In-law blended family holiday drama.

[w104ever]

Without wanting to write too much of an essay...

MiL had a really hard time earlier in the year and felt very low. She and FiL wanted to plan something to help her feel better/ give her happy memories. They decided they wanted to take us (their son/my DH, me and our two children), plus their daughter (my SiL), her two children and SiL's new partner away on a holiday abroad, which is obviously very generous of them. Challenge now is that SiL and her partner are insisting that his two children must come as well.

Relevant info here... 'new partner' is SiL's boss. They had an affair in work for a year, my BiL and boss' wife had no idea. We only found out at the end of 2024 when they did. (None of us saw it coming and are all still feeling upset as everyone was close to SiL's husband and understandably don't agree with the affair). My PiLs and my DH/ children have only met new partner's children once to date. It didn't go brilliantly as my SiL literally just brought them to PiL's house with no discussion beforehand which upset my MiL, who didn't feel ready to meet them. Also unfortunately during the visit one of our kids felt picked on by one of his kids. (I did overhear his child saying some unkind things to ours and our child was definitely left out of play by all the other children which was naturally upsetting for them).

So PiLs don't know what to do - we've all said that we'd rather not have his kids come as we barely know them and it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. SiL has already said they'll pay for his kids to come so can't use that as a barrier. She is saying if they can't come then she and her children won't be either.

I can see her point in that it might be hard for his children if they knew their dad was going away on a holiday and they weren't invited. SiL has also insisted that new parter comes. They all live together 50/50 so his kids would have an awareness of my SiL's children having a holiday too.

Equally I feel protective of my own children's wellbeing and them getting time with their cousins. We don't get to see them that often so time is precious. I'm worried that we'll go on this special holiday and our child will be picked on again and it will be miserable for them (and subsequently miserable for the rest of us).

MiL and I have shared that it does feel a bit like we're all being forced by SiL to accept her new blended family really quickly, when none of us have had time to really process it all. (Within two weeks of SiL telling her children that their parents' marriage was ending she introduced them to her new partner and his kids and they moved in with him less than a month later, so from the outside this has all felt a bit rushed to the rest of us).

MiL feels trapped as she doesn't want to cause drama (SiL will react strongly if told no) but equally feels strongly about this trip being planned as her being able to spend time with her grandchildren. I guess my AIBU is given I'm being asked my opinion by MiL am I unreasonable to be honest and voice that I'd prefer the holiday to not include new partner's children? (Even though I fully respect it's not my decision as I'm not paying for it).

Even more extreme. My dad met my mum when he was married with two kids, abandoned his family and moved to another country with my mum… and was an amazing husband and dad for the next 45 years!

Your own family sound as if they have a very healthy approach, @w104ever, but it occurs to me that SIL did you a backhanded favour in saying you're "not a part of their family and I need to respect that I have no right to voice my opinions within it"

Appalling as it was, hasn't that just offered you an ideal response when told what her recently acquired partner wants?

I agree, I think she gave you a golden sword she can fall upon. Her new partner is no more part of the family than you (according to her own rules). Personally I think pandering to her nonsense won’t really do anything other than ruining the holiday for all of you. I’ve no doubt it will go ahead but secretly you’ll all (but maybe her and her partner) be wishing it wasn’t and that really is a shame.

Your poor MIL. I would on this occasion be led by her wants and needs and be encouraging her to speak for herself and what she wants.

I would say to her that while it’s not what you would choose to do, you’ll go along with it but only if that’s what she really wants.

She can postpone like another PP suggested, or make it a little shorter so it’s bearable for everyone. Meanwhile you will need to manage the situation if it did happen - separate villas, arrive later, or leave earlier so there’s a bearable overlap etc.

DH also needs to be having a word with his sister and telling her that it’s going to take some time for everyone to get used to this new dynamic which has been forced up you all. And she would be doing herself a favour in the long term if she stopped forcing people to accept her decisions.

I would tell your MIL to scrap the whole thing to be honest.

I would tell her to say ‘Look let’s take a rain check for now. It was supposed to cheer me up, but all this stress over Jane’s new bloke and his kids has taken the shine off a bit. Let’s wait for the dust to settle.’

I can’t believe your SIL and the new bloke are so bloody ignorant to not realise that the whole family doesn’t want to go on holiday with two kids they barely know.

Part of the response was SiL telling me I'm not a part of their family and I need to respect that I have no right to voice my opinions within it.

@w104ever

There's MIL's get out right there. This is supposed to be a family holiday. The only people going should be family. New man and his kids are not family so have no right to be going.

Thank you for yr reply. On such a short acquaintance, I think he should be paying for himself and his children. It’s kind enough he was asked!

Yr poor parents in law! Dammed if they do and dammed if they don’t. No winners here.

Oh ahahah

If your married in and not family then her affair partner can fuck off royally. No ring no dna definitely not family bye.

Seriously I wouldn’t go at all if the Sil does by the sounds of her. I’d apologise to MIL and just say you can’t and won’t be dealing with the stress of Sil with or without her partners children.

bow out and wish them a happy holiday.

His poor abandoned family, did he ever feel guilt?

Indeed those poor children grew up. Not being enough for their father and to add insult he was a great dad to his next batch. Like it makes it better 😬

Pull the plug on the family holiday if you can’t all agree. Plan a day out for all of you to get to k ow each other better if you’re feeling generous.

in a few weeks Maybe you can book a holiday as a treat for MIL to join your nuclear family holiday. and FIL can pay for himself to come.

we had a similar situation in our family but 20 years later the affair couple are still together. You don’t know if it’s just a fling it could be the best thing to happen to SIL

I really feel for your mother in law, it was incredibly generous of her to include the new partner, SIL seems determined to force the relationship onto everyone. I would postpone the trip if I was her.

Well, this isn’t extortion by your SIL.

But it could be coercion.
”If you don’t invite my lover and his kids, then my kids and I aren’t attending.”

That’s pretty much classic coercion.
Not for a court of law, but just the description.

This is why I will not go on holiday with multiple family members. Your responsibility is to your kids so go with your gut.

"Part of the response was SiL telling me I'm not a part of their family and I need to respect that I have no right to voice my opinions within it."

Pah! Well isn't she a hypocrite! Her affair boss man partner is even LESS part of their family than YOU are, and his children EVEN LESS THAN THAT.

She sounds utterly vile, and toxic. These things are sent to try us!!

And considering this ^ experience you should have learnt your lesson and just step away. You should have rinsed and repeated to your MIL - it’s up to you what to do, we are happy with whatever. Can’t you see where it is all going? You will be blamed and ostracised so you need to leave them to their drama.
MIL will tell SIL everything what you said 100% and MIL will always end up on SIL’s side.
If I were you I would go to MIL now and tell her that of course you should include new guy and his kids as they were family now.
And then I would think about potential problems between kids and how to handle them but I wouldn’t discuss it with MIL or SIL or even with DH tbh. During the trip I would just address any disagreements between kids as ordinary everyday disagreements that might happen any time between siblings/ cousins/ friends.
And in the future I would only agree to things if it’s convenient for you annual leave and kids routine wise etc. and I would take the argument about SIL out of conversation completely.

I like the idea of MiL inviting her Grandchildren and their (wronged) father, MiL's Son-i-L.

I'm sure she won't, but it would be a great thing to do.

You could maybe read the thread...or just the OPs posts if reading the entire thread would be too taxing for you.

"abandoned his family and moved to another country with my mum… and was an amazing husband and dad for the next 45 years"

In what universe can someone who abandoned his children ever be considered an "amazing dad?"

Your SIL and her fancy man are both absolutely appalling parents. The affair and speed at which they expected their children to meet their new partner and then move in, well in years to come I wouldn't be surprised if their children have a lot of trauma and/or resentment. Hopefully each set of children have stability in their other parent.

The brain & heart sides of me says to focus on whatever is best for the grandchildren most impacted by their mother's actions. They've had a terrible time. Followed by what MIL wants. Your in-laws could come up with an excuse to delay the holiday by a year and see how this relationship plays out. Maybe they could site health reasons?

The cheeky side of me says invite ex BIL and the grandchildren and leave their adult daughter to sit on her lonesome while you all enjoy your time away. The problem with people like your SIL is loved ones are scared of their reactions and retaliation, with good reason!

Best wishes

p.s. If you all go, book lots of day trips for your immediate family so your children aren't stuck in an unkind situation with the other children who in fairness may be acting out b/c of what their Dad did. It can't be easy for them either.

That’s exactly the point the poster I was answering to was making, as much as we’d like to think that the cheating husband / shit dad / lazy partner / etc will behave the same with the OW, it is definitely not always the case.

@w104everwith your most recent update, I would go Switzerland on this and refuse to get involved. Tell MIL that your family will go along with whatever you decide. Sounds like everyone in their family is frightened about antagonising SIL so you are absolutely being set up as the patsy here for delivering bad news. To be fair on MIL she may not have done this intentionally, but it’s absolutely what will happen.

I do find the responses interesting. Usually on here DGPs and other relatives are roundly castigated for not treating all DCs in a blended family equally. This apparently is a different situation because of how the relationship started. I am not sure what’s absolutely right and wrong, just intrigued as to why that makes a difference.

The reason why nobody is castigating the MIL for not treating all the children exactly the same is surely because they’ve only met once?

It would be odd to expect much of a relationship based on a single meeting.

Your sil sounds like a royal bitch @w104ever - I’m astonished your DH didn’t go
nuclear rather than pussy footing around her. My DH would never stand for that from his siblings.

He was an amazing dad for you. He was an absolutely shit dad to the children he abandoned, which makes him an absolutely horrible person in my opinion.