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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH sleeping on sofa to avoid crying baby

136 replies

Thisuserwilldo · 21/10/2025 09:10

Can I ask for your thoughts on this please:

-DH and I have a DS who is now over 1
-He has never slept through the night, but has improved a bit waking once or twice only, with the odd awful night with multiple wake ups
-He is in a cot and comes in with us if/when we can’t settle him back (which is often)

DH is now saying he is struggling to cope at work with the sleep deprivation so on the two days where I am not working in the week, he has decided he should sleep on the sofa on the prior nights to ensure he is fresh for work. I then look after DS the following day.

We don’t have a spare bedroom other than where DS sleeps.

Do you think this is fair or DH should help on those two nights too? He is great at all other times I should say

OP posts:
Usernamenotav · 21/10/2025 22:43

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 21/10/2025 20:22

Woah. I'm not even pro-sleep training but this is uncalled for and anti-woman.

Show quote history

How is it anti-women?? It's anti-bad parents. Regardless of gender.

Overthewaytwice · 21/10/2025 22:52

I don't see any point in you both having a rubbish nights sleep. Can't you take turns to sleep on the sofa?

Krakinou · 21/10/2025 22:57

I know you didn’t ask for advice but here’s mine anyway.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable because he sounds like he’s not taking joint responsibility for your son’s sleep in general if his “solution” is that at least he gets to sleep.

Napping in the day is not going to make up for never getting a full nights sleep. I was in that position because my daughter would breastfeed when she got into bed with us and it stopped either of us getting proper sleep.

We put her cot mattress on the floor of her room and lay next to her till she slept. When she came into our room I got her to sleep then left her in bed with DP. I went and slept in the bed in her room. Result: we both stayed asleep all night after that.

I couldn’t do the sleep training everyone talks about because it would mean shutting her in her room and holding the door. I couldn’t do it to her.

She’s still not a brilliant sleeper at almost 3, but she’s sleeping in her own bed mostly, often all night.

CrazyGoatLady · 21/10/2025 23:52

DS1 was a good sleeper. DS2 terrible. If you can put a bed/mattress in his room, honestly, it was a lifesaver for us. We had a sofa bed in his room so one of us could sleep in with him and be there when he woke up to resettle him. I worked 3 days, DH full time, so usually I'd be in with DS2 4-5 nights, DH 2-3. DH would do the morning and get DS1 ready for school if DS2 had a bad night and I was home with him the next day, so I could sleep in a bit. We took turns at the weekend getting up with the boys so both of us got one weekend day to sleep later.

Tag teaming worked, if not ideal, because at least both of us were not totally sleep deprived at the same time. We were a bit ships in the night though and the downside was not a huge amount of "us" time. We had to adopt a bit of a siege mindset - dig in and get through it, it won't be forever type thing. And after having one terrible sleeper, we decided we were done at two DC, no more!

abbynabby23 · 22/10/2025 00:43

Thisuserwilldo · 21/10/2025 09:10

Can I ask for your thoughts on this please:

-DH and I have a DS who is now over 1
-He has never slept through the night, but has improved a bit waking once or twice only, with the odd awful night with multiple wake ups
-He is in a cot and comes in with us if/when we can’t settle him back (which is often)

DH is now saying he is struggling to cope at work with the sleep deprivation so on the two days where I am not working in the week, he has decided he should sleep on the sofa on the prior nights to ensure he is fresh for work. I then look after DS the following day.

We don’t have a spare bedroom other than where DS sleeps.

Do you think this is fair or DH should help on those two nights too? He is great at all other times I should say

That’s ok! Maybe you can ask to have Friday & Sat night off? That way it’s fair! Me and my partner alternated nights even during mat & pat leave. We had a spare room so it was easy and all our babies slept from 3 months old through the night.

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 23/10/2025 09:26

Your choice are you both wake up everytime and neither of you get sleep and are both exhausted, you split the night so you both get some sleep or you take the nights when you are off the next day and he pays you back at the weekend by taking his turn. The latter seem the best option to me, there is no point you both being tired but you also need to make sure it’s fair on you, too.

I also tried sleep training my DS and it did not work, he’d scream and scream and get himself more worked up so it took longer to calm him down. It really does not work for every child. It turned out DS has AuDHD (not necessarily true for all kids who don’t sleep well) but as both of these conditions come with sleep issues and he still has them now age 8, it makes me feel I wasn’t a total failure because I couldn’t sleep train him. DD was
much easier to get sleeping through the night in her own bed.

SoozyWoozy5 · 23/10/2025 09:31

LapinR0se · 21/10/2025 09:42

I’d leave him standing in his cot until he gets bored and lies back down. But I am very very tough on sleep because sleep deprivation is bad for every part of health - yours, the family’s and the baby’s.

This…

dahliadream · 23/10/2025 11:10

I'd be ok with this, if it helps him to function more and help more the rest of the week - but think you should be able to have a night to yourself at the weekend, or lie ins on those days.

My little girl is a preschooler now and still a bad sleeper, my husband and I will often take a night or two each a week and sleep by ourselves in the spare room for a proper uninterrupted rest. It helps us feel more human and cope with the other nights better!

TiredMummma · 23/10/2025 14:35

Sleep is entirely normal - however lack of sleep isn’t. If he gets those two nights off then you get Friday & Saturday off (or a lie in if that’s what you want). It’s fair if there is parity

Phoenixfire1988 · 23/10/2025 21:22

arethereanyleftatall · 21/10/2025 09:48

Just on the poll - you’ve popped two conflicting options in your one question, so the poll is meaningless.

I think this is fair, he is helping all the other times.

some people see sleep training as ‘cruel’. You could argue the opposite - that not ever getting a proper sleep is cruel.

Sleep training IS cruel and scientific evidence backs up the damage it does on the developing brain if sleep is more important than your child's wellbeing then don't have kids to begin with i co sleep for this very reason and everyone gets a good night's sleep ! Adults like to sleep together yet expect a tiny completely dependent infant to sleep alone its baffling !

LapinR0se · 24/10/2025 17:10

Phoenixfire1988 · 23/10/2025 21:22

Sleep training IS cruel and scientific evidence backs up the damage it does on the developing brain if sleep is more important than your child's wellbeing then don't have kids to begin with i co sleep for this very reason and everyone gets a good night's sleep ! Adults like to sleep together yet expect a tiny completely dependent infant to sleep alone its baffling !

Edited
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No, scientific evidence shows no such thing

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