Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

Ahh yes but she’s not working hard doing a full time job, everything in the house and everything to do with the kids? I fear you are a man…as no woman would say this.

Who has the best deal here do we think? I’d have loved to have concentrated on my career then come home to a dinner, clean house, kids in bed. Big deal if you sit at a desk for a few hours more. You can focus solely on your career and be rewarded for that.

It’s unfair and you you know that. Just because he earns more doesn’t mean he gets to dial out of family life.

She’s currently in the workforce FT. “If” is a question she posed due to the exhaustion of an under-contributing DH.

And no a bigger salary doesn’t make him the breadwinner it makes him the higher earner.

Yep misogyny at its finest. Makes you wonder who these posters are…who downplay everything that the woman (who also works full time) does at home and with the kids…. Hmmm

I fear you are a man…as no woman would say this.

I had the same thought. Or internalised misogyny.

Yes that's an important consideration.

I agree that he seemingly has the best deal at the moment (unless he is working loads of extra hours in order to cover the family's expenses). That is why I think the OP should push him to take on a fair share of the domestic load.

It is not in the slightest bit misogynistic to suggest that the solution to the current unfairness is not for the woman to quit work and take on the entire burden of unpaid labour at home, which would leave her in a more vulnerable positiom in the longer term. What exactly do you feel is misogynistic about suggesting that she should retain her financial independence and demand that her H does his fair share of housework and childcare?

Why assume that men can't/won't step up if they are pressured to do so? Are women just expected to suck up the unpaid work forever, and accept that that is their destiny? Sorry, but I will never accept that. We need to have higher standards.

There are two young kids here. That’s hard enough for two parents but for one to be doing the bulk of it and working full time!
It’s really horrible how women are treated these days. expected to work they drop from exhaustion.
Nobody gets the best of someone in a situation like that - not her kids, not her boss, not her dh.

Op, what about going part time? It could save your sanity. Your dh is an arse if he can’t see how exhausted you are and not care about it.

Ahh yes but she’s not working hard doing a full time job, everything in the house and everything to do with the kids?/.../ Just because he earns more doesn’t mean he gets to dial out of family life.

Nobody has said that. Who are you even quoting? Me and other posters who believe OP should not quit her job all have said that the husband should also do his share of housework and childcare. I questioned the opinion that OPs DH was at home sitting on his arse while OP was doing a double shift. Maybe he was actually working twice as many hours?

Because most of us do the domestic AND still manage to earn. Saying that housework is a fulltime job is absurd. Pare down the housework and prioritize earning.

It's hardly misogyny to say that women shouldn't expect to be financially supported unless someone enthusiastically offers to support them. That's not the case for the OP, so she needs to deal with it. No one ever said he shouldn't be pulling is weight domestically. This is why women need to be very careful in their selection of spouse/co-parent.

If he walked out tomorrow, would she be able to support the family?

Which is more crucial, cleaning toilets or bringing home a salary?

YABU… he’s also being very sensible as you’re older parents which means the kids will probably be young-ish when you’re at a stage of needing care. Working whilst your can is a good idea.

16% of all families are headed by a SP, 80% of which are female. Of course she’d be able to support the family.

To your stupid question: both.

I have all along said the best solution is for him to step up and take on 50% of the load at home. Bet he won’t.

The misogynistic posts are the ones that are making out his job is more important, he is working all hours to pay the mortgage etc.

I am picking up on the posts that were not recognising that the OP is doing 2 jobs.. that needs to change.

Agreed.

Would she, on her low wage? Would they have the same standard of living the breadwinner has provided?

I have always supported my own household (I'm a woman) but then again I have also always prioritized my ability to earn a living.

You don’t do all the domestic though and earn - that is the issue here.

I bet your partner chips in. As it should be!

OP’s DH does not. The solution to that is to get him to do 50%. However this is so entrenched now that I doubt he will.

I would be curious to know what was discussed before TTC. Did the husband ever indicate that he was willing to be sole earner? What was discussed re division of household responsibilities?

We don’t know she’s on a low wage merely that it’s “small” compared to her DH. If he’s on 500k she may be on a perfectly respectable salary.

Would they have the same standard of living with either single parent post split? I doubt it, people rarely do.

One could be equally curious whether she signed up to be the primary caregiver. Did she ever indicate she was willing to do that?

I love how you’ve brought it down to ‘cleaning toilets’ and forgotten about the two pre school children that may need some care at some point….

Again, diminishing the shit at home so the man gets away with not doing anything. Because all there is to do at home is clean toilets eh! Easy! The woman can do that in 5 minutes. What is she moaning about? Why is she tired?

It’s this attitude that prevents women advancing in their careers! Downplaying all the other shit so women feel inadequate when they can’t juggle it all. The goal here is to get the man to recognise and contribute at home - not downplay it FFS!

The two young children appear to have been forgotten in these arguments… it’s just a bit of housework apparently.

I don’t think we can be sure that poster is not doing all the domestic, she may think that’s women’s place.

If they didn't have these discussions before TTC, they were imprudent to say the least.

Like I said, if he doesn't step up, she needs to scale back,but scaling back on earning should be the last resort. Scale back on activities, belongings, etc. first. We all are responsible for supporting ourselves financially.

I am a solo head of household and yes, I do ALL the domestic and earn. I prioritize earning. Always have.

A bit of housework that apparently has “no value out in the world”.

Except of course if you to have pay someone else to do it, when you learn quite quickly how much it actually costs.