Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

Realistically he doesn't have to do any of it though. He could walk away pay the cms and not have any of the aggro. Cheaper and easier for him

Could you compromise by going part time, OP?

In which case you know perfectly well OP could support the family.

Housework has value to the people inside the house. Regardless of who does it.

Housework has ZERO value in the world outside the household. You can't tell Tesco, the council, the petrol station, Amazon, the plumber, etc. that you've done a good morning's housework, so how about they give you some goods, services or financial consideration in exchange. They don't care. The world doesn't care.

Do what you want inside your home but cash is king outside the home. Giving up the opportunity to earn spendable cash on a whim, because one is "knackered" from housework, is foolish to say the least. More sensible to scale back on the housework and insist on a more fair parenting arrangement.

It’s £20 ph for housework in London, more if you pay an agency that covers sickness and holidays etc.

Childminder is £300pw+, nanny £600pw+

I can tell you exactly how much it costs.

And if that happens it would just show that he doesn't value her and also that he doesn't want the best for his kids.
It would show what kind of person he is
And maybe that would be good for her tbh

So what?

Unpaid labour in this case, allowed the man to focus on his career.
America clearly has it right as that is what they work on in terms of alimony.
If she wasn't picking up the lion's share in terms of the unpaid labour, ya think he would've been so successful?
I think not
And the fact that he begrudges her a few years at least to spend on their kids is just bizaare to me.
Like how very selfish.

So we all agree that the best solution is for him to step up and take on 50% of the load at home. Which is exactly what the OP took from the thread, so that's good

You say that you bet he won't step up. I find that kind of defeatist attitude rather depressing tbh. Men are not incapable of stepping up. But if they choose not to do so, even when the unfairness is made abundantly clear to them, then how is it right to just accept that kind of misogyny?

If my DH refused to do his fair share of the load at home, even after the unfairness was pointed out to him, then I would take that as evidence that he had no respect for me. Far from just accepting that the domestic work was my destiny because I happen to be a woman and giving up my job so that I could do even more of it, I would be walking away from a relationship with a misogynistic prick that didn't give a toss about splitting things fairly.

Many women support their families but OP doesn't seem interested in being an earner. That doesn't bode well for her being the breadwinner if things take a drastic turn.

Well she'd have to go to work and look after yhe kids then by herself without his income as well. That won't make her an y less " tired"

She ( and any other woman ) are free to go it alone if they choose. They don't have to stay in a household with a high earner and mortgage paid off

So… you claimed housework has no value to the outside world, just pointed at that’s not true.

Well, we don't actually know. The OP has said that both she and her H work full time and she does the bulk of the childcare.

Some posters are insisting that her unpaid labour must have facilitated his career, presumably by enabling him to work longer hours.

Others are saying that they both work the same hours and it's misogynistic to suggest that he was putting in extra time.

It could be either, but both can't be true at the same time.

She is working FT.

She’s not interested in carrying her DH.

His attitude isn't good OP, he's keeping score. Do not give up working and therefore your independence. His attitude now indicates how he would be if you split up - he does not value the non monetary contribution to the family that you make and is taking all the credit for your fortunate situation, therefore he will be miserly if you ever do find yourselves divorcing. Behind every high earning "hard working man" is usually a lower paid or unpaid woman who has done the grunt work to enable his high earning career. And they hardly ever value that.

Keep working, start saving, get a stocks and shares ISA of your own!

No.

What I meant (and thought was obvious) was that housework inside one's home has no value to the outside world. The housecleaner doesn't get extra money for cleaning her own toilets, that's life.

If the OP went out cleaning in others' homes, her business/service would have value to those other people. Expecting to be financially supported for cleaning one's own home is unrealistic, especially if one's domestic partner/spouse/etc doesn't believe the housework has that much value.

And that's fair enough, but he is not interested in carrying her either, so the solution is for them both to split the load more equally.

It's totally fair enough that the OP isn't happy with the status quo. That doesn't mean that her H should be obliged to accept any alternative that she proposes.

The default position is that they should both be responsible for half of everything - half the responsibility for providing financially, half the responsibility for caring for the kids and half the responsibility for domestic work. Anything which departs from this requires negotiation and mutual agreement.

Housework inside one’s own home has a value to it if it’s done by someone else.

So it’s not true it doesn’t have a monetary value to the outside world, what you mean is it’s unpaid work if the homeowner does it themselves.

Are you quite ok? You do understand there are millions of single parents and double income families who hold down jobs and raise kids,right. You’re posting like it’s thr 1800s and the big man needs a little woman ar home to enable him to,work; my toes are curling.

He’s not carrying her though, shes been carrying him for some time.

You’re just repeating yourself: yes the domestic work should be shared equally; no it probably never will be.

OK, keep telling yourself that.

Housework is VERY low-value work, as is seen by the low wages it commands in hotels, residences, etc..

It has some financial value if done as a service business by a third party. It has little value, other than aesthetic, if done for oneself or one's family inside one's own home. It's life, not work. It doesn't pay the bills or have any other value in the marketplace.

I like a clean home so I put in a good bit of effort. But that effort has zero economic value. It won't buy food, pay taxes, fund my retirement or fuel my vehicle.

She’s carrying no one. Where did this dinosaur atttidude come from?

Oh dear, it would have been sensible to read all my posts before grasping the wrong end of the stick.

Exactly.

My career success has never depended (and never will) on whether there's a "little man" at home. Nor does most people's. If anything, families are a hindrance to career focus and mobility. How that myth ever developed that SAHP "facilitate the other's career" is a mystery.

I did. Your message is clear. None of us are confused.