In-law blended family holiday drama.

[w104ever]

Without wanting to write too much of an essay...

MiL had a really hard time earlier in the year and felt very low. She and FiL wanted to plan something to help her feel better/ give her happy memories. They decided they wanted to take us (their son/my DH, me and our two children), plus their daughter (my SiL), her two children and SiL's new partner away on a holiday abroad, which is obviously very generous of them. Challenge now is that SiL and her partner are insisting that his two children must come as well.

Relevant info here... 'new partner' is SiL's boss. They had an affair in work for a year, my BiL and boss' wife had no idea. We only found out at the end of 2024 when they did. (None of us saw it coming and are all still feeling upset as everyone was close to SiL's husband and understandably don't agree with the affair). My PiLs and my DH/ children have only met new partner's children once to date. It didn't go brilliantly as my SiL literally just brought them to PiL's house with no discussion beforehand which upset my MiL, who didn't feel ready to meet them. Also unfortunately during the visit one of our kids felt picked on by one of his kids. (I did overhear his child saying some unkind things to ours and our child was definitely left out of play by all the other children which was naturally upsetting for them).

So PiLs don't know what to do - we've all said that we'd rather not have his kids come as we barely know them and it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. SiL has already said they'll pay for his kids to come so can't use that as a barrier. She is saying if they can't come then she and her children won't be either.

I can see her point in that it might be hard for his children if they knew their dad was going away on a holiday and they weren't invited. SiL has also insisted that new parter comes. They all live together 50/50 so his kids would have an awareness of my SiL's children having a holiday too.

Equally I feel protective of my own children's wellbeing and them getting time with their cousins. We don't get to see them that often so time is precious. I'm worried that we'll go on this special holiday and our child will be picked on again and it will be miserable for them (and subsequently miserable for the rest of us).

MiL and I have shared that it does feel a bit like we're all being forced by SiL to accept her new blended family really quickly, when none of us have had time to really process it all. (Within two weeks of SiL telling her children that their parents' marriage was ending she introduced them to her new partner and his kids and they moved in with him less than a month later, so from the outside this has all felt a bit rushed to the rest of us).

MiL feels trapped as she doesn't want to cause drama (SiL will react strongly if told no) but equally feels strongly about this trip being planned as her being able to spend time with her grandchildren. I guess my AIBU is given I'm being asked my opinion by MiL am I unreasonable to be honest and voice that I'd prefer the holiday to not include new partner's children? (Even though I fully respect it's not my decision as I'm not paying for it).

@w104ever Your SIL has given you a perfect get-out clause by saying this:

'Part of the response was SiL telling me I'm not a part of their family and I need to respect that I have no right to voice my opinions within it.'

If you, married to her brother and the mother of his children, aren't considered to be part of the family, her affair partner should be even further down the pecking order than you are, so absolutely isn't welcome on a 'family' holiday.

She sounds utterly dreadful btw and I wouldn't have anything to do with her after she said that.

Your SIL is vicious, why would you ever dream of putting yourself and your children in her way again.
No holiday is worth it.

That was not my point though.
All I was saying is that because someone behaves horribly with their « first family » doesn’t necessarily mean they will do the same with the next one.

Who cares? They're still a shit person. The second family doesn't make up for the first one.

Still really shit for the kids of the first family. I still suffer from that not good enough feeling and playing second fiddle to the second family.

how Is your MIL thinking it will be a good memory? No one is ready for this and even in the making it starts to crumble…

A simple, we will move this to next year when things have settled would be wise.

I wish people would realise that children are innocents in all this family drama.

Being a blended family is hard. (We have one) but my wonderful in-laws and my parents made my son and my husbands daughter right at home and part of the family… at highs and lows.

Personally I don’t see what your in-laws are concerned about. They’re not going to pay. It would be like same time/same place type of deal

on the subject of going away without your kids, it depends on their age. We never went away by ourselves until our honeymoon. Son was 16 and daughter was 10. I think below 10 is quite selfish as they can’t understand why you get something as big as a holiday and they don’t.

but anyway. Kids are innocents in drama. Get over it.

Especially if he's not paying?

I would encourage PILs to leave the holiday for a year to at least give everyone the opportunity to get to know each other better. You all going on holiday so soon will be a disaster. Plus in a years time it will test if the relationship is going to last and the kids will have had some time to get used to one another.

What ages are all the children as the older ones may be bullying younger ones

I know you have your concerns about your child but this really doesn't have a lot to do with you. I can't imagine just how hard this is for your PIL. I'd support them in the decision they make and wouldn't dream of influencing it.

With your FiL, BiL and Hubby get together and say a firm no to SiL. Expect drama but don't let it ruin your time with MiL. You're a lovely daughter in law to have and your SiL sounds like a toxic person to be around. Stay strong and have a lovely holiday.

I genuinely think the holiday should be postponed. Your MIL is entitled to say she just wants to spend quality time with her own grandchildren and not include the children of a stranger. Postponing the holiday would give everyone a chance to get to know each other better. Or possibly show, over time, that a joint holiday simply would not work. I must say, given everything you have said about your SIL, I would never want to be in the same room with her ever again let alone away on holiday. I hope a suitable resolution can be found. I would definitely not want to go under the current circumstances. Good luck.

I must admit OP you are a better person than me as l could not stomach your SIL and new man behaviour,.absolutely disgusting when you mentioned kicking his own wife out of their home and instal SIL in it, SIL has no shame.

Quite a large age range -oldest is 12, youngest is 4.

I feel sorry for all the children in this situation, especially the sil’s. It must be so upsetting for them to have their parents split up and in a heartbeat have to be living with people they don’t know. Probably why one of them was being unkind. Acting out his feelings on the op’s kids. No winners in this unfortunately.

I would send a message to MIL saying you don’t want to go if the kids come. They haven’t even had a holiday together just them yet!!! Once they do that and it’s all solidified a bit, it will be different. It’s too soon no matter what some other posters say. I say this having been a stepchild to 3 different step-parents.

Everyone is also assuming the step-kids even want to go, maybe they don’t want to go away with the woman who in their eyes kicked their mum out of the house and her strange (to them) family?!

4?! Oh that’s even more sad 😢 I have a 4 year old and imagining his little heart if his dad chucked me out or vice versa and got a replacement is too sad.

I definitely agree with the idea that postponing the holiday is best. If the new partner's kids are to come along then I definitely think our kids and PiLs would benefit from having met them more and got a chance to know them. Reading all the replies has been really helpful, thank you. It's helped me to realise that regardless of whatever I think of SiL / affair / new partner the bit that's really felt uncomfortable is that we simply don't know these two children. And a family holiday is quite an intense and intimate time for us to all be shoved together.

Agree and also that it’s probably not wise for their first holiday together to be with her entire family - but it doesn’t sound like common sense is your SIL or Boss Man’s strong suit 🤔

Maybe tell your MIL quickly before you find the children’s places are booked and it can’t be changed 🤣

She probably doesn't trust him enough to leave him alone.

It’s understandable (natural? Ironic pun…), that your MiL will be bowled over by new events, ‘new’ grandkids, and there’ll presumably be a feeling of betrayal re: your SiL’s recent ex, but…it’s not your (or her?) call to make. The ‘new’ kids won’t fit in till they’re a more regular part of the family and that involves…family events. I feel more sorry for the SiL new partner’s ex. Her kids off on a jaunt with her ex and his new family but…it’s the new dynamic. Some people have no grandchildren. Your MiL’s extended brood just got bigger.

I don't see what difference it makes that her boyfriend is also her boss.
It's just that someone does not have the right to invite extra people on a fully paid for holiday. That's a ridiculous piss take.
It matters not whether he's her boss, her chartered accountant, Elon Musk or the dustman.

Obviously if he wants his kids to come he must pay for them. If that doesn't suit him then his invite is rescinded.

Pretty simple really.

"I can see her point in that it might be hard for his children if they knew their dad was going away on a holiday and they weren't invited."

I think they will be more upset by other aspects of his behaviour.