Am I right to think people with easy babies have no idea!

[Bethymum]

I have a fussy baby, nearly 4 months and has been whinging non stop since he arrived. I feel the need to say I love him to bits but it’s exhausting and I’m now just wanting him to get older, I’ve tried so hard to be patient but I’ve run out of gas. Hearing everyone go on about how easy this stage is and to enjoy it makes me feel like I must be a rubbish mum :( but I do think his temperament is difficult. I keep trying to do normal things like take him along to meals, walks in the park etc but it’s just never enjoyable and I feel awful after

My older 2 were great babies and sunny toddlers and my youngest was a lovely baby. Rarely cried and was a joy. I was totally smug until youngest hit 2 and became a monster and didn’t improve much until he was 20.

My daughter (now 18 months) was challenging as a baby - cried a lot, wouldn't be put down, struggled to feed, always bored and grumpy. I would get so upset looking at my mum friends and their "easy" babies. BUT the tables have now turned and many of them are now struggling in toddlerhood whilst my DD is generally a delight!! Things can change fast!

It can be very hard because it's usually the people with the easy babies who give you advice like "I'm a chill person so that's why my baby is calm and sleeps through the night so you should just be more relaxed". My chap was next level cranky I had to wear ear plugs for months to cope with the screaming. It took him a long time to settle down and he can still be a crank but he's a lot easier to manage now. Hang in there and take breaks when you can you're doing brilliant ❤️

I've got 3.
1st born was a nightmare, up every 1 1/2-2 hours. Didn't sleep through till 13 months. Won't even talk about teething, Was allergic to his milk I was knackered.
2nd she was the dream baby. Sleep 10/12 hours from 6 Weeks, she was amazing didn't grumble at her teeth or anything.
3rd she was poorly on and off for months, slept terribly varying from 2-5 hours so a little better than first. But I hardly slept for the 1st 6 months panicking about sids etc, etc. Was awful during teething and just generally hard work. Had the odd night of sleeping through at around a year and a half. But it's only in the last 3/4 months (she's nearly 2 and half) that she pretty much sleeps all night but it is later on she goes to bed. And in my bed by all accounts, she hated her cot, she moves so much and I think a lot of it was her banging herself on the side of it and waking up!

I promise it does get better OP you just have to go easy on yourself. There's no right of wrong, every baby is different xx

Definitely, people with easy babies have no idea. Their advice is the worst too as its so unrelatable.

It took me nearly 10 years to fully recover from my 'difficult' baby and feel up to having another.

I was one of those people who didn't get it.. my babies didn't sleep / would cry but were generally ok. I thought it was to do with me being amazing (not really but I felt lucky for sure).
Then one day I looked after my friends newborn for an hour and suddenly felt lick such a prick... she was the hardest baby to look after and 1 hour later I was done.

Not going to lie, if I'd had my last baby first I would not have had any more.

Can imagine how hard it could be, just as I can imagine what it would be like to be rich, but I still really have no idea

My son was the same, I still feel cheated when I see friends and relatives with chill babies who actually nap and don’t spend 80% of their awake time screaming. We haven’t had a second simply because I’m not willing to risk it again.

I did find it got better each time he met a new big milestone- sitting, crawling, walking, talking. Basically every time he gained a bit more independent ability to either get what he wanted or tell me what it was. In hindsight it was definitely “less shit” rather than actually being good each time that happened, but at the time it felt like life was improving dramatically.

I am sure you can imagine enough not to come up with saying go on about how easy this stage is and to enjoy it

I found my first hard in the typical newborn way, but my second was another level.
He was lovely until around about 4 months, and then he didn’t stop whinging and griping and moaning and crying etc until he was around 18 months. Then it very, very slowly got better.
He’s 3 and 10 months now and mostly wonderful. A really happy little chap. He gets properly frustrated at his short comings still and that’s why I think he HATED being a baby.

All babies/toddlers have their time. Some are easy babies and absolutely terrible toddlers!

As a mum of 4, all babies are different my 1st had cleft lip and palate and talipes, 2nd was how you describe, 3rd was awful 1st few weeks then my 4th was easier. all stages are different im now going into teen years.
Have you got anyone you can learn on for support? Xx

I feel this.

I had a baby a couple of years before my best friend had her first. Mine was an absolute nightmare baby who wouldn’t settle, couldn’t sleep and screamed a lot. He also crawled and walked very early.

When she had her first a couple of years later, he was a dream baby - so easy, slept solidly, napped nicely, rarely cried, ate everything. Portable, didn’t crawl until he was a year old so couldn’t get into much trouble, responded well to routines etc. She was soooooo smug about it and told everyone that he was so easy because she’d got him into a routine in the first fortnight. I just inwardly rolled my eyes and thought “whatever.” Anyway, she had number 2 a few years later and he was just like mine was - absolute nightmare. She had a full on breakdown over it and apologised for being so smug. If someone is lucky enough to only ever have had easy babies they can never understand how hard a more difficult baby can be. Solidarity - it’l was bloody hard work.

My first was insanely difficult , and 4 years later he is still more challenging than my 5 month old is. The difference is unbelievable. I truly feel like I could do a long haul flight with my baby alone.

I agree with @HeartyStork My first was just so difficult, I couldn't believe it; my second average; my last, I had to poke him to make sure he was still alive, he was so calm. It could be adjusting to your own expectations you set for yourself, don't listen to what anyone else says about there baby not being fussy ' being good', it varies so much and a 'good' baby can also change into a terror just when you think you have it sorted. It is no reflection on you.

I will keep referring to this thread during my low moments. It’s hard not to feel isolated because my two closest friends have babies of the same age they are so relaxed, and thr babies I see out seem to be the same. Thirst if probably because people with difficult babies are more likely to avoid certain set ups, but I’ll keep trying and hopefully I’ll wake up one day and things will just be that little bit easier. I think he is a determined boy who wants to do everything now, and is also easily irritated and communicates that!

I sympathise so much OP, I remember looking around cafes etc at people sitting with babies just chilling on their laps, gently falling asleep sucking a dummy etc and thinking Jesus, mine would NEVER do that. She had to be asleep for me to be able to be anywhere like a cafe/restaurant/out shopping etc really so I had to plan everything around those times.

It really is difficult as it makes it so much harder to fill the day.

My first two babies where chilled out and very easy babies-could be given to anyone and barely noticed if I was there or not

And then I pushed my luck and had no3

I've never had anything like it-i had bad pnd and a velcro baby who had to be held at all times or he'd scream

I couldn't even be out of his line of sight or the screaming would start

My mother didnt help by telling me I was doing it all wrong and it was my fault and that I had to 'figure out what I was doing wrong all by myself'

I joke that people have their 'before I had my first baby' and 'after I had my first baby'

Mine is no3-life before him and life after him

He's 25 now and I know that if he could rip me open and climb inside he would-it did get a bit better when he started nursery at 3 years old but not by much

Sods law is hes a dad himself now and has the most chilled baby in the world!

I'm not ashamed to admit he broke me as a baby and ill never get my old self back-i love,worship and adore him but he was awful when he was tiny

TW - baby loss

My DC was an insanely difficult baby and toddler.

I got through it without ever feeling it reflected badly on me or my parenting, for three reasons:

1. I’d been a famously difficult baby - I’m nearly 50 now and my whole family still talks all the time about what a nightmare baby I was - and I turned out fine. I was also the world’s most quiet and compliant child and teenager (if a bit morose at times).
2. My mother went on to have a very easy second baby, having done nothing differently. He turned out fine, too. Eventually. (His teenage years were WILD)
3. I’d had a previous mothering experience that showed me just how much of life is down to chance.

My first baby died during labour, due to an umbilical cord accident. I was stunned by how many people kept looking for reasons it had happened that were to do with my having done something wrong. Because there’s such a pervasive fantasy that if you do all the right things, everything will be easy and OK.

When my second was born I was just so relieved and delighted that he’d survived. I didn’t compare my early motherhood experience to other people’s, as I already felt like I was living in an alternate maternity universe & had zero expectations.

I did look at other people with their easy babies, smugly assuming they were doing everything right, and while I’d never begrudge them their confidence, I did think ‘you have no idea how much of all of this, and all of everything, is beyond our control’

And so while I was exhausted and often frustrated and wanted to puke with tiredness, I never once felt like a shit mum - because I knew that I was doing my best, and being attuned and responsive.

And I knew it was ridiculous to be expected to savour every moment of colicky screaming and sleep deprivation, and it didn’t mean I was a bad person that I sometimes needed a break or missed my old life and freedom.

Like when I lost my first baby, people were keen to find reasons why my second baby’s non-sleepingness was my fault - one sleep trainer told me my baby was traumatised from having developed in my ‘haunted womb’! Quite what I was meant to do about that I don’t know.

There’s so much guff out there that assumes babies aren’t separate people in their own right, but perfect reflections of their mothers’ goodness and purity and conscientiousness.

It’s bollocks!

My advice - if there are any particular people making you feel shit about your parenting or your baby, or offering you endless advice you know won’t work for you, just ditch them.

They don’t get it, they’re very invested in not getting it, they will never be helpful or reassuring people to speak to about any of this. It will just piss you off and leave you feeling defensive and sad and alienated, and you need to protect your energy.

On that note, steer clear of the highly anxious new parents as well, as they will want to pull you into their vortex of fear. You don’t need that either.

You'll get through this! It’s not always fun or fulfilling - just like anything else in life!

When people want you to savour every moment, it’s just their own nostalgia and/or weird regret. It’s all to do with them and their stuff. Just ignore it.

Hang in there, and don’t let the bastards get you down. ❤️

YANBU. DC1 was SUCH a tricky baby. I had a thread on here and lots of kind words. He’s still quite a “handful” now as a pre-schooler, despite very consistent parenting, boundaries, etc.

DC2 is much more chilled and like the babies my friends had for DC1. I can plonk her in the bouncer and she’ll just sit there and play! No chance with DC1, who would’ve screamed and screamed!

Some good advice.

Honestly OP you definitely are not on your own. It's a learning curve for sure I've got big gaps between mine as well. 17,11 and 2 and all their personalities are so different too.

But as they've growing in to such wonderful humans, you'll forgot how miserable you were on the sleepless nights and I often sit in amazement, that I grew my three beautiful humans, maybe with a little help from dad, but mostly me haha. I can honestly say they are the best decisions I've ever made.

But if you are struggling don't be afraid to ask for help. Sending you a hug 🤗

Oh OP I hear you so much! 4months was a horrible horrible time for me too and I nearly had a breakdown from lack of sleep I had to get my mum to come and help for a bit!!! I hated the whole first 2 years tbh, I was so stressed all the time that he would cry and be unhappy when out and about and I felt embarrassed when everyone stared and not sure if I was doing things right. I only started enjoying it when he started talking more and doing more fun things like biking and running about. It defo gets better, hang on in there. School is much more fun, I know it’s a long time away but hopefully it’s good to know it’s all worth it in the end!

I've had 2 fussy babies out of 4, one has cystic fibrosis and the other has ADHD. Of course, many babies are fussy without any medical reason. Enlist the help of your partner and get some rest as much as possible.