To feel envious of friends who had DC in their 20s.

[Eastie77Returns]

I know there have been lots of threads about the merits of having children when you are young vs older and more established. I went to a class reunion recently and met up with a lot of old friends. I attended a school in a deprived part of East London and a lot of my friends had children quite young (early/mid-twenties). I remember feeling sorry for them as they were burdened with raising kids at such a young age but time has given me a different perspective.

At the reunion I noticed how many have so much free time now their DC are in their late teens/twenties whilst I’m still in the semi-trenches with my 10 and 12 year olds. I feel exhausted a lot and carving out time for myself is tricky although I’m extremely fortunate to have a flexible job and WFH. When I mentioned I had to leave the reunion party as I had the school run the following day with my younger child, a few friends chuckled and said they could barely remember doing that. It did make me feel envious. Also many of them had parents to help raise their DC whereas mine were both quite elderly when DC came along and have both died. One of my friends who had 3 kids by the time she was 28 pointed out that I’m have a well paid job with my own home whereas she is on a low income and renting because she never got a career of the ground. I understand that point but part of me feels I might still have been able to get a good job if I’d had my kids at 20 something rather than a decade later.

I had a great time in my 20s/early 30s as I travelled, lived abroad etc but my friends are now able to live that live in their 40s whilst I’ve got another 8 years until both kids are ‘adults’ and of course I know that I’ll probably still be supporting them beyond that whether that’s with uni or something else. I wouldn’t exactly want to change my past but I do still wonder “what if”?

Does anyone else who had kids mid-30s onwards feel the same?

Also while those with older kids don't do bedtimes or homework any more they are still parents often living with young adults, they still live with all the stresses of that. Your child free years were actually carefree, its not fully comparable to someone who can have a lie in on Sunday but still needs to cook for a family of 5 and share their living space, not to mention the ongoing worry and headspace that parenting a teen or young adult brings.

Also, I completely, 10000% agree with this. Once you are a parent, you are a parent for life.

Even when your children are independent adults, chances are many don't want to live massively far away from them, wouldn't consider travelling for months on end as they won't see them, especially if grandchildren arrive, still worry about them all the time etc...

In my 20s I had nothing to worry about but myself, my job, my boyfriend...a totally different level of stuff to a child. And I'm glad of that. I was able to make/consider choices I'd never make now as a mother.

None of us ever know what's going to happen. Sometimes you can think things are getting easier, then something happens, for example a child can get to the independent stage, then have a disability (the cases I know are after a routine virus, but it could be an accident or anything else), so we can't expect things will necessarily be a certain way, whatever age we're pregnant. It's also easier for some people if they have more help, so that's one reason people have kids early, as they're more likely to have more family to help, but that's not always the case.
It's usually easier to develop your career when you're younger, which is why a lot of people wait, but there are people who have started after their children go to school, and still got what they wanted. Swings and roundabouts, maybe.

I had kids in my mid 20s and then another one in my mid 30s. I have quite a lot of freedom as adult children are often around to babysit the 12 year old and my MIL was 25 when she had DH, so is still able to help with childcare when my adult two are away at uni.

It's just different circumstances. My career was stalled twice and it's been difficult to progress. I was lucky though and qualified as a teacher just before my eldest was born so do at least have a career rather than a job.

I guess the only thing I feel sad about with the youngest is he never knew me when I was young and really energetic. Also that we have so many happy family memories that he doesn't feature in because he wasn't born! But he definitely gets more one to one time with me, during which I am calmer than I was with the big two and can buy him more treats because we're not scraping pennies together (I didn't work for a few years when the big two were little).

Swings and roundabouts, grass is always greener and all that. Acceptance is the key to this, I think.

@BorderCauli99 I feel the same, pg at 29 DC1 at 30. Kind of fell between two stools. All my other friends were mid 30s and to them the early 30s were the golden years, nice holidays, Sunday brunch, career progression. I never got where i wanted career wise, lived on a very tight budget in my 20s although i enjoyed a great social life. I don't have the benefit of being a young mum or an older mum!

Being a new mum was unbelievably exhausting, I'm a bit cynical when older mums thinks it's an age thing. Extreme sleep deprivation at any age is horrific. Older mums often have enough money to buy help (depends obviously on circumstances), younger mums often get lots of family help. I think the suffering is much the same at any time. Those that have easy babies at any age are winning the lottery of life!

I had my one & only at 33 but my DP who is the same age as me had his early 20’s and now they’re both young adults & mine is only 8. I had a ball in my 20’s & travelled & built a career. Helped by the fact I went back to work FT when my child was young I’ve got a successful career now. My DP is a SD to my daughter but we have no wish up have one of our own & when my DD is with her dad I relish the adult time. My ex is just starting a new family with his new partner & I feel not one bit of jealousy. I love my daughter & perhaps cos I was a one & done mother I was only in the trenches for a short rather than repeated children keeping me there. Not only that but I’ve been exposed to the teenager yrs through my SD’s & I think the worst is yet to come with mine! Ignorance is bliss as they say. Advantages & disadvantages but i do think a career, decent pension & independence still convinces me that having children later was the right choice.

2 in my early 20's, now both living independently and I struggle to cope with the Grandchildren (whether that is due to having children early in life, I don't know) but I couldn't do it now at 50 - it definitely is swings and roundabouts. Pro's and Con's to both - maybe child free is the way to go 😂

Honestly I do feel lucky in so many ways. The fact I have an established job which is well paid means my DC benefit from so many things I didn’t have as a child. I just feel tired keeping up with it all sometimes and think gosh if I was a decade younger when I had them I’d have had so much more energy with a 10 & 12 year old than I do now…

On Sundays I’m up at 7am to drive DD to her football league away games. I come home, make lunch and no word of a lie - I’m laying in bed by about 5pm.

Not at all. It obviously works very well for some people but it sounded awful to me in my 20's and I still have no regrets waiting until I was in my late 30's to have DC.

I technically did, as I was a few days short of my 30th birthday when I had dc1…

I thought having children youngish would work out as you then get your life back again when you’re not too old.

However what I failed to see is that having children young then sets you up perfectly in the family’s eyes for being lined up for elder care.

Have children late and you get your 20s and your 30s (or some of your 30s) footloose and fancy free, and then you can happily line your siblings up as the elder care because oh dear you’ve got young children now so can’t possibly be in the frame.

Plus you maximise your career by getting up the rungs when you’re younger and taking any time out when already established.

Edit - oh yes and when the elder care is over, or even alongside it, one of your kids will then line you up as grandchild care! Whereas if you’ve had yours older you can probably say “I’m too old now”.

It's all swings and roundabouts @Eastie77Returns and I'm not sure there is an ideal time to have children. I know a woman near me who had her one daughter at 17 (the dad buggared off while she was pregnant, and she lived with her mum and the baby til she got a council house 2-3 years later.) She got a job in a supermarket 16-20 hours a week, and had lots of help from her parents - with her DD, and if she was struggling financially. (She has one sister 10 years younger, so only 7 years older than her daughter.)

When she was 37, her daughter was 20, and left home to live with her boyfriend (married at 22, then had 1 child at 25, three years ago) and the lady I know is 45, so still young-ish and healthy, and has been free of child-rearing responsibilities since she was in her late 30s! But none of them have ever been loaded, they never went to Uni, they never will be high earners, and they all rent a property (council.) They don't travel much, just the odd holiday to Spain every 3 years or so... They all seem happy though. They have very few friends as their social circle is very small. Most people I know who had kids young didn;t go to Uni, and are not high earners.

Many people I know who went to Uni, (and have no kids,) have multiple groups of friends, they have travelled to 20+ countries, (holidays, and backpacking,) and have weekends away at the drop of a hat as they have no kids to think about. Most of them are quite high or very high earners, highly educated, and can command £100K a year. Most of them own their property. Many of them have busy and active social lives. They all seem happy too.

Will any of them ever have any regrets? Who knows.

I know some people who had children before 23-24 y.o. who regretted having them younger, and some people who didn't have children til their mid-late 30s, (usually the Uni-educated professionals) have a nice life and a decent income, but regret leaving it quite late, and know they will very likely still have their kids with them when they're 60. (Whilst the ones who had them younger will have been free of children for some 15 years.)

As has been said though, if you DO have kids, no matter what age you have them, they take a 20 year chunk out of your life. And a LOT of fecking money! 😬

Your friend in a low page job is right. It’s much much harder to build your career later in part because your kids still need you.

once you have children you always have them. In your 20s with no kids you could throw yourself into your career. Hours were no issue. School hours, term time etc did not exist in your world

see how hard it is now for you to work with kids. Imagine how hard it would be to START your career with kids even if they are teens.

Every one is different and we dont all want the same thing life happens.
Im 39 in december my son is 23 in may he has his own life now with his partner.
I work a fab job that i love, i travel good mates i just love life love freedom.
Im more me now than i was in my 20s im more confident.

My sister is 40 and had hers young 1 is 22 and one is 19.
My eldest sister is 42 and hers are 4/7&18 months.

Two of the ladies at the class reunion had DC aged 16 (I remember one sitting her GCSEs when she was heavily pregnant) and both are now very young grandmothers!

I think - as your friend pointed out to you - it is just a case of looking at someone else's life from the outside and being envious of the things they have that you don't, whilst conveniently forgetting the things you have that they don't.

'The grass is always greener' as the saying goes.

I had all my dc in my 30s, and that was just right for me.
I did so much in my 20s that shaped me, and also was able to buy our home, drive, and all those types of things that make raising a family more comfortable.

The only tiny thing I would quite like to be a bit different would be to be a bit younger when (if) Grandchildren come along (my dc, all now in their 20s, are probably not like to have dc soon either).

I think you’re only young once. I’d hate for my kids to be having babies in their early or mid 20s. Even if they’re off your hands by the time you’re 40, you’re never going to be properly young and carefree again.

I had my first at 28, but by then I’d been to uni and done a masters, travelled the world for over a year and had a rollicking good time living and partying.

My experience and views is that I had a great time in a time when traveling and going out was BIG and fun! Not that people aren’t tavelling now but it’s was so different and my money went a long way back then, bars, pubs and clubs were filled up, no iPhones and just less controlled. Can’t explain it but so much better. Many aren’t having the fun they thought they would once the kids were all grown up and everything is so expensive now. I don’t regret it for a minute and glad I had my kids in my 30’s and it’s hard, yes, but I’m at a good place now and feel so much is out of my system and I still travel and go out just my going is more national trust and kids focused but love it. 😍

Yes, I know a few women who became grandmothers before a few other became mothers!

There's no one right time, there can be a wrong time though! No matter what age you have kids, you lose out on something. Try to enjoy the positive side of having children older, a career and your own home. Not too be sneezed at.

Not everyone wants to be that party person sleeping around getting pissed up.
Some do some dont.

I had mine late 20’s/early 30’s and now they are in their early 20’s and I’m menopausal. I’m glad. A couple of my friends had them in their 40’s and they are juggling teens and the menopause.

It's that you are obviously not enjoying motherhood, but this too will pass.

What a fabulous group of friends this sounds like

No because I got all the stuff you do in your 20s and 30s out of my system and was ready for a more family oriented life. Had more patience when I was a bit older, more mature and financially secure. I think I’d have been a terrible mum in my 20s.

no because I had the best time in my 20s and 30s travelling and partying for years with zero responsibility

i now have way more money than I did back then and can still travel and afford really fun activities to do with my kids ! I spent my whole second maternity leave in Asia with kids - took the 4 year old to Disneyland on a whim a few weeks back because o could - if I had kids in my 20s I’d have had no money and been super unhappy scraping by trying to afford life

God no.

I would have missed out on at least 15 years of my life, I would be miserable today. Being child-free was amazing, did all the usual, uni, travelling, start a career. Everything I wanted to do, I did.

No way would I have work so freely if I had to run around childcare, and the rest.
I have a house, I moved to be nearer the best school. I can't imagine the stress of renting, changing address when you have to worry about catchment and schools.

My kids could be grown up now if I had them earlier. So what? I still would not be young, would not be care free, still would have to support them through uni, properties, mariage eventually and their kids.

Dealing with schools and everything around the kids would so much easier. I was grown up enough, taken seriously enough, I always felt on an equal footing with teachers and headteacher and always have excellent relation with them.
Never involved or even seeing any of the school gate drama people keep whinging about.

Now my kids are older, I can enjoy more freedom but am still a parent, they always come first and always will.

I am also a hell of a lot fitter and healthier than in my 20s, I don't think I would have exercised that much back then.

Everything I could have done, I've done it. I wasn't bothered about doing a few child-orientated holidays later. Now I can everything else.