To feel envious of friends who had DC in their 20s.

[Eastie77Returns]

I know there have been lots of threads about the merits of having children when you are young vs older and more established. I went to a class reunion recently and met up with a lot of old friends. I attended a school in a deprived part of East London and a lot of my friends had children quite young (early/mid-twenties). I remember feeling sorry for them as they were burdened with raising kids at such a young age but time has given me a different perspective.

At the reunion I noticed how many have so much free time now their DC are in their late teens/twenties whilst I’m still in the semi-trenches with my 10 and 12 year olds. I feel exhausted a lot and carving out time for myself is tricky although I’m extremely fortunate to have a flexible job and WFH. When I mentioned I had to leave the reunion party as I had the school run the following day with my younger child, a few friends chuckled and said they could barely remember doing that. It did make me feel envious. Also many of them had parents to help raise their DC whereas mine were both quite elderly when DC came along and have both died. One of my friends who had 3 kids by the time she was 28 pointed out that I’m have a well paid job with my own home whereas she is on a low income and renting because she never got a career of the ground. I understand that point but part of me feels I might still have been able to get a good job if I’d had my kids at 20 something rather than a decade later.

I had a great time in my 20s/early 30s as I travelled, lived abroad etc but my friends are now able to live that live in their 40s whilst I’ve got another 8 years until both kids are ‘adults’ and of course I know that I’ll probably still be supporting them beyond that whether that’s with uni or something else. I wouldn’t exactly want to change my past but I do still wonder “what if”?

Does anyone else who had kids mid-30s onwards feel the same?

exactly! I cannot think of anything worst to be a "young" grandmother 😂

Plenty time for that later, when I am interested in baking and gardening, but I am still way too young for that

I would have been a shit mother in my 20s, I had not done enough to happily put my life "on hold" and concentrate on the kids. I wouldn't have had the money to leave them every couple of months or so to go away for the weekend without them either 😂

I'm in the middle I had kids at 26 and 33, had some holidays and partying before and had a mortgage before having kids. I don't envy anyone having kids in there late 30s and 40s. My kids are 13 and 7 and Im bloody tired at 40 but my elder can now babysit for a short time so we are able to go out more now. Having a baby at this age absolutely no way and being 50+ with a teen again no way! I have friends who had kids at 20 and have more freedom now which is lovely for them but they don't own thier own home and won't have anything to leave their kids. As pp say comparison is the thief of joy. I have friends who can't have kids so we shouldn't be complaining.

I didn’t have my DD until I was in my 40s and that was fine with me. My 20s and 30s were full of travel, working overseas, dating inappropriate people and generally having fun! By the time I had my DD, I’d done everything I wanted to do and was ready to be a mum. I had a good job, my own house and was financially secure. I also have tons more patience! I wouldn’t have made a good young mum!

I get this - I had a chaotic upbringing and often think if I had had kids first I could have learned a lot from them and being stable for them when I had energy in my youth. I also think I'd have been better at helping with school work as my brain feels like it flatlined at 42 and I now struggle to remember anything whereas in my 20/30s I remembered every subject fairly precisely. DD has GCSE's soon and I can't help her as much as I could have 10/15 years ago. I think having kids around 23-26 would have been ideal really. Enough time to work in at least one boring job and realise I should think about retraining. I'd then decide what I really wanted to do and go to uni and study harder for something I wanted to do rather than what my family did.

I had my younger and honestly if I’d of waited till I was 30 I don’t think I’d of had any.

Im too selfish, to say in that other life being care free home owners traveling the world to wiping bottoms and sleepless nights no thank you.

Even now I wouldn’t have anymore as my youngest is gearing up to leave primary oldest has finished secondary again I wouldn’t go back to babies. So much work.

Im definitely enjoying them becoming older and more independent and don’t envy those in our friend group only just starting out. Very much awww cute baby now take it back 😅

I had my first at 18, then two more much later. I've enjoyed parenthood far more as an older parent. It entirely depends on your circumstances.

Who said anything about 'sleeping around' ?

Or 'pissed up' for that matter?

No one im just adding to it not every one wants to party.

Unlit you hit your 30s and dont care what anyone says lol.

They had children in their 20s and are having fun now.

You had fun and travelled in your 20s and had children later.

I can't really see the difference. If you'd had children in your 20s, you wouldn't have had the experiences you did.

It doesn't matter how old you are when you have children, you still spend the same amount of time with dependent children.

There are pros and cons to both. I do wonder when people express this attitude, whether they feel it was the 'better' more virtuous decision to have children older and they expected to reap additional benefits. Because that's really not how it works.

I think it depends on how you use your time. Like if you had kids a bit older but spent your 20s getting a degree a solid work experience or building a stable relationship, then thats obviously a good thing. But If you spent your 20s partying and hanging around, however and you're the type who would have pulled themselves together if they did have them young then ya, maybe it would have been a good thing. The ones at your reunion sound like they're in a place to make up for lost time. That's fine too but if they're broke, it's not something they'll be able to keep up! You're probably in a place that's right for you. Parenting is tough in general!

I would have been an awful mother (and wife) in my 20’s or early 30’s. So, I had a fabulous time, instead. I traveled, got several degrees, I had lots of sex, I partied far too hard, advanced my career and basically Peter Panned it for as long as humanly possible for a woman.

Met DH and had DC in my late 30’s. I’m much happier, more contented and considerably richer than I would have been if I’d had kids at 25. And we all benefit from that. (Also, I’ve got some cracking stories.)

If it makes you feel any better I did both 🙈 what a moron. I’ve been at it 25 years and will most likely still be at it into my mid-50’s 🤮

Precisely this….I’m the opposite to you….did uni and got a house early 20s….but then had 3 children before end of my 20s …..I’m 60 now….children long flown….3 GC age 10, 8 and 7 who I spend a lot of time with….still lots of time to spend with my Mum ….and lots of time with my partner ……have travelled lots from age of late 40s when mortgage was paid off and kids became adults…..we all do it differently

I did both! Had two kids in my 20s, got divorced, met someone else and had another two in my late 30s/early 40s! I don't regret any of them, but it's meant going to University in my 50s and travelling, at last, in my 60s 😄

At the reunion I noticed how many have so much free time now their DC are in their late teens/twenties

Well yer can't have it all ways!

You had your free time in your 20s and in time to come your children will grow up and then you'll have some more free time, if you're lucky. Or you might be sandwiched between ageing parents and grandchildren, just as other women are, no matter when they had their children!

In terms of time spent in each phase of life it’s pretty much the same. DH and I were together for 20 years before we decided to have DC when we were well into our 40’s.

During those 2 decades we had an amazing life travelling the world. We did way more than friends we know who had children at a much younger age. I’d rather do loads of travelling in my 20’s and 30’s than in my 50’s and 60’s.

The big difference though is finances. We both built up really good careers before having DC. We are now in a far better position work wise and financially than nearly all our friends who had children at an earlier age.

It is much easier to maintain a senior job you already hold when DC arrive than it is to commit to working your way up to one while caring for young DC.

Of course for many people external circumstances dictate the path they take and much of this type of discussion is purely theoretical as not all options will be open to all people throughout their lifetime.

I was the opposite to you. I had them young - after uni, but still young.

At toddler group I was always pretty much the youngest mum until I was on #3.
Of my (and dh's) friends from school/uni only one has dc similar age. All the others have children who are at least younger than dc2, and most are younger than dc3.
When I was looking at secondary, they were talking about nursery/primary.

But now, we have an empty nest and they're still in the midst of it.

There were disadvantages: I don't think the dc had anything new unless it was underwear or a present until they were at least 8yo. We've never been abroad (cost of 5 passports is more than we'd have paid for a holiday when the dc are small). There were things we'd have liked to do/opportunities for the dc that we just couldn't afford.

But actually I am very happy with how we did it, and wouldn't exchange it. I had energy for the dc which I wouldn't have now, for example.
I'm sure our friends are just as happy with their choice.

And I also have the advantage that when I tell people how old me dc are, they exclaim how young I look. I suspect I look my age, but they think I'm about 10 years older! It's nice and flattering though. 😁

I had mine at 30 and 39 (wasn't meant to be such a big gap but apart from that I've no regrets). If I'd had them earlier there would have been so much of my 20s life I couldn't have done.

Postgraduate degree/ legal practice course (had to do this in the evenings while working full time to support myself and pay the course fees) to qualify as a solicitor. That took from age 23 to age 29. No way could I have done it with kids in the mix as well.

Got on property ladder, no way would I have been able to save enough for deposit if I had kids.
Had a lovely wedding and enjoyed just being married with no kids between 26 and 30.
Some nice holidays and festivals with friends - wouldn't have been affordable or possible with kids. (No grandparental care. )

Nothing to do with sleeping around and getting pissed up! I was with my husband almost all of my 20s and we're still married now.

I'm now 51 and youngest has just started secondary. I'm the only one of my main friendship group with such a big age gap/ much younger child and I've missed out on a few nights out etc but overall it's all good because I've loved "doing it all over again". In fact my youngest suddenly seems very independent and off out with her friends all the time and I'm wondering what to do with my new found freedom!

You've got to play the cards you're dealt and try and enjoy the game!

I had mine at 30 and 33 and given my time again would do exactly the same. My carefree 20’s in the fabulous 90’s were some of the best days of my life. My friend had her second set of twins at 47 (her first were 17) and the thought horrified me. My DC are now leaving uni as we’re heading into early retirement, the timing is perfect.

Like you @Eastie77Returns I had a great time in my 20s and had my DC in my early 30s. I don't think the travelling / partying would have been as fun in your 40s.

I am the opposite. What kept me going when I had my children in my early 30s, was remembering that I had lived my twenties to the full. I had had flatmates, travelled, made loads of friends at work and had a wonderful time as I established my career and found a partner and then married and bought our first flat. No regrets at all. Quite the opposite!

And my kids have now left home and we are having a very nice time without them in our fifties!

And finally, we are in a better financial situation now. Our kids have left uni with no loans or debt. No way could we have done that for them if we had had them in our twenties.

I had my children later in life mainly because it took me that long to find the right father for them! I sometimes wish we’d met earlier and started in our early 30’s but we might not have been in the right place then.
most of the friends I know that had children late teens/early 20’s are now grandparents (I’m 42) and are feeling that they have to provide childcare while still working full time and missing out on all the travel and adventure that they promised themselves they would have when the kids were old enough. Yes I’m tired with a 5 & 2 year old but I have a very solid family unit and a secure life, so I’m happy with that trade.

I’m in the middle- had mine at 26 and 29. I’m almost 40 now and they’re approaching 14 and 11 and it’s all getting much easier. I have friends with kids in their late teens and friends who have just had their first babies- there’s a huge variation which is great. It is what it is, there’s no point dwelling. Like a pp said, it’s the same number of years raising the kids whether you do it first and have free time later or free time first and raising kids later.