To feel envious of friends who had DC in their 20s.

[Eastie77Returns]

I know there have been lots of threads about the merits of having children when you are young vs older and more established. I went to a class reunion recently and met up with a lot of old friends. I attended a school in a deprived part of East London and a lot of my friends had children quite young (early/mid-twenties). I remember feeling sorry for them as they were burdened with raising kids at such a young age but time has given me a different perspective.

At the reunion I noticed how many have so much free time now their DC are in their late teens/twenties whilst I’m still in the semi-trenches with my 10 and 12 year olds. I feel exhausted a lot and carving out time for myself is tricky although I’m extremely fortunate to have a flexible job and WFH. When I mentioned I had to leave the reunion party as I had the school run the following day with my younger child, a few friends chuckled and said they could barely remember doing that. It did make me feel envious. Also many of them had parents to help raise their DC whereas mine were both quite elderly when DC came along and have both died. One of my friends who had 3 kids by the time she was 28 pointed out that I’m have a well paid job with my own home whereas she is on a low income and renting because she never got a career of the ground. I understand that point but part of me feels I might still have been able to get a good job if I’d had my kids at 20 something rather than a decade later.

I had a great time in my 20s/early 30s as I travelled, lived abroad etc but my friends are now able to live that live in their 40s whilst I’ve got another 8 years until both kids are ‘adults’ and of course I know that I’ll probably still be supporting them beyond that whether that’s with uni or something else. I wouldn’t exactly want to change my past but I do still wonder “what if”?

Does anyone else who had kids mid-30s onwards feel the same?

You’re really close to being out the trenches now
plus your kids still probably want to hang out with you! In a very short space of time they may not be so keen
i had my eldest at 25, middle at 28 and youngest at 32. I’m 44 now so eldest is off and independent but I’ve still got a 15 and 12 year old at home.

I didn’t have any family help in my 20s - parents of parents at that age are are often still working, my mum would have been working given her age but actually she was disabled.

my early career was so so hard, I kept it going just about but it was so much harder being the junior things were delegated to last minute as opposed to a senior professional who can delegate down

envy is the thief of joy, you can always do things differently. Try not to compare

I had one at 16 and one in my mid twenties.

When I see siblings close in age playing together I sometimes I wish I’d had mine closer together but when my oldest was young I was too worried about what people would think of me if I had two before I was 20. Even though they have the same father.

I had my first at 22 and became a grandmother at 43. For me that meant studying when the dc were small to get a decent job and not going out partying.

Younger or older, motherhood is hard and both have pros and cons.

I had DC at 40.

I wish my Dad and both my DHs parents were alive to meet DC.
I wish I'd had DC younger so I could have had more than one.

But that's not how life panned out. On the positive side, I think I'm a MUCH better parent than I would have been in my 20s, when I was much more rigid and uptight about everything. And I can afford to be a sahm which I wouldn't trade for anything. I don't feel like I'm missing anything as I got travelling etc out of my system decades ago.

If I could choose I think I'd have had DC around five years earlier.

I feel I had the best of both worlds for which I feel so thankful 🙏 Partied and travelled in early 20s after qualifying as a registered nurse. Met husband aged 26 got married aged 29 and then had my babies .
Now aged early 60s I am now a grandma and young enough to help and have quality time with the grandchildren .Wizzing off to Australia 4 weeks today to see my son .
I am just lucky that the timings worked out for me and so grateful.

I had mine late 30s and all of my friends had their first either late teens or early 20's and so it's weird having a little one when some of them have teens. I do feel a bit jelly tbh. I want to have more but can't now. I also feel sad because my parents were getting older and another thing is all of my DCs nieces and nephews are quite a bit older so I'm imagining Christmas etc in the future and how it would've been nicer to have more around the same age. Can't do much about it other than tell my own child to try and meet someone sooner but sometimes life just doesn't work out what way

Not for me! I feel very fortunate having children later. I wouldn’t have swapped it for the world!! I absolutely love my life and wouldn’t change a thing.

I had my kids young - 21 and 24.
I had my eldest the same week I graduated and then completed teacher training. I was lucky as I had so many family members to help - my grandparents were early 60s and had just retired. I've been able to climb out the career ladder and feel very fortunate to have a lovely comfortable life.

I knew my husband was the one and we have been happily together for the last 16 years. My eldest is now 14 and things are feeling easier.
BUT it was all about who I was having children with and if I hadn't have met him until now I'd be happy to have become a first time parent at 35.
The one thing that has been a negative is how I have constantly been at different stages to friends - they're now starting to have babies. Weren't interested in my children when they were small and now only like to do things that involve around small children.
There's always positives and negatives to both.

YANBU but it is what it is, so you just have to enjoy it. There are pros and cons in all situations

My DS is at nearly 20 years younger than all his cousins.

I just made loads of friends at baby groups and nursery who were in the same situation and now he has a great little friendship circle.

Many were 40+ when they had DC and therefore quite often there is little wider family support as DP are very elderly or deceased.

We do loads together as a group and they have pretty much taken the place of the wider family who don’t really exist for us.

Yes, relate to all of this.

Absolutely no regrets not having kids younger. Had a great time in my twenties and early thirties.
I wouldn't say you were in the trenches either. Mine a couple of years ahead of yours and already feels so much freer to go out with DH for a few hours here and there.
The people from my school who had kids really young also had grandkids really young. They don't seem to have gained their freedom, just be looking after yet more kids!

Yabvu.

10 and 12 are just about the greatest age ever, and im glad im doing it in my forties!

Having our three in our mid to late thirties was perfect for us

I support your theory OP as I’m glad I had my children when I did, I was 26 when I had my first and 29 when my second was born. I’m a nurse so my career was well enough established as I’d been qualified for 5 years before having a baby, I probably moved away from shift work earlier than I would have without children but I don’t think I’d be in a different position now. I should have chosen a better father for them though.
I’m not quite 50, the oldest has left home and youngest is 19, living at home, doing an apprenticeship and saving up. They’re independent and I am enjoying life. (And judging by some mumsnet threads I have done quite a good job of parenting them to independent adulthood!)
I’m quite horrified at the thought of still having a primary school aged child at this age so pleased to have left that behind. I suppose I might not be so perpetually skint if I’d had them later on and I might have made a better choice of father (the two are linked, more the wrong choice of husband/ father than children that affected my finances).
I’m not sure I am ready to be a grandmother in 3 years though so I guess that makes me a bit hypocritical.

@mamagogo1

you need to drop your “friends”

but then really given you did exactly the same to them as what they did to you (laughed at each other in smugness), your friends need to drop you too!

Appreciate all the different perspectives. I do feel lucky and grateful that I had my DC when I was financially stable, owned my own home and had a good job.

DP has never had high paying work but that has worked out ok as he’s had the flexibility to do a lot of childcare and this in turn has allowed me to progress at work at now earn a very good salary. I know the benefits of all that are innumerable.

I also know from talking to several old friends at the class reunion who had kids early that they have had really difficult lives punctuated by poverty, low income jobs, poor housing etc and have been ground down by it all. And since some of their own children went on to have DC early so these women are still on the school run 30 years later with their grandchildren😱 So I’m not looking at early motherhood through rose tinted glasses.

I think my slight envy was towards a few of my former classmates who had kids in what I think is a sweet spot of late 20s to about 30 and have still been able to forge careers etc.

On the other hand it definitely resonated with me when I read some of you saying you would not have been good parents in your 20s. I think on reflection I would have been awful tbh. I wouldn’t have had the patience for it. I lived in France for most of my 20s and then went travelling and was preoccupied with having a good time, meeting guys etc. I can’t think of a single boyfriend from that period of my life who would have made good father material (I had terrible judgement when it came to men!) so I would have been a single parent to boot.

I had my son at 20 and so much of me regrets that I didn't get to experience university and all that comes with that.
I had spent my teenage years living with my nan and being a semi-carer to her and then I moved straight in with my boyfriend, my husband now, and I got pregnant at 19.
While my best friends were off at university and then getting to go on holidays abroad, I was knee deep in nappies and baby food and trying to make my way without really knowing what the heck I was doing.
My husband has managed to progress in his career and we've got a nice enough life but I regret not getting a mortgage back in the 90s and not having enough money to save for anything.
We're now stuck in a situation where we're renting the same flat we moved into in the mid-90s and not really being able to do much about it (unless we suddenly get a windfall) as it's very unlikely that anybody would want to give us a mortgage now we're in our 50s.
Mind you, the flip side is that my mum was very happy to look after our child when he was young and there's no way she would have been able to do that later on as her health has not been brilliant in latter years. We were luckier than a lot of people in our situation as a/we stayed together, b/we were able to get several weekends/short breaks away on our own, and c/we had energy back then (God, I miss the energy!).

I think everybody looks at other people's situations and thinks that the grass is greener, but, it's not, not for everyone anyway! I know that I spent a lot of my 30s being treated as if I was thick and stupid for having had a child that early on, when, actually, I was none of those things. Had I been given the opportunity, I think I could have achieved something more than just being a mum.
I know there's no way I would have enjoyed being a mum later on though and would probably not have bothered if I hadn't got pregnant when I did way back when!

The grass isn't always greener.

I had my son very young and he is disabled. I've had health issues all my life which hsve been massively exacerbated by bringing him up. I really wish I hadn't rushed into having a child. My marriage was abusive too. I'm a different person now and if i could do it all differently i would.

Personally I feel that the best time to have children is from the age of 23 right up to 47 - exactly like my Great Grandmother!! So you have the advantage having kids in your early 20s but also you’re still doing the school run at nearly 60! My great gran had twins at 47.

I really feel this is the way forward with childbearing so it enables women to see it from both sides 👍

The “best time”? Presumably you’re not taking biology and fertility in to account @NollyGreen with that age range

I hear you OP. Even though there are huge advantages to being an ‘older’ mother - and MY definition of ‘older’ mother is in your 50s!! - yes I’ve known it happen naturally! - because you’ve got more life experience, there’s also huge advantages to having kids as a young adult -

For instance - when people are in their 40s, that’s when their parents’ health often deteriorates. Not always - my mum luckily had 2 relatively healthy parents in her 50s - but if you had a kid at 21 and no doubt brought them up well, they could be a good support for people - even just emotional support from a distance in the way of a daily telephone call - when their in their 40s and parents in their 70s/80s during parents years of health decline and eventual death

I'm the opposite - I had my (surprise) DD early 20's & as a result had to revolve my life around her - leave a job I loved as no childcare to suit & essentially accept a lower paid job (which I still enjoy and am fortunate to have) but as a result of this I can't afford to buy a home, all my friends are starting to have babies now & my DD is secondary age so there is a massive gap & I feel a bit left out when they're all away to baby classes etc together. I wish I had waited & been able to get a career/better life first. I will say although I was young, I am, and always have been a good mum & my DD has never struggled but yes, comparison is the thief of joy. I may still go back and study once she's a bit older & can be left unsupervised for longer. I was lucky to have my mum to help me when she was small but she died suddenly a few years ago in her early 50s and my dad also died when I was a child, so being younger doesn't guarantee parental help unfortunately.

My timeline was similar to yours, OP. Yes, I do feel a bit jealous of those who has babies younger, but DH & travelled, built financial security & had freedom. You'll never hear me say 'one day....' we did it all!!

If we'd had them early 20's, we still wouldn't be free. We have elderly parents requiring more help. FIL is frail & absorbs most of DH's free time, and we almost had to cancel an abroad trip as he had a fall the night before we flew out. All parents are elderly now, my DM is likely to live to an old age, like her DM, and will require a lot of support. Our siblings are nowhere to be seen. Im glad we had the chance to be free.

Also, my cousins 3 DC, late teens to late 20's, all still live at home & none lift a finger!!

No, I really don’t think raising kids over 20 odd years would have worked for me😂 Twins at 47 and the school at nearly 60??! Lol.

No but I suppose bearing children from early 20s up to menopause like my GGran did will at least enable women to see the maternal age debate from all sides! Thus is what I meant by ‘best’!