Am I right to think people with easy babies have no idea!

[Bethymum]

I have a fussy baby, nearly 4 months and has been whinging non stop since he arrived. I feel the need to say I love him to bits but it’s exhausting and I’m now just wanting him to get older, I’ve tried so hard to be patient but I’ve run out of gas. Hearing everyone go on about how easy this stage is and to enjoy it makes me feel like I must be a rubbish mum :( but I do think his temperament is difficult. I keep trying to do normal things like take him along to meals, walks in the park etc but it’s just never enjoyable and I feel awful after

I do think all babies are different, and all have their time! You're definitely not a rubbish mum x

Ok hear you. My first was an easy baby, and I really enjoyed it. I always knew that I was having it easy though. My second was more tricky. 10 years later, I had my third and was so excited to have a first born experience again and sit in the sofa eating biscuits and feeding. She was and is such a difficult baby. I became scared of her 😅

I always knew I’d had it easy but living a difficult baby was very humbling

It's hard because you're still healing and you're exhausted. It's easier than when they're toddlers because they stay where you put them (but they might not be happy about it). It's hard because they can't communicate clearly and can do so little for themselves.

I found it got progressively easier even if I was still absolutely knackered

Don't feel awful, it's a baby.
Have you got any help?

So many people have a mother or sister who takes the baby for a few hours, an evening, even a night! It makes such a massive difference.

The main thing is not to become isolated. That's why many women go to baby groups - they bring absolutely NOTHING to the baby, but they meet other mums.

Don't compare with others - all kids have different stage, and also.. mums lie 😂. Not always realising it, but " a baby sleeping through the night" might mean actually sleeping without waking up for one, while for the other it means slept with only 2 bottle feeds and a nappy change.

Don't compare.

Don't bother going to meals with him, or not alone with no one else to take him from you, keep walking in parks and go outside, for your own sanity and give him fresh air.

I think you’re right. I currently work as a maternity/night nanny and there are many, many different temperaments of baby available…a fussy baby does make things much harder. I’ve seen mums on their knees with exhaustion just from trying to placate a baby that doesn’t have an easygoing temperament.

When I had my own I was more prepared but he was easy- barely cried, could take him anywhere, sleep not great but he was rarely grumpy unless sick or teething.

You have my sympathy because I know how much harder it could have been. I have a lot of empathy for mums who don’t have that kind of baby. Parents who do don’t realise how much harder it could be.

It’s ok to need a bit of help though. And I will say that those who have it comparatively easy now may not always. I have an impossible and obstinate four year old off the back of my easy baby (he’s still a joy, but harder now!) and contrary to popular belief he had no terrible twos. I didn’t foresee the shift into teenager/four year old at all 😅🤦🏻‍♀️)

YANBU

None of us can understand the reality for people struggling with things we haven't experienced.

Those with easy babies can't understand your reality. If your baby is healthy you won't understand the reality of having a medically complex baby. If all these babies were conceived easily, none of the parents will understand the reality of someone struggling to have a baby at all. If you're financially secure you won't understand the reality of parenting on the breadline and so on and so on.

We can try our best to understand, but none of us will ever really know what it's like to live something that we haven't lived. It's best if we all accept that and stop beating up ourselves and other people for not understanding something that we have no experience of.

My eldest was the same, and my mum's friends with "easy" babies really didn't understand.

If that makes you feel better, tables turned when their kids got into the terrible 2s territory! My son was getting easier as his language developed, his tantrums actually decreased in frequency and intensity between 1 and 2yo.

My second was a super easy baby and adorable 1 yo, but is a nightmare now that she's 2.

My older DD did not sleep for more than half an hour at a time day or night for the first 14 weeks of her life, meaning I did not sleep for more than 20ish minutes at a time in that period. I had a mentally abusive husband who had tried to force me to have an abortion and a family who were too busy and judgemental to help me. I was suicidal and actively planning suicide and taking my DD with me.

I didn't really have anyone I felt I could talk to because other people couldn't understand what living with a baby like this was like. I loved my DD beyond anything but it was so hard. Fortunately at 14 weeks it was like a switch flipped for her.she started sleeping, stopped crying all the time and I regularly cried with relief that things changed.

If you can please get some help because this is exhausting mentally and physically. I was sure I must be the problem but then DD 2 was born and was a very easy baby by comparison. I hope your baby is nearly through this stage. You'll look back and realise what a marvel you were to have got through it all.

Some friends of ours thought we were being neurotic first time parents and overstating how difficult DC1 was as a baby. Then they met her!
Every stage can be hard but the thing to remember is it's all just a phase, things will change. Some things get easier, some get harder but then they change again.

All I can say is that it’ll get easier; everything is just a phase. Did you notice any reduction in the whinging after 12 weeks? I find that they get a bit more settled after 12 weeks and again around 6 months. By the time they’re a year old they only really cry when tired/poorly.

Are there any signs that baby might be struggling with anything? Tongue tie, reflux, allergy etc?

Yes, but they aren't aware of the difficulties a velcro DC brings.
My DD was the best baby, she fed very little, never fussed, never cried, her health nurse was concerned as she hadn't cried by 12 weeks.
6 years later, DS was born, he cried non stop the first night on the ward, never stopped, he had to be held all the time, had to be rocked, I couldn't wee, I felt terrible because I wasn't able to help or bond with him.
I'm still a bit traumatised 10 years later. He is still a difficult DC, very negative and demanding. Some days I feel like a cheerleader.
In his defence, he had severe sensory issues, feeding issues, erratic fears, allergies, he was sent for assessments aged 3.
He was about 5 when he stop crying all day. 😲
Don't get me wrong, I adore him now and have a deeper understanding of his world.

I could totally have written this at 3/4 months! He was just constantly pooing and crying, such an unhappy little man and I never enjoyed taking him anywhere. So much sympathy! But then by 6 months DS turned into the loveliest happiest most chilled out baby, he is the envy of my antenatal class pals. So you never know what’s coming, sending strength 💪

DC1 was a dream, DC2 was a fussy, clingy, sad little thing (diagnosed with CMPA at 11 months) and DC3 was born with a rare genetic condition diagnosed at about 2 weeks old so was in NICU, had an NG feeding tube for the first year, had lots and lots and lots of additional appointments / paperwork / medical interventions that we didn't have with the first two DC.

DC3 was / is also globally delayed, didn't cry at all [which sounds like a blessing especially as we had already had a crier but it wasn't. We wanted DC3 to cry!!] and basically did nothing much for their first 6 months. Yet I was pumping every 3 hours day and night as they required tube feeding every few hours etc.

I have had the whole spectrum of experiences with my 3!

My first was a really difficult baby, so I know exactly what you mean! However, she was a very easy toddler and has continued to be easy right up to teenage years. My second was a super easy baby, but a nightmare toddler and is still hard work now she is older 😂

My middle child was grumpy bugger too who has somehow turned into most chill teen on the planet. I'd take him to the GP to rule out any intolerances first but unfortunately some babies are just hard work no matter what you do. You probably hear it all the time, but it does get better. One hour/day at a time and try and soak in the rare moments of peace and happiness. Good luck

My first was a velco baby - family insited it was my fault - at 19 she was finally diagonsed with ADHD and few other things. Thing got easier when I accepted she was going to be stuck to me and finally found a useful sling.

What made it worse was next baby was super chill - could hand to anyone - very hard toddler and child but mostly easier teen.

Third like first very clingy whihc did stop the well you made DD1 that was as a baby as she was so similar. Much easier child and teen though than DD1.

I think having the hardest baby first helped long term - I had friend who has super chilled baby with first she knew that but next was complet opposite and she said it's different knowing that first was easy and having to live and deal with second being more a normal baby.

Maybe do thing you can enjoy and less what you feel you "should" - meals out weren't really a possiblity with mine - bit older nearer one they were fine. Long walks were for getting them to sleep at 4 months. Maybe your trying to do things too soon with your baby's temperment.

If I’d had my second first, he’d had been an only child.

Parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint.

”Easy” babies sometimes turn out to be difficult toddlers and vice versa.

Both my two were very hard work all the way up until they started school. They’ve been pretty much delightful ever since, including the teen years.

Now that our kids are late teens, I’m sure my friend with two “easy” babies would tell you that my parenting journey has been much, much easier than hers. And in fact continues to be.

The first years are really tough, but stick in there!

Sending unMumsnetty hugs.

I do think all babies are different- and I think all mums are too.

We always got told DS was "an easy baby" which used to frustrate me. He slept and ate well ans was mostly chilled but I still struggled with adapting.

Rather than say people with "easy babies" have no idea (which i do think is slightly insulting) , I would instead say having a baby is a big adjustment and everyone is doing their best to manage that adjustment.

Don’t underestimate how hard it is to have a difficult baby. My son nearly drove me to the point of insanity with how utterly miserable and difficult he was as a baby, and it was only made worse by other people (my Mum particularly) insisting that all babies were like him, and that I was just overreacting and finding it difficult because I was a first time Mum.

It was absolute bollocks, he was just far more difficult than lots of babies but I really believed it was all my fault. I broke down in tears at his ten month Health Visitor review when the lovely HV, having just observed the two of us together playing for a while, said ‘I can see that he is a very demanding baby, and that he has taken a lot out of you’.

The fact that she was the only person who was validating what I bloody well knew was true was so important for me, and I stopped doubting myself so much or wondering when things would change after that.

As it went, he became a different child when he could mobilise properly and has been a generally very content and easy toddler and child since then but my experience means that I will never question the experience of somebody who is having a difficult time with their baby.

I'm considering having my third. It will be 8 years after having my first and I had a slightly tricky first then comically easy second, so I fear I am owed a grumpy one.

It’s the same with older kids , I had one very tricky baby and then tricky toddler and is still difficult 12 years later. I just don’t make chilled out kids 🤷‍♀️ , I have 3 dcs.
One literally slept like a newborn for around 4 years -no exaggeration. I did everything, excellent routine , no bad habits, cut naps , increased naps, gp, check for allergies etc etc , didn’t make the slightest bit of difference. Nothing worked.
I had absolutely no support bar my dh with any of my kids. There was a lot of crying and irritability for years. One of my babies was very chilled as a baby and I could literally take him anywhere and he’d sleep anywhere but more work once older from 5 onwards.
I have all boys and I’m convinced boys are more difficult when younger but I’ll be told otherwise probably and it might well just me my situation 😂 But 90 percent of things I read on mn about difficult , very hyper toddlers all turn out to be boys … but some aspects are getting easier but there’s always challenges. My kids are all extremely argumentative with us , if there was a wall they’d argue with it but we aren’t at all as a couple so I can’t stand when people harp on about kids mirroring what they see.

Two of mine are completely unacademic and one is very academic. Both my dh and I went to university, speak more than two languages and are massively into reading, two of mine have absolutely no interest whatsoever despite me reading/going to libraries to them from day dot .
Also don’t get me started on the “we are chilled so our baby is chilled”. It’s completely chicken and egg , if your child constantly cries and screams and doesn’t sleep it’s completely exhausting and makes you extremely stressed, you can’t be chilled. Also major slow clap to people who say their kids sleep on the go and they went hiking in the Himalayas and their two toddlers and babies loved every second and sleep on the way.
Some babies/children are just way easier than others , some are really really challenging .
Some older kids are very quiet and passive , I simply don’t make these type of kids at all. I loved sleep , I’m quite introverted and quiet , my kids are all older now and still on the go all the time!! I feel like unless in extreme cases so much stuff is nature and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I absolutely agree though with a pp , I do see now that my kids are older they are really sociable , active , outgoing and get on well with everyone, have a lot of “get up and go” and I do notice my friends who had “easy” passive babies have different struggles now they are teens and it’s very hard on some of them now . My kids are all invited to things, are involved in clubs and have a lot of confidence to go on trips and speak up etc . I was very quiet and nervous when young and as result had a very difficult teenage time and very difficult early 20’s. I wish I’d had more confidence and self confidence , I was very passive and very introverted and I missed opportunities. But I slept like a log and actually wanted to sleep a lot!
Sorry @Bethymum I’m waffling on but I know exactly what it’s like to have an irritable, crying baby all the time and to think you’re doing everything wrong . You really aren’t , it’s simply the baby you have and it will get better. Your friends just have an easier baby , it’s nothing they are doing.

You're right OP, I had two easy babies and thought I was a great parent, then DC3 showed me that it had little to do with my parenting! He's now a lovely teen though.

Yep! I actually had a friend apologise to me after she had DC2 because she just couldn't fathom with DC1 why I was finding it so hard. Turns out some babies are harder than others!

My first was a whingey, clingy baby. He couldn't be put down for a minute. My best friend had twins around the same time and hers were so easy, I know she felt sorry for me. I only realised how difficult DS1 had been as a baby when I had my second and third, who were so easy going. It's all about temperament.

Just to add, DS1 is an adult now and the easiest going of all my children, so what they are like as babies doesn't necessarily reflect on how they'll be later.