In-law blended family holiday drama.

[w104ever]

Without wanting to write too much of an essay...

MiL had a really hard time earlier in the year and felt very low. She and FiL wanted to plan something to help her feel better/ give her happy memories. They decided they wanted to take us (their son/my DH, me and our two children), plus their daughter (my SiL), her two children and SiL's new partner away on a holiday abroad, which is obviously very generous of them. Challenge now is that SiL and her partner are insisting that his two children must come as well.

Relevant info here... 'new partner' is SiL's boss. They had an affair in work for a year, my BiL and boss' wife had no idea. We only found out at the end of 2024 when they did. (None of us saw it coming and are all still feeling upset as everyone was close to SiL's husband and understandably don't agree with the affair). My PiLs and my DH/ children have only met new partner's children once to date. It didn't go brilliantly as my SiL literally just brought them to PiL's house with no discussion beforehand which upset my MiL, who didn't feel ready to meet them. Also unfortunately during the visit one of our kids felt picked on by one of his kids. (I did overhear his child saying some unkind things to ours and our child was definitely left out of play by all the other children which was naturally upsetting for them).

So PiLs don't know what to do - we've all said that we'd rather not have his kids come as we barely know them and it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. SiL has already said they'll pay for his kids to come so can't use that as a barrier. She is saying if they can't come then she and her children won't be either.

I can see her point in that it might be hard for his children if they knew their dad was going away on a holiday and they weren't invited. SiL has also insisted that new parter comes. They all live together 50/50 so his kids would have an awareness of my SiL's children having a holiday too.

Equally I feel protective of my own children's wellbeing and them getting time with their cousins. We don't get to see them that often so time is precious. I'm worried that we'll go on this special holiday and our child will be picked on again and it will be miserable for them (and subsequently miserable for the rest of us).

MiL and I have shared that it does feel a bit like we're all being forced by SiL to accept her new blended family really quickly, when none of us have had time to really process it all. (Within two weeks of SiL telling her children that their parents' marriage was ending she introduced them to her new partner and his kids and they moved in with him less than a month later, so from the outside this has all felt a bit rushed to the rest of us).

MiL feels trapped as she doesn't want to cause drama (SiL will react strongly if told no) but equally feels strongly about this trip being planned as her being able to spend time with her grandchildren. I guess my AIBU is given I'm being asked my opinion by MiL am I unreasonable to be honest and voice that I'd prefer the holiday to not include new partner's children? (Even though I fully respect it's not my decision as I'm not paying for it).

"we'll go with whatever her and FiL decision is. And we understand if that means they want to cancel as well"

It's really disappointing to read that you've replied to her with this! I feel it's a cop out, she was clearly seeking validation and support over something she's not happy about or uncomfortable with. I'd have responded that you & DH didn't feel comfortable about both boss man and his children coming. Then followed up with how you understand the difficult position that SIL has put them into, so you respect her wishes, even if that means cancelling.

That way, you're getting across that you'd rather boss man and his children weren't there.

Your DH is also disappointing with his lack of backbone. Anything to keep the peace with his entitled sister, but fails to support his wife and children's happiness.

People who have affairs are so, so selfish. The ripples are felt by so many people for so long. They deserve no kid gloves, no accommodations, no understanding. After all, they don't treat the people they've made commitments to and supposedly love with even the barest respect. When they go about insisting the rest of the world see them the way they see themselves, they're thinking about nobody but themselves. It's gross.

I'd have absolutely nothing to do with this. I would withdraw and let MIL do whatever she wants to do with SIL - for my own sake, for my DCs' sake. No need to be mean about it, just state facts. "I really don't think this is a good idea but I obviously can't stand in your way. You go ahead with SIL, DH and I will sit this one out."

It sounds like you're fond of your MIL: perhaps you and your family could invite her and FIL along to part of a holiday you're going on, or on a weekend away, or even just over to your house for an extraordinarily (by your standards) afternoon and evening.

If I were MIL I'd refuse and arrange the holiday during ex BIL's time with the kids so they still get to go, if he is OK with that.

SIL sounds awfully demanding.

Does she always make a fuss to get her own way?

Well I think the new partner and his kids should come, because anything else will cause permanent damage to the relationship between your SIL and PILs. Even cancelling the holiday completely will cause damage, because SIL will always know the reason why.

It’s interesting that so many people are saying the partner/his kids shouldn’t be coming. Whenever someone posts on MN that her PILs don’t treat her child from previous relationship the same way they treat their biological grandchildren, everyone is furious on her behalf.

At this stage you have to assume this is a long term relationship, and these kids are going to be around for the foreseeable future. I don’t recall seeing the ages, but if they’re all young, then SIL’s kids and step kids will essentially be growing up as siblings. Yes it’s all happened way too quickly, but that ship has sailed, and now it’s time for damage limitation.

So the GPs want to play happy families "to make happy memories" do they? In these circumstances? Not a chance anyone will be happy, and many eggshells will be walked upon big time. I'd hate it, and I think I'd refuse to go, but I'd ask if GPs would go with YOU and YOUR family separately sharing the costs 50/50.

Think it over. GPs might be happy to go separately aswell. Group family holidays can work out, but rarely go without any hitches and fallouts IME. We've given up on them and just do our own thing no matter what emotional blackmail is sent our way.

I haven't (obviously) read every post, and I think you have left it up to GPs to decide. But I'm not sure what she is deciding on!

If the decision is for you all to go, then I suppose for GPs sake I'd tag along just this time, but I would insist on accommodation at least ten minutes walking distance of GP and SIL, in the same area, but far enough away to be able to distance myself if the shit hits the fan!

Sorry, I realise I've not been 100% clear. So after PiLs suggested the holiday my MiL immediately worried that SiL would want to invite her new 'step'children. DH and I at the time encouraged her not to worry and said it wasn't likely that this would even be suggested, especially as PiLs are paying and we've only met them once for a couple of hours. (Clearly MiL sensed or knew something we didn't!) But during that conversation I did say to her I'd prefer if they didn't come and explained why. SiL voicing the ultimatum of they come or no one does is what's prompted a re-request for my opinion from MiL. When we speak next I can explain that I have a personal view but also respect that it's not my decision to make.

Are SiL and new partner married? Why are his children being called step-kids?

I grew up in an enforced blended family. When my father died unexpectedly that was it, no more pretending to be happy families. None of the ‘step-siblings’ really got on and we all said good bye at the funeral. Step-grandparents along with other step-relatives evaporated. The enforced pretence by my father, stepmother, mother and stepfather ceased immediately. Stepmother and her children took the cash and left.

Sorry, used 'step'children as that's how they're being described by SiL and partner but no - technically SiL and BiL are still married and new partner and his wife are still married.

Poor MIL, she can’t really win here. I think you need to try and support her decision, but if affair partner’s children come, protect your children by doing your own thing really.

Honestly I'm struggling to see where you should have any say in the matter really. You surely don't have any place in dictating who should or shouldn't be welcomed into somebody else's family?

I don't, as I've literally said in my OP and in several replies. 🙂 My MiL is asking for my opinion, presumably as it will maybe inform her decision. She recognises that her decision as to who is invited or not invited will affect us all differently?

Honestly, if you CBA to RTFT, why bother replying?

Very much agree. Will wait to see what she and FiL decide I guess.

SiL issuing ultimatums gives your PiL and easy answer, IMO.

SiL: Either we all come or I won't come
PiL: Well, that's a shame, but if that's your decision we'll just take ds, w104ever, and their dc then.

Late poster here, I’ve read all the posts, maybe (very possibly!) I’m wrong, but I get the feeling your MIL is a really nice person, and as such she loathes upsetting anyone.

Because of this, I think she will bow to your SIL demands, which I see as totally selfish, in order to keep her relationship with her daughter and grandchildren. That relationship to her is precious, absolutely understandable.

Your SIL, however is a right piece of work blackmailing her mother and in turn the rest of you, totally spoiling something which could have been the absolute high point of your collective year. Sadly I think this proposed treat is tainted by your SIL wanting, (and intending) to rule the roost. I wouldn’t be rewarding bad behavior. Good suggestion further upthread to maybe postpone.

Does this new chap actually want to go on this holiday?

So sad for your MIL, all this fuss over what should have been an exciting time.

No one else is brave enough to challenge her either

May I ask why not, @w104ever?

I'm aware you said she's a "strong personality in the family", "goes for the jugular" if called out and that you all "walk on eggshells" around her, but just how much will you all put up with because she wants her own way? Is it really worth the family's lovely plans being trashed for the sake of some shouting and stamping?

I'm all for preserving family harmony within reason, but frankly she needs telling no and if she strops so what?

Yes, agree with the previous poster that “going along” with things is rewarding bad behaviour. There are 6 adults involved in this and 4 of them (including the ones footing the bill!) have to bow to the other 2? It’s ridiculous. As the PP said, if SIL put it as an ultimatum, call her on it! It might damage the relationship, but this is not a relationship worth having.

Or offer to just take the children-the cousins, not the new children, and leave the adults

Surely then it's BIL's turn to come and they can stay at home with new guys kids.

The whole point of the holiday was to cheer your MIL up. It won’t be a happy holiday if there are tensions already.

Say you are happy to go with your family, but not with SIL and entourage, because you think it would be too stressful for you as your kids were uncomfortable when they met up with the new family. If your MIL wants an excuse to block your SIL then tell her to use you as an excuse.

@Onthemaintrunkline Yes, I believe MiL is well-intentioned. She isn't perfect (who is!?) and I can see why SiL has felt slighted by MiL in the past. I'm sure if SiL was posting here she'd see this situation very differently, with her being persecuted by everyone else. I think new chap does want to come, the proposed destination is somewhere he's wanted to go.

Won't work. OP said MIL will never ditch SIL to go just with them. I agree it won't at all be the happy relaxing time MIL wants, though.

I agree about trying to keep your distance during the holiday to remain on good terms. If you end up going it would be better if you were in separate accommodation or laid down ground rules that you will do your own thing during the day then will meet up in the evenings only.

You absolutely may ask! 😊 So in my family when we have disagreements we tend to air them, talk it through, repair the rupture etc. I guess it feels safe to do so as a) it's what we've had modelled to us and always done and b) we know that even in anger we wouldn't be outwardly aggressive or attacking to eachother. DH views this as my family being unusually emotionally literate with eachother... Maybe we are.

DH's family is the polar opposite. Any issue is brushed under the rug and everyone is scared of upsetting eachother. So when I naiively brought up a difficulty with my SiL I never in a million years expected to receive the response that I did. She was very aggressive and very personal, using things I'd confided in her about from my past and said things that are truly more hurtful than anything another adult has ever said to me. It was deeply, deeply upsetting for me and has been very effective in meaning I don't ever want to be on the receiving end of it again. I understand she does the same with MiL if she ever feels criticised or attacked (even if the intention of MiL is neither). Part of the response was SiL telling me I'm not a part of their family and I need to respect that I have no right to voice my opinions within it. (Which maybe explains why I've felt conflicted about giving my opinion now). It's all a bit messy.

But we see threads all the time about not leaving ‘step kids’ out. Just because of the parents affair I think the same applies sadly