In-law blended family holiday drama.

[w104ever]

Without wanting to write too much of an essay...

MiL had a really hard time earlier in the year and felt very low. She and FiL wanted to plan something to help her feel better/ give her happy memories. They decided they wanted to take us (their son/my DH, me and our two children), plus their daughter (my SiL), her two children and SiL's new partner away on a holiday abroad, which is obviously very generous of them. Challenge now is that SiL and her partner are insisting that his two children must come as well.

Relevant info here... 'new partner' is SiL's boss. They had an affair in work for a year, my BiL and boss' wife had no idea. We only found out at the end of 2024 when they did. (None of us saw it coming and are all still feeling upset as everyone was close to SiL's husband and understandably don't agree with the affair). My PiLs and my DH/ children have only met new partner's children once to date. It didn't go brilliantly as my SiL literally just brought them to PiL's house with no discussion beforehand which upset my MiL, who didn't feel ready to meet them. Also unfortunately during the visit one of our kids felt picked on by one of his kids. (I did overhear his child saying some unkind things to ours and our child was definitely left out of play by all the other children which was naturally upsetting for them).

So PiLs don't know what to do - we've all said that we'd rather not have his kids come as we barely know them and it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. SiL has already said they'll pay for his kids to come so can't use that as a barrier. She is saying if they can't come then she and her children won't be either.

I can see her point in that it might be hard for his children if they knew their dad was going away on a holiday and they weren't invited. SiL has also insisted that new parter comes. They all live together 50/50 so his kids would have an awareness of my SiL's children having a holiday too.

Equally I feel protective of my own children's wellbeing and them getting time with their cousins. We don't get to see them that often so time is precious. I'm worried that we'll go on this special holiday and our child will be picked on again and it will be miserable for them (and subsequently miserable for the rest of us).

MiL and I have shared that it does feel a bit like we're all being forced by SiL to accept her new blended family really quickly, when none of us have had time to really process it all. (Within two weeks of SiL telling her children that their parents' marriage was ending she introduced them to her new partner and his kids and they moved in with him less than a month later, so from the outside this has all felt a bit rushed to the rest of us).

MiL feels trapped as she doesn't want to cause drama (SiL will react strongly if told no) but equally feels strongly about this trip being planned as her being able to spend time with her grandchildren. I guess my AIBU is given I'm being asked my opinion by MiL am I unreasonable to be honest and voice that I'd prefer the holiday to not include new partner's children? (Even though I fully respect it's not my decision as I'm not paying for it).

This is how I feel. My annual leave is really precious and we don't get to go away, so it feels hard to get excited about this trip now given it seems no one is going to be happy on it!
My family stopped doing a big family holiday before COVID, so it's just in-laws that still do. Last year the holiday was only four months after we found out about new partner. He came instead of my BiL and it was a bit awkward.

Its time to stand up to her and go for her jugular (so to speak) or let your child be bullied by an immoral strangers child and pushed out of their family.
If you won't stand up for yourself do it for your child

This is lunacy and at this point it's insulting to even call this a blended family.

You SIL's poor kids.

The issue isn't the kids or even the partner per se it's that fact they are strangers? (even though the SIL and her new partner are fucking disgusting for what they have done)

If I was the MIL in this situation I'd possible offer to take SIL's children [I guess this depends on age though] but I would not yield to emotional blackmail and have a special family holiday ruined by having 3 strangers join the trip.

In that case, DH needs to be having these conversations with his family - not you.

So what if you get scapegoated? Everyone else in the family would still be on your side, you wouldn’t lose anything. And the little madam needs telling.

I think I’m just too middle aged and jaded to be bothered being nice to people like this, or to care how they react to me.

Last year the holiday was only four months after we found out about new partner. He came instead of my BiL and it was a bit awkward

Wait, are you saying the boss / affair man came on a family holiday last year?

Well the precedent has been set there hasn't it?

Difficult and very tricky for your MiL. You either accept your SIL conditions and call out any nasty behaviour by new DPs kids while you are away or you say you would rather them not come and force MIL to choose who she sides with. It is a recipe for disaster and not conducive to helping your MIL having something to look forward to. Personally I would say she must decide and just make the best of it for your MiLs sake. Maybe the kids just need to spend more time together. Once is not enough and some words spoken about bullying and excluding other kids might be appropriate.

I do see your point. She and my BiL had been married for 13 years so by comparison it feels like a short amount of time I guess. On the surface they seemed very happy and were talking openly about having another child together, so we literally felt blindsided. I'm not sure it's really pearl clutching to not feel comfortable with infidelity, but I hear and respect your view.

Well. SIL sounds like someone you don't want to go on holiday with.

How about: ILs recind her invitation, and take SILs children and their ex-son-in-law instead?

TBH I'd suggest that ILs go away with just their children if they want a break. But i am not keen on this blended family malarkey being foisted on the wider family. As your own family unit? do what you like, but a new partner's kids are nothing to do with me and i wouldn't want to go on holiday with them.

MiL has specifically asked me. DH was initially in agreement that it shouldn't include any children other than the grandkids but is now saying he doesn't mind what happens, even if the trip is cancelled. He feels very stuck in the middle between MiL and SiL and I think feels a pull to align a bit more with his sister as he knows there's a lot of animosity directed at her at the moment, which I understand. He just wants everyone to get along and be happy.

your DH needs to speak to his sister about how she is treating her own (stressed) mother and making her uncomfortable. And he also needs to make it clear that her affair-partner's kids were mean to his kids and that if it happens again he will blow it up.

poor MIL. This is really not what she wanted, i guess.

I'm not going to deny that given complete free choice o don't think I'd want to be around SiL in general, but I tolerate seeing her for the sake of my DH, kids and my PiLs.

So your DH wasn't bothered that his sister's new partner's kids were being mean to your kids? He just wants everyone to be happy (except it's OK if you and your kids aren't)? I'd be pretty cross with his attitude tbh.

Wait, what? You have been on a family holiday with SIL and affair man just four months after she dumped BIL/got caught cheating??!

What were your ILs thinking? what a terrible message to send BIL and their grandchildren.

Yes he did, I'm not 100% sure how it came about, my MiL's narrative beforehand was she literally didn't know if SiL was bringing BiL or new guy. At one stage the plan was genuinely for both to come, but BiL stay in separate accommodation. BiL then didn't come. It was all rather messy.

I would suggest a really nice break just for FIL and MIL on their own. They sound like they need a break from everything and do the big family trip next year when the dynamics have calmed down a bit

I wouldn't want to go away with her, such a mess.
It's far too soon after everything that has happened to be going on holiday. Emotions are still high.
She needs to take some responsibility for her poor choices, maybe cancelling the holiday is karma for her.
I feel for your mil, but everything is too raw, the holiday wouldn't be enjoyable.
Btw, the sil and her new partner are shit parents.

this is tricky.

having grown up as child that is shoehorned into another family dynamic - being excluded is pretty awful as a child. I understand it as an adult now and how the relationships work etc but as a child in my experience I found it very difficult to see your Father go on holidays with his GF and her children and then on top of that for years to come when they relive the memories or look at photos you always feel that rejected/left out feeling. Especially found it hard when there were not really any holidays for me and my brother to make up for it. Its not just a little thing there are just lots of little ways it hurts. So I respect your SIL for wanting her SC to be involved in family events.

I do think it takes alot more family time and shared time before anything like this could be considered. if you have only really spent time together once and it wasnt a good experience this trip will not work out the way its been intended.

What would the reason be that your ex BIL could take his children to this holiday? This feels like the best option or as PP about deferring for a year.

Has you SIL and AP and both sets of children been on holidays together as a blended family unit?

Sorry you are caught up in this

WTF?! This is like something from an episode of Jeremy Kyle. Your MIL sounds as deluded as your SIL.

On this basis alone it would be a hard no to the whole thing.

I would suggest that in the current family context a holiday all together is not going to work and will not do the job of cheering MIL up. Maybe she needs to do something else, like inviting the grandkids for a weekend or something.

I definitely own that I straddle between empathising how hard it must be for him (he's very conflict averse) and feeling anger or frustration that he avoids any difficult discussion with them. The only time I've seen him do it was after his sister went for me again and he called her on the phone. I have no idea what he said to her, but he says he did very much challenge her behaviour.

Good idea.

You barely know these people, and that alone would disincline me to use annual leave on a big joint trip abroad. Plus there's SIL clearly having shit boundaries over the whole thing. If PILs do like the idea of a collective holiday, agree with the poster upthread who said better to start with a UK weekend- if you want to. And make sure you have your own accommodation, not shared.

I second this sounds like a good idea - I think SIL cannot be part of the family trip this year it is causing too much stress so the best thing is MIL and FIL lovely trip on their own.

OR BIL and direct children go leaving SIL and AP and his DCs at home

Mil needs to cancel the holiday
Don't be forced in to sil having her own way

Who is her partner to insist his DC go? He's only been around for 5 minutes! What has SIL done? Her poor DC, moving a strange man and his DC into their home so quickly. That's disgraceful.

I'd say to PIL that as much as being inclusive would be the kind thing to do, it won't actually work because of the tension, making it really difficult for them to enjoy the holiday as they actually wanted it to be.

Not an easy one. But, your SIL should be more considerate of the dynamic she's introduced to your family group.