DH sleeping on sofa to avoid crying baby

[Thisuserwilldo]

Can I ask for your thoughts on this please:

-DH and I have a DS who is now over 1
-He has never slept through the night, but has improved a bit waking once or twice only, with the odd awful night with multiple wake ups
-He is in a cot and comes in with us if/when we can’t settle him back (which is often)

DH is now saying he is struggling to cope at work with the sleep deprivation so on the two days where I am not working in the week, he has decided he should sleep on the sofa on the prior nights to ensure he is fresh for work. I then look after DS the following day.

We don’t have a spare bedroom other than where DS sleeps.

Do you think this is fair or DH should help on those two nights too? He is great at all other times I should say

Hmm - loving the “if you are off with the baby you can sleep when they sleep!” malarkey. At the age of 1 my dd slept for a grand total of 45 minutes in the day.

Also love the “so important he is fresh for work” malarkey. My husband is a computer programmer. He once was so tired he messed up some code and (had it not been spotted by their careful inbuilt review process) then people would have been unable to book their spin class for half an hour or so. I once was so tired I walked across a main road with the buggy without remembering to check for cars. One of these things matters and one really doesn’t.

Only one parent needs to be sleep deprived. Two of you sleep deprived is pointless.
We still take it in turns to settle the kids if they wake in the night and they still often sleep in our beds 12 years later.
So as pp have said, one of you needs to settle him in his room, stop bringing the baby into your bed. Unless you want to be us. Sleeping separately with kids that won't settle alone when they are 7 and 12!!
As you work three days and tour DH works 5 then you will have to take up the slack unfortunately.
If your DHs income is the main income then you need to protect the main income as it is keeping a roof over your heads
We have switched between my income and DH income being out main income and the priority for us is whoever is keeping the roof over our heads needs to protect their income first and foremost. But obviously it should be fair and not 100 percent on one person to do the kids stuff every single day.

We used to have a bed in DS's room, and we'd take it in turns to just put him in there with one of us as soon as he woke up the first time. He'd go to sleep, we'd go to sleep. We gave up trying to settle him because it was just too relentless and we were too tired. By about 2, he just started sleeping through.

I think if you are at home those 2 days it is fair if the rest of the time it’s 50/50 because then he does 3 you do 4 in a typical week but he works 5 days and you work 3.

If sleep training is a no, I would focus on getting a good night of sleep when he is on duty. Taking turns getting up doesn’t work imo because then everyone is tired. One person does the whole night on their turn.

Then one lie in each at the weekend. You both need a chance to rest properly. Ongoing sleep deprivation is a killer.

I actually think this is ok as long as he's pulling his weight otherwise, if he's struggling then something needs to change.

If you are struggling too, could you eg make sure DH gets up with baby every Sunday and gives you a long lie in? Or maybe you sleep on sofa that night?

Honestly one or two wake ups a night isn't too bad IME.

It's not very helpful for people to say the OP should sleep train as it's not what she is asking and i'm sure they know that sleep training exists. It is also very normal for a one year to wake up once or twice a night (obviously it can be hard ).

I think it's ok for him to sleep on the sofa on those nights that you are not working the next day and then split the nights that you are both working or both off.

Imo if you both worked 5 days it would be unfair.

I think you should each have a couple of nights where you get a decent night’s sleep - or even just split the whole week so you each get three nights “off” walking whilst the other deals with it, and perhaps split the final night time wise for the actual get ups. Or you each have three nights sleeping with earplugs if you don’t like the sofa.

There’s no point both of you getting up on any given night - that achieves nothing.

You’re working part time and then working by caring for DS the other day so both of you equally need some sleep.

Is it fair? Maybe, maybe not.

Right now you are both in the trenches. He is being open that he is at his limit with the sleep deprivation and struggling. It’s not a competition - you may be struggling too, in which case you need to delegate a couple of nights solely to him and you go sleep in the couch. Some people cope better with sleep deprivation. My partner is much better than me - I have other health issues which contribute and flare up with fatigue.

Having said all that, you both need to have a conversation and devise a plan. Is it hiring a sleep trainer? A few of my friends did, some with more success than others and some only said it was stuff they already knew but that they were too tired to put a plan together. Is it alternating couch sleeps? Is it grandparents doing one night a fortnight so that you guys can get a break?

Remember that you are meant to be in the same team so work to support each other and don’t fall into the blame game with each other.

Take turns. It's what we do with my 1 year old. Sleep training only works to a point, and at this age a lot of the sleep disturbance is due to teething or illness and it would be cruel to ignore it.

Alternatively, cosleep. My DS went through a bad stage of separation anxiety at 13 months when we came back from a big holiday. I slept with him for 4 weeks until he got back into his routine and was less anxious. It allowed me to sleep a bit more.

I would get a single bed and go and sleep with baby in their room. I love baby snuggles and co sleeping saved me for 3 dc.

Exactly - you can’t even wind down enough to get to sleep in 45 mins!

I agree re the being “fresh for work” thing. People don’t place enough importance on childcare and the need to be alert to do it - although they’d soon be annoyed if a young nursery staff member had been up all night before caring for their child!

I also think a lot of especially women drive too tired to safely do so when caring for children.

You have one child and two parents, you don’t both need to be knackered 100% of the time. He sleeps elsewhere for two nights when he has work the next day, you sleep elsewhere for two nights over the weekend. Both of you get two nights of uninterrupted sleep per week.

I think it's sensible. At that age we were having similar issues and we would take it in turns to have our bed, the other one went straight in with our little boy.

how long is as long as it takes? You mean you have actually left him there the rest of the night? Or do you swoop in after 20 minutes.
You don't sound very consistent with your sleep training. No training guide will tell you to bring the child into your bed!
No wonder DH is fed up.

Move the bassinet to the living room for 50% of evenings.

My son didn’t sleep through the night until he was 4. I eventually moved a bed into his room to avoid me needing to get up to go to his room and I slept in there. Then I realised he mind as well start sleeping in the double bed so I could avoid getting up at all. I put a bed gate up on one side, he went to sleep early and then I joined him later. When he started sleeping through the night, I put a bed gate up both sides and I started to stop going to sleep in that bed.

The best sleep training involves you not picking him up at all. Gentle pat him in a darkened room no noise or eye contact with you at all. You eventually are giving him what he wants, so of course he is going to continue until he gets what he wants - as he knows you always give it to him. He needs to know you are there but he needs to stay in his cot.
If you are not firm now it’s going to get harder for you.

If he is great the other 5 nights, then I’m afraid I don’t think he’s being particularly unreasonable here.

I would be ok with this and would aim to have a nap on my days off when the toddler naps and ask DH to swap at the weekend when he is off so I could have a night or two of undisturbed sleep each week.

I did sleep train my little boy though, as I do think everyone needs a full nights sleep each day once out of the baby phase.

It doesnt make sense for both of you to be sleep deprived. Definitely split the burden
Perhaps pop a mattress in your child's room so they get used to staying in the room and you can gradually spend less time there

If DH has to be up and out to work, then to sleep on the sofa to get a decent nights sleep seems entirely sensible to me.

Assuming he pulls his weight at other times, of course.

I think it could be fair if you get two nights of ringfenced sleep as well.

It's a pisstake to avoid 2 nights in the week and another 2 at the weekend.

Consider how you function at work - do you need some ringfenced sleep?
Or are you going to do 7 nights on with the baby and 3 days of work to his 5 days work and 5 nights with baby? Put it in numbers.

I think you should support eachother though and take ar face value that it isn't working. That doesn't mean tot for tat but it doesn't mean accepting his opening gambit.

My husbands an electrician, so the thought of him going into work on the back of a few hours sleep scares the crap out of me, so I’d always rather me do the night time wakes! I work part time from home in finance, so have the flexibility to deal with my tiredness and can squeeze a nap in using my lunchtime. He also deals with toddlers bedtime routines 6 nights out of 7, so I can go to bed early atleast if it was a crap night the previous

Mine used to come in bed with us and we all slept quite cosily.