Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

536 replies

ChristmasSpirit99 · 21/10/2025 13:36

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 21/10/2025 14:09

You know you’re being unreasonable surely? The fairest thing to do if you are both working full time is to make sure home and child related things are split fairly evenly.

Bohema123 · 21/10/2025 14:11

Any man who cannot see the value of one parent spending time raising their kids - I mean honestly! Older parents too as you say so will have less time in general with them potentially. My husband literally said just yesterday that those first few years he was building his business and that he had no customers that at least he got to pick up our daughter from school and spend some afternoons with her. Invaluable time that he is so glad he had. I also remember when I was concerned about staying home and looking after our daughter when she was a baby and toddler and we were quite broke that my mother asked - did we have food? Did we have hot water? Could we about pay the bills? Then spend some time with your child. The rest in my mind is just material - or immaterial! What are we in this short life for - to build wealth?

Winterflowers6 · 21/10/2025 14:12

Op
If you come back to this thread
Why don't you give us a break down of all the domestic stuff you do ,such as washing, cleaning,cooking ,admid ,kids ,bath time , bedtime ect ect
And a breakdown of what he does
I guarantee,your exhausted because your working full time and doing the lions share of everything else .
People won't think your being unreasonable then x

Makeitstop2025 · 21/10/2025 14:12

1apenny2apenny · 21/10/2025 14:05

Yes OP start working more and doing less at home. Focus on the children and do the minimum. I’m willing to bet he’s one of these men that doesn’t lift a finger, oh but wait he earns more so that means he does t have to. Urgh!

Cut him some slack, at least his earnings have put them in a very strong financial position. To be mortgage free at a relatively young age has provided financial security for the whole family and if it's from his earnings and investment decisions, he shouldn't be lambasted because he doesn't do as much housework. I say this as breadwinner myself who works full time and having just paid off our mortgage at 41 but I still do the lion share of the kids/housework/life admin

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 21/10/2025 14:13

I'm going against the grain here. I don't think you're unreasonable at all. If your wage is tiny compared to his and you're shattered from doing most of the house/kids stuff on top of FT work then this is NOT a fair balance and you should absolutely reduce your hours. I get him not wanting you to quit entirely as that's a big psychological pressure on him to be the sole breadwinner. But you should definitely go down to three days a week, have the kids one day and take one day for yourself as a buffer/catch- up day. HE is being unreasonable.

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 21/10/2025 14:14

You are being unreasonable around stopping work- but there is absolutely a conversation that you need to have about splitting kids responsibilities and housework. He needs to have a reality check about what 50% of home related activity look like.

SeagullSam2027 · 21/10/2025 14:15

How much do you have in savings and investments? That would be a key factor in my decision making.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 21/10/2025 14:15

Bohema123 · 21/10/2025 14:11

Any man who cannot see the value of one parent spending time raising their kids - I mean honestly! Older parents too as you say so will have less time in general with them potentially. My husband literally said just yesterday that those first few years he was building his business and that he had no customers that at least he got to pick up our daughter from school and spend some afternoons with her. Invaluable time that he is so glad he had. I also remember when I was concerned about staying home and looking after our daughter when she was a baby and toddler and we were quite broke that my mother asked - did we have food? Did we have hot water? Could we about pay the bills? Then spend some time with your child. The rest in my mind is just material - or immaterial! What are we in this short life for - to build wealth?

There is nothing unreasonable about not wanting to be the sole breadwinner.

Franpie · 21/10/2025 14:15

We were not older parents and I was earning the same as my DH (low 6 figures) but my DH wouldn’t let me give up work and be a SAHM either. He said that a) I’d regret it and b) we needed the money coming in from my work to set up our futures and in case either one of us was forced out of a job, we should always have 2 incomes.

My kids are now teens and he was right. My income has definitely improved the quality of our lives and I’d be totally bored and feeling a bit lost if I didn’t have a career now (this has happened to quite a few of my friends).

At the end of the day, if you don’t both agree then you have to keep working. One thing I did do is use all my salary to outsource everything when the kids were tiny so I wasn’t as exhausted. I had a cleaner 2 days per week. An ironing service. And a live-in nanny so no rushed nursery drop offs and pick ups.

If I had had a low paying job as opposed to a high paying career I might have fought him on it harder though.

Needspaceforlego · 21/10/2025 14:17

Working part-time might be a better compromise, esp if full-time is pushing you into 40% tax or higher.

Cut in income vs cut in childcare costs.

Do your sums. And make sure you have pension provision for yourself

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 21/10/2025 14:17

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 21/10/2025 14:13

I'm going against the grain here. I don't think you're unreasonable at all. If your wage is tiny compared to his and you're shattered from doing most of the house/kids stuff on top of FT work then this is NOT a fair balance and you should absolutely reduce your hours. I get him not wanting you to quit entirely as that's a big psychological pressure on him to be the sole breadwinner. But you should definitely go down to three days a week, have the kids one day and take one day for yourself as a buffer/catch- up day. HE is being unreasonable.

No, it's absolutely reasonable to push for him to take on a fair share of the parenting, but the OP can't just unilaterally decide to reduce her hours. It has to be a negotiation.

sittingonabeach · 21/10/2025 14:17

How much parenting/housework does he do?

Mrswhiskers87 · 21/10/2025 14:22

OP I hope you’ve read the comment about it being important for you to work in terms of financial independence and pension. So many women make themselves financially vulnerable by not working and having zero pension. X

Ribidibidibidoobahday · 21/10/2025 14:22

If a 2.5 yr old is at pre school and you're earning very little surely it's just not worth it. Financially. Better investment in home and family health/organisation. Maybe if you sit down with him with a clear plan and timescale - the youngest will be in school in two years. Short time period in the bigger picture. Or both part time?

Maybe focus on switching jobs to a flexible one that works around primary school? You'll be less tired but still bringing money in for those extras.

Autumvibes · 21/10/2025 14:24

OP if you want this lifestyle you have to find a partner who is happy to support it I’m afraid.

aCatCalledFawkes · 21/10/2025 14:25

I think dropping hours to fit in around the kids is pretty standard, did you ask him about that or straight in with not working?
I can understand that work doesn't feel worth it some days but I'm guessing he doesn't want to be the only income coming in to the house.
I think it would be worth writing down what you could drop your hours to and working out how much nursery would reduce against what you would be earning.

BotterMon · 21/10/2025 14:30

You know you are being unreasonable. Does he work much longer hours than you? If you work the same hours, he should pick up more of the house/child work.

QuickPeachPoet · 21/10/2025 14:34

No is the answer. What if he got ill/made redundant?
Don't you want to set an example to your kids that adults need to go to work and put something back into society? Or do you want them to think it's ok to hook a rich partner and be bankrolled through adulthood?

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 14:34

could you compromise and work part-time?

Some people idea of a full time job is a 35 hours week 😂. Reduce that, and you keep your job and income, and your chances to going back full time if needed.

If you reduce the childcare cost, and take on more kids and housework because you work a lot less, everyone benefits.

Kids should be the priority ultimately.

Agix · 21/10/2025 14:37

I don't think you're being unreasonable. There are plenty of men who would be comfortable with this arrangement and would appreciate their wife taking care of the kids and house full time and see the value in it.

It's just your husband isn't one of them. Your husband disagreeing doesn't mean you're unreasonable. Does make it pretty impossible for you though, you obviously need his support to do it.

Many people on mumsnet will call you unreasonable out of jealousy of the thought that some women can do this and have support to do it. They have to call it unreasonable and a bad idea to convince themselves they actually have it good having to work.

Childless and employed here BTW, so no skin in this game... Except perhaps I was a child once and would have much preferred a loving parent to the nurseries and babysitters and detachment I got....

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 14:37

QuickPeachPoet · 21/10/2025 14:34

No is the answer. What if he got ill/made redundant?
Don't you want to set an example to your kids that adults need to go to work and put something back into society? Or do you want them to think it's ok to hook a rich partner and be bankrolled through adulthood?

I don't disagree with the husband, but your post is complete bollocks and really insulting to all the SAH parents around.

You don't need a salary to "put something back into society" and having a crap job is no better example than not having a job for a few years.

Londonmummy66 · 21/10/2025 14:38

We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them

So - he wants you to work full time and do most of the stuff at home? That isn't on but there are two ways of skinning a cat - he insists you both work full time then he does half of everything - I'd allocate the days so eg he does all childcare on Tuesdays and Thursdays (including drop offs pick ups and sick collection as well as feeding and bathing etc) and all cooking laundry and housework on Monday Wednesday and Friday and you each have a chore free morning at the weekend and family time weekend afternoons. If he doesn't like that then maybe he needs to accept that you are doing the full time parenting and housework so to make thigs fair you should only be doing part time work work.

Marmaladeisntheonlypreserve · 21/10/2025 14:38

I think your husband is beyond unreasonable
You've both worked hard to get to this stage in your lives where you no longer have a mortgage. I expect you delayed having children earlier for the same reason

I don't know how much you earn but take away from it childcare ,commute,probably buy preprepared food in stead of cooking from scratch, perhaps a cleaner,how much better off will the household be?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a house wife and stay at home parent. Its a very noble profession.
You shouldn't have to grind yourself into the ground when you're very comfortably off for the sake of a couple of quid. Those who think it is are either snobs or deluded .

lemonsherbert83 · 21/10/2025 14:38

I’m not sure why you are getting such a hard time here OP.
there are plenty of families where one partner goes to work and the other stays at home and looks after the children, house etc. We are not in a position to do that but have discussed that if we ever were, that is exactly what we would do, and as I am the lower earner, I would quit / reduce work.
The difficulty here is that you both have different opinions. If he is not on board with it then there’s not a lot you can do, unless you could agree for you to reduce your hours instead of quit completely. If it is still a hard “no” then you have to have the discussion of him pulling his weight at home more. Once he sees what’s involved, he might change his opinion.

Didimum · 21/10/2025 14:39

What are nursery fees compared to your salary?