DH sleeping on sofa to avoid crying baby

[Thisuserwilldo]

Can I ask for your thoughts on this please:

-DH and I have a DS who is now over 1
-He has never slept through the night, but has improved a bit waking once or twice only, with the odd awful night with multiple wake ups
-He is in a cot and comes in with us if/when we can’t settle him back (which is often)

DH is now saying he is struggling to cope at work with the sleep deprivation so on the two days where I am not working in the week, he has decided he should sleep on the sofa on the prior nights to ensure he is fresh for work. I then look after DS the following day.

We don’t have a spare bedroom other than where DS sleeps.

Do you think this is fair or DH should help on those two nights too? He is great at all other times I should say

Apologies for hijacking the thread but could you let me know where you got your small double floor bed please? (We're looking to do the same thing, and researching options online has just left me quite confused)

I already did, above really. Didn't want to repeat myself. A baby, snug, fed, clean, warm, loved by parents is not vulnerable. Talking about elderly people isn't relevant, it's whataboutery. I could sit here and list a ton of situations that are also not relevant!

The one we got is no longer available but it’s very similar to this one which also gets really good reviews…

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1177153538/?ref=share_ios_native_control

genuinely one of the best decisions we ever made. Of course as baby isn’t in a cot and can roam about you need to be very very careful with baby proofing the room, we secured all furniture to the walls, all cords clipped to the walls, blind cords etc tied out of reach, nothing claimbable in the room, no small parts in the room, baby gate across the door to ensure to wandering out the room. And we also packed the space between the matress and the wall to ensure there is no entrapment risk. So a bit of work involved in the set up but honestly it completely saved my sanity I’ve recommended it to a few friends who say it’s been a game changer for them.

no fake outrage , I do judge lazy parents who sleep train.
Thankfully it's not needed to get them to have healthy sleep patterns.

I did not twist your post, I gave you the correct definition of "abusive" as I meant it when I employed the word. It's not that hard 😂

https://www.bbc.co.uk/future/article/20220322-how-sleep-training-affects-babies

This is a really interesting, balanced article, from which both sides of the debate can find a study to confirm their bias. ;-)

You're right that sleep training doesn't lead to internalised stress/cortisol in the moment.

But the children of responsive parents whose parenting toolkit excludes sleep training have lower cortisol levels on a day-to-day basis.

My husband worked, and I was at home. Our youngest was a terrible sleeper, so we took turns on alternate nights. We put a bed in his room and one of us slept with him while the other got a good night's sleep. Not ideal but worked for us.

Yes I think DH is being reasonable.

I would also hire a sleep consultant.

I don’t think his request is unreasonable.
A friends DP is a tree surgeon - when their baby was small and a terrible sleeper he had to sleep on the sofa, not to be awkward and unhelpful, but if he went to work sleep deprived, the consequences could have been catastrophic!
So a lot of depending factors to consider. Yes in your eyes it’s probably selfish because you are in the trenches with sleep deprivation (been there!) but I promise it does get better!
Is there one night a week where you can have the sofa?!

I’m not advocating leaving a baby to “cry it out “: I don’t know any parents of young babies who don’t use the Huckleberry app.

"Honestly, I think it’s just pragmatic. It’s one thing walking round with a one-year-old in a blurred state of sleep deprivation, it’s quite another putting in a full day of work."

I'd say - beyond certain jobs (pilot, brain surgeon, train driver) - the exact opposite.

Looking after an infant is a "full day of work" and that's why being a nanny is a real job.

Think it's quite telling that the OP hasn't been back to clarify what her husband's job is despite being asked several times. It matters.

People convincing themselves that sleep training is good for the child is so unhinged. Whatever helps calm your guilty conscience.

The amount of people recommending sleep training is so so sad. It's very normal for babies to wake at 1. It's sh*t but normal. Babies don't need training to sleep. They sleep in the womb fgs, they know how to do it. If they've ever slept longer than 40 mins then they already know how to connect sleep cycles. All sleep training does is teach your baby that they can't rely on you to meet their needs. They don't sleep any more than before, they just stop asking for you. EURGH it's so sad.

Thank you so much - and I really appreciate your advice re: baby-proofing etc too!

Have you looked at gradual withdrawal at night...lau down .sit by but don't pick him up? How does he go down at bedtime with you or can you leave the room?

The question is not so much if he should be helping out on those two nights I don't think. It's whether your family can survive on your salary alone if he were to lose his job. I've seen a colleague let go because he was falling asleep at work.

I think it’s ok if you have the opportunity to nap the next day but I also think that you should get at least one full nights unbroken sleep a week too. So maybe Friday or Saturday night?

Sounds sensible if one has to be up and the other doesn't, then the one that needs to be up gets more sleep. Provided he is taking his share of the nights when you both have to up.

Woah. I'm not even pro-sleep training but this is uncalled for and anti-woman.

How on earth is it anti woman?!

I agree with him. I am often sleep deprived but in my job I can function, I work alone so even if I’m a bit loopy I can still do the job. My husband’s job on the other hand is always ‘on’, multiple meetings a day, and if sleep deprived his job really suffers. We are past having children but the situation is similar.

Because women bear the brunt of sleepless nights with infants, many women will feel absolutely desperate (particularly if they have no partner or no support from partner) from sleep deprivation, being a mother in first year of your child's life is hard only for someone to sneer that anyone who's tried sleep training is trying to "calm their guilty conscience". We shouldn't be feeding into the mummy wars.

On what planet is it reasonable that you do every single waking night and your partner gets two full nights sleep a week to your none, ever? No planet. Sleep deprivation applies to you equally. Of course you're not being unreasonable. Absolutely no fucking way.

This is how we sleep trained my 1 yo. First night she cried a lot, second night very little and 3rd night she slept in 5 minutes.

Sleep deprivation almost pushed me into a breakdown. Some people can have a coffee and crack on, I could barely function, string a sentence together and wanted to just die.
She is such a well adjusted baby and sleeps beautifully now, I have my evenings and sanity back. It is very much possible to sleep train at 1yo.

im with your dh. If you’re not working and home then entirely reasonable for him to get a good nights sleep. Take your turn af the weekend?

Babies and children are different. As parents of more than one child will attest, successes are seldom because of your excellent parenting and more likely because that's the child.