To hold off moving in with DP because of lack of practical info…?

[CeliasLastFart]

Bit of context
left an awful 20 year marriage. Won’t go into detail but it was grim, DV and all that comes with a hideous 5 years divorce.

Fast forward 5 years everything has started to click into place - DP has been a very loving and supportive person- after an extended long distance relationship time feels right to live together- kids older/at uni etc so a change seems to all sit right

I had always planned to leave the area I live in as all of ex’s family and friends live here and my job is flexible enough for me to up sticks.

My partner recently came into some money and has almost finished renovating a very large home. Ever since he bought it he’s framed the whole project around it being our home. I have helped to plan and manage a lot of it around supporting my kids and my job and I have been happy to do so.

Ive asked several times that we need to sit down and work out the practicalities including bills and budgeting down to division of tasks etc to no avail.

He mentioned in passing some bills he incurs monthly and i have told him i had concerns that I would not be able to pay for half of all outgoings as I do not have a high salary- DP is freelance and earns a lot more that me. I know that he is busy and he doesn’t necessarily know exactly what the bills would cost now but I am not prepared to make a fresh start with him without knowing upfront about what is expected and how I could budget .(a large chunk of the sale of my house would be to repay the big mortgage on it but if I didn’t move in with DP then I would’ve bought another small property in a different location anyway-

I guess I carry quite a bit of baggage emotionally from my botch of a marriage but I feel uneasy about committing to changing mine and my kids lives so drastically without any concrete idea/plans /finances etc. he’s seemingly thinking everything is wonderful and we can ‘work things out’ which I feel may be a little naive. I’d like to add here that DP has always earned more than me and we pay for everything thus far 50/50 even first date he was flabbergasted that I insisted on paying half. During my divorce when financially things were rock bottom for me we didn’t go out or did things within my means.

on a practical note whilst the house is fantastic and huge and we’d seemingly live very well on paper - I am not prepared to work as hard as I do to spend all of my salary just to be able to live in a huge house leaving no money for me to be independent /spend on my kids/on myself or having a social life outside of the house I had a very comfortable life on the surface in my marriage but I was controlled and was not allowed access to work or independent finances leaving me miserable and trapped.

AIBU to hold off moving until I have something more concrete from him in place. I fear my marriage has left me with these feelings of anxiety

I’m not sure I’m very good at expressing myself - as I said I’m not interested in living in a fancy house with all the trappings to be exactly that- 😊trapped and broke- I think that’s the nuts and bolts of it.

Have I got this right? You won’t be on the deeds but the discussion is around you paying a chunk or all of your house equity into his property?

Unless he has offered marriage I would be very careful OP.

Slow right down, get individual legal advice. Have some open conversations with your partner, get joint legal advice if you want to go ahead. You're giving up a lot.

For all those arguing caution we don't know how it's going to work out.

How about working out how much you can afford to contribute towards bills etc.? Maybe based on how much you pay currently.

And then let him know.

R.e. your house realistically it takes some time to sell your house.

I do wonder if perhaps he really wants to be married and have a "mine is yours" approach, but doesn't want to suggest this as you've always insisted on paying half.

People have very different attitudes to money and some just don't grow up talking about it. It isn't necessary a red flag.

I agree with this @CeliasLastFart .

Your past should've taught you to avoid vulnerabilities where possible.

Have all the discussions necessary, but protect yourself properly. Have something that is yours to fall back on if this doesn't work out for any reason.

he has said to be a number of times things would be much easier for me when I’m only paying half of a bill as opposed to all of it (on my own home/lifestyle) I disagree

But you'd be paying half of his (much larger) bills. Rather than paying all of your own (smaller) bills. He'd be benefitting. Would you?

I don't get any red flags from him, you've been with him 5 years and you seem happy.
I think you're being very sensible questioning everything, but I get the sense he's more relaxed about the whole thing rather than malice.
Hold firm and state your boundaries.
I hope it works out for you, you sound lovely and from your post it sounds as if you've had a rough time x

Protect yourself & your assets at all times OP, I have done this & I'm in a very long term & happy relationship. I have personally witnessed what can go wrong (family & friends) & they were the most unlikely people so nothing surprises me nowadays.

I have to leave this area anyway as I cannot stand to be living so near to my ex. He’s a very smart man but I know he is stalking me still - the time is right to leave now but I don’t want to make the wrong move if that makes sense - it wouldn’t make sense for DP to move here when I’m so unhappy here

I agree with you although I can appreciate others will think it’s worth it for the massive upgrade in home (as I’ve said previously that’s not an incentive for me) it would be the difference of going from a neat lovely 3 bed terrace to a 5 bed double fronted Georgian place with half an acre and a paddock

ultimately I don’t want to be trapped, priced out of the market, living on savings to fund the upgrade because that’s not worth it to me and doesn’t ring fence money for my kids

thanks for your point of view - I feel a little relieved now

Nope I’d not pay a penny and the house would be owned outright by him as he does not have a mortgage

it I sold my house and didn’t buy another smaller one I’d only pay off my mortgage then have the balance - I’d not be happy with that as I’d prefer to put what little I have into another property so if things were to hit the skids I and the kids have that to fall back on

At a practical level, I would simply rent ou your current house. You say th emortgage is still quite large on that so if you can continue to pay it and benefit from any increase in value over the long term, you're saving the cost of buying somewhere near with all the legal and other fees that come with it, while still maintaining your security for you and your DC.

I think your best bet right now if you want to get away from the place you are living is to sell your house, buy a smaller one in the area you have in mind and then you can live in that or rent it out and move in with DP, once you are sorted.

As he has no mortgage I think it would be much fairer if you paid the bills according to your income. I appreciate you want to "pay your way" but that is simply not fair. If you do insist on 50/50 then make sure you can make some profit from your rental to cover this.

That’s a good idea to rent out your current house, though it’s a lot of responsibility.

Right now I certainly would not stick my house equity in an account while inflation (though not too bad) is eating away at it, while not being on the deeds anywhere (wtf). I do think property values are also falling unless you’re both canny and lucky in what you buy, but as moving offers you something very important in terms of getting away from your ex I would probably choose to do that.

I know its of little concern to you but can he afford the house on his own income? If so whats the rush? Keep your independence for as long as you want. Indefinitely if you wish. You are not a little girl who needs to have a ring on her finger and be told what to do. You are a mother with her own independence, income and home.

Take a chill and enjoy your time. He needs to make a bigger effort and if he asks why you dont want to move in you have a list of things that wont just go away in 5 mins. He needs to buck his ideas up

You are never serious?? Youve left one controlling relationship and into another, its his house and he owns it, any money you pay off his mortgage is his not yours, you are giving him that money!!! You could pay that off his mortgage and he could dump you the next day, hes a scammer, buy yourself a house and either live in it or rent it out but dont pay any money off his mortgage, do see a financial advisor and dont think you are entitled to his house as you are not, no wonder he doesnt want to discuss anything i bet he cant believe his luck

How does this man react when you talk about keeping your house & renting it out?
If he doesnt seem bothered then that at least would suggest he's no plans to persuade you to invest the proceeds of the sale into his new property and thereby have you on the hook to fund a lifestyle (in his country manor) that you cant afford.

What?
He wants Op to sell her house, move in and pay 50% of bills ( that will be higher and unaffordable)
It will be solely in his name
She will have no property of her own
They wont be married

She will have sone money of her own but Op is worried it will disappear into paying bills , if it doesnt then its likely her savings wont keep up with house prices plus she wont have her own house in old age

At any point he could just kick Op and her DC out if they have a disagreement
This gives high potential for him to be controlling .

You are insane if you cant see the red flags

@CeliasLastFart

Someone who is truly a nice nan would hold your interests equal to his own.
He isn't doing this
He's putting his interests first-getting you to pay 50% of much higher bills
You also eluded to some of them being things he wants or spends on and potentially being much higher than your current bills and mortgage combined ???
That's very very high

Your DC come as part of the package and he's suggesting that you sell your,DC hone to pay these high bills for him whilst making their lives potentially unstable.

Not nice at all

@Jollyhockeystickss why do you think I am paying his mortgage?

For clarity the Reno property is not mortgaged

I am moving from the area whether DP was in
My life or not - he’s not suggesting this

thanks for your input though

Ok could you afford to buy a new property to rent plus pay the higher bills then?
Apologies I thought he suggested you sell ?

He thinks it’s a great idea but he knows how dead set I am about moving away and disassociating from the town. He did mention me buying elsewhere and perhaps letting it out as an air b&b because I had expressed my worry at tenants not leaving etc.

Honestly if you are still having issues with your ex it is not a good idea to move in with another man-those decisions should be made with a clear head , particularly as it involves your DC

So reading it

You are desperate to move away from where your controlling ex lives
DP has suggested you move in
He has expensive bills and you insist on paying 50/50
If you paid 50/50 you would need to sell your house,and not get another as it would be too expensive
He wont discuss the bills/ arrangements

Still a hell no from me
Deal with the first issue

Sell your house and move from the area into a new property of your own to keep your independence and stability.

I’m not sure I’m very good at expressing myself - as I said I’m not interested in living in a fancy house with all the trappings to be exactly that- 😊trapped and broke- I think that’s the nuts and bolts of it.

I think you have answered your own question in the first post and in what you said here

@CeliasLastFart here's the google sheet with my personal info removed. Any questions just ask. https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1pa-bdD5ZMXSYv2uTWl1MJtxCBaQVsfbh9HWFx9tk0L0/edit?usp=sharing