To hold off moving in with DP because of lack of practical info…?

[CeliasLastFart]

Bit of context
left an awful 20 year marriage. Won’t go into detail but it was grim, DV and all that comes with a hideous 5 years divorce.

Fast forward 5 years everything has started to click into place - DP has been a very loving and supportive person- after an extended long distance relationship time feels right to live together- kids older/at uni etc so a change seems to all sit right

I had always planned to leave the area I live in as all of ex’s family and friends live here and my job is flexible enough for me to up sticks.

My partner recently came into some money and has almost finished renovating a very large home. Ever since he bought it he’s framed the whole project around it being our home. I have helped to plan and manage a lot of it around supporting my kids and my job and I have been happy to do so.

Ive asked several times that we need to sit down and work out the practicalities including bills and budgeting down to division of tasks etc to no avail.

He mentioned in passing some bills he incurs monthly and i have told him i had concerns that I would not be able to pay for half of all outgoings as I do not have a high salary- DP is freelance and earns a lot more that me. I know that he is busy and he doesn’t necessarily know exactly what the bills would cost now but I am not prepared to make a fresh start with him without knowing upfront about what is expected and how I could budget .(a large chunk of the sale of my house would be to repay the big mortgage on it but if I didn’t move in with DP then I would’ve bought another small property in a different location anyway-

I guess I carry quite a bit of baggage emotionally from my botch of a marriage but I feel uneasy about committing to changing mine and my kids lives so drastically without any concrete idea/plans /finances etc. he’s seemingly thinking everything is wonderful and we can ‘work things out’ which I feel may be a little naive. I’d like to add here that DP has always earned more than me and we pay for everything thus far 50/50 even first date he was flabbergasted that I insisted on paying half. During my divorce when financially things were rock bottom for me we didn’t go out or did things within my means.

on a practical note whilst the house is fantastic and huge and we’d seemingly live very well on paper - I am not prepared to work as hard as I do to spend all of my salary just to be able to live in a huge house leaving no money for me to be independent /spend on my kids/on myself or having a social life outside of the house I had a very comfortable life on the surface in my marriage but I was controlled and was not allowed access to work or independent finances leaving me miserable and trapped.

AIBU to hold off moving until I have something more concrete from him in place. I fear my marriage has left me with these feelings of anxiety

I’m not sure I’m very good at expressing myself - as I said I’m not interested in living in a fancy house with all the trappings to be exactly that- 😊trapped and broke- I think that’s the nuts and bolts of it.

That seems like a good sign then.

In your shoes I would consider putting your money into a smaller property somewhere and renting it out.
move in with your partner and pay him rent, then you have a foot on the proper ladder if something goes wrong or if all works out you have a property for retirement funds or to leave to your kids.
i don’t think 50/50 bills (or dates) is fair if you are on significantly different salaries.

And sorry but maybe you shouldn’t be moving in with a partner if you can’t have simple financial discussions. Protecting your finances is a normal sensible thing to be doing in a second relationship not a throwback from your previous relationship.
Good luck

But he’s not doing any of this!

• He doesn’t want OP to sell her house, she does. He”s suggested she buy another.
• He hasn’t asked her to pay 50% of bills. So far he hasn’t discussed it. it’s OP who has insisted on paying 50% of expenses to date.
• She will have property of her own which she can rent out
• she has made it clear she doesn’t want to marry.

Yes, he could kick her out, but if she buys her own property she will be able to move in there. She will not be paying anny part of his mortgage and there is no mention of her paying “rent”. And her money will only disappear on bills if she doesn’t stop this obsession with paying 50% of everything!

I still think he sounds like a good partner, albeit in a different place when it comes to financial planning.

Yes I know, it was confusing
See my.last post

I still think Op should sort out the moving issue -away from ex first

Ag, sorry! Agree with your last point, sort out moving first.

OP the fact that he won't discuss it when this is a potentially life changing financial decision for you is a massive massive red flag. Did I say massive???? !!!!

I would move because that's in your interest but move to your own place.

By all means keep dating him but pull back. From your first post it sounds like he has benefited hugely from your unpaid labour in assisting with organising the renovation. He should be properly appreciative of that. is he? For me, that would mean treating you to a special break and really pulling out all the stops.

If you do decide to move in then you need to discuss roles as well as finances. Would he expect you to share equally in maintaining the garden of his home for example? If so why?

Moving in with him sounds like a really raw deal for you. The funds from the sale of your house will likely not keep pace with the cost of a new property and as you age it becomes harder to get a mortgage. I fear for your future and your retirement. Also, he has no DC and you do. There's a reason second marriages fail much more often than first marriages and it has a lot to do with parenting and different expectations. Is it fair on your DC to move in with him?

You need to be really clear minded and focused on what is best for you and the DC when making this decision.

Great advice in here
thanks everyone

I mean I don’t think half the bills will be that much higher than your previous ones tbh. I live in a 4 bedroom house and my best mate is in a 2 bed flat - the council tax is very similar, we pay the same for water (we’re only 2 people in each property) and they pay about £20 a month less in gas/electric. If there’s no mortgage to pay on the house there’s no reason why half the bills should be more than around £300 a month for the basics. And that’s if you put the heat on a lot. We pay less than £500 all together for all bills except food.

He definitely needs to sit down with you and explain it all. But I think you’re overestimating what bills will cost on a larger house.

I am glad to see someone with sense here. In your position you need to consider what's best for you and your children. You been with your boyfriend for a few years. He bought a house to do up for sell and then decided to keep it as he did it up. It a large house that will require upkeep and in time it will need say a new boiler,heat pump ect. He wants you to move in but has not discussed finances with you.
Yes you can pay 50% of the bills but say you brake up in time your left with nothing.

I know that you want to leave your current area. In your situation I would look for a new house somewhere near him with good schools for your children. You keeping yourself on the property ladder and giving your children an inheritace later on.
You and him can still see each other. If you move in with him at a later date you can rent out this house or put it on air b&b. I would not move in with him unless he chats about the bills ect.
I would also check out if moving in with him would effect funding your kids could get with university.

If he doesn't understand or refuses to discuss how vulnerable you will if you move into a house that you don't own, will have no rights to, have no idea what it will cost you, he really isn't anywhere near as fantastic a man as you think he is!

What happens if he dies?
What happens if he gets ill or injured and cannot earn an income?
What happens if he cheats? Or is abusive?
What happens if you have a falling out?

All/any of the above leave you highly vulnerable and most likely homeless.

You would be absolutely mad to risk your security, whether that's your current house, or a new house, for some sort of figure it out nonsense no arrangement.

The fact is big and luxurious means nothing these days. You are wise, correct.

Yeap.

Don’t move in his house and pay his for what could be a house for you. Buy yours, if he still is around then find a proper way to do it.

leave and find out is not a good lemonade.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? If not, do it, and if you have do it again. I am not suggesting that your DP is abusive. I am suggesting that all women and girls who have been in abusive relationships are vulnerable to finding themselves in another one. In fact it’s more than a suggestion, it’s a a thing.

It can only help you going forward, regardless of what you decide here.

I absolutely would buy a small property in the cheaper area you would be moving to if it weren’t for your DP. Live there for a while and wait for your DP to have the discussion with you about the details of the finances if you were to move in.

Sure I can understand your reservations around renting it out or Air B&B, you could just take on a lodger someone Mon-Friday only.

I think it’s the only way to future proof your finances.

His household bills sound as though they will be ridiculously costly.

Agree to pay the going rate you would if you were living in a local HMO see spareroom.com

Wonderful advice.

Op the comment a pp made about considering student loans if any of your DCs are still at uni is very important.

If you move in together, the joint income for the household ie both from and your dp will be considered when the DCs loans are calculated. That will mean that you will pay much more to top up the DCs loan. I am currently in a situation where dd is over £600/mth down from last year because DP is currently living here. That is a lot of extra money to find each month!

Please disregard if your dcs are out the other side of university!

Also, please don’t agree to anything that will cost you your fallback asset (your house) or where your expenses will increase per month.

I think that you are being very sensible being circumspect about this regardless of whether your DP is being honest but clueless or calculating.