In-law blended family holiday drama.

[w104ever]

Without wanting to write too much of an essay...

MiL had a really hard time earlier in the year and felt very low. She and FiL wanted to plan something to help her feel better/ give her happy memories. They decided they wanted to take us (their son/my DH, me and our two children), plus their daughter (my SiL), her two children and SiL's new partner away on a holiday abroad, which is obviously very generous of them. Challenge now is that SiL and her partner are insisting that his two children must come as well.

Relevant info here... 'new partner' is SiL's boss. They had an affair in work for a year, my BiL and boss' wife had no idea. We only found out at the end of 2024 when they did. (None of us saw it coming and are all still feeling upset as everyone was close to SiL's husband and understandably don't agree with the affair). My PiLs and my DH/ children have only met new partner's children once to date. It didn't go brilliantly as my SiL literally just brought them to PiL's house with no discussion beforehand which upset my MiL, who didn't feel ready to meet them. Also unfortunately during the visit one of our kids felt picked on by one of his kids. (I did overhear his child saying some unkind things to ours and our child was definitely left out of play by all the other children which was naturally upsetting for them).

So PiLs don't know what to do - we've all said that we'd rather not have his kids come as we barely know them and it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. SiL has already said they'll pay for his kids to come so can't use that as a barrier. She is saying if they can't come then she and her children won't be either.

I can see her point in that it might be hard for his children if they knew their dad was going away on a holiday and they weren't invited. SiL has also insisted that new parter comes. They all live together 50/50 so his kids would have an awareness of my SiL's children having a holiday too.

Equally I feel protective of my own children's wellbeing and them getting time with their cousins. We don't get to see them that often so time is precious. I'm worried that we'll go on this special holiday and our child will be picked on again and it will be miserable for them (and subsequently miserable for the rest of us).

MiL and I have shared that it does feel a bit like we're all being forced by SiL to accept her new blended family really quickly, when none of us have had time to really process it all. (Within two weeks of SiL telling her children that their parents' marriage was ending she introduced them to her new partner and his kids and they moved in with him less than a month later, so from the outside this has all felt a bit rushed to the rest of us).

MiL feels trapped as she doesn't want to cause drama (SiL will react strongly if told no) but equally feels strongly about this trip being planned as her being able to spend time with her grandchildren. I guess my AIBU is given I'm being asked my opinion by MiL am I unreasonable to be honest and voice that I'd prefer the holiday to not include new partner's children? (Even though I fully respect it's not my decision as I'm not paying for it).

I think the priority here is to support your MiL to decide the least worst option. Her DD is putting her in a very difficult position. Only she can decide if the price for having her DD along is one she's prepared to pay. While I understand you have an opinion, I think you need to take care not to be put in a position where you make the decision for her by coming in too strongly with what you'd prefer (this could backfire and leave you carrying the blame for DD not going) I think I'd just say "DH and I will support whatever you decide MIL".

Thanks for your reply. I promise that I really can see how sad a situation this creates for all the children, including his. They haven't done a holiday away together before, this big one would be the first. So feels like extra pressure for all.

I feel most sorry for my MiL, who I know really does need something to look forward to and this just isn't turning into the trip she invisaged. Given past dynamics I can see this probably going as her saying the kids can come, putting a brave face on it and then DH and I will hear for ages afterwards how she felt unable to say no.

This holiday can’t work. Your family could go away with PÌL and have a nice time.

Yes absolutely. I have actually just sent MiL a reply basically saying this - we'll go with whatever her and FiL decision is. And we understand if that means they want to cancel as well. This just feels like such a needless palaver over what was meant to be a lovely idea.

On one hand, this comment isn’t the least bit helpful, on the other hand, I completely agree.

Good idea!

I'm also not sure if this holiday can work. 😅 PiLs would never go away with us but without SiL or her children, which I understand.

This will be hell on earth.

SiL trying to get her DC and his DC to play happy families with your DC in the mix. All forced happy family play with a bloke and his DC who the family have just been introduced to. There will be four children thinking this isn’t fair for a number of reasons.

You and the in-laws will be stuck in the middle soothing tantrums and egos.

I know you can see why she is doing it and its a real shame your SIL cannot see how this might be impacting her DM, if she doesn't want to upset her new family dynamic she could step aside and let your DM guilt free have a holiday with your family?

Personally knowing now this would be their first holiday as a blended family I think this is crazy to do at the same time as an extended family holiday - the pressure that puts on all the children is too much and I thought she was being kind and generous to her new SC but this is too much. as an 'extra' child I would be have been so worried and anxious about this!

Sorry again you are stuck in the middle. Have seen your update about messaging your MIL - hope it all goes ok.

How about a day trip somewhere? MiLs location choice. Theatre / Panto something like that

Not that I can speak for MiL obviously, but I suspect she feels very torn. I do believe she loves her daughter and I also think their relationship is complicated. And has been for a long time. She wants to be closer to her daughter but doesn't know how (things on both sides at play here). Whether she'd name it or not, I get the sense she'd never risk ending a relationship with her daughter as she'd lose her grandchildren. They live 5 minutes apart from eachother so PiLs have been heavily involved in their lives since they were born.

But you're right, the arrangement for that holiday felt batshit. Last Christmas sil brought new partner to my in-law's house for Christmas Day when they'd only discovered his existence a few weeks beforehand. My BiL was also there (MiL very much views him as being a permanent part of the family so invited him). We weren't able to go as we are not local, I confess I was very relieved. My family is definitely not perfect by any means, but behaviours on my DHs side baffle me at times.

If I was your PIL I think I would say to SIL “I understand your pov so why don’t we go on holiday with @w104ever and family this year and then all of you next year when we have had time to get to know Boss and his Kids and feel as if they are family. This year I feel fragile and just need relaxed time with those I know best. Of course you and your kids are still welcome if you would like to come “

Wow! Won't leave out his children in case they feel excluded, but no problem breaking up their family.

Will your PILs be paying for everyone, including SIL's new partner and his kids? I would have thought that it would be better for SIL and her new partner to have booked their own holiday with both sets of kids before doing it with wider family but if they are getting a free holiday out of it, I can see why they would want to do it.

It wouldn't be a holiday that I would enjoy at all. I can't see it fulfilling MIL's expectations of making her feel better after a difficult year and making some lovely new memories, given that the difficult year was probably caused by your SIL and her new boyfriend.

Shit of her and him to have had an affair, but you and your MIL either want a relationship with her or you don’t. She’s done it now and her, this man, and all the children, are a family whether anyone thinks they shouldn’t be or not. His kids haven’t done anything wrong, why would deliberately excluding them make anything better for anyone?

Cancel the holiday!!! That's my only suggestion.

It’s your MIL’s special trip and she and FIL are paying for it. They invite who they want.

I wouldn’t be inviting this ‘partner’ anyway out of respect for BIL and their children. It sounds like it’s been a rough year for the kids. They deserve a trip just with their mum and family, not to be forced along with some dude their mum is shagging.

Beyond that, you can go on holiday without your own children and they will not be scarred for life. Even if you are happy for this guy to come along, he doesn’t need to bring his children just because he’s going away. I’m very happily married to Dh and my children live with me all the time and I still go on holiday without them! So does Dh. This is called adulting. Adults don’t drag their children everywhere they go.

Or better yet, Mr Boss Man could bow out of the free holiday and take his kids away for a holiday on his own. He’s obviously happy to pay for them, so why not have proper quality time with them and not just with people none of them even know?

In my head this is definitely a thought I've also had. DH doesn't approve of affairs but is of the attitude of "well it's happened so we all just need to accept it and move along with it". But it really has changed how I've seen her. She's absolutely shameless about it all, I won't post about it here but some of the things she's said about Boss' wife and his dream marital home that she's moved herself into literally give me ick.

Last Christmas at your PILs sounds like something from a BBC drama from the 1970s in its cringeworthy awfulness. Your SIL and her new boyfriend must have the thickest skins to just turn up together on Christmas Day when her ex-husband was there. They do sound like awful people and the last people I'd like to go on holiday with.

Ultimately I agree with this.

What does it really achieve in the long run to push SIL out of this holiday by excluding these children?

I totally get that it's less than ideal but the new partner is coming anyway, surely that's the awkward bit, if there is one?

I'd just take the hit and say they can come, and then not do any future trips together if it doesn't go well/is too uncomfortable.

I did actually bow out of a previous holiday due to how SiL had treated me, DH and kids still went. I know this was upsetting for my MiL, although she called me to say she understood beforehand. So given this holiday is in many ways for her I don't think I could back out. Also my DC would genuinely want me there with them so I'd feel pulled into going for others, not myself.

Talk about Jeremy Kyle family life and the poor children collateral damage to your awful SIL.

Invest in friends, family relationships of this type are simply not worth it.
Your husband being so weak makes it all worse.
Avoid them going forward.
Tell your MIL to visit you if she wants to see you.

@mindutopiaBoss man did actually say in front of us "another option is I don't go" but SiL immediately said absolutely not, he's coming.

Maybe I enjoy arguing and I'm not really nice but I'd encourage them to come and be intentional about voicing my irritations/frustrations, and addressing poor behaviour. If we are family, this is family.

it sounds like your ILs treat SIL as the golden child and DH has been conditioned to tiptoe around her drama to keep the peace.

SIL was clearly seeing how far she could push things when she exploded at you. But her utter selfishness is still apparent.

Theres no way this holiday will be soothing for MIL unless her main priority is to keep SIL happy to improve their relationship.

Definitely worth suggesting alternatives to get out of it.