Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH sleeping on sofa to avoid crying baby

136 replies

Thisuserwilldo · 21/10/2025 09:10

Can I ask for your thoughts on this please:

-DH and I have a DS who is now over 1
-He has never slept through the night, but has improved a bit waking once or twice only, with the odd awful night with multiple wake ups
-He is in a cot and comes in with us if/when we can’t settle him back (which is often)

DH is now saying he is struggling to cope at work with the sleep deprivation so on the two days where I am not working in the week, he has decided he should sleep on the sofa on the prior nights to ensure he is fresh for work. I then look after DS the following day.

We don’t have a spare bedroom other than where DS sleeps.

Do you think this is fair or DH should help on those two nights too? He is great at all other times I should say

OP posts:
ByeByeThyroid · 21/10/2025 09:12

do you get 2 days off when he’s off work ?

Agix · 21/10/2025 09:12

Do you work too?

Bineganzeameendee · 21/10/2025 09:14

Agix · 21/10/2025 09:12

Do you work too?

She works 3 days, it's right there in the OP.

I think it's fair to be honest, @Thisuserwilldo , you have those 2 days off to nap if you need to

Original poster
Thisuserwilldo · 21/10/2025 09:15

Agix · 21/10/2025 09:12

Do you work too?

Yea the other three weekdays

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 21/10/2025 09:15

I think for the sake of everyone, including your child, you should sleep train your one year old and try to get everyone a better night's sleep

curious79 · 21/10/2025 09:15

Honestly, I think it’s just pragmatic. It’s one thing walking round with a one-year-old in a blurred state of sleep deprivation, it’s quite another putting in a full day of work. That’s not to say you’re not working but it is possible, as we all know, to be zombie like and parent a child.

Is it worth co sleeping with him for awhile, getting a little bed that sits at the foot of yours or by the side? Maybe he feels lonely? I slept with my daughter for a long time. And before everyone leaps in, co sleeping is perfectly normal in many many cultures.

curious79 · 21/10/2025 09:15

Honestly, I think it’s just pragmatic. It’s one thing walking round with a one-year-old in a blurred state of sleep deprivation, it’s quite another putting in a full day of work. That’s not to say you’re not working but it is possible, as we all know, to be zombie like and parent a child.

Is it worth co sleeping with him for awhile, getting a little bed that sits at the foot of yours or by the side? Maybe he feels lonely? I slept with my daughter for a long time. And before everyone leaps in, co sleeping is perfectly normal in many many cultures.

Original poster
Thisuserwilldo · 21/10/2025 09:16

LapinR0se · 21/10/2025 09:15

I think for the sake of everyone, including your child, you should sleep train your one year old and try to get everyone a better night's sleep

We have done training which saw the initial improvements as it was previously hellish night after night. It’s more challenging now as he can stand against the side of the cot and will stay there for as long as is needed until picked up.

OP posts:
Mandylovescandy · 21/10/2025 09:17

What happens when he wakes? While wake ups were still for a feed I did them all and had no issue with DP sleeping in another room as no point in us both being tired and he couldn't really help. Once we were past that stage and wake ups were less regular he definitely did his fair share. I think it is fine but agree it might be good to see if you all can work to improve the sleeping through

2Rebecca · 21/10/2025 09:17

Age 1 I would be sleep training.

YodasHairyButt · 21/10/2025 09:17

LapinR0se · 21/10/2025 09:15

I think for the sake of everyone, including your child, you should sleep train your one year old and try to get everyone a better night's sleep

There you go OP, problem solved.
🙄

TheatricalLife · 21/10/2025 09:18

I'd not have an issue with it. If he's struggling, I'd rather him have two nights to catch up. Maybe you can get a lay in at the weekends when he gets up?

LapinR0se · 21/10/2025 09:19

Can the baby go in a different room?
If he is standing in his cot looking at you, I agree it's difficult to sleep train. But it's not impossible.

LapinR0se · 21/10/2025 09:20

YodasHairyButt · 21/10/2025 09:17

There you go OP, problem solved.
🙄

Show quote history

Actually yes, it would solve the problem.

Katemax82 · 21/10/2025 09:21

Could you sleep in the baby's room? Get a little bed or mattress. I did with all mine barr no.4 (we don't have another room!)

GarlicBreadStan · 21/10/2025 09:22

LapinR0se · 21/10/2025 09:20

Actually yes, it would solve the problem.

Show quote history

Not necessarily. I tried sleep training my son and it made it worse. Yes, I did persevere. I tried for months. I was still getting only 1 hour of sleep per night because he would scream the house down no matter what I tried.

YodasHairyButt · 21/10/2025 09:23

LapinR0se · 21/10/2025 09:20

Actually yes, it would solve the problem.

Show quote history

It’s really not that simple though is it? And as the OP has said, she has tried. She didn’t ask for advice on how to get the baby to sleep better, she’s asking whether it’s fair for DH to sleep separately for two nights a week.

Bitzee · 21/10/2025 09:26

I agree with PP that with a 1YO I would definitely be looking to sleep train and/or hire a sleep consultant. But that’s up to you of course! If it is typically 1 wake per night then really it doesn’t make sense that you both respond to it so I think it’s fairly pragmatic that he takes the opportunity to sleep elsewhere 2 nights a week so long as you get the opportunity to do the same. So from now on I’d take yourself to sleep on the sofa once a week, probably at the weekend since he clearly struggles at work after a bad night, and catch up on sleep. If your toddler is still breastfed then he can bring them to you for that and then take away to settle upstairs in the bedroom.

Original poster
Thisuserwilldo · 21/10/2025 09:36

LapinR0se · 21/10/2025 09:19

Can the baby go in a different room?
If he is standing in his cot looking at you, I agree it's difficult to sleep train. But it's not impossible.

Yeah he’s already in a different room so can’t see us.

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 21/10/2025 09:42

I’d leave him standing in his cot until he gets bored and lies back down. But I am very very tough on sleep because sleep deprivation is bad for every part of health - yours, the family’s and the baby’s.

Strangesally20 · 21/10/2025 09:43

Honestly I think this is fair and reasonable. Presumably your DS still naps a fair bit during the day once or twice at just turned one. You can nap with him and catch up on sleep as you’re off. The alternative is his work suffers which could end up impacting you all financially.

I had (have!) a similarly poor sleeping DS who is now 2.5, he came into our bed every night and it wasn’t working for anyone. I bought him a small double floor bed in his room when he was 9 months old and I just joined him in there from the first wake up. It worked really well for everyone, I got a better sleep as more room with just me and the baby, DH could sleep for work the next day and DS slept so much better with me in beside him. I will say though we are still doing this at 2.5 which was never really the plan but I don’t have the energy to change it given it works for everyone and everyone gets sleep!

arethereanyleftatall · 21/10/2025 09:48

Just on the poll - you’ve popped two conflicting options in your one question, so the poll is meaningless.

I think this is fair, he is helping all the other times.

some people see sleep training as ‘cruel’. You could argue the opposite - that not ever getting a proper sleep is cruel.

PersephoneParlormaid · 21/10/2025 09:48

I’d put a single bed in the child’s room for him to sleep in on those nights, DS can go in it when he’s old enough.

IThinkPink · 21/10/2025 09:48

Well what’s the alternative if you can’t/wont look into suggestions of sleep training?

your DH loses his job due to poor performance because you think it’s unfair he sleeps….. he’s identified the struggle….could you afford to be without his income?

GarlicBreadStan · 21/10/2025 09:53

arethereanyleftatall · 21/10/2025 09:48

Just on the poll - you’ve popped two conflicting options in your one question, so the poll is meaningless.

I think this is fair, he is helping all the other times.

some people see sleep training as ‘cruel’. You could argue the opposite - that not ever getting a proper sleep is cruel.

Even though I tried it when my son was a year old, I do think it's cruel now that I'm older. How would you feel if you were vulnerable and someone left you to cry for, say, longer than 5 minutes? If anyone did it to an elderly person, people would say it was abuse. So why is it different just because it's a kid?