Page 3 | Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

ChristmasSpirit99 · 2025-10-21T12:36:55+00:00

Hi all, Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/10/2025 14:40

I think people are being a bit nasty to you OP, probably because they are jealous that you are mortgage free.

It sounds like you both work full time but you are also doing all the child and house related stuff because he earns more - is that right?

I think that may be where you both are going wrong.

You both have the same number of hours in the day, so you both need to be working for the same number with the same amount of totally free time. Sounds like at the moment your working hours are far outstripping his because he’s working one job and you’re working two + a bit more (paid work, children = two jobs, and housework being the bit more).

You and he either need to-

divide childcare and household tasks so that they are evenly split - genuinely so
you cut down your paid working hours so that your hours of overall work equal his.

It’s a total red herring that his wages and “stock” have paid off the mortgage and fund more of the bills - you’re both equally human and deserve the same time to rest.

JeminaTheGiantBear · 21/10/2025 14:40

This is the kind of thread that makes me want to advise my sons never to marry. You might end up with someone who wants you to pay off the mortgage all by yourself (presumably on a jointly owned house, thus meaning a significant transfer of capital) and then just ‘keep working’.

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 14:41

there are plenty of families where one partner goes to work and the other stays at home and looks after the children, house etc.

there are, but that should be a private agreement between the 2. You discuss these things and agree on the details.

What you can't do is expect your partner to work full time AND do all the childcare and the house chores

thestudio · 21/10/2025 14:43

Does he do literally 50% of all domestic stuff, childcare, planning ahead, christmas, food thinking, shopping, cooking? literally half of everything that you do?

The fact that you say how tired you are tells me this is not the case in your house.

That figures, because it's extremely rare. I can count on the fingers of ... one finger the families that I know where this is genuinely the case.

We all know this - so ignore all those posters who are telling you how entitled you are.

They are themselves pushing an ideological (misogynist) line that assumes that women should work harder and longer hours than men, doing some or all of his share of the shitwork.

Tiswa · 21/10/2025 14:44

ChristmasSpirit99 · 21/10/2025 13:55

Thanks all, think Im getting the overall gist here. I suspected it might not be fair but I will push on him to do more of the kid stuff.. xx

And housework how is that split?

if you both work full time that needs to be split
equally

discuss with him the impact of school runs etc and school holidays how is it all going to work

to get a fair split of everything

Until I became freelance I was 3 days because it made sense as I took on far more household and childcare

Noshadelamp · 21/10/2025 14:45

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 21/10/2025 14:13

I'm going against the grain here. I don't think you're unreasonable at all. If your wage is tiny compared to his and you're shattered from doing most of the house/kids stuff on top of FT work then this is NOT a fair balance and you should absolutely reduce your hours. I get him not wanting you to quit entirely as that's a big psychological pressure on him to be the sole breadwinner. But you should definitely go down to three days a week, have the kids one day and take one day for yourself as a buffer/catch- up day. HE is being unreasonable.

I agree.

Why isn't he doing his fair share? Childcare and household chores need to be 50/50.
Your time is worth the same as his, regardless of how much you earn

id be angry that you're telling him you're shattered and he doesn't seem to care.

To not even suggest taking on more himself to lighten your load is unreasonable!

How long can you sustain being completely shattered?
You had two DCs close in age, your body didn't have much time to recover between pregnancies.

fairydust11 · 21/10/2025 14:45

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 21/10/2025 14:13

I'm going against the grain here. I don't think you're unreasonable at all. If your wage is tiny compared to his and you're shattered from doing most of the house/kids stuff on top of FT work then this is NOT a fair balance and you should absolutely reduce your hours. I get him not wanting you to quit entirely as that's a big psychological pressure on him to be the sole breadwinner. But you should definitely go down to three days a week, have the kids one day and take one day for yourself as a buffer/catch- up day. HE is being unreasonable.

I completely agree. You should definitely be working part time. Whats the point of working full time to then pay to put the children in a nursery, surely you’d save more money by going 2.5 days per week. You’d still be earning but you’d get a bit of a break and time with your children.
I think it’s completely unreasonable that he wants you to continue full time, you can always increase your hours in the future if extra money is needed, but as the mortgage is paid off unless you move house there might not be any need to.

Makingpeace · 21/10/2025 14:46

ChristmasSpirit99 · 21/10/2025 13:55

Thanks all, think Im getting the overall gist here. I suspected it might not be fair but I will push on him to do more of the kid stuff.. xx

What about you both reduce your hours / days working to give you both a bit of head space?

Tiswa · 21/10/2025 14:46

JeminaTheGiantBear · 21/10/2025 14:40

This is the kind of thread that makes me want to advise my sons never to marry. You might end up with someone who wants you to pay off the mortgage all by yourself (presumably on a jointly owned house, thus meaning a significant transfer of capital) and then just ‘keep working’.

Maybe instead make your sons realise that working is just one facet of running a household and children with housework and childcare making up the others - and everything needs to be split fairly. If both are full time the starting point is 50/50 on both.

Otherwise your sons are exactly the type I would be telling DD not to marry

Aluna · 21/10/2025 14:47

ChristmasSpirit99 · 21/10/2025 13:48

Thanks all, really appreciate your comments. No, I was hoping to give up work & my husband keep working. Its only because my salary is so small & his isnt that I would expect it that way. I do the lionshare of the kids stuff but Im permanently exhausted hence I wanted a few days to myself (selfish I know) & take them out of pre-school for a couple of days. x

It’s not selfish and it’s perfectly legitimate to want to look after your kids when they’re small.

Bear in mind that some posters on MN are very preoccupied with money and others are very angry, jealous and aggressively critical of mothers who don’t work. Some are both.

Your children will only be small once. If you are struggling with work and care then negotiate with your DH for a reasonable compromise.

Aluna · 21/10/2025 14:47

fairydust11 · 21/10/2025 14:45

I completely agree. You should definitely be working part time. Whats the point of working full time to then pay to put the children in a nursery, surely you’d save more money by going 2.5 days per week. You’d still be earning but you’d get a bit of a break and time with your children.
I think it’s completely unreasonable that he wants you to continue full time, you can always increase your hours in the future if extra money is needed, but as the mortgage is paid off unless you move house there might not be any need to.

Show quote history

Another in agreement.

JadziaD · 21/10/2025 14:47

I think the exact numbers and responsibilities here are crucially important. Is your salary a good one, just a lot less than his - so it does make a difference to the overall income in a meaningful way? Does he do his share of the child and house-related chores? If you give up work are you giving up a job, or a career?

I think there are good reasons to do it and good reasons not to and ideally as a couple you should be able to make this decision together. What is th elonger term plan once children are at school? Are there compromise options - you reduce your hours perhaps or change career?

BadgernTheGarden · 21/10/2025 14:47

How much is the childcare currently? Would you stopping working and taking care of the kids be close to breakeven if you don't earn much? If both your qualities of life were better if you stopped work and it didn't seriously affect your total income it might not be such a bad thing. If he has a fair bit of savings income you could pay less tax on that as well. You could go back to work when the kids are in full time school. I would think it's worth a serious discussion not a blanket no. It's not like you would be doing nothing as some posters suggest, looking after the children full time and taking on most/all of the household stuff is pretty much a full time job, and you could both relax a bit more evenings and weekends.

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 14:48

thestudio · 21/10/2025 14:43

Does he do literally 50% of all domestic stuff, childcare, planning ahead, christmas, food thinking, shopping, cooking? literally half of everything that you do?

The fact that you say how tired you are tells me this is not the case in your house.

That figures, because it's extremely rare. I can count on the fingers of ... one finger the families that I know where this is genuinely the case.

We all know this - so ignore all those posters who are telling you how entitled you are.

They are themselves pushing an ideological (misogynist) line that assumes that women should work harder and longer hours than men, doing some or all of his share of the shitwork.

no, we don't ALL KNOW this, because it's simply not true

and frankly completely irrelevant here.

Even if 99% of all the other husbands/ fathers were doing 75% of everything, that would be of no help to the OP anyway

Aluna · 21/10/2025 14:48

thestudio · 21/10/2025 14:43

Does he do literally 50% of all domestic stuff, childcare, planning ahead, christmas, food thinking, shopping, cooking? literally half of everything that you do?

The fact that you say how tired you are tells me this is not the case in your house.

That figures, because it's extremely rare. I can count on the fingers of ... one finger the families that I know where this is genuinely the case.

We all know this - so ignore all those posters who are telling you how entitled you are.

They are themselves pushing an ideological (misogynist) line that assumes that women should work harder and longer hours than men, doing some or all of his share of the shitwork.

Yep.

Aluna · 21/10/2025 14:50

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 14:48

no, we don't ALL KNOW this, because it's simply not true

and frankly completely irrelevant here.

Even if 99% of all the other husbands/ fathers were doing 75% of everything, that would be of no help to the OP anyway

Show quote history

We do as OP says she does “the lionshare of the kids stuff but Im permanently exhausted”

ComfortFoodCafe · 21/10/2025 14:52

Reduce your hours, yes. But give up work completely? No.
You have young kids, kids are really expensive especially as they get older.

Scarfitwere · 21/10/2025 14:52

ChristmasSpirit99 · 21/10/2025 13:48

Thanks all, really appreciate your comments. No, I was hoping to give up work & my husband keep working. Its only because my salary is so small & his isnt that I would expect it that way. I do the lionshare of the kids stuff but Im permanently exhausted hence I wanted a few days to myself (selfish I know) & take them out of pre-school for a couple of days. x

If you both work full time, then he needs to do 50% of the house/kid/mental load stuff too. He can't have it both ways. That said, giving up work completely is probably unreasonable. What about doing 4 or even 3 days? Which would account for you doing 60-80% of the home stuff.

thestudio · 21/10/2025 14:52

ThisGentleRaven · 21/10/2025 14:48

no, we don't ALL KNOW this, because it's simply not true

and frankly completely irrelevant here.

Even if 99% of all the other husbands/ fathers were doing 75% of everything, that would be of no help to the OP anyway

Show quote history

Eh? Of course it impacts whether she’s being unreasonable if she’s actually doing more than him overall, once childcare, shitwork, and mental load is included in the tally.

not for misogynists, obviously- but for the rest of us, that’s clearly unjust.

PixieandMe · 21/10/2025 14:53

I think full time with such young children must be exhausting. Yes, I know most people do that nowadays but it does seem a shame that your husband wouldn't consider maybe 3 or 4 days a week?

I am mortgage-free myself but I still work full time as does my partner. But my dc are young adults. I do not plan to decrease my hours or stop working until I have to as I do enjoy my job.

2025VibeandThrive · 21/10/2025 14:54

I reduced my hours when we paid off the mortgage. DH was fully on board but remained FT (his choice). Maybe you could compromise and drop a day or similar and he could do the same? The idea of quitting altogether does seem rather extreme.

gamerchick · 21/10/2025 14:54

It's fine for him to say no OP.

But it's obvious the division of labour is a bit uneven. So that needs a proper conversation. Is he pulling his weight at home?

childofthe607080s · 21/10/2025 14:55

You need to work on your balance

perhaps you both give up a day a week

perhaps you use some of the spare cash for help in the home

perhaps see your doctor - you should not be shattered with what is just normaL life. Perhaps you just need to take a day or two leave to rest up a little

its unreasonable to expect someone to pay for you - the pressure and responsibility is exhausting

SurferRona · 21/10/2025 14:55

Yes, he is right.

Wildgoat · 21/10/2025 14:55

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/10/2025 14:40

I think people are being a bit nasty to you OP, probably because they are jealous that you are mortgage free.

It sounds like you both work full time but you are also doing all the child and house related stuff because he earns more - is that right?

I think that may be where you both are going wrong.

You both have the same number of hours in the day, so you both need to be working for the same number with the same amount of totally free time. Sounds like at the moment your working hours are far outstripping his because he’s working one job and you’re working two + a bit more (paid work, children = two jobs, and housework being the bit more).

You and he either need to-

divide childcare and household tasks so that they are evenly split - genuinely so
you cut down your paid working hours so that your hours of overall work equal his.

It’s a total red herring that his wages and “stock” have paid off the mortgage and fund more of the bills - you’re both equally human and deserve the same time to rest.

I’m mortgage free so not jealous and I’d be furious if my husband suggested he gave up work as he was knackered and I had to keep working ro pay for everything, fuck that.

he’s right, relying on one income is never advisable. Howver he should pull his weight based on the hours they both work and the commute.