DH sleeping on sofa to avoid crying baby

[Thisuserwilldo]

Can I ask for your thoughts on this please:

-DH and I have a DS who is now over 1
-He has never slept through the night, but has improved a bit waking once or twice only, with the odd awful night with multiple wake ups
-He is in a cot and comes in with us if/when we can’t settle him back (which is often)

DH is now saying he is struggling to cope at work with the sleep deprivation so on the two days where I am not working in the week, he has decided he should sleep on the sofa on the prior nights to ensure he is fresh for work. I then look after DS the following day.

We don’t have a spare bedroom other than where DS sleeps.

Do you think this is fair or DH should help on those two nights too? He is great at all other times I should say

Sleep is vitally important for all of you. I don't believe in sleep training. When you sleep train a baby, all you're teaching them is no one will come when they need them. It doesn't reduce the cortisol levels in their system that led them to need you in the first place. They just internalise that stress.

But sleep is vitally important for all of you.

I'd put the cot back in your bedroom and let your toddler sidle into bed when he needs it, rather than anyone getting up to him.

Or accept that you and your partner sleep in different rooms until waking in the night doesn't stress your child out.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to get two nights' unbroken sleep before work. It wouldn't be unreasonable of you to claim the same privilege every Friday & Saturday night either, if you don't work weekends.

But in a two parents working household that finds the night wakes disruptive? Bring the child back in, is how I would deal with it. It will not be forever. I co-slept with my son in his early years. He's a rudely independent 18-year old now - but will still come into my bed on a Sunday afternoon to watch crappy TV when it's raining, or flop onto it after a night out drinking to garble at me ten to the dozen.

Ignoring the whataboutery, why is the baby vulnerable? I presume nappy clean, been fed, safe in a cot etc etc.

OP, absolutely let him sleep on the sofa those 2 times. He's said he's struggling, you guys are supposed to be a team and that also means listening when he says he's not doing so well.

I’d sleep with the kid and put DH in the baby’s room on a mattress. I don’t think you sound like you’d like sleep training. It seems cruel to me also. Word of warning tho, I still sleep with our 4.5yo and DH still in spare room! We both work full time and I have since he was one. It did lead to some intimacy issues between me and DH (he was fine, I was not) but we have now solved this with us both going to bed early and snuggling together for 30-60mins before heading to separate rooms. I’m happy to be there for my son in the night. It won’t be forever.

is that a question? Do you KNOW what a baby is?

I've long given up on the hope that posters are sarcastic when they make comments like that.

Do you KNOW what vulnerable means? Exposed to danger or the possibility of danger? I've long given up on the hope that posters are not overreacting when make comments like that.

Yes it's fair if it's impinging on work. Can't you hith work together to get baby to sleep through though, by one year night waking shouldn't be the norm.

Actually it is a magical cure!

I don't see anywhere what he does for a living. And it matters in a case like this.

My partner was a coach driver and did primary school runs every morning. Had he been sent off to work sleep deprived it could have been lethal.

What does he do for a living, OP?

I think it’s fair to have alternating days with issues like this. If you won’t sleep train, there’s no point both of you getting no sleep 7 days a week. Just do alternating days where you deal with it and each of you have a weekend day

yes I think this is fair on his work days.

No it isn't - OP has said they have tried sleep training and it has reduced night waking a lot already. She's clear not a martyr about sleep/crying, but that doesn't mean that sleep training results in every baby sleeping through, even if it worked for you.

I think it’s sensible of DH

which doesn't work for ALL babies

and which parents find debatable any way.

Apart from that...

vulnerable: (of a person) in need of special care, support, or protection because of age, disability, or risk of abuse or neglect.

HTH.

I am not even starting a debate on how neglectful "sleep training" can be, each to their own.

Poor man. Life is short, it sounds like a miserable existence.

@mixedcereal OP works too

Yes and I read it that OPs husband was only suggesting this arrangement on the nights before she’s not working

Talking of loving parents here, trying to get their children into a healthy sleep pattern - for all.
Not abusive parents high on cocaine every night.

Fake outrage on your behalf because you disagree with sleep training. That's your right, but twisting my post to get angry is utterly pointless and a sad reflection.. Cheerio.

Because if, say, an elderly or disabled person was crying out despite being fed, clean, safe etc, it would be considered abuse to ignore them. So why is it different for a baby just because they meet your criteria?

I still feel bad about trying to "sleep train" my firstborn and it was 30 years ago. It was brutal and failed.
(Obviously I did it wrong)

It doesn't make sense to insist that you both stay sleep deprived. Take it in turns who deals with the night wakings and who gets an unbroken night's sleep. If he works more days he gets slightly more nights off from the night wakings. Perhaps 4 for him and 3 for you?

Oh, you like a lot of whataboutery don't you?
Supposed everyone needs a hobby.

I like how you don't have an answer. It shows you don't really mean what you say.

Sometimes it's not about fair he's struggling and needs the sleep it's give and take there will be another season in your relationship with being parents that you may need more sleep or support ect.

This part "When you sleep train a baby, all you're teaching them is no one will come when they need them. It doesn't reduce the cortisol levels in their system that led them to need you in the first place. They just internalise that stress."

Is not actually true.