To feel envious of friends who had DC in their 20s.

[Eastie77Returns]

I know there have been lots of threads about the merits of having children when you are young vs older and more established. I went to a class reunion recently and met up with a lot of old friends. I attended a school in a deprived part of East London and a lot of my friends had children quite young (early/mid-twenties). I remember feeling sorry for them as they were burdened with raising kids at such a young age but time has given me a different perspective.

At the reunion I noticed how many have so much free time now their DC are in their late teens/twenties whilst I’m still in the semi-trenches with my 10 and 12 year olds. I feel exhausted a lot and carving out time for myself is tricky although I’m extremely fortunate to have a flexible job and WFH. When I mentioned I had to leave the reunion party as I had the school run the following day with my younger child, a few friends chuckled and said they could barely remember doing that. It did make me feel envious. Also many of them had parents to help raise their DC whereas mine were both quite elderly when DC came along and have both died. One of my friends who had 3 kids by the time she was 28 pointed out that I’m have a well paid job with my own home whereas she is on a low income and renting because she never got a career of the ground. I understand that point but part of me feels I might still have been able to get a good job if I’d had my kids at 20 something rather than a decade later.

I had a great time in my 20s/early 30s as I travelled, lived abroad etc but my friends are now able to live that live in their 40s whilst I’ve got another 8 years until both kids are ‘adults’ and of course I know that I’ll probably still be supporting them beyond that whether that’s with uni or something else. I wouldn’t exactly want to change my past but I do still wonder “what if”?

Does anyone else who had kids mid-30s onwards feel the same?

I think the sweet spot is having kids late 20s- early 30s.
means you have had a few years of living the fun young life, travelling, partying, putting in all the hours at work to get your career going etc. still young enough that pregnancy and little kids isnt too exhausting. Kids all grown up by yhe time you are 50 so you still have some good years whilst earning a decent amount so freedom do to more luxurious travel etc and parents are hopefully not yet old enough to need intensive care.

Me and husband did lots of nice holidays and frivolous things in our 20s and early 30s. Now got a toddler in late 30s. We are loving it. Yes it’s abit tiring bur certainly don’t feel we’re missing out on anything. There’s pros and cons to both. We had fertility issues that we prob wouldn’t have had if we’d started earlier but it all worked out which way e are so thankful for.

The absolute only reason I wish I’d had kids in my 20’s is that I will have less time with them in this world now.

I didn’t want kids when I was in my 20’s. I had a fucking blast building a solid career, travelling and being very lucky on the property ladder. But I do wish I’d been able to conceive earlier in my 30’s.

I married when I was 21, but didn’t have kids until I was 32. We struggled with fertility issues and IVF, and my second child came naturally at 35. I took some time off to focus on starting a family and have been a stay-at-home mum ever since.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have concentrated more on my career, but honestly, I was so focused on having a family that I wouldn’t have changed that. Now my youngest is starting nursery and I’m facing the reality of starting over job-wise. My eldest has SEN, and we’re in the middle of the EHCP process, which adds another layer of complexity.

I definitely feel the need for energy I don’t always have! Childcare is a challenge with a child with SEN, but I do want to work. I have no family who can help with childcare. At the same time, I feel really grateful I have two wonderful kids, and that makes everything worthwhile.

Me too. First at 26, second at 40.

I don't feel either has really held me back. I'm much more physically tired this time round, but otherwise feel I'm in a much better position.

It's chaotic and a knackering, but I secretly quite enjoy that and chuffed I get to do it all again.

If I had to choose I think I'd have preferred to have them both later rather than earlier. Not so I could do more fun stuff earlier on (I did plenty of that), but because it's easier to be a parent in a more stable stage of life, and I feel I'm kind of over the desire to travel and go out boozing. I like family time and feel content, but also tired.

I met a lovely lady at my antenatal class - most of is were early or mid 30s having our first babies due to the area, she was very early 40s. Her first too though, I assumed... nope, surprise fourth baby, her older children were all close in age mid to late teens (all same dad, her DH). They'd got married straight after uni and deliberately started their family in their mid 20s and been actively planning finances for early retirement and travelling in their early 50s, when the children should all have been independent adults in their 20s.

Oops.

You can't always plan these things (obviously they could have decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy, or been sterilised, although that's not always easy to get done, but they hadn't and were starting again almost...).

I was 16 when I had my DS. Then I had my DD’s at 29 and 32 respectively. It’s really fucking hard whatever age you do it, but it’s harder when you’re younger. I didn’t get my teens or my twenties to myself, and now I won’t my thirties either. I don’t regret it necessarily…. but I know I’ve not made it easy for myself really. I managed to do a degree when I was in my early twenties, but I’ve never used it. I’m lucky because I’m a SAHM and my DH has done very well for himself, but I do wish I could have had a career and lived a little bit more rather than just always being a mum.

It is what it is.

I had mine mid 30s as that’s when I met DH. So I couldn’t really have done it differently.

Some people have kids really young and it doesn’t go well. But some really make a go of it and yes, I am envious of them.

One acquaintance of mine had a kid straight from uni. Not sure if it was planned, I get the impression it wasn’t. Then had another one soon after. Then started working and climbing the corporate ladder rapidly.

Shes now mid to late 40s and her eldest daughter has had a baby so she is a very young gran. Very high up in her job so has a lot of flexibility to do babysitting two days per week (saving her daughter a fortune in childcare costs) and the family just generally seem to “have it all”. Her mother is still only in her late 60s so also helps out with the baby (her great granddaughter).

But I guess there’s more to it than that. She is obviously just the type of person who was always going to be successful. Her husband has also always been very dependable and a big part of their joint success.

But I also know a lot of people who have had kids young and haven’t managed to have a career and who’s partners haven’t stood by them etc.

so you really can’t compare. It’s not that straightforward.

It's impossible to have everything. Whatever you do, something has to give somewhere.

I've never questioned the way I did things because it was what wax right for me and I'm still happy with that choice.

We spread our 3 kids out but we started mid-twenties and have finished by the time we were turning 30.

There's pros and cons. Most of our similar aged friends and family members don't have children so we can 'compare' ourselves to them. Generally we are the poorest/least disposable income, have the smallest, messiest, dirtiest house in the poorest state of repair, spend the least time together as a couple with obviously way the least dates etc, have the least hobbies/personal time (mixture of both no time, energy nor money), never travel abroad anymore (money and logistics), I have one of the poorest paying jobs even though I graduated with a first class degree and so on. We have very limited family support even though the kids GPs are all young - DH went NC with one (abuse), another went NC with him and then died, another became disabled by cancer, and the remaining one still works more than full time. Siblings and friends etc all work or have their own kids or don't feel confident to help with kids or it's just not on their radar at all as they're busy enjoying themselves (rightly so).

Do I regret our decisions, no, there are positives too. But I'm just pointing out the negatives cos you have a "grass is greener" feeling at the moment and it often really isn't!

This 100%

Nah I was genuinely free in my 20s had a ball. Even if I had older kids now I still wouldnt actually be free to do as I please like I could in my 20s

Oh well. They’ve been through the same struggle you’re going through, with a bunch of peers who have no idea how hard it is. At least you’ve got friends who went before you. You’ll be out of the trenches soon, like they are.

I feel quite fortunate in that I was able to complete university, travel, develop my career, become mortgage free and still have my children young (21 and 27). I definitely condensed this time and sometimes wonder if it would've been nice to live more of my life "care-free"...

But then I remember I just used to get into trouble and suffered terrible hangovers, so alas - I am happy with my choices!

The downsides are definitely what some other PPs have mentioned though, the early years (especially with DC1) could be quite lonely as my friends were off doing the typical things that 20 off year olds do... It did allow me to focus and succeed, though.

I had mine very late. I know plenty of mums with kids the same age as mine who are 20 years younger than me. I don't think there's a wrong or right way to do it. Do I wish I'd had mine younger? Absolutely but only by about 7 years. My biggest regret is that I won't get as many years with my kids as all these younger mums but I just wasn't ready for kids till I was about 35. Started trying at 37and had my first at 42.

Swings and roundabouts op. I’m 41 with a 24 year old and a 9 year old and a grannie too. There’s no perfect age to have kids but I am grateful to still be young and active for grandkids

I'm happy with my choices, but there's a trade off whatever you do.

I spent my mid 20s onwards with children, I'm starting to see the wood for the trees now they're 15 & 16. The expensive time is yet to come! But I'm also very aware of how quickly this time is passing.

I don't have a fabulous well paid career, but I do have a job I enjoy that pays peanuts. My "mum" friends with children the same age range from mid 30s to early 50s, with a proper mix of jobs and careers.

What I do like is that my parents were young grandparents in their 50s, and are still around and relatively active.

Whatever you do you’ll have what ifs

20s - what if I’d been older and had more ‘me’ time…
Early 30s - I had some ‘me time’ but not enough, and I’m still not even a young parent
Late 30s/40s - I had a lot of me time but feel like an old mum…

Etc

I was mid 20s, I think early 30s would’ve better suited my life trajectory as I’m still not done with some work and life milestones I should’ve got out the way first. Doing them alongside DC has been super stressful. That said if you’ve finished your professional qualifications, got married, own a house and can drive, then late 20s is a great age physically

I had my one and only dc at 28. I feel this was a great age for me. Had been to uni twice, under grad and masters, travelled a lot, lived in another country, partied etc. dc is now 14. I went back to do a doctorate when dd was 3, so my career continued. I’ve got a well paid and flexible job. Lots of free time, have travelled a lot with dc and Dh. Mortgage free. If dd goes off to uni in 4 years Dh and I are going to spend a lot of time in my fav location in southern Europe for several months a year. I can work anywhere in the world.

my two sisters had their first dc very young- 17 and 21. They are both doing amazing. Both went to uni. Bought houses at 23/24, married dc’s dad, and both have great careers and husbands. Their oldest as are now in uni. It was hard when kids were younger but it’s all worked out and they’re very glad they had their dc young. Swings and round abouts.

It depends, I had my kids in my late 20's and I am on easy street now. I guess I did miss out on holidays etc when I was younger but I have fantastic holidays now.
My sister had her kids at 43 and 44, she is still doing the school run in her 50's. My niece was upset because her school friends thought my sister was her granny. My sister DOES NOT look old I might add, she looks great. She is always tired though and finds the going tough sometimes trying to keep up with young kids. She says she wishes she has her kids earlier but she didn't meet my BIL until she was 40. I think fate has a lot to do with the age people have kids. Yes there will be people who actively choose to wait till they are much older but there are those who don't actually get the chance until later life.

Personally, for me, I am glad I did it the way it turned out for me. I honestly would not have the energy for small kids full time at this age and I am glad that if, hopefully, I have grandkids that I am young enough to lend a hand. My parents are too old now to help my sister so I help as much as I can when I am not in work.

I think you could also easily find someone dissatisfied with having children in their 20s wishing they'd had them later. You've said it yourself, you've had lots of time to travel and you have a good career. If you'd done it in your 20s you'd be behind in your career and never would have had the chance to travel.

Definitely pros and cons to both!
I had both my children by 23. I’m 33 now, one is at the start of secondary school and the other in year 5. We definitely feel very ‘free’ as a family now and I don’t envy friends the same age who are in the trenches of screaming babies and toddlers. But then of course I’m forgetting the fact they had all the fun and freedom throughout their 20s I missed out on.
Also I’m the only one of my long-time friends to do it that way. Sometimes we meet for lunch and even though I get to sit there in peace whilst they are juggling their small ones and still trying to drink coffee before it goes cold, I feel a bit envious that they’re all doing it together at the same time. I would have loved that sort of support network. I’m the odd one out and it’s a bit lonely, even now.

It really depends on your circumstances, but I honestly couldn’t have imagined having a child in my 20s! I had my daughter at 32, and it felt like the perfect age - I had a stable relationship, a good job, and a mortgage. I’d spent my twenties travelling (and partying!) and wouldn’t trade those years for anything. Having a child in your twenties can make you grow up quickly, which can be great for some, but I always felt there’s plenty of time for that later. My twenties were about making mistakes, learning from them, and figuring out who I was. That said, I also love that by the time I’m 50, my daughter will be 19, and my husband and I will have that freedom again. I can’t imagine still being in the thick of parenting at that age, early 30s were definitely ideal for me.

I do feel you, OP, but there are so many things I can do for my DD(3) now, that I could never have provided her when I was in my early/mid twenties.
From serious things like a stable, comfortable home and a job that allows me flexible working, to just silly, frivolous things like having enough disposable cash to say yes to punnets of strawberries, blueberries etc. in M&S.
A lot of my friends have kids in secondary school now, and we joke about all of us having to deal with ego and moodiness (Threenager Vs Teenager!)
Having kids sooner Vs later each have huge lists of pros and cons and we just have to roll with the path we've each chosen/been given.
I struggled with infertility for five years which slowed things down a bit, but on balance I am glad I'm a slightly older mum. I'm much nicer now than I was in my 20s, even if I feel the occasional sleepless night more!

I actually feel the opposite, though I can see pros and cons to both sides. I had my DD at 38. I always wanted children younger, but I met my partner later in life. But it has worked out well. I was able to enjoy my 20s and most of my 30s with no responsibilities — I travelled a lot, went out lots, and really made the most of that time. It was brilliant.

Now that I’m in my 40s, I’m much happier curled up under a blanket watching Strictly with a hot chocolate in hand. I still have hobbies and love going on holidays, but it just feels different doing those things in my 40s compared to when I was younger. I feel happy now settled-down and focusing on family life. So this time feels brilliant too.

We’re also lucky not to have a mortgage anymore, so I can work part-time and term-time without the stress of juggling childcare — something I’m really grateful for.

The only thing which makes me sad is that my DD won't have me around for as long as she would had if I had her younger. But, hopefully, I can be the best mum I can be for as long as I am around.