pros and cons…

Someones perfect age to have kids may be different to yours, not to mention some times it’s out of your hands (infertility, loss, not meeting the right person)

You don’t know how your old friends feel, having children in your 20’s comes with its own challenges. Your friend is very blessed to have 3 kids by 28 but I can imagine that was hard for her. There may have been times where she felt like she was missing out on travelling or socially.

I think hindsight is a thing but you’ll never know what your life would have looked like then.

You are so lucky to have 2 gorgeous kids, to have lived in your 20’s and early 30’s what an opportunity to live abroad.

Feel blessed!

I’m the opposite as had my dc in my 20’s and had bought a flat prior, friends laughed at me scrimping to pay my mortgage as they took mini breaks on the new low cost airlines, they laughed at me moaning about sleepless nights with my dc but now I have the last laugh because my dc have left home, more mortgage is paid off and I’m quitting work for good at 55, jealous is an understatement. They had more fun in their 20’s whereas I’m planning a gap year, well years in my 50’s

positives and negatives for both, I had children early/mid twenties and I never had the opportunity to build a career and save money, I’m stuck renting and probably never buy. I’m envious of women that have a decent career and able to buy a property before having children. But on the other hand by the time I’m early to mid forties my children will be adults but then I missed out on enjoying my twenties when I had the energy to want to travel and have fun and me time.

I’m in the middle and not sure I have or will benefit either way.

kids at 30ish. Too skint to travel and “live the life” beforehand although was able to jointly buy a house with husband and have a holiday every other year. Career ok not amazing. Now in 40s and knackered, career better, kids not going anywhere for another 6 years (uni), and paying for holidays with 4 “adults” and a CoL is crippling. Maybe in ten years we’ll be kid-free in terms of costs (uni/housing etc) but I can foresee the health issues on the horizon that could well sap the fun out of our later years.

I wonder whether kids in your 20s or 40s gives you a good run of time one way or the other, but kids around 30 doesn’t? Probably no ‘ideal’ way so make the most of what you’ve got.

Sometimes I wish I had more energy to give to my toddler as a younger mum but I spent my 20s and half my 30s exploring the world and pushing myself and really not wanting children until my 30s. Because I had that, I’m really happy to focus on my daughter now and not feel that I’m missing out on anything.

Everyone does their time, I get the envy now but its just a grass is greener now moment, YABU to think they had it easier. However hard it is at 40 or whatever to see friends not doing school runs it was a million times harder to be 25 and have no life. Also while those with older kids don't do bedtimes or homework any more they are still parents often living with young adults, they still live with all the stresses of that. Your child free years were actually carefree, its not fully comparable to someone who can have a lie in on Sunday but still needs to cook for a family of 5 and share their living space, not to mention the ongoing worry and headspace that parenting a teen or young adult brings. Also as an older parent mixing with younger ones, you know at least they get it, because they have been there, you can still share your thoughts and struggles, whereas when they were in the trenches you probably didn't give a shit. They probably learned not to bother telling you what was going on, not saying you are not a good friend but it's a fairly universal fact that friends of young mothers are oblivious to the hardship.

I got married at 18, and had my daughter she I was 20, and my son when I was 21.

It was hard at the time. Low wages and no top ups etc, but we survived.

But, I did manage to sort out a new career pretty early which served me well. 👍

@Eastie77Returns comparison is the thief of joy.
Yes having children when in your 20s means you have more energy and avoids the class of hormones that comes with your childs teenage years and your menopause and doesn't necessarily mean that you wont have a career or owning your own home. But its much harder to get on the career path you want or saving for a house deposit, you also dont have the life experiences and sometimes haven't really finished growing up yourself before becoming a parent.
You have an established career, a stable home, life experiences and will still be able to travel and have "fun" again soon enough.
What I'm trying to say is there's pros and cons to having children both as a younger or older mum

I had three DC by 28
i am now 49, am (what I consider as) at the top of my career, own a large and lovely home. Great relationship with DP (their Dad) and lots of holidays!
we travelled a lot with our children when they were young, and I went to Uni for degree and masters when they were tots which was ideal.
so - it’s not necessarily that having kids young means not having career and security when older.
BUT I really empathise with a pp - I had very few friends with young children when mine were little. I often felt lonely, or I was in groups with older parents- all good and made some lovely friends but never quite felt I could be ‘me’.
pp are right, there will always be sacrifices with having children, whatever age and stage we do it at, there will always be some challenges or negatives.

I do sometimes wish we had started a little earlier (I had our first at 33 and am pregnant with our 2nd now at 37), mainly because my DH is older than me so I don't know what life will look like when the children (all being well with this 2nd pregnancy) are old enough for us to start doing more major things for ourselves again without them (holidays etc). He will be in his late 60s. It just wasn't possible for us earlier really for various reasons.

I do think it's nice when I see couples in their 50s meeting up with adult children for dinner or something, when they are still fairly young themselves, still working, and not yet grandparents. I think parents still being busy and working takes some pressure off the children as well to constantly visit/be near and spend time with them while they're trying to establish their own lives and careers, or travelling or whatever.

However, I don't think I would exchange the freedom and fun of my 20s for it - trips with friends, nights out, holidays with DH, seeing shows and gigs...I think it's just one of those things where at the time I would never have wanted babies so early, but looking back now and enjoying being a mother, I sometimes think ah it would have been OK, we wouldn't have been so old when they're grown-up, would get more time with potential grandchildren etc. But the reality is I'd have been highly unlikely to go through with a pregnancy during those years so it's not really an accurate comparison.

So I can understand being a bit envious, but ultimately it isn't the right thing for everyone to have children in their 20s.

I get you, OP. I wish I had them sooner, but life isn't ideal in many ways. It used to be the done thing to have children in your 20s, hence why (at least I think) 35+ is considered geriatric. But society has changed massively. It took me years of trying, failing and recurrent loss before I got pregnant with my first (19 weeks along now, so could still lose this one). I got so blessed this year as I got my mortgage all paid off earlier this year, so now the money that would have gone on the mortgage can now go on other things, like baby. You also don't know how long it'll take, some take years, some just aren't that lucky and never get there, some are successful on the very first attempt, so it's usually best to get cracking sooner rather than later, only if you can of course. There's no right time, really.