To hold off moving in with DP because of lack of practical info…?

[CeliasLastFart]

Bit of context
left an awful 20 year marriage. Won’t go into detail but it was grim, DV and all that comes with a hideous 5 years divorce.

Fast forward 5 years everything has started to click into place - DP has been a very loving and supportive person- after an extended long distance relationship time feels right to live together- kids older/at uni etc so a change seems to all sit right

I had always planned to leave the area I live in as all of ex’s family and friends live here and my job is flexible enough for me to up sticks.

My partner recently came into some money and has almost finished renovating a very large home. Ever since he bought it he’s framed the whole project around it being our home. I have helped to plan and manage a lot of it around supporting my kids and my job and I have been happy to do so.

Ive asked several times that we need to sit down and work out the practicalities including bills and budgeting down to division of tasks etc to no avail.

He mentioned in passing some bills he incurs monthly and i have told him i had concerns that I would not be able to pay for half of all outgoings as I do not have a high salary- DP is freelance and earns a lot more that me. I know that he is busy and he doesn’t necessarily know exactly what the bills would cost now but I am not prepared to make a fresh start with him without knowing upfront about what is expected and how I could budget .(a large chunk of the sale of my house would be to repay the big mortgage on it but if I didn’t move in with DP then I would’ve bought another small property in a different location anyway-

I guess I carry quite a bit of baggage emotionally from my botch of a marriage but I feel uneasy about committing to changing mine and my kids lives so drastically without any concrete idea/plans /finances etc. he’s seemingly thinking everything is wonderful and we can ‘work things out’ which I feel may be a little naive. I’d like to add here that DP has always earned more than me and we pay for everything thus far 50/50 even first date he was flabbergasted that I insisted on paying half. During my divorce when financially things were rock bottom for me we didn’t go out or did things within my means.

on a practical note whilst the house is fantastic and huge and we’d seemingly live very well on paper - I am not prepared to work as hard as I do to spend all of my salary just to be able to live in a huge house leaving no money for me to be independent /spend on my kids/on myself or having a social life outside of the house I had a very comfortable life on the surface in my marriage but I was controlled and was not allowed access to work or independent finances leaving me miserable and trapped.

AIBU to hold off moving until I have something more concrete from him in place. I fear my marriage has left me with these feelings of anxiety

I’m not sure I’m very good at expressing myself - as I said I’m not interested in living in a fancy house with all the trappings to be exactly that- 😊trapped and broke- I think that’s the nuts and bolts of it.

If he won't discuss finances now he never will. Spend your money on a home for you and dc. He can be Lord of his Manor and pay it himself. Unmarried all your cash going into his house won't end well for one of you.
Clue- it isn't him.

Don't do it OP. I have a similar story to yours, and made the mistake of moving in with the next partner, well off and seemingly wonderful. I then had my share of the house bought under me by him when he got an inheritance, leaving me with virtually nothing (long story). I'm now buying a house of my own again to escape having nothing and nowhere to go.

Continue to date him sure, but do not leave yourself vulnerable. I've been kicking myself for my stupid mistake.

The 50:50 is my insistence I’m afraid. Something my late dad always drummed into me

Absolutely you are NOT unreasonable but very sensible! He needs to know you will not move in until you know exactly how much it’s going to cost you every month, and it needs to be an amount you’re comfortable with, given that you (quite rightly) want to be able to put money aside for yourself and your children.

What was your late dad’s income, and your mum’s income?

If your dad were moving into a house where 50% of the bills would represent 80% of his income, but 15% of his partners income, would he still insist on 50%? Why?

I think you could really benefit from some very experienced therapy.

He is listening but I’m not getting clarity and I’m not content with that and thank you for your input.

i don’t want anything wishy washy- or ‘we will sort it out don’t worry’ responses which feel as bad as not acknowledging

I’m sorry to hear this x

I would worry that his lack of forthcoming info might be a form of control. When my XH rented a house for us all to live in 300 odd miles from where we were living (we had to relocate because of his job) he wouldn't tell me ANYTHING about it at all. I didn't even know how many bedrooms there were. It was all done to control the circumstances, so I had no input at all.

I think you would be very well advised not to move in with him but to buy yourself somewhere nice, just for you. Give it a few more years and see how things pan out - there's no rush, is there?

Grafters.They earned the same! Did the same job, shared child care. Worked non stop.
fought like cat and dog.
they were amazing.

If you live with this man he will have all the power and he will use it. You will feel that you have to be grateful if he's nice to your children, and if he wants to control you he just has to be subtly unpleasant to them.
He'll have way too much leverage.
I think I'd be telling him I've decided I'll be better off living separately. Then watch and wait, see what happens to this wonderful renovation project.

Ok. So 50/50 made sense for them. If you would feel that you had lost power and certainty if you don’t pay 50%, do not move to somewhere where 50% will leave you with no ability to save or pay unexpected bills or treat your partner, so that you are always the supplicant.

I don’t think myself that he is necessarily abusive, it is not nasty to want to give someone a nice life. But hes not thinking it or the impact on your life through.

I didn’t consider this!

Agreed!! And it’s a deal breaker for me.

Have you told him how you feel and that it’s due to previous relationships etc? I think that will tell you a lot about him as a person and the relationship moving forward if you explain the issues and he still won’t tell you - it doesn’t sound like he respects you. If he’s willing to sit down and go through things then that’s different.

As you aren’t going on the deeds of the house, ensure you don’t pay towards the mortgage.

He gets a lot out of you moving in - like more financial security, fewer outgoings. You don't seem to gain much at all. And either he knows that but doesn't want to say it out loud, hence the fobbing you off; or it's not even occurred to him. I'm guessing the former.

It’s almost finished. I did say this to him as a possibility and he said that he would understand if I didn’t feel ready.
he has said to be a number of times things would be much easier for me when I’m only paying half of a bill as opposed to all of it (on my own home/lifestyle) I disagree.

If in doubt, don’t.

Hi op , I agree you should be very cautious here going forward . I think if you haven’t already done it that the Freedom programme would be good for you . It would just show you what to look out for if things did go wrong in the future .
there is a big difference between the “ honeymoon “ phase of a newish relationship , the excitement of long distance versus the harsh reality of arguments over who is to load the dishwasher / put out the bins of living together !

I think there is also the added factor of the disparity of your lifestyles / incomes and how you manage this . This has to be carefully considered by you both and as you have said you would not be able to meet 1/2 of the bills without significantly cutting back elsewhere .
i know you have said that your kids are grown up - but what happens when they want to return over Christmas / holidays whikst at uni ? Would your partner welcome them into his new home ?
I think it is a big step for you and if you would be happy to move to the area where your partner is , as others have said try and buy there . I would do so if it makes financial sense for you as well i.e that the property market there is reasonably ok .
I think it is very admirable to try and split things 50/50 where you can as you will feel more financially independent . Long term how would this work and would your partner have the expectation that you continued to do so ? What happens for holidays currently ? Do you find something within both your budgets , has he offered to supplement this to get a nicer holiday ?

I suppose I would be concerned that if you don’t have a proper discussion about finances that you would almost end up as the SAHM / part time worker role within your relationship - when you don’t have joint kids ….That is you would end up doing more of the housework / home admin to compensate for you not being able to contribute as much to the financial pot .
relationships are strained in such circumstances , where it comes down to financial contribution and not outside working hours . Resentment can build up on both sides . Obviously if one of you had a much longer working day it would only be fair that the other tried to pick up some of the slack .

There does seem to be a lot of strengths to your relationship , so I wonder if finances permitting do you both do you go down the route which some of the celebs reportedly have taken ie to discuss in couples therapy and iron out some of these potential issues now ?
Good luck .

If he asked you to marry him would you accept.
I do know a friend in a similar situation to you and she didn't want to marry , but she intended to live with him and actually changed her mind because she wanted and needed more security.

There will be no mortgage on the home

I think it's very very likely that rather than him being a wanker, he's just beeng oblivious. I suspect his view is that as you've always gone 50:50, you'll want to do the same in this house. He thinks that you will be saving money and it's a no brainer.

Because he's not actually thinking through the implications. And he's probably making assumptions that he thinks are fine but that may or may not be, because he hasn't given it any thought.

My brother, who is a truly lovely man with a heart of gold, has form for this exact kind of clueless thoughtlessness. And rather annoyingly, when he is then challenged on it, can find it quite hard to get his head around that actually, his idea is not that useful for everyone else.

If he won't discuss it with you and wants to just "sort it out" then I'd be inclined to think for yourself what you're wiling to contribute to the household - I'd suggest it needs to be less than you are currently paying to maintain your own house as, obviousjly, there should be financial benefits to moving in with someone, especially in your situation. Then tell him that you don' tknow what he's thinking but your absolute costs but he needs to know that if and when you move in, you are expecting to save a significant amount vs current spending and, depending on the exact details of the arrangments, don't want to pay more than betwen £xx and £yy.

Yes absolutely I would say yes. I love him deeply. But I’m not an idiot and know it would protect my home rights.

i would happily sign a prenup too - after legal consultation

But you said you would be putting the money from your house sale into his mortgage. So why wouldn’t you be on the deeds? Why would you just hand someone all your money like that without ownership of the home?

Your name needs to go onto the house and the mortgage needs to be in your name too if you’re going to continue to pay into it. So you get that money back if it ever sells, and so your kids get their inheritance.

edit - oh! Did you mean the sale of your home with mostly go on paying off your own mortgage? So you’ll only have a bit leftover?

My impression from what you say is that he isn't a terrible bloke, I mean he sounds nice but when there is a large income disparity, if one person has all the power it seems to me that something can be triggered and they end up exploiting you because they can.

When he says airily we will sort it out, you say airily yes we will, and before I move in as it’s an absolute precondition.