In-law blended family holiday drama.

[w104ever]

Without wanting to write too much of an essay...

MiL had a really hard time earlier in the year and felt very low. She and FiL wanted to plan something to help her feel better/ give her happy memories. They decided they wanted to take us (their son/my DH, me and our two children), plus their daughter (my SiL), her two children and SiL's new partner away on a holiday abroad, which is obviously very generous of them. Challenge now is that SiL and her partner are insisting that his two children must come as well.

Relevant info here... 'new partner' is SiL's boss. They had an affair in work for a year, my BiL and boss' wife had no idea. We only found out at the end of 2024 when they did. (None of us saw it coming and are all still feeling upset as everyone was close to SiL's husband and understandably don't agree with the affair). My PiLs and my DH/ children have only met new partner's children once to date. It didn't go brilliantly as my SiL literally just brought them to PiL's house with no discussion beforehand which upset my MiL, who didn't feel ready to meet them. Also unfortunately during the visit one of our kids felt picked on by one of his kids. (I did overhear his child saying some unkind things to ours and our child was definitely left out of play by all the other children which was naturally upsetting for them).

So PiLs don't know what to do - we've all said that we'd rather not have his kids come as we barely know them and it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. SiL has already said they'll pay for his kids to come so can't use that as a barrier. She is saying if they can't come then she and her children won't be either.

I can see her point in that it might be hard for his children if they knew their dad was going away on a holiday and they weren't invited. SiL has also insisted that new parter comes. They all live together 50/50 so his kids would have an awareness of my SiL's children having a holiday too.

Equally I feel protective of my own children's wellbeing and them getting time with their cousins. We don't get to see them that often so time is precious. I'm worried that we'll go on this special holiday and our child will be picked on again and it will be miserable for them (and subsequently miserable for the rest of us).

MiL and I have shared that it does feel a bit like we're all being forced by SiL to accept her new blended family really quickly, when none of us have had time to really process it all. (Within two weeks of SiL telling her children that their parents' marriage was ending she introduced them to her new partner and his kids and they moved in with him less than a month later, so from the outside this has all felt a bit rushed to the rest of us).

MiL feels trapped as she doesn't want to cause drama (SiL will react strongly if told no) but equally feels strongly about this trip being planned as her being able to spend time with her grandchildren. I guess my AIBU is given I'm being asked my opinion by MiL am I unreasonable to be honest and voice that I'd prefer the holiday to not include new partner's children? (Even though I fully respect it's not my decision as I'm not paying for it).

She moved her new boy toy/boss within a month???

I would give this mess wide, wide berth.

"Within two weeks of SiL telling her children that their parents' marriage was ending she introduced them to her new partner and his kids and they moved in with him less than a month later, so from the outside this has all felt a bit rushed to the rest of us"

It is an understatement to say that this is not somebody whose judgement I would trust.

@w104ever the new partners children are suffering with their parents split and being flung into a situation not of their making.
There is bound to be a few issues. Perhaps this will be the opportunity to get to know the kids better. You can challenge any issues that may arise.

This

All of the adults in this situation will have their own opinions and can voice and deal with them as necessary. However there is a young child who has already experienced being picked on and excluded who needs the protection of these adults to make sure that they are not exposing the poor child to more of this behaviour.

What an unpleasant, mean and judgemental attitude. I am so glad you're not a member of my extended family.

Your SiL is keen to push this all through to make it legitimate and try and deflect from her poor behaviour. I would stick to my guns - it’s not all happy families and we’re not all being swept up into one big holiday.

Presumably her new fella isnt part of the family either then ?

Oh my god I’ve never felt so seen and understood in my life. Reading this from you was VALIDATING!!

My own rug sweeping in-laws are bloody VILE when they are poked and it has severely limited any relationship I will ever feel safe to have with my in-laws - DH thankfully has seen some of the light and agrees that any visit longer than a meal is going too far after their latest dramas.

Sorry to use your thread as free therapy😅

This was my first thought. I don’t think I’d be wanting him to come never mind his kids.

Maybe best to have an honest discussion and tell SIL this it all feels too soon for the rest of you. She may be having an affair for the past year but you’ve only had a month to come to terms with it and have only met her new partner a handful of times, plus you are human and allowed to still feel upset by what’s happened. Tell her you all need more time to get to know new partner and his kids before you are comfortable to holiday. Yes it’s a shame her kids miss out this time. There will hopefully be another chance in future. You cannot be forced to do something you are simply not ready for or comfortable with. It’s a holiday for the rest of you too. This is really what mil and fil should say.

It's really difficult isn't it @CauliflowerCheese00. I'm sorry you're in a similar position. I try to tell myself that all families are different (and as I said, mine definitely isn't "perfect"), but I find it really hard sometimes to fit into a family system that communicates (or not!!).so very differently to how I'm used to. Of course of their side it's their norm, so DH doesn't always understand why I struggle.

Apparently payment isn’t the issue he said he’ll/they’ll pay for the children

Thing is they might of lived together for a year. But they moved in together 2 weeks after the oh oops marriage over.

None of those children should have been put in that situation but yet the SIL and her dick of a partner continue to bulldoze this we are family bs. Oh course they are fast to be we are so in love and a family because it HAS to work to prove it was worth it.

But even if their relationship does work there are two families of children forever damaged by this fast movement and betrayal. Cheater or not they are showing lack of good parenting to their children individually. None of them where asked let’s face it if they wanted this or where happy. Just thrown together and now discussing a possible plaster baby to cement their love while both still married to other people.

Sure it’s not his children’s fault they have a shitty father with a shitty girlfriend but that doesn’t make them family either. Considering how fast the adults moved very much here today gone tomorrow and odds are the children will be gone as soon as they legally can.

I think your SIL is being unreasonable. Blended families are a learning curve, different sides of the family do different things and that's ok. Will your SIL be expecting her new partners parents to pay for your side on their next hols? If she decides not to come that's fine too. It takes time for blended families to evolve and work out, better to get to know each other more gradually with shorter meets than committing to a holiday where you don't know people and might not like them. Better to refuse now than exclude them later if it doesn't work out.

Who the hell does her boyfriend think he is, making demands like this?

Having been on the receiving end myself when exDH had an affair I sympathise truly. However it does seem like BIL has been seeking support and comfort from his STBXW family. Surely he has his own support network. SIL must feel a little excluded within her own family. She was perfectly entitled to see her parents last Christmas (albeit her new partner probably shouldn’t have been there) however BIL shouldn’t have had an invite when everything was so raw! If SIL and BIL are or become amicable then inviting him to family events/holidays is fine. Otherwise you all need to step back a little.

You said they are also 2yrs into this relationship and a year living together. I know it’s less time for you knowing but for them it will feel longer. Also can I ask is there a reason that MIL won’t drop GC off at SIL new home so she could get to know SIL new family better or is it just that it’s easier picking up from hers?

family dynamics are not just 2.4 kids anymore with mum and dad. People are also messy and fuck up. But kids absolutely do not deserve to pay the price for that. Maybe just work on play dates or an overnight visit to see them and get to know them better. If it’s going to happen then starting with smaller afternoons or days out to get the kids used ti each other and all the adults knowing each other better too might help?

i would stringy suggest to mil that you don’t do an abroad holiday

perhaps a weekend away? Air bnb of holiday park?

I liked the suggestion of taking the brother in law and the kids .
You don’t pander to her ultimatums but the kids don’t miss out and the dynamic will be familiar. Plus it has the added bonus that the other injured party in this gets a treat and to maintain relationships with the family and qt with his kids. Win win I’d say 😁🫶

Your poor Mil. She has had a rough time and needed her family. She thought giving everyone a holiday at her expense would be wonderful for all concerned.
This is a really selfish attitude by your sil. Maybe you should try to calm the waters for your Mil sake. How very sad for her. It’s costing her a fortune for it all to rebound badly because of one person.

Oh I hate infidelity too, I have been on the receiving end of it after a 9 year relationship (luckily no kids involved in that) but when children are involved and adults have made the decision, we can’t reject a new family because of how their parents got together

I agree the affair parters behaved horribly.

however you’re very old fashioned saying they aren’t a real family. We aren’t governed by legitimacy laws. Families come in all shapes and sizes. They are now a home and household unit blended family and have been for over a year.

I do agree with that

Excellent suggestion.....

Tell your MIL not to book the holiday as the demands being made are too stressful to cope with, and are making the PILs unhappy.
The PILs can then book a holiday and invite who they want, knowing the possible situations that will arise, and make an informed decision based on previous knowledge.