To hold off moving in with DP because of lack of practical info…?

[CeliasLastFart]

Bit of context
left an awful 20 year marriage. Won’t go into detail but it was grim, DV and all that comes with a hideous 5 years divorce.

Fast forward 5 years everything has started to click into place - DP has been a very loving and supportive person- after an extended long distance relationship time feels right to live together- kids older/at uni etc so a change seems to all sit right

I had always planned to leave the area I live in as all of ex’s family and friends live here and my job is flexible enough for me to up sticks.

My partner recently came into some money and has almost finished renovating a very large home. Ever since he bought it he’s framed the whole project around it being our home. I have helped to plan and manage a lot of it around supporting my kids and my job and I have been happy to do so.

Ive asked several times that we need to sit down and work out the practicalities including bills and budgeting down to division of tasks etc to no avail.

He mentioned in passing some bills he incurs monthly and i have told him i had concerns that I would not be able to pay for half of all outgoings as I do not have a high salary- DP is freelance and earns a lot more that me. I know that he is busy and he doesn’t necessarily know exactly what the bills would cost now but I am not prepared to make a fresh start with him without knowing upfront about what is expected and how I could budget .(a large chunk of the sale of my house would be to repay the big mortgage on it but if I didn’t move in with DP then I would’ve bought another small property in a different location anyway-

I guess I carry quite a bit of baggage emotionally from my botch of a marriage but I feel uneasy about committing to changing mine and my kids lives so drastically without any concrete idea/plans /finances etc. he’s seemingly thinking everything is wonderful and we can ‘work things out’ which I feel may be a little naive. I’d like to add here that DP has always earned more than me and we pay for everything thus far 50/50 even first date he was flabbergasted that I insisted on paying half. During my divorce when financially things were rock bottom for me we didn’t go out or did things within my means.

on a practical note whilst the house is fantastic and huge and we’d seemingly live very well on paper - I am not prepared to work as hard as I do to spend all of my salary just to be able to live in a huge house leaving no money for me to be independent /spend on my kids/on myself or having a social life outside of the house I had a very comfortable life on the surface in my marriage but I was controlled and was not allowed access to work or independent finances leaving me miserable and trapped.

AIBU to hold off moving until I have something more concrete from him in place. I fear my marriage has left me with these feelings of anxiety

I’m not sure I’m very good at expressing myself - as I said I’m not interested in living in a fancy house with all the trappings to be exactly that- 😊trapped and broke- I think that’s the nuts and bolts of it.

This is SO him!
he flies by the seat of his pants - a lot!

wings it.

thats not me.

This is such a red flag for me with men. Be careful, OP. And definitely don't move in yet.

He has no dc

Just have your own place, so many threads here where as soon as the woman moves in she’s the house elf. 🙄
Own money, own place, own space.

In that case, what happens to the house if he dies and you are still living in it? Does he have a will?

Yeah, he sounds a lot like people I know, so I suspected! . Our most recent example was after a big celebration and DH and I are looking aroudn to get going so we can make the last train and being told "oh no, it's fine, we'll all just share an uber". Hahahaha. DH and I aren't paying for an uber, even half an uber, to travel from central london to Surrey after a night out!

It's definitely cluelessness rather than malice. But actually, that's even more reason to get it sorted becuase you can't live in this sort of vague clueless environment when you've got long term financial things to figure out for yourself and for your DC.

I think you are right to be cautious but given that you've been with him for 5 years and describe him as being loving and supportive then I would try not to jump to the conclusion he's trying to trap you in any way. It might even be that he's uncomfortable with you paying 50/50 and is trying to avoid a conversation where you insist that's what you want to do. Or even that he's spinning too many plates at the moment to sit down and think about how things could work when you move in.

You've quite rightly made it clear to him that you won't move in until this and the breakdown of chores has been discussed and agreed, so just keep sticking to this. At the same time there's nothing to stop you carrying on with your plans to buy somewhere for you, that you could rent out if you do decide to move in with him, and have some security for yourself.

Although if you only see each other at weekends then perhaps some sort of 'trial' living together might be a good idea too, so that would be another reason to buy your own place first.

Half the bills in his big house could be way more than all the bills in your own home.
Get your own place. If your money is tied up in your own property it's not sat in the bank with the option to spend it unwittingly.
Your asset can then increase in value and you will hopefully have a comfortable retirement and something eventually to leave to your kids.

I think it's awful you're paying 50:50 for things when you earn much less.

I agree with everyone else on this thread.

• Live with him for a while before you merge all your finances or sell your house. You may be a couple who do better living apart.
• Don’t move in until you can have a proper discussion about bills and responsibilities
• If you do buy into his house, get a full and legally binding agreement about how much of the house you own and what will happen if you split up or if one of you dies (ie how will you get your cash, can you force him to sell, will your children get your share, ect)
• Don’t merge your finances until you are 100% happy with the practical and financial split of responsibilities as well as things like wills

You are being totally reasonable. Don't back down. Good luck.

And you say I hear you, but that means it’s not the right time to move in together. Let me know when it’s the right time to talk about that. I probably have to start looking for somewhere to buy for me and the dc, i can’t put plans on hold waiting for a convenient time for you to discuss bills.

One other thing I’d say though is that I would let go of you paying 50:50 as soon as you can. That’s great at the start of a relationship so there’s no power imbalance, but It’s been five years and he’s a good partner. If he wants to spend money on nicer holidays or food or whatever that you would enjoy as well but can’t afford then you need to start allowing him to do that. If he insists on you always paying half despite a significant income disparity that would be a red flag, but it sounds like this comes more from you.

Yes this

I'd be suspicious about his motives for not wanting to discuss finances before you move in. It's allmost as if he wants you to be trapped living in his house before he tells you he wants much more money than you're prepared to give.

Of course he's got time to discuss finances with you.

Firstly, your feelings are absolutely right. It’s good to be very cautious with such a big financial decision, no matter how lovely the man is.

Secondly, sorry to sound so cynical, but buying your own little place for you and your DCs near DP sounds so much more appealing to me. You won’t have to wash his skiddy underpants or put up with him clipping his toenails or get involved in any domestic stuff in his large home. You can have the nice parts of a relationship (sex, meals out, nice dates, trips away) without all the crap bits. Your children would have their own home without a step father being involved all the time and you can have long term independent security which is amazing.

Oh. I misread your first post and thought you were going to use a chunk of your house sale to pay off HIS mortgage. Now I see you mean your own.

In many ways that does make things a lot easier. You could buy a small property, try out living together and if you get on well living with him rent it out (holiday let is more work but avoids some of the tenants rights issues). Assuming you can cover the mortgage and bills with rent you’ll protect your assets that way and always have somewhere to live. Then you need to decide how much you are willing to pay in terms of bills and expenses - be clear with him and set a maximum monthly cost that you will no got over. The main issue seems to be that you really need to let go of the 50:50 thing.

I agree with other people that there is far too much vagueness. You need to sit him down and run through income and expenditure for both of you and work out explicitly what is reasonable for each of you to contribute.

It sounds like you've hit that disparity in income point where you either decide that you can't keep up with his standard of living or he needs to contribute more than 50%. I am completely with you about not wanting to be trapped in the beautiful house with no way to spend money on stuff that you do want.

Maybe a trial period of actually living together. Its a big change from long distance to being in each others pockets.
I would work out how much i could afford to pay towards the bills, what is fair. Offer that as a contribilution and say you will trial living there for 12 months and see how it works for you both.
Options after the trial are either you both prefer to live alone and maintain a relationship as two separate householders, you could buy into the property, you could buy an investment flat etc.
It seem that first thing is to actually see if you are compatible to live together full time and he is happy long term to contribute a higher amount without becoming resentful.

Presumably there's enough when you've sold yours for you to buy somewhere you can rent out and possibly move in to if necessary? This would come with expenses - new but smaller mortgage, and paying 100% of all household bills. think of this as your default cost of living.

Instead you could rent this new property out. After tax there may be a slight profit, but allow for maintenance and repairs. I would think that there's no reason why you couldn't be expected to pay your default cost of living towards household bills and costs. He pays for repairs and maintenance to his house, and you split council tax, utilities and food together with contents insurance. I don't understand why there may be a problem with this.

Will moving in with your partner mean that your kids are only entitled to the minimum maintenance loan at uni? That might make it very difficult or impossible for them to be able to continue their studies if you can't afford to top it up sufficiently? Or are they nearly finished studying?

Will your kids be staying at Christmas or the summer holidays? Might they move in after university? Won't they feel like they are relying on the hospitality of a stranger?

I think you would be better to have your own place for now at least until all your kids are living as independent adults.

It could be the case that he’s very excited about the house and has visions of you living together in it, and doesn’t want to discuss the finer details lest it swiftly bring him back down to earth. People do get carried away, and often prefer to stick their head in the sand over dealing with anything that’s likely to kill the fantasy. It may be a case of stupidity rather than malice.

His unwillingness to discuss despite your repeated attempts to, is red flag behaviour. He is prioritising what he wants over what you need from him. He is prioritising this lovely big house he has fallen in love with, over what would work for you (a smaller house and associated costs).

I very firmly think you should buy your own house and live in it, somewhere that suits you. Maybe it'll be near where he is, maybe it won't, but you need to prioritise your own best interests 100%, as generally good life advice but also because he's not hesitating to do what suits him without taking into consideration your feelings or needs. So you do exactly the same.

I have yet to meet a builder/plumber/sparky who’s on top of his paperwork and financials. This is the equivalent of the massive shed that he’s ‘going to sort’ while shoving in another box of ‘stuff that might be useful ‘.
He does not want to look in the shed. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person looking to do you down. He’s at the top of his game, earning loads of money and his accountant sorts the books.
Do the spreadsheet thing that the pp offered, Keep going with what you are comfortable with, he will probs be happy for some clarity without him having to look too closely!

By all means move to the same area as your partner but I'd be buying myself a small property, to house myself and children (even if it's rented out). Don't move in with your partner, until you are 100% sure what you will be expected to pay, and how household chores etc with be shared. If you earn less than your partner, and the house is large, then the bills will be higher, so would you be able to pay 50%? Or would all your money be going on bills, leaving nothing to support your children and yourself? Don't put yourself in that position. You are definitely being wise to be cautious.

Why are you the one jumping through all the hoops? I'd sit and reflect on that.

Set aside the notion of moving in. It's perfectly fine to be "together apart." Your absolute Number One priority must be securing your own financial solvency and security. If that means purchasing what you can afford even though it's further from him, so be it. Do not mingle finances and do not support his household financially.

If he doesn't like the distance, let him be the one to sell up and move closer to you. Why hasn't that been part of the discussion to date?