Mortgage free but DH wont let me give up work

[ChristmasSpirit99]

Hi all,
Just looking for advice. We are very fortunate to recently become mortgage free, due to a mix of my husbands savings, stocks & wage. We both work full time & are older parents… we have 2.5 & 3.5 year olds who are at nursery. Im generally shattered working full time & looking after kids when we have them, I asked my husband if I could give up work as we dont really need my salary. He got extremely annoyed & said absolutely not, the spare cash is needed for major works on the house & the kids futures. It was only due to his hard work that we’re here. Im just annoyed & disappointed, what do you think? Is he right? Xx

Do you pay into a work pension or private pension ?

If you are 40, your state retirement age will probably be 67 or 68

How will you fund your children, hobbies, socialising, retirement ?

Nor is forcing her to work FT and do most of the childcare, but that doesn’t seem to concern you.

If she doesn’t agree with his disagreement he has to come up with a compromise.

Exactly.

Even if he earns a lot more, it sounds like you're pretty financially stable, therefore I would want a conversation about you both reducing hours - possibly by a day each - and sharing the load at home better. Could be good for everyone

I do the lionshare of the kids stuff but Im permanently exhausted hence I wanted a few days to myself (selfish I know)

Not selfish at all. Sounds like he has cake and eats it too.

Why doesn't he do his fair share of kids stuff? Housework? Cooking?

Your last couple of lines is a huge “however” though.

This man clearly thinks the OP has to keep working ft and do everything else whilst he can just work ft.

So he’s not “right” - he seems to think the OP is some kind of robot/ appliance or slave to get the very most out of!

If you have surplus income I would keep working and use it to fund help like a cleaner, a babysitter once a week, etc. That would help ease the burden on both you and your DH.

Sound crazy just for own financial independence and well-being if nothing else, do you share non work work …domestic chores etc….?

You’re getting shitty responses probably driven by envy.

in your circumstances I’d definitely want to stay at home and I’m so glad that when my DC were young we were able to create a scenario where we always had one parent at home or at least part time.

you need to explore why your DH doesn’t want you to give up work. Is he worried about losing the income? Or does he want to share the opportunity to work less? Perhaps he is worried about the stress of being the sole earner.

those are valid reasons, which should be discussed.

you also need to ensure he’s pulling his weight with chores and in your shoes I’d probably be looking at him o could increase my earnings because my guy is your DH is selfish and this is not a marriage that will last.

Some of these YABU responses show a real lack of thought. Can people really not read between the lines?
this thread won’t have helped you op, quite the contrary. I would start again with
‘husband and I both work full time but I also do the lions share of childcare of our toddlers /housework. He seems to think this is my job. I am absolutely exhausted. His income is enough to support us all, as long as we keep it tight. I would like to go part time to keep on top of it all, but he is saying no.’
answers - completely and utterly different to those above, unless the incels are still around.

It’s a shame some posters were so nasty to the OP at the outset that she hasn’t come back.

Tell him that he can only do his job because you are doing everything else and you won’t do it anymore. Give him a list of 50% of the chores for kids and house including drop offs, pick ups, bedtimes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking days off when they are sick etc. And if he says he can’t do his half because of his important job then let him find a solution for his 50%.
He can pay for a cleaner, a nanny, a gardener, someone to do laundry etc or he can have a reasonable discussion with you about the best solution for your family which might mean you stopping work until the kids are older or going part time etc.
This is a DH problem!

Men are not the boss, obviously. But women can't just opt out of financial responsibilities simply because they feel like it.

Assuming they both work similar hours, the OP has a right to demand that her H does 50% of the housework and childcare. She doesn't have the right to demand that he works to fund her lifestyle choices.

Try reading my comment, it isn’t very long. I have suggested that the compromise on days and that she works part time.

Ye, it’s a shame the wrong posters respond to a thread first.

why don't you both go part time and spend more time with the children.

Or yes, your DH needs to do more of the child care.

OP it was crazy to pay off the mortgage when you need funds for repairs to the house, holidays etc. If your DH is a high earner then why doesn't he have a financial advisor? There are many better ways to make your money work for you than paying off the mortgage.

Going back to your question, yes, why not reduce your days to 4 or even 3 while the children are small. But I wouldn't recommend giving up work entirely.

I did. You seem to have missed my emphasis. You said as her DH doesn’t disagree so she has to come up with a comprise - my point was that he does not hold the definitive veto and he can come up with a compromise himself.

@Londonmummy66 totally agree with this perspective on situation, if not then be a sahm, nothing wrong in bringing up your own children 24/7 in my opinion.

It does not seem as though you arecworkibg as actual here.
My children are now grown up, but we worked together to take account of the needs of every family member.
Both professionals, my OH was working full time and I was working part time. We had 3 DC. His job became very stressful and we agreed he would reduce his hours, I would up mine and we would downsize to wipe out mortgage. A big step that we discussed with the children even the smallest one. They were all in board with it even though it meant sacrifices for us all.
Some years later I had the opportunity to retrain and do what I had always wanted to and he backed me up in this even though once again we were looking at a drop jn income.
Basically we worked as a team with the aim of quality of life rather than accumulating lots of dosh.
Our AC have always said that they did not miss out and gained from being part of a family that was pulling together, making compromises between everyone's needs.
Could you not work part time?

So stand up for yourself and TELL him he needs to so 50% of the childcare as you both work the same time.

Chores and childcare is based on hours worked, not salary.

My first sentence should say "working as a team" ....

Some people spot a thread title that makes them really want to have a go at an OP I think, and barely read it before diving in.

100% agree with this.
Yet another sexist man who thinks he deserves a free slave who actually pays him for the privilege ‘coz 50/50’.

I think this is key; it's not reasonable for him to expect you to take on more of the house / child stuff and also work full time. Could you drop a day of work and use that time to get some chores done so you both have a nicer weekend?