DHs past sex life making me feel disgusted.

[elefanty]

I’m really struggling with my DHs ex-“love life”. I’m someone who has always thought of themselves as being “sex positive”, I think sex is fine and people should do what they want to do.

I’ve been more “traditional”/boring in my own life. I’ve only ever had sex with people I’ve been in long term relationships with. One night stands do not appeal to me at all.

When I met DH, he had been single for a year following a long term relationship. We married after 3 years. He had a little girl from a previous relationship (who’s now 10).

Over the last few years I’ve learnt more and more about him and I feel guilty about how grossed out I am about his past.

1. His little girl was conceived during a hookup with a woman he knew wanted a relationship with him, but he felt she “wasn’t girlfriend material”. He slept with her once when she was going through a breakup( had known her since a teen) and she got pregnant. I think that’s him massively taking advantage of her to be honest. He talks about her poorly, calling her a tramp or ugly or a slut.

1. He’s told me over the years we’ve been married that he had “sugar mamas” when he was in his early to mid 20s, where he’d sleep with 40/50 year old women and “act as a stepdad to their kids” so he could have somewhere to live/pay for his hobbies. I find that disgusting to be honest. He said that they were “gross” but “sex was sex” and he was “depressed”.

1. Early on in our marriage we were at a cafe and a woman in her pjs walked in (full of lip filler, tan, overweight - the opposite to me) and said “hiya babe you okay?”. DH denied knowing her but it was obvious that he did know her. I think from seeing his “type” before (his child’s mum) I assumed he’d slept with her at some point.

1. He slept with his female friend who was a lesbian. He only “felt attracted to her because she was a lesbian”. He said it was an awkward encounter but I just feel again - taking advantage? I don’t know, it just feels strange.

1. He said that his friends joked with him “rather than spending all money on dates, just go to a hooker and you’re guaranteed sex”. He said this depressed him because he realised he was paying for sex with the girls on dating apps.

I’m just so disappointed in myself to think like this and to be judgemental but I can’t stop thinking about it all. Obviously it’s all in his past, but I think it just says a lot about him?

With me, he wasn’t like this at all. He dated me for 3 months before we had sex. He was a gentleman, and has continued to be throughout our marriage. In considering individual counselling because I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not jealousy, it’s disgust. Sometimes I don’t even want him to touch me or be near me. Aibu?

You're not reacting to his sexual activities but to his contempt for his former sexual partners. You were the exception as you passed his 'purity test' at the time. You probably instinctively know that at some point you may be treated with similar contempt.

What a prince among men.

It's not his sex life that disgusts you (hopefully), it's how much he used women and viewed them as objects to be used rather than seeing them as people who have thoughts and feelings. He's exploited women and trashes them while and after he uses them.

I don't know how you can use the word gentleman about him. He's the opposite.

Sorry if I’ve missed but do you have kids together?

not much you can do now his past is his past. I’d bet my bottom dollar he plays away.

Agree with what others have said. I am fine with the fact that some men (and women) have had a lot of partners, but it’s the fact he has treated women badly and talks about them like they are nothing, calling his DC’s mother a slut etc…

He isn’t a nice person and he shows no respect towards woman, he has used people purely for his gain and not giving a sh#t about their feelings. I’m sure he has no concern for OP’s feeling either.

If he's a misogynist (certainly sounds like he is) it will show in other ways too - has it? I'd be amazed if not.

What sort if father is he? I don’t think he's who I want want raising a daughter.

The acting as a stepdad aspect is rank too.

Was he depressed? Did he get treatment? I have been depressed and slept with people I wouldn't have when happy, but moving in and step parenting their kids just to use them, and sleeping with them while being repulsed by them is really despicable behaviour. I'm not suprised you have fallen out of love. I don't get why he has told you any if this.

This must have been an awful shock to discover your husband was such a shit. It doesn't sound like he's particularly embarassed abput his previous treatment of women.

As a PP said, it sounds like he has a Madonna/Whore complex.

Counselling seems like a good start, hopefully he can recognise and change his misogynistic views.

Yes and exploiting their vulnerability.
The description of his child's mother is particularly cruel and insensitive.
OP, in order for your relationship to work, you will need some frank, open conversations with him.
Otherwise, this will become corrosive.
Please take care

Its the misogynistic element to all his encounters that is troubling.

He is a man who hates women, but likely claims the opposite. He might even half-believe the opposite.

I'd run a bloody mile, then keep on running. He sounds appalling.

It's nothing to do with his past sex life, it's the misogyny in his personal relationships.

The way he speaks about his daughter's mother would be a dealbreaker for me.
Imagine what he says to his friends about you.

Yes that's a good way of describing it.

I had one of these.

Someone told me, the way they speak about their ex partners is how they'll speak about you when you become one.

And he did........

I mean he sounds awful how he talks about women, oversharing his past etc not great, but how he talks about the mother of his child is utter vile, I'd tell him straight it isn't acceptable. I'm not sure I could be with someone like this.

This.

This.

I met so many of these types when I did online dating (including being approached/ begged repeatedly by the 20 year old versions when I was 45 / 46 years old) strangely enough they were always 'depressed' as well. Fucking losers more like.

Utter misogynists and they are everywhere

A lot of men who say they love women absolutely detest them. What they love is sex. It's their inability to handle their love of sex that leads to their loathing of women. They hate that they are so driven by sex but need women to have it.

And naturally, when they can have sex easily, they project this self disgust on to the women. They're the low down sluts and the man is still above them. They feel something closer to respect for the women with whom they can't indulge so easily, but at the end of the day they're really all the same and any self disgust will just as quickly be projected on to them.

A lot of people who claim to be sex positive really, really aren't.

If he is a M/W misogynist that makes him very dangerous. Because no woman can live up to those ideals. And they tend to hate their fallen Madonna far more than they despise women they'd always considered whores.

Gross man

These things aren't opposites - they are two sides of the same coin.

a ‘gentleman’ who ‘worships’ women only ever does so to the women who please him. It’s just the patriarchal pantomime

Jeez, how disgusting is he. Him having slept with lots of women isn't a problem (at least wouldn't be for me), but calling them sluts, tramps, whores, disgusting, old and gross, etc - that's sickening. Especially the mother of his child, but the rest of them - too.

Divorce him. Men like that don't change, from experience. He might start talking the talk, knowing you might leave him. And might stop talking about them or saying the above things. But he'll always think it. He's one of those 'studs' who consider their one night 'conquests' to be 'hoes'.

To him, you're not 'like that'. A good, respectful girl, waited to have sex, yadda yadda. But his previous partners are sluts, and I'd bet my house he wouldn't say no to shagging one of the 'sluts' here and there, if he isn't already.

A disgusting pig.

Ditto. Why is she a "slut"? Because she had sex with him?

But he's what...? A stud?

Revolting language. And the fact it's the mother of his child is even worse. My DH and his ex don't get along at all but never in a million years would he call her any name, never mind something so disrespectful.

This is my ex-GF , she has a colourful past, sex with married men, stalking men who ghost her etc and I settlef and had a child with this, I wish i knew beforehand.

She hid all this and never discussed it until i made her a life partner

You both sound like misogynists tbh. Why aren’t you calling him out when he’s referring to women as ‘sluts’, ‘tramps’, ‘ugly’? I’d have nipped that right in the bud from the off. And the ‘overweight, tan, full of lip fillers’ dig doesn’t reflect well on you.

You both sound weird.

Id say to bleach/ anti bac your vagina