Aibu to try and overturn my son’s permanent exclusion

[ThatRealBlueQuoter]

So this year me and my 5 children have moved from Birmingham to another town due to domestic violence got my children into school my 15 ds has been through a lot with my ex husband one of the main ones been strangled until he passed and and cracked his head open on a table this I feel is relevant to the permanent exclusion my son has received from the school.On the day my son got permanently excluded him and another lad had been messing about in class as a “joke” this boy has pulled out the chair from under my ds making him fall and bang his head my son has then got up and punched the boy four times in the face,I’m in no way dismissing this behaviour he no’s he done wrong and is very ashamed he told the teacher been hit on the head is a trigger for him he knows he shouldn’t of reacted like that,I went to a meeting after a 5 day exclusion with my son to try and plead his case the headteacher wouldn’t budge and handed me the permanent exclusion letter she basically said my ds is to much of a risk ,I found her to be very dismissive and not understanding at all is this worth appealing?the student who done this to my son received a punishment but I wasn’t allowed to be told what it is,I know he is still attending the school my son will now have to go to a behaviour centre my argument is really that shouldn’t the school at least have offered help anger management etc he only has 9 months left before he leaves it is the first time he has actually enjoyed school now the school are trying to get me to sign a letter and they are saying if I do the permanent exclusion won’t go on my sons record?Im in no way condoning what my son has done,can anyone offer advice

No it isn't how he feels... the boy sent texts to OPs son taunting him and gloating about the exclusion.... he's just as much of an abuser. He's a bully.

Really? There are very many examples of men being jailed for a very long time for a single punch to the head that has killed someone.

Pretty sure she was being heavily sarcastic.

They were being sarcastic in response to another poster's ridiculous claim that both boys were equal abusers

But people could die or suffer serious injuries from a chair being pulled out from under them.

I hope the OP has made the school aware of these texts.

For those saying 'just go to a PRU' - there is something werll known as the "PRU to prison pipeline'

being suspeneded or expelled from school is a major risk factor for spiralling downwards into a life of poverty and imprisonment.

A PRU is not necessarily a gentle supportive place - it's full of other expelled, possibly very troubled children many of whom have had severe family based trauma.

The OP should fight very hard to get her son to stay in mainstream as he has a FAR better liklihood of getting a decent education there. that is his right - and his trauma and violent history in childhood should absolutely be recognised and support given

As someone who has sought very urgent help for a child with MH issues myself - the idea of peopl ehere saying 'get him help' is just laughable.

you can be literally about to kill yourself as a teen and there is no support.

@Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim quite a few young people have died by suicide due to malicious texts being sent to them

Please don’t fear a PRU I know people that run a couple near me and they are good. Smaller and used to dealing with children that may be angry, fearful and have mental health issues that need support etc. It will be the best place for him. The staff are more relaxed with any outbursts as they are not uncommon and it’s still school, he will still have classes and do his GCSES etc.

it could be excellent for him. Please encourage him to go, knuckle down and do the best he can for the rest of year 11. And also get him focusing on what’s next, college etc find local courses go to the college open days etc get him excited about his future not yearning to go back to school waiting for an appeal. You won’t get it (I work in a secondary)

I wish you both luck, everything by will be ok x

I grew up with DV and raised my younger siblings, including a brother who knew from a very young age not to start shit, not to hurt anyone, not to fight back if they were weaker, but also not to take any crap from bullies who tried to hurt him.

If I knew my child was whipping chairs out from people as they were about to sit on them, I’d be thanking my lucky stars that he’d hopefully learnt his lesson before he caused someone a serious injury. If that wouldn’t be your first thought, then perhaps it’s you who would be making excuses for a violent child.

The boy he attacked was laughing at his exclusion,threatening him etc I don’t think he is to traumatised! and I’m not justifying his behaviour at all I have been in a relationship for 19 years where everyday I was emotionally and physically beaten I would hate my son to be like his father,the point to this is the boy attacked my son first,he wasn’t excluded for it,it just seems like they have said his from a bad background bad area and thrown him out no one has explained anything to me

The school had a duty of care to your son and they failed in that duty of care by allowing the other boy to cause him injury on purpose. Maybe you can sue the school.

I’m going to be honest, when I was your sons age I would have kicked the proverbial out of someone who did that to me. It was a long time ago but I had many fights at school involving a lot of punches and bust noses - people tried to bully me but when they failed and hobbled off it became a game of let’s see if X can beat VFTS in a fight - at least a fight a week for months. No, the other lads couldn’t best me, but nobody got permanently excluded no matter the blood spilt. I never instigated any fights and sometimes just walked away pretend yawning at the lad the gang of would-be-bullies had chosen that day. Some of us did get 2 week suspensions at times though.

I think the school are being very heavy handed to your son, especially considering their failing part in this.

Thank you ❤️

Thank you for your words

Police notify schools of any DV incident at an address a school has on record for a child with a note about whether the child was present and if a ‘safe and well’ check was carried out on them. So, at the OP’s son’s old school, there may well have been the argument that school was aware of his trauma and could have put something in place to support him. However, a move out of area post DV incidents mean school is unlikely to have been made aware of previous trauma unless OP mentioned it.

Schools absolutely do move instantly to permanent exclusions for violence of this level. They have a duty of care to other students. The same applies if a student is found carrying a knife - they don’t need to have used it.

I also second the many posters who mention that the PRU may well be the best place for him. Often they are far more nurturing and supportive than mainstream schools as the pupil to staff member ratio is very small and they have less pressure on exam results.

This is my fear he doesn’t sound it but my son is a lovely person all the teachers like him very popular even though he has been there for around a month he did wrong I know and I’m not justifying his actions but with the right support in place I don’t see why he couldn’t go to mainstream school they seem to have just wrote him off

How many people die from having a chair pulled from under them in comparison to how many people die at the hands of violent men?
Most people grow out of stupid pranks. Violent men are sadly, less likely to outgrow their poor self regulation.

School cannot convert a suspension into an exclusion unless there is substantial new evidence.
What have you been asked to sign?

If in any doubt ring the local authority and ask them to talk you through the process.
When was the permanent exclusion?
If they haven't notified you of a governors meeting and you haven't been contacted by the local authority then you need to find out what process they are following as there are strict timescales.
If the school has decided to 'rescind' the permanent exclusion then they may do a straight managed move without any meetings but that's a huge risk to the schools as he could end up back at the excluding school if the managed move fails.

I don't know anything about behavior centers. Is it possible this might be a good experience for him? Will he get more one-to-one, customized attention?

Ok. So don't sign anything. Advise the head that you will query next steps with the local authority.

I'll be honest, I don't think you're being entirely upfront about what's happened as I saw a comment around attendance being 47%, which is really indicative of some serious issues, and a comment about how this is the first school your son has settled in and liked.

The head will have full oversight of your son's record from his previous school(s). Punching somebody 4 times is a sustained attack. The only purpose of it is to hurt. Pulling someone's chair out could be intended to injure, but equally could have been intended as a misjudged joke. That's why they're treated differently.

The statistics on PRUS speak for themselves.

They absolutely do not turn out lots of happy young people who have had wonderful 1 2 1 care - sadly - of course they SHOULD offer really great individualised supportr but this simply isn't what the statistical chances are for any young person entering a PRU

He needs help with ptsd not anger management!

I used to teach in Brum and it took A LOT for a child to be permanently excluded.

Some PRUs are good.

Maybe it's worth going and having a look at a couple and see if DS might be happier?

I’ve taught in a KS4 PRU. Me, 6 students maximum plus up to 3 TAs! It definitely was a caring place where students were nurtured. I also have a close family member who attended one in a different county in Y11. Often he was the only student in his class. He learnt to cook, got into basketball and the pastoral support he received was first class. They bent over backwards to make sure he had a plan for Y12 - and even checked up on him in his first term at college.

I haven't read the full thread OP so apologies if someone has already mentioned this. Consider contacting the charity Headway for advice. They were doing some work on the impact of non fatal strangulation and the long-term effects it has on the brain. Suffice to say, it causes more damage than many people, including medical professionals recognise. I had done some work with them in the context of domestic abuse services and violence and aggression from some survivors, which could be attributed to the strangulation they experienced.