Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

you are completely misunderstanding my post and ignoring what I am actually replying to.

We all know that women do everything = well, no we don't because that's just no true.You having a bad experience doesn't mean all of us are stuck with useless men and fathers.

And again, irrelevant, because what OTHERS do has no impact on the OP

I did say it's unreasonable to expect her to work the same hours AND do all childcare and house stuff - I even said she should go part-time

By the same token it’s fine for OP to say no to him saying no. It may surprise some MNers but men are not the boss.

Things cannot continue as they are so OP needs to reduce her hours or he needs step up to do 50% of the graft.

If you work the same hours then you should do a split of housework and childcare. If he won't do this then yes drop your hours.

He needs to do more household/parenting stuff. But a SAHP needs to have both people’s agreement. And he’s not wrong that spare money can be saved for emergencies, and for your children in the future - he’s not wanting you to keep working for luxuries for him.

I only voted that you are being U because for some daft reason you put kisses at the end of your post.
Just why?

Presumably if you are low paid it would make sense for you to drop one day a week and look after the kids that day, instead of paying nursery fees?

Shocked at the responses! I think it is logical for O.P to give up work for a couple of years instead of paying nursery fees. If you can afford to enjoy time with your young children then do it. Once they are older/at school then O.P could return to work x

It’s not about men being the boss, it’s about both people needing to agree for one give up work. I’d consider divorce if DH was just like “I’m giving up work, you’re the sole earner, fuck it if you don’t like it I’m doing it anyway”

The other thing is childcare fees and not putting the children’s needs to maybe also not be full time if it can be avoided.

Mortgage free here too with teens and never thought about giving up as need something to do - freelance around them (because the idea that teenagers don’t need parenting is wrong and housework)

my hours vary sometimes it is quiet and sometimes it is full on so we discuss and adjust accordingly - which took time but we are better

Me and my husband both did reduced hours in turn to look after the kids when they were small. It’s a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do.

I'd be reluctant to give up work and be financially reliant on your DH. From the small snapshot you have given here it doesn't sound like he considers you an equal and values your contribution. That is only going to get worse if you were to stop working. Part time might be a goof middle ground, and he needs to step up and do his bit around the house and with childcare.

I was responding to an pp who said “it’s fine for him to say no”.

No it’s not. Only a boss has a final say on your working hours. If he can say no then so can she. He doesn’t get the definitive say.

In a relationship an issue needs to be discuss and an outcome acceptable to both negotiated.

Being a feminist seems to mean now slogging your guts out at home and work and barely seeing your children. That kind of life works for some women but certainly not all! Lots of women like being at home and being a homemaker. Here’s a thought: let women decide themselves, and what works for them, and their family.To me it often seems just a modern form of the old adage of never letting a woman relax and enjoy and decide what she wants to do. I don’t even describe myself as a feminist now as it’s a meaningless word co-opted by the likes of Meghan Markles, and it means dumb things like being able to put up a shelf (on MN) which I don’t even want to do.

Ignore the angry women who patrol MN. You do you and what works for your family. Obviously, you will have to discuss this with your husband, but I would’ve thought you could at least go part time. TBH he does sound rather domineering and uncompromising, why don’t you get a say? But it’s hard to tell from the outside, as only you know him and your relationship.

Compromise by dropping a day or 2 given you're doing the lionshare of housework / childcare. Or get a cleaner, use a laundry service etc.

Ok, so you you are misunderstanding my original post in that case.

I surmised that the domestic and mental load is not evenly split between her and her husband.

I made those claims about the rarity of an even split to support my surmise, and show that it was a reasonable one.

But as an aside, I think if you are claiming that most families have a genuine 50/50 split between man and woman, you are deluded.

Yes your DC starting school is the IDEAL time to give up work. Marvellous. 😂

The question I think should be asked is "what's best for everyone?" I'd list out all incomes, expenditures and investments and work out what the best solution is. It could be carrying on as is or it could include a less tired mother. A less tired mother is not just an advantage for the mother, unless the mother plans to play golf or do something else time consuming not helping the family unit.

That’s not what OP’s saying - she’s saying she’s exhausted working FT with the “lionshare” of childcare. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to take time out to look after the kids while they’re small.

It's reasonable to expect him to share 50/50 of childrearing and running the household, but not reasonable to expect him to financially support the entire family.

Mortgage-free is irrelevant. What if something happened to him and you had given up your ability to earn? Disability, divorce, death and other adverse circumstances happen when we least expect them.

I think I might be in the minority here that doesn’t thing you’re being unreasonable? I stopped working for 5 years when my kids were little - but I took on all the housework, cooking and childcare. With how little I earned at the time and how expensive childcare was for them all - it honestly didn’t work out at that much different.

I feel very grateful that DH could see the value I was adding to the household at the time - even thought it wasn’t monetary value. It was exhausting too - I couldn’t wait to get back in the office by the end of it!!

What is your job, OP?

I ask because some jobs are very amenable to part time, some are not. Would it be possible for you to reduce your hours or to take some unpaid leave (which many are entitled to, but few take). That might allow you some time to refresh yourself.

How much do you earn relatively to what you spend on nursery fees? It might be that when you take into account tax, if you are caring for the DC on a day when they would be at nursery, you might not be as much worse off as you expect, especially as you say you are a low earner and you currently have 2 lots of nursery fees. I'm not saying its a "day off" in the same way if you have 2 preschoolers at home, but I find my "days off" with the kids i do still manage to get through some laundry etc and it takes the pressure off the evenings.

If DH is not taking his share of domestic duties then he probably doesnt value your contribution to this. Other posters have said you need to make him share the domestic load. I'm skeptical - its easy to say he should, but my experience is that men who don't pitch in properly are incredibly hard to shift on this and it is harder work to keep forcing them than just to get stuff done. But you might be able to present him with thr option of EITHER you reduce your hours OR you want to outsource some of the housework to reduce pressure on you.

I think its best to avoid totally giving up work at this stage in your life. There are so many unknowns (illness, separation, unexpected costs) that its best to maintain some flexibility if you can.

What is the plan for managing school run in a year or two? Full time workers sometimes struggle with the transition from nursery (long hours) to school (finishes at 3/3.30 and may or may not have suitable wraparound). Might that time, when childcare costs are reducing and children require slightly less hands-on supervision be a time that he would be more agreeable to you reducing hours? You might also have built up a bit of a savings buffer by then and he might feel less exposed.

He isnt your boss. He doesnt get to unilaterally choose. But you are a team and both parties should have a say in big decisions.

But if her husband doesn’t agree, she either has to put up with it or come up with a compromise (such as reduced days). She doesn’t get to insist that she stops work and he has to put up with it. Doing it without his agreement is not going to be healthy for their marriage.

Hi OP,

When my DH and I had our DD I went back to work full time after maternity leave. We were mortgage free. We both worked in demanding roles, commuted and our DD was in full time childcare. The childcare/housework was skewed somewhat that I was doing more but it wasn’t ridiculously so. We were both exhausted and were very conscious that it wasn’t a great situation for our DD. We sat down and asked ourselves if this is the life we wanted for ourselves and most importantly for our DD, we decided it wasn’t. I gave up full time work (I did a bank shift approx once a week to “keep my hand in”) and stayed at home until my daughter started school. It gave much better balance for all of us and was better for our DD. I also took the opportunity to study to enhance my prospects when I went back to work.

i returned to work when DD was in school. A couple of years later my DH (who is older than me) was in a situation where he hated his job and it was causing significant harm to his mental health. After discussion we agreed he would take early retirement and I would be the main breadwinner. I have been the main breadwinner for more than a decade. I do not resent it at all. We have made decisions that are in the best interests of our family as a whole and that we have been lucky to do because we have no mortgage.

I would say that building up a savings pot for emergencies is important and thinking about how you can maintain your skills/engagement in the world of work is also essential. But at the end of the day, what is in the best interest of your DCs?

The fact that you do the lions share of the kids stuff was relevant info for your opening post. Otherwise people will assume it’s 50/50. The responses are skewed accordingly.

Yanbu, I bet you work full time, do all the house work, the cooking, bedtime etc, because dh earns more than you, and I bet he comes home and kicks back.

Well now you know, 50/ 50 all the way