Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

The entitlement is strong in this one.

From the attitude that she’s working FT and doing the “lionshare” of the domestic work/childcare while he’s not pulling his weight.

Who’s us? You haven’t even figured out this man isn’t pulling his weight at home. Most on the thread picked up on that a long term ago.

Could you both drop a day at work? More time with the children and not a huge drop in income?

The fact she does more domestic chores than him doesn’t mean she’s carrying him, give over. All that stuff can be outsourced. Plenty of families both parents work, plenty single parent families with major jobs, and it works. No one is carried as someone washes their pants.

Um yeah I have, clearly

A a lot of stuff that SAHP do is busywork, not necessary and certainly not more important than earning.

Households, furnishings and activities can be pared down and streamlined for efficiency and so that the earners can focus on their careers.

Yes, I'm repeating myself because you and other posters also keep repeating themselves.

To some extent, he may actually be carrying her at the moment as their lifestyle may well depend on his higher income. But that wasn't the point that I was making, and I agree that she is certainly carrying him in a different way by doing more of the domestic work.

Her proposed solution - in which she would quit work and keep the kids in nursery for 3 days a week so that she could have some time to herself - would involve him carrying her, so I don't see why he is unreasonable not to agree to that.

You say that the domestic work probably won't ever be shared equally, so she should just accept this and reduce her hours/quit work in order to accommodate it.

I say , if he genuinely won't step up (and we can't actually know whether or not he will), then why would any woman choose to stay in a relationship with a misogynist man who clearly has no respect and refuses to do his fair share of the domestic labour?

I don't see your position as being in any way championing women's rights in the way that you seem to think it is.

And yet people across the country support their families on cleaners’ wages, carers’ wages too which are similar. Essential work you seem to despise.

I was always brought up, and I brought my children up to respect low wage jobs, I hope they never take an attitude such as yours.

Exactly, if she earns as low as she says then it’s likely she can’t afford to pay half her kids costs or her own living expenses. No matter how clean your home is, paying for roof and board always come first. Or you will be cleaning your tent and caring for your kids in that.

On this type of wage it is usually supplemented with benefits.

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack

Afaic our conversation ended yesterday. You’re the one who tried to restart it today merely repeating what you've already said.

Except how you’re actively inventing stuff. If he chooses a higher lifestyle on the back of his higher wage that’s on him. There’s no reason why her wage plus the portion of his that is equal to hers would not support their family, everything above that is optional window dressing.

Furthermore you made up something I have never said:

You say that the domestic work probably won't ever be shared equally, so she should just accept this and reduce her hours/quit work in order to accommodate it.

Never said anything of the sort, I merely wryly observed, as did others, that the solution of 50:50 at home may well never come to pass.

You’ve no idea what she earns. As I said before if he works in finance on 500k, many good professional jobs would be peanuts in comparison.

i don't despise it at all. What an absolutely absurd thing to say. As my dad always said, "To work is honourable. Any work." And I prize a clean and tidy house.

But the reality is that in the marketplace it's considered low-skill, low-wage work. And done in one's own home, it has zero monetary value whatsover. I've never received goods or services in exchange for cleaning my own house, making a doctor appointment, doing my own household's laundry or mowing the garden.

And I doubt very many people really support multiple dependents on solely cleaners' wages.

Well said. Earning should always take priority. Most households can be streamlined and organized so that upkeep is efficient, and most people can pare down activities to make them fit around earning.

People who want to take time out of the workforce for whatever reason should plan ahead and save ahead to support themselves, not expect anyone else to support them.

It’s not low skill work actually. Some of the lowest paid work takes great skill - like care work. I don’t think about people’s work in terms of their wage, merely the value of their work. So my parents’ wonderful carers’ work is priceless.

And the monetary value of my housework thanks to my lovely cleaner is £120 pw. I know this as I pay it.

Men who want kids should plan ahead to do 50:50 care and not expect to rely on the support of their wives for the majority of domestic work and childcare.

Completely agree with this.

And men who don't want kids or aren't interesting in the day-to-day aspects of childrearing should refrain from producing them. Too many men cave in or "go along to get along" when in reality they are lukewarm or indifferent about becoming a parent. And then their lack of interest shows up.

Do you have a partner? If you do it alone then yes well done.

But surely you can see in terms of equality and women being able to progress at work. Chores and childcare needs to be equally split between both partners if they are working full time

You don’t get a medal for running yourself in to the ground.

I said from my first post on this thread that he should step up and do more if he isn't contributing half the childrearing and household work.

But she isn't asking for that, and she doesn't seem interested in progressing in her career. She is asking for him to financially support her and the entire family, on his own, indefinitely. When the chips are down, earning income is more important than anything done inside the home. For those concerned with stability, solvency and long-term financial planning, that is.

HE doesn't think he earns enough to do so, and it's his call. One can't unilaterally foist that burden onto someone without their consent.

Why don’t you both drop a day?

I'm not making it up. It is the clear implication of your argument.

Only in your head.

Plenty of men are super enthusiastic about having kids, but don’t step up to the legwork when it comes to it.

OK. So you agree that she shouldn't reduce her hours or quit her job, then?