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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hold off moving in with DP because of lack of practical info…?

142 replies

CeliasLastFart · 20/10/2025 12:02

Bit of context
left an awful 20 year marriage. Won’t go into detail but it was grim, DV and all that comes with a hideous 5 years divorce.

Fast forward 5 years everything has started to click into place - DP has been a very loving and supportive person- after an extended long distance relationship time feels right to live together- kids older/at uni etc so a change seems to all sit right

I had always planned to leave the area I live in as all of ex’s family and friends live here and my job is flexible enough for me to up sticks.

My partner recently came into some money and has almost finished renovating a very large home. Ever since he bought it he’s framed the whole project around it being our home. I have helped to plan and manage a lot of it around supporting my kids and my job and I have been happy to do so.

Ive asked several times that we need to sit down and work out the practicalities including bills and budgeting down to division of tasks etc to no avail.

He mentioned in passing some bills he incurs monthly and i have told him i had concerns that I would not be able to pay for half of all outgoings as I do not have a high salary- DP is freelance and earns a lot more that me. I know that he is busy and he doesn’t necessarily know exactly what the bills would cost now but I am not prepared to make a fresh start with him without knowing upfront about what is expected and how I could budget .(a large chunk of the sale of my house would be to repay the big mortgage on it but if I didn’t move in with DP then I would’ve bought another small property in a different location anyway-

I guess I carry quite a bit of baggage emotionally from my botch of a marriage but I feel uneasy about committing to changing mine and my kids lives so drastically without any concrete idea/plans /finances etc. he’s seemingly thinking everything is wonderful and we can ‘work things out’ which I feel may be a little naive. I’d like to add here that DP has always earned more than me and we pay for everything thus far 50/50 even first date he was flabbergasted that I insisted on paying half. During my divorce when financially things were rock bottom for me we didn’t go out or did things within my means.

on a practical note whilst the house is fantastic and huge and we’d seemingly live very well on paper - I am not prepared to work as hard as I do to spend all of my salary just to be able to live in a huge house leaving no money for me to be independent /spend on my kids/on myself or having a social life outside of the house I had a very comfortable life on the surface in my marriage but I was controlled and was not allowed access to work or independent finances leaving me miserable and trapped.

AIBU to hold off moving until I have something more concrete from him in place. I fear my marriage has left me with these feelings of anxiety

I’m not sure I’m very good at expressing myself - as I said I’m not interested in living in a fancy house with all the trappings to be exactly that- 😊trapped and broke- I think that’s the nuts and bolts of it.

OP posts:
KissMyArt · 20/10/2025 12:08

You'd be a complete mug to move into his house and leave yourself vulnerable.

I would still buy a small flat if I were you, out of the proceeds of your house sale.

vivainsomnia · 20/10/2025 12:09

So glad to read a MNer being cautious moving with a better off partner. It can be very appealing initially but then trap you badly.

You are 100% right to make sure you have all those essential discussions and that you are on the same understanding about expectations before making it official.

starpatch · 20/10/2025 12:09

I see what you mean. If you were own your though you would have bought a small house with low overheads. It's his choice to live in a big house, so I don't actually think it's fair for you to pay half of overheads. I guess you need to spell out to him how you feel as it doesn't sound like he gets it.

Original poster
CeliasLastFart · 20/10/2025 12:09

Thanks for your post.

that is something I have considered yes or a much smaller house as some kind of back up.

OP posts:
ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe · 20/10/2025 12:10

OP I think you will receive a lot of advice on here about not selling your property until you have lived with him. I see many posts about lovely seemingly capable men that soon become unable to look after themselves once their partner moves in, they welcome in and expect a housekeeper , cook etc. if there is any way you could keep you house going for a while and move in temporarily I would do that. Give it 3/6 months. I know renting it out might not be realistic given the risks these days in getting renters and the effort required but you have SO MUCH to lose by handing over the profits of your house sale to a man you aren’t married to and haven’t lived with

Also, I don’t think you feel uneasy solely due to your previous bad experiences, don’t blame yourself for any reason for being cautious. I think you feel uneasy due to the fact this is incredibly risky and you need to think about protecting yourself and your finances, and potential kids inheritances at all costs. Forget about the size of his house, think about what YOU want, and what you need from this situation

Original poster
CeliasLastFart · 20/10/2025 12:11

Oh sorry
crossed posts.

Thanks for your input. We have to listen to our inner voice and for me that was squished for so long. I never want to go back to that version of me.

OP posts:
ButtonMushrooms · 20/10/2025 12:12

You're not being unreasonable at all OP. Why won't he just sit down with you and discuss it?

MO0N · 20/10/2025 12:12

Don't do it, he wants you powerless and completely under his control.
I don't mean this is a criticism but I think if you've been in a relationship with someone who exploited you it can mean that you remain vulnerable to unconsciously being attracted to the same types of people.

KissMyArt · 20/10/2025 12:12

vivainsomnia · 20/10/2025 12:09

So glad to read a MNer being cautious moving with a better off partner. It can be very appealing initially but then trap you badly.

You are 100% right to make sure you have all those essential discussions and that you are on the same understanding about expectations before making it official.

Discussions and understanding won't help the OP if they split up in the future, and the proceeds of her house sale have dwindled.

Igmum · 20/10/2025 12:12

Very sensible well done OP. No, of course you shouldn’t move in before you’ve had the discussions and preferably signed an agreement. This protects both of you.

Original poster
CeliasLastFart · 20/10/2025 12:13

ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe · 20/10/2025 12:10

OP I think you will receive a lot of advice on here about not selling your property until you have lived with him. I see many posts about lovely seemingly capable men that soon become unable to look after themselves once their partner moves in, they welcome in and expect a housekeeper , cook etc. if there is any way you could keep you house going for a while and move in temporarily I would do that. Give it 3/6 months. I know renting it out might not be realistic given the risks these days in getting renters and the effort required but you have SO MUCH to lose by handing over the profits of your house sale to a man you aren’t married to and haven’t lived with

Also, I don’t think you feel uneasy solely due to your previous bad experiences, don’t blame yourself for any reason for being cautious. I think you feel uneasy due to the fact this is incredibly risky and you need to think about protecting yourself and your finances, and potential kids inheritances at all costs. Forget about the size of his house, think about what YOU want, and what you need from this situation

Edited

Yes!! This!!!

I really do need to cut links with the town I live in but don’t want to rush

OP posts:
Original poster
CeliasLastFart · 20/10/2025 12:14

MO0N · 20/10/2025 12:12

Don't do it, he wants you powerless and completely under his control.
I don't mean this is a criticism but I think if you've been in a relationship with someone who exploited you it can mean that you remain vulnerable to unconsciously being attracted to the same types of people.

I dont take this as a criticism at all

thank you for taking the time to respond

OP posts:
MO0N · 20/10/2025 12:16

While he is trying to lure you into his nest he will be a sweet and nice as can be, he will do whatever it takes to win you over and get you to trust him completely.
Once you have relinquished all your power, something in him will feel as if you have willingly subordinated yourself to him. When he has that feeling that he has all the power he will start exploiting you.
When you are trapped the boyish charming persona dissolves and you have Mr grumpy moody bossing you around.

Ellie1015 · 20/10/2025 12:17

I would move to his area and try that for a while. Then rent out your new property if you decide to move in with partner a bit further down the line.

Do not invest your house sale into his house it is too messy if it doesnt work out.

pikkumyy77 · 20/10/2025 12:19

You can up sticks and be with him but together/apart. Just do what you would have done: buy a small house for you and your children. Tell him you are asset building and while you are happy to live with him part time you will not be sharing in the bill paying or maintenance of his assets as that doesn’t make financial sense for you. He is a grown man and he should be able to understand how important independence is for you given your history. Stop worrying about goong 50/500. Just reserve your money for you and let yourself be a guest in his life.

Original poster
CeliasLastFart · 20/10/2025 12:19

Ellie1015 · 20/10/2025 12:17

I would move to his area and try that for a while. Then rent out your new property if you decide to move in with partner a bit further down the line.

Do not invest your house sale into his house it is too messy if it doesnt work out.

Yes he’s very giddy at the beautiful house and it is that but it doesn’t hit the same for me. I won’t put my life and soul into a massive weight around my neck again.

ivhave zero plans to put the money from my small
property into his Reno. None at all. He doesn’t have kids I do so I have intended that mentally already.

OP posts:
HelpMeUnpickThis · 20/10/2025 12:20

@CeliasLastFart

I just wanted to congratulate you, in a non patronising way, for having the clarity of mind to think all of this through before you make major decisions.

I wish we all had this foresight.

Protect yourself and your children first and foremost.

If he is not listening to your concerns and desire to plan things out properly and fairly, I would personally consider that a red flag.

Poodlelove · 20/10/2025 12:21

Has your partner mentioned marriage or will you be on the deeds of the new house.
Does he realise that you will have no disposable income ?
It is time to tell him that you need to sit and chat about the future , maybe have a financial advisor/ pension appointment/ visit.
What was the agreement when he bought the house ?

ItsAWonderfulLifeforMe · 20/10/2025 12:21

Just a thought, maybe he’s not sharing the costs of the house as it’s actually more than he can afford and he NEEDS you to pay towards to bills to keep afloat. If so, he will be even more charming at this stage OP

Original poster
CeliasLastFart · 20/10/2025 12:21

pikkumyy77 · 20/10/2025 12:19

You can up sticks and be with him but together/apart. Just do what you would have done: buy a small house for you and your children. Tell him you are asset building and while you are happy to live with him part time you will not be sharing in the bill paying or maintenance of his assets as that doesn’t make financial sense for you. He is a grown man and he should be able to understand how important independence is for you given your history. Stop worrying about goong 50/500. Just reserve your money for you and let yourself be a guest in his life.

Issue is I cannot afford to relocate to the area the new home is in - too £££ but had earmarked somewhere which would be 20 minutes closer.

thank you so much for your response.

OP posts:
Rictasmorticia · 20/10/2025 12:23

Do not move in together at this stage of you relationship. He has a much higher life style than you so is used to spending freely. The fact that he was happy for you to pay half, despite knowing your situation, strikes me as a certain meanness. Probably due to his position in life, he has a very airy fairy attitude yo money. I absolutely could not cope with that. I see a life time of battles ahead for you.

i have been married almost 60 years and DH has always been a much higher earner than me. He has always taken on the financial responsibilities. When I was not earning he gave me a credit card which he paid, and never once questioned my spending. That is the kind of relationship you deserve.

Do you think your years of marriage has made you feel worthless? Please stand up for yourself you deserve the respect of being listened to.

AutumnFroglets · 20/10/2025 12:24

Have you done The Freedom Programme? It might be worth your time as someone who has been in one abusive relationship has a higher chance of sleep walking into another one. A relationship that is only 45% abusive is lovely and welcoming after a 90% one but is horrific after a 0% one.

I'm not saying DP will be another abusive one but he's certainly throwing up a few red flags already. Why are you 50/50 going out if your wages are very uneven? That needs to stop first.

PermanentTemporary · 20/10/2025 12:24

I can 100% relate. It’s obviously sad that you had to go through all that, but being cautious as a result is not a bad thing or pathological, it is hard-won experience. Don’t let yourself (or him?) frame it as something to put aside.

DP and I have bought a house together as neither of our houses would have worked for us individually, and I think we have done all we can to plan for ourselves and our respective children (and I love living here), but even so there have been some financial negatives for me and I occasionally think wistfully of my snug little house that no longer needed big ticket maintenance, I’d paid for a new roof and a functional bathroom etc and the bills were low. The big negative is that the house is not financially manageable for me solo, so I would have to sell up when dp dies, and sod’s law says that would be in a market like the current one where selling is a hellscape. Also the bills are big and it can be hard to work out what is really fair - I have more savings (but don’t want to spend them) and dp has far more income plus a realistic prospect of inheriting. The only thing that made it work was grinding through all this in detail (plus good legal advice). If he doesn’t want to do that, fine, but don’t move in with him and keep the relationship in a different place. Maybe move to a small place very near him, with a spare bedroom to rent out?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/10/2025 12:25

Please don't doubt yourself or think that your history is making you over cautious. It's completely normal and sensible to discuss finances before moving in together. There are numerous posts on here from people who didn't do this and have then been completely fucked as their partners ideas that they had in their head but didn't share, are completely different to theirs. And I know where you're coming from wanting everything to be 50 50 but actually most people think it's fairer to pay bills in the same ratio as earnings (unless one person agrees to massively curtail their lifestyle so they can both live well within the means of the less well off one) as otherwise one person is massively disadvantages particularly if the higher earner is not as frugal. Lastly what are you doing with the proceeds from your house sale, please don't put it against his mortgage or anything without any agreement in writing drawn up by a solicitor

Original poster
CeliasLastFart · 20/10/2025 12:26

Poodlelove · 20/10/2025 12:21

Has your partner mentioned marriage or will you be on the deeds of the new house.
Does he realise that you will have no disposable income ?
It is time to tell him that you need to sit and chat about the future , maybe have a financial advisor/ pension appointment/ visit.
What was the agreement when he bought the house ?

Thanks for this - no he hasn’t mentioned marriage - but in the earlier years he knows that I was not interested in marriage at all which is why he hasn’t asked - wouldn’t be in the deeds no.

So he bought the house and it was a development (he is a builder) for him to then sell on. He fell in love with it and the project has changed - the area recently had a few changes and property demand has gone through the roof- it was a clever decision I think for him.

OP posts: