To hold off moving in with DP because of lack of practical info…?

[CeliasLastFart]

Bit of context
left an awful 20 year marriage. Won’t go into detail but it was grim, DV and all that comes with a hideous 5 years divorce.

Fast forward 5 years everything has started to click into place - DP has been a very loving and supportive person- after an extended long distance relationship time feels right to live together- kids older/at uni etc so a change seems to all sit right

I had always planned to leave the area I live in as all of ex’s family and friends live here and my job is flexible enough for me to up sticks.

My partner recently came into some money and has almost finished renovating a very large home. Ever since he bought it he’s framed the whole project around it being our home. I have helped to plan and manage a lot of it around supporting my kids and my job and I have been happy to do so.

Ive asked several times that we need to sit down and work out the practicalities including bills and budgeting down to division of tasks etc to no avail.

He mentioned in passing some bills he incurs monthly and i have told him i had concerns that I would not be able to pay for half of all outgoings as I do not have a high salary- DP is freelance and earns a lot more that me. I know that he is busy and he doesn’t necessarily know exactly what the bills would cost now but I am not prepared to make a fresh start with him without knowing upfront about what is expected and how I could budget .(a large chunk of the sale of my house would be to repay the big mortgage on it but if I didn’t move in with DP then I would’ve bought another small property in a different location anyway-

I guess I carry quite a bit of baggage emotionally from my botch of a marriage but I feel uneasy about committing to changing mine and my kids lives so drastically without any concrete idea/plans /finances etc. he’s seemingly thinking everything is wonderful and we can ‘work things out’ which I feel may be a little naive. I’d like to add here that DP has always earned more than me and we pay for everything thus far 50/50 even first date he was flabbergasted that I insisted on paying half. During my divorce when financially things were rock bottom for me we didn’t go out or did things within my means.

on a practical note whilst the house is fantastic and huge and we’d seemingly live very well on paper - I am not prepared to work as hard as I do to spend all of my salary just to be able to live in a huge house leaving no money for me to be independent /spend on my kids/on myself or having a social life outside of the house I had a very comfortable life on the surface in my marriage but I was controlled and was not allowed access to work or independent finances leaving me miserable and trapped.

AIBU to hold off moving until I have something more concrete from him in place. I fear my marriage has left me with these feelings of anxiety

I’m not sure I’m very good at expressing myself - as I said I’m not interested in living in a fancy house with all the trappings to be exactly that- 😊trapped and broke- I think that’s the nuts and bolts of it.

No, don't do it. You will always be thinking what you have given up. Him thinking you will be better off only paying half the bills shows he doesn't understand your situation or isn't listening. Apart from the financial aspect which you are aware of, what about sharing the household roles? Does he want you to move in so he can hand over looking after himself to you?

I have a Google Sheet for expenses that breaks all bills into categories and shows both total outgoings and how much income is left over. Why not make a copy and go through it together with him over a cup of coffee at the dining table? Instead of just hoping for answers, encourage him to work through the process with you; it’ll help you both understand things more clearly.

At one point, my DW and I switched from splitting things 50/50 to each contributing 50% of our income, so we were paying the same percentage.

Eventually, we just pooled everything into one pot and it didn’t matter, but you’re right to be clear at the start.

Would you like me to share my Google Sheet with you @CeliasLastFart?

Heavens, having just come out of a messy divorce, asset wise, plus your run of the mill EA, I’d say, no, don’t do it! Buy your own little flat or house. Agree with pp, do the together/apart arrangement where neither of you have a financial interest in the other’s home. Keep all your finances separate! Yes, I speak from experience, and I’d never do it again. I’m now renting a small flat in a different town and saving up what I can on the side for my own house.

You need to give your DP a good talking to about your boundaries and expectations in this relationship. If he can’t cope with that, or you can’t compromise, then maybe it’s time to move on.

OP, if you do this as you planned, what happens if you split up in 5 years time? Do you know what you’re entitled to regarding the house? If his name is on the deeds, and you have contributed some money (assuming it’s written up by a solicitor vs just a transfer which will look like a gift), legally can he sell the house? Does he HAVE to give it back?

he would also presumably be able to sell the house at any time without your permission as it’s his house? If he does, does this pass on to his children? What would happen to your cash contribution? You could be left with nothing.

If your partner won't have an open discussion about this, could you create a few options you are happy with and see if he will agree to any of them? For example, you buy a cheaper property together to live in and go 50:50; or you move in to his house but you buy a property to rent out and only contribute to 50% of day to day bills in his home.

Don't do it
You will go from the security of your own home to living with and funding this man's dream home
His not yours

So you will put your cash into the higher bills at his not into security for you and your DC.
He's a selfish CF asking you to do this.

He may be a nice man on a daily basis but this is not nice .

Major red flag

I wouldn't. You've built yourself up. I would probably agree to pay the average room rent and a percentage of the utilities.
I wouldn't be slogging for the privilege of no security long-term.

This! Thank god for someone with sense!

well done OP for looking before you leap and not just rushing into things. Your DP is either being incredibly naive or is deliberately being vague. Only you know which is more likely.

Tbh with what you've been through I think you would probably do better to run your own house and not join finances with someone. Especially one who doesn't want the harder conversations and wants to leave it to chance.

You don't need to live together OP. Move closer to him if you want and visit each others houses.

No if I sold my house I would pay off my mortgage and have some left over. I would absolutely not pay anything towards the renovation. Zip.

Thank you for this I think I will try it

And hopefully you'll be able to buy somewhere with what's leftover, before you move in with him.

Bank balances have a way of shrinking over time.

You don't want to get to a point where you desperately need to buy and discover you can't.

How long have you been together OP?

I have said to him the move with be conditional and part of the condition is discussing finances clearly and managing the expectation having this all written down. Also non negotiable is me working- full time. I don’t want to be jobless or part time I want to keep going as I am. I am not there to look after him and keep house but we are to look after each other - I won’t be sole cleaning/shit tasks etc

he says yeh yeh we will sort that all out- now is not the right time

almost 5 years

Yes exactly this!!

So he won't engage with things that are important to you?
He's not being overtly dominant but it seems he is subtly making sure that things are on his terms.
I'd be concerned that the reason he isn't being overtly dominant is that he senses/knows he needs to wait until you are trapped before he can risk showing his true colours

Definitely not unreasonable. Make sure you have a legally binding Cohabitation agreement in place if you do decide to move in.

We always did a joint account where we put a % of our incomes so if he earned twice as much his % would be twice as much as yours, 50:50 isn't going to be fair if he earns much more than you. Will you put money into the house to become part owner? Or is there a mortgage for you both to pay? If you have a house to sell I would ring fence that money for your 'if it doesn't work out house', and invest the money at the best rate you can get. You need to discuss how you will split bills, perhaps suggest the above and see how he reacts. Sounds like a great new start I would go for it.

I dpon't know this man but I do know many people who are financially very well off. And something they often have in common is a complete lack of any urgency to think about or discuss smaller financial stuff. Booking a girls weekend away: "yeah yeah, we'll figure out the right hotel nearer the time." Arranging a big birthday celebration, "It will be fine - we'll all just pay for our own food and I'll buy a few bottles of wine".

Because they have no idea that the hotel choice, anmd booking early to secure a good ddeal, is a fundementally important aspect for those of us with less money or that knowing what restaurant it is means we can budget and save for a more expensive meal out vs one at Nandos.

And this is why he is not being fair.
He's not really considering you or your DC, just what suits him.

House prices rise, even if you had money saved there is no guarantee that you could buy again

Absolutely 💯 put yourself and your DC first, you must consider long term " what ifs"

What if you split?
What if he died?
What if you want to leave but then cant afford to ?

Unless he is offering marriage and you buying into the house 50/50 then you shouldn't even consider this but even then considering your history it would be a firm no from me.

Agree with everyone it's so much better that you're being careful and thinking properly.

I see no reason the bills for the house should be 50/50 if you both make less money than him and didn't choose this house to begin with. A large house = large bills and many repair bills and huge utility bills and you didn't actually choose any of this. I think he sounds super shady honestly but if you think he's just lazy and disorganised I'd get it all in writing first. What happens when the boiler breaks or one of the many windows? What about heating and such? Having a massive house is a huge undertaking and can be enormously stressful and it sounds like you'd be much happier with something easier to maintain anyway.

Did he elaborate on why he thought now is not the right time to discuss these practicalities?

Yes he was sorting out stuff for the reno and organising his current job - we only see each other at weekends and he’s very ‘on’ all the time

which I don’t mind- as I was married to a lazy man who took three naps a day!

Id be tempted to buy a property near him and see how it goes from there. If you do move in together you would have a rental income from your own property and a saftey net