In-law blended family holiday drama.

[w104ever]

Without wanting to write too much of an essay...

MiL had a really hard time earlier in the year and felt very low. She and FiL wanted to plan something to help her feel better/ give her happy memories. They decided they wanted to take us (their son/my DH, me and our two children), plus their daughter (my SiL), her two children and SiL's new partner away on a holiday abroad, which is obviously very generous of them. Challenge now is that SiL and her partner are insisting that his two children must come as well.

Relevant info here... 'new partner' is SiL's boss. They had an affair in work for a year, my BiL and boss' wife had no idea. We only found out at the end of 2024 when they did. (None of us saw it coming and are all still feeling upset as everyone was close to SiL's husband and understandably don't agree with the affair). My PiLs and my DH/ children have only met new partner's children once to date. It didn't go brilliantly as my SiL literally just brought them to PiL's house with no discussion beforehand which upset my MiL, who didn't feel ready to meet them. Also unfortunately during the visit one of our kids felt picked on by one of his kids. (I did overhear his child saying some unkind things to ours and our child was definitely left out of play by all the other children which was naturally upsetting for them).

So PiLs don't know what to do - we've all said that we'd rather not have his kids come as we barely know them and it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. SiL has already said they'll pay for his kids to come so can't use that as a barrier. She is saying if they can't come then she and her children won't be either.

I can see her point in that it might be hard for his children if they knew their dad was going away on a holiday and they weren't invited. SiL has also insisted that new parter comes. They all live together 50/50 so his kids would have an awareness of my SiL's children having a holiday too.

Equally I feel protective of my own children's wellbeing and them getting time with their cousins. We don't get to see them that often so time is precious. I'm worried that we'll go on this special holiday and our child will be picked on again and it will be miserable for them (and subsequently miserable for the rest of us).

MiL and I have shared that it does feel a bit like we're all being forced by SiL to accept her new blended family really quickly, when none of us have had time to really process it all. (Within two weeks of SiL telling her children that their parents' marriage was ending she introduced them to her new partner and his kids and they moved in with him less than a month later, so from the outside this has all felt a bit rushed to the rest of us).

MiL feels trapped as she doesn't want to cause drama (SiL will react strongly if told no) but equally feels strongly about this trip being planned as her being able to spend time with her grandchildren. I guess my AIBU is given I'm being asked my opinion by MiL am I unreasonable to be honest and voice that I'd prefer the holiday to not include new partner's children? (Even though I fully respect it's not my decision as I'm not paying for it).

If new partner is invited then his children should be too.

Personally I think they should all be invited.

I think you just need to say whatever you decide is what we will make work to you MIL, you don't want to be the scapegoat/bad guy for why they weren't invited and why her daughter didn't come.
We do full family holidays often and they are hard work but my parents and the kids really loved them, we always allow a few things to do separately so we can have a break, maybe just plan a few your family only times and set clear boundaries that his children need to be nice to all the cousins.

Fair enough but we agree on the second point, which is to keep those kids close in the family and not end up with them isolated by their mother.

Your SIL (and her new partner) sound absolutely horrific and selfish. If it were up to me, I'd never go on another holiday again rather than give in to their demands, but from your MIL and FIL's perspective, shitty SIL is still their daughter. I'm sure they still love her and don't want to alienate her and thereby reduce their access to some of their grandchildren.

I'd tell MIL the truth, but in such a way that expresses that I understand that this is not easy for her. If she wants to avoid the drama, especially after a difficult year, I'd understand. You're correct that the dynamics will be different, but now that you know the situation you can protect your child from being picked on. Come up with plans, step in to stop bullying or brattish behaviour from SIL's crappy new step-children. It doesn't have to be disaster.

Well dedinitely do not book a villa for you all. But it might be ok to find a holiday that is separate accomodations where you can all retreat if things are difficult.

Is there an option where you all have separate accommodation in the same resort? So that your kids have a break from the other children? And can spend some time with mil/fil? But so that sil can bring her partner and his kids if she wants?

@w104ever is this really so difficult? Your PIL want a family trip. They were already being generous to include SIL's new partner.
His children aren't their family at this time. Maybe in the future but not yet. So two options only - SIL accepts the offer with her partner only or not.
Alternatively her new partner can stay home with his children to avoid any feelings of being left out (which I would see as the appropriate thing to do).

Tbh OP, as annoying as it is, I would just suck it up and encourage MIL to do the same.

Ultimately, your SIL has made her choice and this man (and his children) could be in her life for the long haul - surely if he's already coming anyway his children tagging along too isn't the be all and end all, since other kids are present and they have said they'll pay for them?

It's not ideal obviously but I personally think you may as well try and start as you mean to go on. You either all put your foot down now and SIL pulls herself and her children out of this holiday (when the whole purpose is for MIL to spend time with her GC) so everyone loses, or you all try and embrace SIL's 'new' family unit and move forward.

This reply really resonates, I think postponing by a year would be the best outcome but will have to see.

So they've been living together a year (ish) now? I think then they are a team and it's all or nothing. And I actually respect them for insisting on treating their children the same... alongside respecting them not at all for how they've managed this entire thing. Moving a new partner in weeks after kicking out your childrens' father is disgusting behaviour in any scenario.

Honestly I'd prefer to skip the lot of them but it would seem it's all or nothing so then it's over to your MIL. I wouldn't book anything like a villa where you'd be sharing accommodation and make sure there are easy opportunities to split into different groups.

I would mention the new partner's child bullying your child. Even if that were long term family, that is something that would give me pause on the trip.

YANBU.

The mistake was your MiL inviting her daughter's affair partner ...

Although, if the new partner's DC behave badly, on a family holiday you can pull them up on it.

But your SiL and her new partner just sound a bit yuk. I don't think I'd enjoy that holiday at all.

Oh I feel so sorry for your SILs children, she has been horrible to them.

I'd agree to a weekend away with everyone and separate accommodation but nothing else.

There is a special place in hell for parents who do this sort of forced family crap to their children.

I agree. However SiL doesn't see it this way and is keen that he is included in everything going forward. (I can understand this, even if I don't necessarily agree with it). My PiLs feel exactly that - that his children aren't their family at this time. But this isn't how SiL wants it to be. She is very powerful within the family in that she has big reactions to things so people walk on eggshella around her. And having said that, I do think she's vulnerable and has underlying mental health issues. She definitely doesn't see herself as powerful in any way.

If MiL has had a hard time, then why don’t you and your husband and kids go away with her for a little break and give her something nice to look forward to and cheer her up. Make it your treat (if you can afford it) so SiL can’t complain she has been left out.

Let MIL and FIL pay for a trip next year like PP suggested.

But, I’m less diplomatic and would just tell me SiL to stop being so selfish, that her mother wants to spend time with her grandchildren after a difficult year and doesn’t need her drama of affair partner turned boyfriend and his kids. I’d tell her that it isn’t about her, and she needs to stop ruining things for her mother and put her mum first for a change.

People need to stop walking on eggshells. People only behave like this because they know they get away with it. Stop letting her.

What sort of accommodation will you be in, a large villa, or each family unit in something separate?

Can't imagine this has been much fun for all the children involved. How often do in-laws see the SIL, if they haven't really met the step children?

I agree they shouldn’t go but think you all need to ease up on the kids- they didn’t ask for this crap and will be dealing with their own stuff.

That's a lovely idea, unfortunately we wouldn't be able to afford it and don't usually go on holiday ourselves due to this.
So in a possibily outing addition there was a situation last year (before we knew what was clearly going on in her personal life) where I did (gently) call SiL out in private for behaviour that I had found upsetting and she absolutely went for my jugular. Repeatedly. So I've learnt a hard lesson that it is not worth it to be honest with her, I guess hence why I'm unsure how honest I should be being with MiL about how I feel about the holiday incase it gets scapegoated onto me as no one else is brave enough to challenge her either.

Several times a week as they do pick ups for the grandchildren from school. They never go to new partner's house, grandchildren get collected from theirs.

Be completely honest. If hi child go you won’t go with your children as his child has been mean to yours and you won’t make your child spend a holiday which should be fun with no escape from someone who’s willing to treat them so bad.

What mil does with that is up to her. I’d personally let sil know your reason if you don’t go as well that simply her partners child has been mean to yours and that she and her partner did bugger all about it. That like her you will put YOUR children first.

It would be a no from me. I wouldn't have the new partner invited along either.
If SIL doesn't like it then she can stay home as well

I'm not sure it can be bullying as such if it's only been one time together? But I did say to SiL when she asked me and DH if we'd back them bringing partner's kids that I was worried about our child feeling left out and she said that won't be a problem as they'll tell his kids to include ours. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Love this idea! Possibly not the most diplomatic but....