To feel envious of friends who had DC in their 20s.

[Eastie77Returns]

I know there have been lots of threads about the merits of having children when you are young vs older and more established. I went to a class reunion recently and met up with a lot of old friends. I attended a school in a deprived part of East London and a lot of my friends had children quite young (early/mid-twenties). I remember feeling sorry for them as they were burdened with raising kids at such a young age but time has given me a different perspective.

At the reunion I noticed how many have so much free time now their DC are in their late teens/twenties whilst I’m still in the semi-trenches with my 10 and 12 year olds. I feel exhausted a lot and carving out time for myself is tricky although I’m extremely fortunate to have a flexible job and WFH. When I mentioned I had to leave the reunion party as I had the school run the following day with my younger child, a few friends chuckled and said they could barely remember doing that. It did make me feel envious. Also many of them had parents to help raise their DC whereas mine were both quite elderly when DC came along and have both died. One of my friends who had 3 kids by the time she was 28 pointed out that I’m have a well paid job with my own home whereas she is on a low income and renting because she never got a career of the ground. I understand that point but part of me feels I might still have been able to get a good job if I’d had my kids at 20 something rather than a decade later.

I had a great time in my 20s/early 30s as I travelled, lived abroad etc but my friends are now able to live that live in their 40s whilst I’ve got another 8 years until both kids are ‘adults’ and of course I know that I’ll probably still be supporting them beyond that whether that’s with uni or something else. I wouldn’t exactly want to change my past but I do still wonder “what if”?

Does anyone else who had kids mid-30s onwards feel the same?

we have no idea though how your GGran fared, her thoughts and experience on having twins at 47

True

I wouldn’t have given up my free and easy 20s/30s for anything. I think unless you absolutely ache to be a parent, then the best time to have kids is very young or quite late. I was 6 weeks shy of 40 having DD and for me it was absolutely fine. She’s 12 now, I’m 52 and I don’t feel remotely in the trenches any more. A good friend had her DD at 18, is now 35 and her DD is almost an adult.

As an older mum I didn’t feel knackered, I had plenty of energy and generally it was fine. Although granted I had nothing to compare it to and DD was quite an easy baby (she’s a bloody nightmare pre-teen though 🤣🤣)

I had DC young and for me the main positive is that it increases the years I will spend with them. Mine are in their 30's now and if I'd had them say late 30's/early 40's, I'd be in my 70's when they reached that age but I'm actually still only mid 50s.

When I had my DC, my friends weren't off to University and travelling the world. They were working in minimum wage jobs and living in bedsits. My life would have been similar. And it's not like I couldn't still have nights out sometimes, there is such a thing as baby sitters! I had absolutely tons of energy so I didn't find raising them hard work at all.

I had 2 DC in quick succession (18mths apart) and then no more. So I was able to study, have a career etc, just a bit later than some other people. My youngest was 18 when I was 39. I had a great time in my 40s! I started peri around 49 and it's been tough. I would have hated to have to parent tweens/teens at the same time.

Of course it hasn't always been easy but I have zero regrets. I wouldn't change it.

I had my DD at 26 and my DS at 28. I’m nearly 40 now and very glad I had them early - I feel like it means I have more time with them hopefully. Also I’m on my last year of primary school with its school runs and dressing up days etc - I wouldn’t like to have all that ahead 😅. It hasn’t impacted travel - we moved abroad when they were little and just took them with us to amazing places - Vietnam, trekking in Borneo, a tour of Thailand, Australia etc - it was fun for them too.

the only downside is I’m a little behind in my career as I was only 1 year in when DD was born - so I’m behind some of my peers career wise but I’m doubling down on that now and should make good progress within the next 5 years.

I had my two at 23 and 25. At that age I still had the stamina it took to raise two babies. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

My son was born in my late 30s. I would have liked to have had several children in my early 30s but nature didn't let that happen.
The advantage of having my son later was that I was unable to return to work due to his disability and we had longer to build up savings before he was born.

I had my first at 19 and am quite senior in my career now. I'm now early 30s and a lot of my friends are having their first babies or have toddlers and I wouldn't change anything. The idea of night feeds etc now is horrifying!

Yeah my 12 year old is now at point where she’s a lot happier with her friends than being with me and she actively doesn’t want me and DP around at times. She’s suddenly developed into this independent kid since starting secondary school and it’s taken me a bit by surprise. It feels like the years are speeding by now so I can see an end to the trenches.

DS is 10 and still happy to give kisses and hugs so making the most of it while it lasts!

Agree about the seniority at work. I’m 20+ years into a career in Tech and it’s so much easier for me now to arrange my work around what suits me as I have the seniority and tenure to delegate or push back on things that don’t work for me. I’m not impressed by new initiatives at work as I’ve seen so many flash in the pan ideas come and go. Ditto dickhead colleagues and managers, I just smile and nod then switch of Teams and go about my day. A massive advantage of approaching my late 40s is that I genuinely don’t care what people think of me anymore😂

Not everyone makes choices. Some women meet Mr Right later on in life. And also, when we're young, we don't know how we'll feel about the things we did and didn't do in our 20s.