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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-law blended family holiday drama.

232 replies

w104ever · 20/10/2025 14:04

Without wanting to write too much of an essay...

MiL had a really hard time earlier in the year and felt very low. She and FiL wanted to plan something to help her feel better/ give her happy memories. They decided they wanted to take us (their son/my DH, me and our two children), plus their daughter (my SiL), her two children and SiL's new partner away on a holiday abroad, which is obviously very generous of them. Challenge now is that SiL and her partner are insisting that his two children must come as well.

Relevant info here... 'new partner' is SiL's boss. They had an affair in work for a year, my BiL and boss' wife had no idea. We only found out at the end of 2024 when they did. (None of us saw it coming and are all still feeling upset as everyone was close to SiL's husband and understandably don't agree with the affair). My PiLs and my DH/ children have only met new partner's children once to date. It didn't go brilliantly as my SiL literally just brought them to PiL's house with no discussion beforehand which upset my MiL, who didn't feel ready to meet them. Also unfortunately during the visit one of our kids felt picked on by one of his kids. (I did overhear his child saying some unkind things to ours and our child was definitely left out of play by all the other children which was naturally upsetting for them).

So PiLs don't know what to do - we've all said that we'd rather not have his kids come as we barely know them and it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. SiL has already said they'll pay for his kids to come so can't use that as a barrier. She is saying if they can't come then she and her children won't be either.

I can see her point in that it might be hard for his children if they knew their dad was going away on a holiday and they weren't invited. SiL has also insisted that new parter comes. They all live together 50/50 so his kids would have an awareness of my SiL's children having a holiday too.

Equally I feel protective of my own children's wellbeing and them getting time with their cousins. We don't get to see them that often so time is precious. I'm worried that we'll go on this special holiday and our child will be picked on again and it will be miserable for them (and subsequently miserable for the rest of us).

MiL and I have shared that it does feel a bit like we're all being forced by SiL to accept her new blended family really quickly, when none of us have had time to really process it all. (Within two weeks of SiL telling her children that their parents' marriage was ending she introduced them to her new partner and his kids and they moved in with him less than a month later, so from the outside this has all felt a bit rushed to the rest of us).

MiL feels trapped as she doesn't want to cause drama (SiL will react strongly if told no) but equally feels strongly about this trip being planned as her being able to spend time with her grandchildren. I guess my AIBU is given I'm being asked my opinion by MiL am I unreasonable to be honest and voice that I'd prefer the holiday to not include new partner's children? (Even though I fully respect it's not my decision as I'm not paying for it).

OP posts:
Endofyear · 20/10/2025 16:45

I think it's fine for you to voice your opinion if asked by MIL what you would prefer but ultimately its PILs decision and their problem to sort out with their daughter. I'd keep out of it as much as you can.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 20/10/2025 16:46

The holiday would be an ideal opportunity for her new boyfriend to stay home and spend some quality time with his children while she takes hers on holiday to focus on them.

These poor kids’ lives have been ripped apart and making them play happy families is abuse.

thing47 · 20/10/2025 16:46

Crunchymum · 20/10/2025 15:20

Last year the holiday was only four months after we found out about new partner. He came instead of my BiL and it was a bit awkward

Wait, are you saying the boss / affair man came on a family holiday last year?

Well the precedent has been set there hasn't it?

Edited

The precedent has been set for inviting the boyfriend, and he is invited again.

There's no such precedent for his kids to come, though. Grandparents are under absolutely no obligation to extend an invitation to unrelated children purely because their child has a new boyfriend who has children from a precious relationship.

PullTheBricksDown · 20/10/2025 16:48

Could you suggest that SIL and the blended family 😬 go one year and you'll go away with them next year? Frame it as them having more time to spend with the grandkids rather than being too crowded. I get that you want them to have cousin time but could you arrange that at another point, maybe on your BIL's time?

Your SIL sounds like a nightmare spoilt cow who always gets everything her way and so has become a nightmare as a result. I would not want to go, but also I'd want to be there to defend my child. What a mess.

Irenesortof · 20/10/2025 16:55

w104ever · 20/10/2025 15:53

I'm also not sure if this holiday can work. 😅 PiLs would never go away with us but without SiL or her children, which I understand.

Show quote history

In that case there must be something else that she’d enjoy doing. Something less stressful! Maybe a weekend away with you, then a weekend with SIL on another occasion?

Ellie56 · 20/10/2025 16:57

A toxic SIL, a new partner and two kids you hardly know, one of whom has already upset your own child. Hmm That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Unless you can find some way of distancing yourselves from the rest of the group if it all gets too much, quite frankly I wouldn't be going.

Cocolapew · 20/10/2025 17:02

I'd invite bil and his children, and leave sil behind.

EsmeSusanOgg · 20/10/2025 17:04

Honestly - the more you say - the more I would say do not go, do not send your children. It just simply does not work. I would not waste precious a/l on this trip, even if you wanted to do so for MIL. Your children will see an unhealthy toxic mess play out. They will be unhappy, you will be unhappy, your in-laws will be unhappy.

tragichero · 20/10/2025 17:07

OK, there are two things I want to say about this. I understand you are upset about the situation OP, so please don't take either as a criticism. I just want to give my experience and honest opinion, in the hope that it helps.

  1. Much as you all liked BIL and are sad the relationship has ended - clearly SIL wasn't happy with him, for whatever reason. People don't leave happy marriages. And she does have, like everyone else, only one life, and a right to pursue her own happiness.

The only thing I judge her for is moving the two families in together so soon - that's not good - but maybe financially they had little choice?

Anyway, what's done is done. The new guy is her choice, and if you all love her you need to accept her right to be with him, and that his kids come as part of the package. Actually, in a way it speaks well of him (a little) that he hasn't just abandoned them for the shiny new family, as many men do.

When I left my husband due to his affair, and he decides to make a go of it with the OW, her extended family accepted him and DD wholeheartedly, and why shouldn't they? He hasn't done anything totally evil - just fallen in love - and DD certainly has done no wrong. They are both invited to family events, family holidays. DD isn't keen on the OW herself but really likes the new step-grandparebtsz as it happens, and the step aunties and uncles. And she would have felt left out, I think, if her dad had gone on family holidays with them all but left her behind.

I think the kind thing to do is to accept these kids have had it rough to, and to include them and try to give them a sense of belonging if possible.

  1. When you described your youngest being left out, I assume that was by all the kids, not just the new kids? So it isn't just the responsibility of the new kids to ensure it doesn't happen again. In a kind way (because all these kids have gone through some unheval, to differing degrees) I would speak to your youngest's siblings and cousins and make it clear to them that this isn't kind, and it's their joint responsibility, as kind people, to ensure NOBODY is left out. It can be easy to scapegoat the "new kids" in this scenario, I get this - but actually, all kids involved are equally responsible.

I hope these make sense. I mean it respectfully - I get that this won't be the holiday you wanted. But in the interests of future family harmony I would suck it up. The past may be less than ideal , but hopefully with compassion you can all build a better future together.

Good luck!

TheGoddessAthena · 20/10/2025 17:07

They are de facto step grandkids and siblings now.

What a load of rubbish. These children are not half-siblings, they are not related AT ALL given that their father is not married to the OP's sister in law, and has been shagging her for about 10 minutes. Asking for them to be included - or demanding they be included - is totally unreasonable.

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2025 17:10

FairFuming · 20/10/2025 14:34

I think you just need to say whatever you decide is what we will make work to you MIL, you don't want to be the scapegoat/bad guy for why they weren't invited and why her daughter didn't come.
We do full family holidays often and they are hard work but my parents and the kids really loved them, we always allow a few things to do separately so we can have a break, maybe just plan a few your family only times and set clear boundaries that his children need to be nice to all the cousins.

Do you holiday with virtual strangers?

nosleepforme · 20/10/2025 17:15

Sounds like a disaster. It’s a no for me.

SyrupofFigs · 20/10/2025 17:19

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/10/2025 14:23

i think that would be really unkind to the pil

Show quote history

Yes, but OP's overall priority is her child. Horrible to expect them to go on holiday with a kid who's picked on them.

Diarygirlqueen · 20/10/2025 17:21

I think I would be advising to your PILs that they should be holding off for a year, I don't agree with always going along with something to hold peace.
Your sil behaves appallingly and it appears as if everyone round her let's her get away with it.

SockBanana · 20/10/2025 17:22

I'm a wimp with this sort of thing, and would make an excuse/lie to not be able to attend.
Has annual leave already been booked? Can you say you're not able to get leave at that time (or any other time they suggest) and you understand if they want to go ahead without you, but you'd love to go so could it be moved to the following year?

Time should help, one way or another.

SyrupofFigs · 20/10/2025 17:22

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/10/2025 14:23

i think that would be really unkind to the pil

Show quote history

But kinder to OP's picked on child.
Most parents would put their kid's well-being over that of their in-laws

aCatCalledFawkes · 20/10/2025 17:30

It sounds like an awful idea, everything feels incredibly rushed for both sets of children and for yours. If it was a couple of years down the line when things were more settled and everything was still really happy then would see less of a problem and of course the kids would come. The kids won't really know each other let alone your children or your PIL.
If they do come what is type of holiday would it be? I think separate accommodation would reduce the stress on everyone.

CopperWhite · 20/10/2025 17:38

w104ever · 20/10/2025 16:14

@mindutopiaBoss man did actually say in front of us "another option is I don't go" but SiL immediately said absolutely not, he's coming.

Your SIL is a nasty piece of work who clearly only cares about herself. No care about how any of the children l, her parents, her brother or her SIL might feel. Then there’s the two people whose lives they screwed over. The step children’s mum probably doesn’t want to send her kids on holiday with the other woman’s family.

Original poster
w104ever · 20/10/2025 17:43

tragichero · 20/10/2025 17:07

OK, there are two things I want to say about this. I understand you are upset about the situation OP, so please don't take either as a criticism. I just want to give my experience and honest opinion, in the hope that it helps.

  1. Much as you all liked BIL and are sad the relationship has ended - clearly SIL wasn't happy with him, for whatever reason. People don't leave happy marriages. And she does have, like everyone else, only one life, and a right to pursue her own happiness.

The only thing I judge her for is moving the two families in together so soon - that's not good - but maybe financially they had little choice?

Anyway, what's done is done. The new guy is her choice, and if you all love her you need to accept her right to be with him, and that his kids come as part of the package. Actually, in a way it speaks well of him (a little) that he hasn't just abandoned them for the shiny new family, as many men do.

When I left my husband due to his affair, and he decides to make a go of it with the OW, her extended family accepted him and DD wholeheartedly, and why shouldn't they? He hasn't done anything totally evil - just fallen in love - and DD certainly has done no wrong. They are both invited to family events, family holidays. DD isn't keen on the OW herself but really likes the new step-grandparebtsz as it happens, and the step aunties and uncles. And she would have felt left out, I think, if her dad had gone on family holidays with them all but left her behind.

I think the kind thing to do is to accept these kids have had it rough to, and to include them and try to give them a sense of belonging if possible.

  1. When you described your youngest being left out, I assume that was by all the kids, not just the new kids? So it isn't just the responsibility of the new kids to ensure it doesn't happen again. In a kind way (because all these kids have gone through some unheval, to differing degrees) I would speak to your youngest's siblings and cousins and make it clear to them that this isn't kind, and it's their joint responsibility, as kind people, to ensure NOBODY is left out. It can be easy to scapegoat the "new kids" in this scenario, I get this - but actually, all kids involved are equally responsible.

I hope these make sense. I mean it respectfully - I get that this won't be the holiday you wanted. But in the interests of future family harmony I would suck it up. The past may be less than ideal , but hopefully with compassion you can all build a better future together.

Good luck!

I really appreciate your response, and don't see it as a criticism. It's actually my oldest who was the one who was left out - they are a different sex to their sibling and cousins which has never been an issue. But on this occasion they were told by one of new partner's children that they weren't allowed to join in with any of the games because of their sex. (Hope that makes sense, trying to maintain some anonymity here!) I agree that it was the responsibility of all the kids to include everyone and I've discussed it with SiLs children.

I agree SiL has a right to be happy, I just wish (as we all do) that she'd been honest with BiL about how unhappy she was and ended her marriage before doing anything with her boss. And likewise on his side, we wish he'd left his wife rather than buying their "dream house" together only for him to leave her and kick her out of it literally two months later. 😔

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 20/10/2025 17:55

Sounds like someone needs to be honest and say what everyone else is thinking rather than all the hand wringing.

Lollypop701 · 20/10/2025 17:58

Sounds like it’s going to happen op… make sure you have some plans for your own family so you can get a break from what is going to be a difficult time… don’t mention it in advance or other people will try and join in. Good luck, think you will need it

CraftyYankee · 20/10/2025 18:03

Wow, he's a real prince. It takes a special kind of shitty person to do that to your wife.

Evergreen21 · 20/10/2025 18:12

I think you've made the right decision to leave it up to mil. She is likely going to invite them and then moan about it after. At that point if I was you I just wouldn't entertain the moaning.

I have a sister who very much sounds like your sil, my brother too tiptoes around her. My sister and I refuse to, this does result in arguments but I've had years of practice of shutting her shit down and she behaves much better now as she knows we won't accept her behaviour.

Ultimately you choose how you deal with people like this.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/10/2025 18:15

w104ever · 20/10/2025 17:43

I really appreciate your response, and don't see it as a criticism. It's actually my oldest who was the one who was left out - they are a different sex to their sibling and cousins which has never been an issue. But on this occasion they were told by one of new partner's children that they weren't allowed to join in with any of the games because of their sex. (Hope that makes sense, trying to maintain some anonymity here!) I agree that it was the responsibility of all the kids to include everyone and I've discussed it with SiLs children.

I agree SiL has a right to be happy, I just wish (as we all do) that she'd been honest with BiL about how unhappy she was and ended her marriage before doing anything with her boss. And likewise on his side, we wish he'd left his wife rather than buying their "dream house" together only for him to leave her and kick her out of it literally two months later. 😔

Show quote history

Why on earth did his wife leave the marital home when he was the one who was having an affair? He sounds pretty despicable. Your SIL is just as bad for saying horrible things about her new partner's ex-wife.

I wouldn't want to be socialising with either of them and the fact that his kids deliberately targetted your elder child for exclusion from their games would be the final straw.

Jamesblonde2 · 20/10/2025 18:17

That’s weird of him. He wants his children to go on holiday with nigh on strangers. He should just do another holiday. Yeah usual blended family drama, I don’t know why anyone puts themselves in that situation.