DH sleeping on sofa to avoid crying baby

[Thisuserwilldo]

Can I ask for your thoughts on this please:

-DH and I have a DS who is now over 1
-He has never slept through the night, but has improved a bit waking once or twice only, with the odd awful night with multiple wake ups
-He is in a cot and comes in with us if/when we can’t settle him back (which is often)

DH is now saying he is struggling to cope at work with the sleep deprivation so on the two days where I am not working in the week, he has decided he should sleep on the sofa on the prior nights to ensure he is fresh for work. I then look after DS the following day.

We don’t have a spare bedroom other than where DS sleeps.

Do you think this is fair or DH should help on those two nights too? He is great at all other times I should say

My one year old is a bad sleeper and you have my sympathy OP. My DH and I both work and our system now is we do alternating nights getting up with DS. If you get a full night's sleep every other night, it makes the other night a lot more bearable and you're not totally exhausted as you would be after weeks/ months of it. I'm not sure why we didn't start this earlier- it's helped a lot.

Having alternating nights or a similar arrangement might be fairer than your DH having 2 nights off, but his request isn't wholly unreasonable.

I agree that if you have already done some sleep training and it reduced waking from loads to 1 or 2 times that that is probably as good as it gets for now. It isn't always a magic solution and 1-2 wakes is manageable.

That said, it sounds like the issue is that whoever gets up with the baby is trying to settle him in the cot and then giving up after some time because he is not settling and bringing him into your bed.

This is probably the worst of both worlds, because whoever gets up with your DS is awake for quite a while, and then the rest of the night is disrupted for both of you by having the toddler wriggling about in your bed. All while reinforcing for your DS that if he makes enough fuss he will eventually be allowed in your bed.

I would either give up immediately and let him in your bed from when he wakes to minimise sleep disruption, or support DS to go back to sleep in the cot (however long it takes). You don't have to leave him to cry, but you might find that he starts going back to sleep way more easily after a few nights - even if the first time everyone is up for hours!

Yes, agreed. He needs to learn that he must lie down in his cot, although I’d deal with this by going in after a while and physically putting him back down in the cot. It will need multiple times and a few bad nights- start on a Friday night. You say very little after a first ‘night night’ and leave him for a few minutes before you go in again. You need to be ready to do it repeatedly.

I left sleep training a little late, but we persisted at 1& months and it did not take many nights. I have to admit that neither of mine were the type to scream hysterically and make themselves ill though. I’m not sure how sleep training works in those cases.

I knew this thread would be pounced on by the ‘rod for your own back’ ‘why don’t you just sleep train’ brigade.

People whose babies were sleep-trainable have NO IDEA.

(mine didn’t sleep through until he was nearly 4 and we tried everything - it was only melatonin that saved us in the end)

I think unfortunately when you have a non sleeping baby it does become a matter of survival rather than solidarity. And there may be things you need to do less of on your non-working days to prioritise sleep. It sucks because you will see other people with easy babies taking advantage of nap times to do interesting or productive things and you’ll feel shit - but you’re in a different situation.

This is a season of life to be got through, and if you can both hang on to your jobs and a scrap of sanity you can reconnect a bit more further down the line.

Much solidarity. My formerly non sleeping DC is 9 now and I no longer stumble through my days wanting to cry and/or vomit from tiredness.

ETA: co-sleeping was also the only thing that stopped the screaming night wakings every 45 mins. We gave up on the cot when he was about 2 as we were all about to lose our minds with psychotic sleep deprivation.

I think it’s fair that whoever needs sleep most for work productivity gets to prioritise sleep those nights. You can do all the sleep training you want, but the reality is that children wake in the night and need you. My 12 year old still wakes a few times a year needing something (medicine, reassurance because she woke up worrying about a friend, too excited for whatever, it happens). So you are both working and it sounds like you need to figure out how you can both catch up on sleep. When I had to get up at 5am to catch the train for work, I used to sleep downstairs and dh would handle all wake ups.

So yes, I’d give it a go. On the condition that he also does 2 nights on duty, maybe those are Friday and Saturday, meaning no drinking or going out those nights. Or maybe they are before 2 of your working days.

So it's ok to look after a fractious baby when she's sleep deprived but he must have sleep because men duh?

I have loads of kids, all ND and none good sleeper ( not because they are ND necessarily). I found work a refuge with breaks, adult conversation, the ability to do one thing at a time. I think he's swinging here.

I think it’s pretty reasonable.

Is there a way you can sleep in the babies room when he wakes up instead of bringing him into your bed?

I think it’s fair- as long as he is settling DS during two nights that HE is not working the next day……….From your post it seems like that’s the weekend? So he should be responsible for settling baby on, say, Friday and Saturday nights.

Sometimes it's not about what's fair (as in a 50:50 even split of everything) it's about what's best for the family as a whole. Only you can decide between you what you each have to give, and what approach works for you- your husband has let you know that he's past capacity and needs those night's sleep, that's ok. You feel like it's unfair which suggests you're are also feeling exhausted and haven't got the capacity to cover it, that's also ok... so you need to look at how to support you both. You could, as people have suggested try sleep training, co-sleeping, or think about what would support you in other ways- like help with cleaning, a couple of hours extra nursery care on one of your morning's off so you can catch up, these cost but will make your life easier and perhaps give you the capacity to cover the extra nights, or there are free ways to do it- re-jig the allocation of household chores so your husband does more than currently at the weekend, meaning on your days in the week with your DS you don't have a mile long to do list and can take things slower, your DH could have your DS on a Saturday morning so you can have a lie in/time off, do online food shopping, use quick and easy dinners for a while...You can have anything but not everything- talk it through with your DH what you each need and how you can find a balance with the time/resources/money you have... You're a team and they'll be a way that works, it's just sometimes hard to see it in the fog of exhaustion...

Time to get back to old fashioned parenting when a baby was not allowed to rule the roost. IF he knows you will come in when he stands up and cries your child ix training you to be his slave girl. A good old fashioned nanny would have left left him to cry it out and he will eventually learn. Try ear plugs and white noise.

Yes it's fair if he works more days.
I would have the baby in with you on those two nights so DH can sleep in a bed rather than a sofa.
Imo it's all about everyone getting the maximum amount of sleep however and wherever it is.

I think it is all well and good, but you also need to be allowed to have a night or two on the sofa to get your head down.
My DD didn't sleep through the night until she was 2 years old and I did 99% of the nights for those two years. It was hell and I am sending so much love to you and your DH as you navigate this stage.
You deserve care and rest too, and contrary to other posters, I actually think unless you DH is a surgeon or train driver or something requiring intense mental focus all day, looking after a one year old all day is more exhausting than most days jobs!
So sure, let him sleep on the sofa, but carve out a couple of nights a week when you sleep on the sofa and he manages the nights alone.
Give and take is key! Good luck OP! I hope your little one's sleep calms down soon x

I think it’s fair, and I’m quite feminist in my attitudes and beliefs. When we had babies, I didn’t see the point of us both being exhausted every night, and the two days not working are less tiring than a job. That said, I’d feel differently if he didn’t help with the housework and baby the rest of the week.

Exactly this. Everyone needs sleep, regardless of thier employment status. I found my work easier than being at home when sleep deprived, but what does it matter, OP's only looking after a baby. Who cares if she gets behind the wheel of her car to go to rhyme time on very little sleep? Who cares if her mental health gets in tatters? So long as a man doesn't lose out on sleep.

He needs to alternate with her, take over on weekends or take up more of the housework so she can use the baby's nap to sleep

Makes perfect sense. It doesn't need 2 of ye to settle him back if hr are bringing him into the bed .

Exactly what I was going to say.
Look up the Ferber method.
It took two nights for my child to stay sleeping through.

Not remotely true... I always picked up my kids, cuddled them and brought them into my bed. They're only small for a short time. Guess what, now they're pre-teens and long gone are the days when they needed me at night. I sleep in and they sometimes even bring me a cup of tea in the morning.
Thank God I cuddled them while they were small and needed me.

OP, let your husband sleep on the sofa for two nights. Why ever not?

When my son was that age I used to leave a bottle of milk propped up in his cot which he then fed himself with if he woke up and never cried again at night.

I don’t think it’s unfair for you to take it in turns if that’s what he means by taking a couple of nights out on the sofa.

We also had a baby who needed our support at night (which is really normal) we opted for a floor bed when he turned 10 months and alternated nights depending on who was driving furthest, who had important meetings etc and split the nights. Honestly once we joined him after the first wake his sleep improved immensely. Hes just over two now and we still join him if it’s a bad night.

As a side note we ended up loving the connection with our now toddler and could have never left him to cry, especially now we know supporting them when they’re little can mean better brain health when older.

YABU.

Sleep train or deal with it.

Personally I think this is ok as long as you get your nights away from the baby (if possible - is baby breastfeeding still?) or some alternative "compensation" (maybe weekend lie ins). My partner who is very hands on slept in the spare room most nights when mine were babies otherwise we would have had no functioning adult in the house due to neither child sleeping and also breastfeeding through the night, and also to ensure co-sleeping was as safe as possible. He couldn't have helped much due to the breastfeeding. Very hard to magically sleep train some kids, and it does get better. Mine reliably stayed in their own beds every night from about 3 (they were in their own beds before that but less reliably in them all night).

Do you get to sleep downstairs anytime?

It wouldn’t be a problem if you sleep trained your child. Why wouldn’t you?

What could possibly be the point EVER of 2 adults being kept awake by a baby if one can sleep elsewhere and actually sleep?

How would it benefit you in any way if your husband is just as sleep deprived? Has he waited an entire YEAR to finally get some sleep? That's insane.

Take turn. When one doesn't go to work the following day, of course they are the one to be in charge of the child.

because babies are not robots and "sleep training" is not a magical cure?

Or even something that parents MUST try?