DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

I don't think many people on the thread understand what it means, or is supposed to mean

The way he talks about and treats women is so vile I would struggle to be intimate with him again.

I don’t think this has anything to do with sex positivity. He treats women like shit. Nothing to do with sex positivity.

I do think though this is the perfect example of how one woman’s “amazing man” can be another woman’s “arsehole”.

You married a man who has no respect for women, I would feel disgusted if I were you too.

It's not what he did, it's his attitude to who he did it with.

More and more I think some men feel overpowered by women, they can't stand the thought that their sexual urges are either met or dismissed by women, they see women as having all the control.
So they despise them for it.

He sounds like one of these losers...make no mistake OP, when/if you ever fall off the pedestal you will be one of them.

Part of me thinks that his behaviour is in the past and we should give him the benefit of the doubt, assume he's grown up and learnt to respect women. But I think that's being kind and naive.
The fact is that he talks about these events still, presumably with no shame, suggesting that he does not see his misogyny for what it is. And talking about the mother of his child - or indeed any woman - in those terms is repulsive.
I'd be wanting a serious conversation with him, challenging his behaviour, calling him out for his prejudices. Whatever he says, only you can decide whether you can live with him.

He’s a disgusting misogynist. He calls the mother of his child a ‘slut’?

He thinks women having sex with him on a date are ‘hookers’ only because he himself behaved like that by scamming older women out of money and fucking up their kids.

nasty man

HE isn't sex positive though!

He's insulting his past partners and suggesting they are ugly/sluts/tramps, gross, "gold diggers", only interesting cos of their sexual orientation - these are all very negative things to say about women/past sexual partners.

He will have shown signs of all this early on, so it's also worth thinking about what in your own psyche and relationship patterns drove you to not see or to overlook his behaviour. Understanding how we got ourselves into a mess can help give us the impetus to break free.

I reread it again. He really is a vile misogynist who sees women as little more than c*m rags.

What he did was not “positive sex “. Not in any way. He actively pursued vulnerable women to gain any advantage that suited HIS needs, while completely disregarding their own needs and emotions.

No wonder you are revolted. I am too 😟. Her led on a woman that he KNEW wanted a relationship with him and got her pregnant and STILL treats her terribly calling her names? He is deeply disrespectful and the only shame here is his own.

I agree with this. A good learning opportunity for other young women as there will have definitely been signs.

The mother of child no less! I feel sorry for his little girl

Did you know this before you married, if you didn’t, would you have still married him if you did know?

He isn't very bright? Any sensible bloke would not be telling their wife about that kind of crap in their past.

This.
If he discussed his past as something he was deeply ashamed of, if he was not talking about the mother of his child now I could potentially see this as a terrible man who has grown for the better.

He sounds like he is still a raging misogynist.

It’s giving Madonna-whore complex.

The OP put the word consent in quotation marks. Had she considered her partner to have raped the women, she wouldn't have done this. The OP appears to be referring to situations where she believes the women consented to sex without being party to her partners feelings about them, and where they may not have consented had they known he would refer to them at some future point as disgusting or sluts.
To behave this way towards women is appalling behaviour and many (most) women would reject a man they knew would do this. Just as many (most) would reject a man if they knew he'd be cheating with the door neighbour or be an alcoholic in the next 5 years. However, failing to offer women full disclosure into their private thoughts or future intentions as part of obtaining consent, is not rape.

The fact that he would talk about all of this would put me off, he obviously has no guilt or regret about taking advantage of women and is almost bragging about it in telling you. I would also feel rather disgusted and put off, all those women he just used and discarded, it would make you feel that you didn't really know him at all.

So OP why are you actually finding attractive about staying with this complete wanker?
I would have left this piece of shit years ago. He sounds like Andrew Tate, hates women but they're alright for fucking. Bleugh, excuse me while I'm sick after writing that.

“Trap him”. Yes the poor little man - being “trapped” by his failure to use contraception with a hookup.

You know that's how he'll talk about you when you dump him for being a pig.

This isn't about his past sex life. He just sounds gross.

I think if you split up with him, or even if you stop making him happy, you will see this other man that he is come out.

I suspect you are only marriage material to him because you clean and bring in a half decent wage

This this this.

And as a pp said - at some point you’ll fall off your Madonna pedestal OP and then he’ll see you like he sees all the other women.