Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

If you gave up work would’ve also have the option to give up work? It sounds as if you have different views on what you want your finances should look like, but it wouldn’t really be fair if you gave up work and he couldn’t, and he couldn’t have the family finances he wants either. He’s prioritising your kids futures which is sensible. Maybe a compromise would go down better, could you drop a day at work and do 4 days a week instead of 5?

Oh look another deliberately rage clicky thread. Yes you're unreasonable. Yes you're embarrassing. Yes you're entitled. Is that what you're looking for?

Well yeah, he is right. How do you propose paying your % of things, and providing for your children (because they will always need something as they get older especially), if you don’t have an income?

You’re allowed to be disappointed but he’s completely within his rights here.

Is the plan to give up work, pull them out of nursery till they start free hours, then go back once free hours and school?

When you spoke to him, did you explain what you would do during the time you’re currently working?

We don't know how much of a buffer zone you have ongoing - and what savings you have/are able to make for future large contingencies and to give your children a really good start in life with driving/cars/university/weddings/houses etc.

Surely it doesn't have to be all or nothing: either work full-time or don't work at all? Could you drop a day or two?

Do not give up your financial independence

Build your savings
Invest in a pension

You might not be married forever

But how will you and your husband live and support your children if you both give up work?

So you are both working full time.

Does your H also do his share of parenting the children/ housework / etc .
Or does he expect you to work full time and do everything else as well?

Thanks all, really appreciate your comments. No, I was hoping to give up work & my husband keep working. Its only because my salary is so small & his isnt that I would expect it that way. I do the lionshare of the kids stuff but Im permanently exhausted hence I wanted a few days to myself (selfish I know) & take them out of pre-school for a couple of days. x

YABU. Why should you get to give up work when he doesn’t?

Ask to go part time at work or look for a lower stress job instead. You still need to pay half the bills and provide for your DC and pension.

YABU, why not offer the suggestion of both of you dropping one day each instead?

Give up work permanently? Has your salary always been small?

I do the lionshare of the kids stuff

Well, the obvious question here is - why?

Yeah it’s selfish - unless you are offering him the same deal

house renovations are expensive

But can you see that wouldn’t be fair? When would he get a few days to himself? If you’re doing most of the childcare around working then that’s what you need to address with your DH, you need a better split of that. Or propose that you drop a day of work.

Start splitting house and life admin and childcare equally if you both work full time.

What about a career break? But getting back into work might not be easy. I’m guessing you’re about 40…. What will you do when the kids are at school?

Thanks all, think Im getting the overall gist here. I suspected it might not be fair but I will push on him to do more of the kid stuff.. xx

You might find that if he is having to do more of the housework and child-rearing either 1) you will be less knackered or 2) he will see the value of your domestic labour and consider something like part-time working. Ignore the people jumping down your throat to call you selfish. Right now you have 2 jobs and he has 1, sounds like he's the selfish one. You need to stop working a double day and make the invisible work visible.

You have lots of other options before giving up work.

lower your hours.

split childcare and life/house admin equally.

hire out fir jobs in the home like a cleaner/send out washing etc.

So you both working full time
So when the kids are home everything should be split in half
He should be doing half the cleaning half the cooking and half the childcare .
Anything else isn't fair
If he starts to pull his weight ,you might not be so tired.
Start to insist he does half of all domestic shit ,and you might find he decides he would prefer you at home covering his half of domestic chores

yeah my DH mentioned the same, that I earn enough and we can manage without his salary, so why can't he just..not work. I hope he was kidding. Well, I laughed anyway. Why would I want to work my backside off to fund a healthy partner retiring in his 40s, so he can relax, have time to himself, potter around and do his hobbies? What if I wanted to do the same?

If you are exhausted and feel you can't cope, look into getting some help around the house (cleaner etc), maybe going part time, or also asking him to do a fairer share of housework and childcare.

So you are mortgage free because your husband paid for the house with his wages and savings. Yes he is still committed to working and you want to give up work?

How is that fair?

Yes OP start working more and doing less at home. Focus on the children and do the minimum. I’m willing to bet he’s one of these men that doesn’t lift a finger, oh but wait he earns more so that means he does t have to. Urgh!